SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As I understand it, the baseline of what is being suggested, for my consideration, is to leave the past where it belongs, on the dung hill of history. To see my wife as she is now not what she was then. (Which of course the same would go for me.) To live in this moment of time, not relive the story I tell myself. Correct?

Brother, this is why we are all here. You know, the site is called "surviving infidelity," but it's much more than that. It's also about learning to thrive after surviving infidelity.

However, how one goes about this amazing transformation is a little vague.

One word, dear sir: processing. Lots and lots of processing. I processed soooo much shit that I eventually ran out of shit to process. And then I processed that!

I'm closing in on seven thousand posts. For every post I've written I easily read several times as many. I've learned quite a lot about infidelity, how to survive it, how to recover and heal from it, and how to find peace beyond the shitstorm. What I never expected from this wonderful little community of ours was that I would learn more about myself than anything else.

I think you still have some processing left to do. And you're doing it, which is great. Keep at it!

How do I leave the emotional effects of my wife’s affair and remain here where other people’s stories bring my past into the current?

This is a very loaded question. I don't "leave the emotional effects of my wife’s affair." I've been able, more or less, to incorporate the emotional effects into who I am. I've healed enough, processed enough. Once upon a time, other people's stories could trigger me, sometimes retraumatize me. There were often threads about "pain shopping," how it effects us and how, if at all, it helps. It all comes down to that one word: processing.

And then, of course, in many ways, I've become desensitized to it all. I "see" individual people and their unique stories, but what stands out to me are the patterns in human nature and behavior. That allows me to remain somewhat detached, focusing on how to help them help themselves, you know?

It is a grace gift from you to me.

I'm just paying it forward, my friend.

Asterisk-

However, how one goes about this amazing transformation is a little vague. Probably because it varies greatly from one’s personality and beliefs systems to another.

The transformation isn’t especially amazing, it is just a matter of where we put our thoughts, where we choose to put our focus.

You already know how to process trauma — despite how powerful and unique the trauma of infidelity is, it has a path to heal, just like all other trauma.

You’ve experienced loss, family members, maybe friends — and for me, some fuzzy mammals (pups and cats who added so much joy along the way, who are all missed. Financial trauma or job loss, friends who ghost us, etc. A whole bunch of stuff goes wrong for us.

My grandfather was my hero, I miss him more than say, my step-dad or other grandparents and uncles I’ve lost.

I miss him every single day. I also find comfort in all the good he did for me and I try to live up to the standards he set for himself.

But that grief doesn’t own me.

I processed that pain and I celebrate the good he brought to my existence.

I miss the sense of innocence my M had, the me and my wife against the world, the undefeated team-up we had built.

But that grief doesn’t own me.

I processed that pain and I celebrate the life we have built together since choosing each other (again).

The one thing that never works with grief is trying to bury it.

I think maybe that’s why you’re here, and why it seems like a mountain of pain you haven’t fully conquered.

It is trauma and grief, and it has to be felt and processed, which is what you are doing today. That’s another good thing.

No amazing transformation, I spent two years in shock, two years of full on clinical depression and a couple extra years of mourning what my M was.

The words of wisdom I hang on to, the ones that kept me focused, I got here on SI.

"We tend to get the life we aim for."

Same with the M, same with rumination, same with everything.

I aimed for better days. I aimed for a focus on the good stuff.

When I see my wife in the morning, I don’t see a perfect person, I see all of her — good and bad, kind and silly, and appreciate all she did to be a better partner. It takes practice to focus on the good and not get trapped in the past.

When I show up, there are triggers and reminders of my old pain on every page. I’m not magically transformed, I just understand what people are going through and it is worth the trigger if anyone ever gets helped a little by my experience.

How does rehashing the past one thousand times a month (depending on how fast your brain is) help you today? If it isn’t helpful, I wouldn’t keep chasing after those thoughts. Pick a new one, build a new pattern of thoughts.

If I get hit with a bad memory, I focus on a good one or I think about the most recent laugh I shared with my wife.

Living in the now isn’t a bumper sticker or a belief system, it is a matter of where you focus your thoughts.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 9:33 PM, Monday, October 27th]

How do I leave the emotional effects of my wife’s affair and remain here where other people’s stories bring my past into the current? What is the filtering process that allows their hurts that does not reignite your pain?

Good question. This place can absolutely suck you back into the pain, unfortunately.

The real question is, how do you distance yourself from the emotional effects of your wife’s affair? Period.

Along with all the rationalizing ways to reason a path out of it, there are also some fairly simple therapies that can put some distance between the emotion and the memory. The theory behind all of them is based on memory reconsolidation. EMDR is of this ilk.

One in particular is called "free spotting". Super easy to try, can be done while alone, it takes five minutes, and it seems to work. Kind of bizarre, frankly.

