SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was also willing to stuff all my feelings because I thought my mother wanted that.

KitchenDepth, thank you for sharing your experience with this. This is a good point, and I'll check in with my daughter and encourage her to share her true feelings on the matter, not just "play nice."

BluerThanBlue, I was very clear with her that I had no interest in dating and that I think stbx's wish for me to "find someone and be happy" is mainly to assuage his guilt. I'm not interested in covering for him. I'm not going full scorched earth yet, partly because I want the divorce done without antagonizing him, and partly so our kid isn't caught in the cross-fire, but the more crap he pulls, the more he is shooting himself in the foot.

So, I'm just going to say this last bit for you to think about and then step back from this because I'm way too close to this and it's too emotional for me to be helpful.

It doesn't matter what you say to your daughter about sharing her feelings. It's more about the example you are setting with your actions. You are trying to play nice with your stbx in order to get favorable treatment in a divorce. He will use your good will however he likes. With your actions (including, but not limited to family nights), you are communicating that he has the power, and you and your daughter have to placate him in order to survive. Is that really necessary? Maybe it is. I don't know. Your daughter will internalize the message of your actions.

I think it’s healthy to get rid of the family night because it sounds to me like a clean break is needed for at least the foreseeable future so both of you can adjust.

His decision to date is not surprising. He is not good at being alone. The reaction you feel is normal given the infidelity.

But let’s consider even if infidelity wasn’t a factor and you were divorcing without that, spending time together a whole evening a week would be enough for you to stay inside this relationship pattern/attachment. The normalcy of the three of you together as a family still provided the closed circle of a family. Him saying he is going to date opens that circle and sheds light on the remaining attachment.

I would let that settle, because I am sure it feels like you are doing this for the kid on the surface and logically. But divorce is a big step after that long married and even if no part of you wants to remain married, and I know you have lived separately for some time, the reality of opening that circle pops the comfort bubble that you may have been leaning in a little more than you realize. The idea of dating makes the reality come into focus.

[This message edited by hikingout at 4:37 PM, Wednesday, January 28th]

the reality of opening that circle pops the comfort bubble that you may have been leaning in a little more than you realize

I sat with this a while, and I agree I was leaning in too much. I don't think it was comfort exactly - I was often uncomfortable during "family night", but I believe in doing the right thing, and it felt right to give our kid as much stability as we could for the next year and a half (before she graduates). I made the mistake of believing that this would stay important to him - it was his idea! Turns out it was important only until something else became more important.

Oh well. As KitchenDepth pointed out, our kid will be absorbing lessons from our behaviors, so hopefully she will see me setting firm boundaries and internalize that too. Thank you all for confirming that I should hold the line.

[This message edited by NoThanksForTheMemories at 11:21 PM, Tuesday, January 27th]

Makes complete sense that you were getting comfort by thinking you were giving your daughter something. Especially with what I have read through the time you have been here.

I believe if you do what’s right for you while always considering her in the equation you will find that’s the factory what she needs to adjust. She needs to know mom and dad are okay and they care greatly for how she feels, what she needs, and that you are always available for for open and honest conversations.

Thanks, hikingout. I'm doing my best to give her that while also protecting myself.

Let's be real here... your ex proposed "family night" not for your child's benefit but for his own. He might not have pitched it that way to you, but from where I'm sitting the intent is clear. It was his way to communicate: "See kiddo? What I did wasn't so bad; Mom and I can be friends!"

Exactly.

Grand negative example for the daughter too. Imprinting on her the idea that that’s to be normalized in relationship, so she could in the future accept to have a man who does it to her, or follow in daddy’s footsteps.

Is toxic, human nature needs to understand consequences, and if they are not learned in our youth we carry flaws over into our adulthood

NoThanksForTheMemories (original poster member #83278) posted at 3:32 PM on Friday, January 23rd, 2026

For clarity, the kid is 16yo, so there's no confusion about our status. This is mainly to show her that her dad and I are on friendly terms. I've asked him to tell her about his dating plans soon, and I've requested that he not bring anyone over on the nights she's with him, which he's agreed to (for now *bitter laugh*).

Your "family" dynamic has changed. You are under no obligation to pretend that it's intact. You can be civil to each other and treat each other with basic respect and still remain separate. Your child will see that you are adults and capable of healthy boundaries.

While you may need to "protect" your child and their feelings, make no mistake, they are watching. They watch, and learn from what they are shown. You are entitled to set your own rules, protect your own health and well being. You aren't responsible to protect his reputation, alter the truth, or set yourself on fire to keep him warm.

Stand solid, set your own boundaries, and calmly explain them if needed. The worst thing I did was try to shield my kids from the ugly side of the truth. The truth has a way of speaking loudly for anyone listening. Trust me your daughter is seeing the harsh reality of relationships and learning how she will navigate them in her own life. Show her that she deserves respect, and healthy boundaries are nothing to be afraid of, and encourage her to be true to herself.

I know this is hard, and it's not fair. It never is. What starts in darkness ends in darkness. Eventually he will reap what he sowed, and it's rarely a pretty outcome.

I made the mistake of believing that this would stay important to him - it was his idea! Turns out it was important only until something else became more important.

The first thing I thought when I read your OP was that he wanted this because he didn't want to be alone. That's all. It's all about his selfish needs, not yours or your daughter's. I'm glad you see this now.

Yup, I see it all now, and I'm utterly through with him. Civility is all he gets anymore. I had started to rebuild a kernel of trust in him based on his behavior the past year, but it is dust since finding out that he'd started dating before telling me he was "thinking about it."

I've told him I will no longer socialize with him and our kid. I've told him he's out of game night (with mutual friends) and I'm staying in. I've started to pack up the last of my things and I'm planning to be moved out in the next week (if my health allows). I've also informed our kid of all this, and she was mildly taken aback but shrugged it off.

She reacted more strongly when I asked if her dad had informed her that he was already seeing someone ("What?! No, he didn't tell me.") I mean, considering he trickle-truthed me on the topic, I'm guess I shouldn't be surprised he did the same to her, but hope springs eternal.

This is not where I thought we'd be a month ago. I was really hoping to be more fully out of his life before he started dating, but so be it. The remaining steps for the divorce are mostly straightforward transactions. And if his new woman convinces him to turn the divorce nasty, my lawyer is ready to go.