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Ok my fellow Infidelity peeps, I need your help. Please. My husband and I are in the process of getting a divorce. We have been married 27 years and had a lot of many wonderful years with two children that are now young adults. My husband started to disconnect three or four years ago as far as I could tell, but what has ended our marriage is my discovery of him leading a second life with another woman/having an affair for the last two years. Without question you can imagine that I am deeply hurt and still trying to process and accept a new life without him. he is checked out and has no remorse so there is no hope for reconciliation or saving our marriage. What I am struggling with is I know in general, it is advised (by counselors) not to tell the wayward spouse your feelings, however, I feel that he needs to hear a summary of what I have been feeling and what I realized about our relationship in the last couple of years. We are separated right now and I have requested no contact, except for emails regarding our children and finances. He is respecting me. We have not had a violent or screaming break up situation and that is why I really want to write him a letter to communicate some things to him. It will not be accusing him or scolding him or hating him. It’s just about telling him how I feel and what I’ve realized and where we are now. Even though he has betrayed me and lied to my for a long time, I feel he has a bit of goodness left in him. What I want to know is have any of you done this before? And I’m speaking to the people that their wayward spouse has not had any remorse after the affair. He doesn’t love me anymore but he has told me many times he cares deeply for me. His love for me is different now. in my heart I feel I need to do this, but I don’t want to make a terrible mistake. That’s why I’m reaching out for your advice. Should I write the letter and give it to him? I have journaled all of my feelings already and it’s not doing the trick for me. I know he has changed but know what our relationship was for so many years before this happened. Thanks in advance and sending my best to all of you suffering out there like me 💗

Go ahead and write the letter. It might make you feel a little better just getting it out on paper, but you don't necessarily have to give it to him. That's what I'd suggest. Reread it a few times, mull it over, then maybe even burn it.

Write the letter and then sit on it for a while. If after some time you still want to send it then do so.

My wife got a letter via text the day after I asked her to pack a bag and leave. It wasn't a nice letter, it was written to make her feel disgusted with herself, to tell her how her selfishness may have just destroyed two families, how she is a hypocrite for doing the same thing her sister's fiance did and to remind her how disgusted she felt towards her future BIL when her sister called crying

Just writing the letter may be enfor you.

I wrote a Victim Impact Statement, like what a crime victim would submit before the sentencing portion of a criminal trial. Highly recommend it. But I never sent it and probably never will. It was cathartic. I would try to be strategic when deciding whether to send it. Weigh the positives with the negatives. What will it accomplish? Will it help you if you end up divorcing? Will it make him remorseful or just give him a rationale for fighting you harder over asset division and support? So, I join the others. Write it and hold it and decide later whether you give it to him.