Open YouTube and search on " "FreeSpotting " an emotional self help technique you have never heard of:" to see a short demo that you can jump in on. A therapist named Clint Methany does the demo.

You need to think about the thing that bothers you, so not for the worst trauma, but if you find yourself ruminating anyway, might as well give it a shot.

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 1:41 AM, Tuesday, October 28th]

Unhinged

One word, dear sir: processing. Lots and lots of processing. I processed soooo much shit that I eventually ran out of shit to process. And then I processed that!

"And then I processed that!"

That made me chuckle. You have said to me that you think I still have lots to process. I find that an interesting insight. I guess, and maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t think the processing ever ends it simply fine tunes and or retunes our minds, hearts, and souls. The question for me is, in what areas is it guiding me and in which parts of my life is it controlling me? The fact that I say this makes me take stock on other things pointed out to me such as "living in the current", "seeing things (Especially concerning my wife) as they appear to be now verses then. I need to process that! 😊

I'm closing in on seven thousand posts. For every post I've written I easily read several times as many. I've learned quite a lot about infidelity, how to survive it, how to recover and heal from it, and how to find peace beyond the shitstorm. What I never expected from this wonderful little community of ours was that I would learn more about myself than anything else.

Unhinged, one of the most important things about the affair for me is that it forced me to stop and look at myself, my values, and belief systems. Yes, my wife as well, but more importantly, myself. Some aspects I liked, some of me not so much, and needed to change. We all have histories that often, while sitting in the darkest recesses of our minds, secretively plays many rolls in our lives setting us up for failure. Nothing like the depth of infidelity, if we let it, to shine a light in those areas. We can choose to simply, fully blame the wayward, then forgive or not, or we can hold them accountable for their actions while at the same time uncovering our role as well. Being here has helped me reexamine some of my conclusions and weak spots. And for that, I am grateful.

I'm just paying it forward, my friend.

I have tried to support others as well, and hopefully can figure out my way of "playing in forward". But I'll be honest and am growing more hesitant, feeling like I have less to offer than I thought I had.

Asterisk

Oldwounds,

My grandfather was my hero, I miss him more than say, my step-dad or other grandparents and uncles I’ve lost.
I miss him every single day. I also find comfort in all the good he did for me and I try to live up to the standards he set for himself.
But that grief doesn’t own me.

I would say the same thing about my father. A man to admire, lookup to and emulate. I can’t say the same for my mother or sister. They are all gone now, I miss my dad but I do not give a moment’s thought of my mom or sister. However, the grief I felt and at sometimes still do of losing my dad was a much different event than losing trust in my wife.

Death of a parent is natural, infidelity is not. I would suggest it falls more in line with the death of a child. That said, I agree, events don’t have to own me, nor control me, but the grief is for a lifetime and to express my grief here does not mean it controls me or rules the day. It is just that for the 1st time in 32 years I have a place to share the buried. To express openly how I felt then, how I feel now and filter what is offered to me to consider. (Sorry, that comes across way more defensive than I feel. I thought about deleting it but then I’d be hiding behind the delete button.)

I miss the sense of innocence my M had, the me and my wife against the world, the undefeated team-up we had built.
But that grief doesn’t own me.
I processed that pain and I celebrate the life we have built together since choosing each other (again).

I, in full honesty, can and do say the same. Yes, I, at times, miss the innocence, the naiveté of our marriage relationship pre-D-day. But what we have now, far outsizes what we had then. It is based on a better knowledge of each other and a deeper love than what ignorance gave us. I know that from the things I write that it would be easy to believe otherwise.

How does rehashing the past one thousand times a month (depending on how fast your brain is) help you today? If it isn’t helpful, I wouldn’t keep chasing after those thoughts. Pick a new one, build a new pattern of thoughts.

This is a consistent question that I am asked by some here. It is a fair question for rumination doesn’t seem to assist in a person’s healing. I will admit much of this post has me feel defensive like I need to defend myself and more importantly my marriage as it is today. I know that nothing being said by you or anyone else here is meant to injure me or tear down my marriage, rather it is said to assist me and support my marriage. And I appreciate every word spoken. I have learned in my old age that when I "feel defensive" that is when I need most to - self-reflect.

Thank you Oldwounds

Asterisk

HouseOfPlane

The real question is, how do you distance yourself from the emotional effects of your wife’s affair? Period.

That is a profound tweak from my original question about how I remain here and to not be dragged back into old baggage. Your rewrite gives me pause, for I have never considered the idea of "distancing myself from the emotional effects of my wife’s affair". I would have said that that would be me being avoidant. I’m going to try to lay aside my knee-jerk reaction and give this further thought. You just might have hit on something for me to reconsider. Does distancing myself from the emotional effects translate to avoidant behavior or does it allow for the removal of the unbearable pain so I can process my wife’s affair in a healthier, more effective way? Something for me to sit in the dark and ponder.

Open YouTube and search on " "FreeSpotting "

I googled Free Spotting shortly after reading your recommendation. It was an easy exercise for me for I do something along this line already. What I do is to sit in the dark with no one around me and no sight of any objects to distract me and then I focus on allowing the emotion to engulf me. When the emotion rescinds, I try to figure out where it came from, was it real to the situation and most importantly are there outside influences that are unfairly spinning or driving the emotion into the wrong direction. What was different with freespotting is that I am not limited to the darkness of night. I found I could do this while amongst others which is a really strong vote for freespotting verses my way of going about it. I did find that it takes a bit of practice to not be distracted but I imagine I’ll get better at it as I practice. Thanks for the idea I’ll keep "giving it a shot".

Asterisk

The freespotting worked for me, like, one and done on a couple of things. Very pleasantly surprised!

I think the key with the freespotting is the maintaining the tight focus on the visual point (above the eyeline…I wonder why) while experiencing the emotion. It’s the clash between the two points of attention that leads to the desired effect.

I would worry that sitting in the dark might have the opposite effect. Without that distracting competition between attention on the point and attention on the emotion, you would just really sync that emotion in deep.

Again, the free spotting has worked well for me. It has taken a number of things that bothered me, and just made them boring. Even though they were negative, previouslythe emotions attached to them made them interesting to me I guess. Now that I’ve detached the emotion, it’s just not that interesting.

Thanks for your feedback, and best of luck on your journey! And don’t sell yourself short on the contribution you make here. You’ve had some great posts.

We can choose to simply, fully blame the wayward, then forgive or not, or we can hold them accountable for their actions while at the same time uncovering our role as well.

Is it possible, do you think, that your wife might have taken a stroll down Infidelity Lane if she'd married anyone else?

I understand your point. I also disagree.

I've had tendencies to avoid conflict and build walls most of my life (foo shit). I'm quite certain those tendencies exacerbated my exww's tendencies towards codependency (foo shit). And vice-versa.

So, I could (and did for a while) accept that as my contribution to her vulnerability to an affair. There's a huge problem with this, however. In no way, shape or form is it fair, right or otherwise acceptable that I should have been responsible for her own self-worth, or lack thereof. Her "need" for external validation was nothing I could have ever solved for her.

Being a good spouse doesn't include supporting or otherwise validating unhealthy needs.

I cannot say with absolute certainty that my exww would have made the same choices had she married someone else. I do know, however, that her CoD tendencies would have still been there, still tripping her up.

I fully blame my exww for her decision to commit infidelity. 100%.

Hey Asterisk —

First up, I agree with HoP, I think your level of introspection is helpful for others — only a fraction of members here post on a regular basis, many more still read here everyday.

Second, on the topic of being defensive, of all places in the world, I learned how to repair my own defensive nature here on SI.

In my first two years here, I felt attacked by choosing to R — but someone else pointed out, when we are completely comfortable and happy with a choice, there isn’t a need or want to defend it. We are only ever defensive about things we’re still working on.

Today, we still have members here who don’t understand why I would stay with the person who hurt me — but I don’t care about people who don’t understand my choice, I’m the only one who can live my life. Because I feel comfortable and happy with my path.

I don’t know that you are being particularly defensive, I think you’re working through some things.

Death of a parent is natural, infidelity is not.

Unfortunately, infidelity is VERY natural. It happens every day in every part of the world, and while some may bicker about the statistics (anywhere from 19-50 percent of couples), infidelity is a part of human nature. I think I’ve read 30+ relationship books now, and it is more common than I thought. I’ve seen some compelling arguments that monogamy is more of a modern social construct, but I think some of us are built better to handle it than others (as noted in Unhinged’s most recent post in the thread).

All of us here didn’t anticipate infidelity, but that’s why this place is here.

Back to my point, while I agree there are degrees of grief, the path out of it is the same.

Process the pain of the past and focus on the better stuff of today.

It is based on a better knowledge of each other and a deeper love than what ignorance gave us. I know that from the things I write that it would be easy to believe otherwise.

And we’re back on the same page. Better knowledge and deeper love today, that’s where you want to aim your thoughts. I think that is why you’re asking questions, to ruminate on the past less.

Ultimately, I think you can get to where you want. You buried some resentments and digging them back up now, should prove helpful as you work on moving forward.

One of those motivational speakers had a line the other day, "Happiness isn’t a goal, it is the progress on the way to the goal."

Basically, he equated progress as the way any of us can find some happiness.

I’m not sure it is, but it has offered me some food for thought.

I do find that my focus on the progress my M has made, and that I have made with my physical and mental health, my progress with being a good father, etc. is a good way to get through a week.