SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am over 11 years post Dday. I still think about what my H did every day. It doesn't upset me like it did the first few years, but it's still there all the time. Most nights, as I lie down to sleep, the thoughts flood me. I still can't believe this happened to me. I still can't completely forgive my H.

Does this ever stop? Or, is it always going to be popping up because it's part of my story now?

I think all of us have a vote, a voice about how we focus our thoughts.

It is a tool I didn’t figure out until later in life, but my life in all aspects is better now, regardless of the trauma I’ve experienced in life.

I also think that no matter how centered we are before the A — it is a pain and experience that knocks ALL of us down for a while. In other words, it did take me several YEARS to heal enough to be able to choose my life, choose my day and decide where my focus was going to be.

I think with all loss and trauma, we can get reminders — even strong reminders, or triggers or intrusive thoughts, every day.

Heck, my greatest influence on my life, my grandfather, I find I miss him more as a get older than less, but I focus on the gratitude I have for all that he was for me and the positive impact he made.

I now do the same with my M.

If a thought from the past jumps in my brain, I entertain it, figure out why my brain is reminding me of that moment, or that pain. Then I focus on the fact that NONE of the PAST is happening to me now, and I focus on the gratitude of where my life is now, how much I’ve healed and how much work I put into rebuilding the M.

In your case, I think you are staying for different reasons, your own choices, which I respect.

If you’re happy with your choices focus on the good stuff or what good things are in your life now (other family or friends, etc).

18 years (her betrayal was in January 19, I knew it in my gut so it was DDay for me even before confession),and no they get more rare, but they will never go away.

Or better, they go away, my 2 ex girlfriend also betrayed me, I never had any intrusive thought about them ever, because I removed them from my existence.
When you chose to R with your Wayward Partner however, it is different.

Their presence it's a daily reminder of the betrayal, the damage from being cheated is one of the deepest wounds a human can experience, it will likely never go fully away, your mind compartimentalize it and hide it below the good things a reformed Wayward did to Reconcile.

But the betrayal was, it changed your life and relationship forever, the intrusive thought are tied to it.
The only way to truly get those out (in time, they will still haunt you for a while) is to remove the person who betrayed you from your life.

And that's a hard choice, they might have truly become a much better person than back then, so you have to feel: is more of a loss to live with intrusive thoughts, mind movies, triggers, etc, or to let that person go and forget about their existence?

I wish I had a better answer, I think a relationship that was compromised by betrayal requires constant compromise when you decide to patch it up, this is likely one of them.

I’m much further out than you, and the thoughts haven’t gone away. If anything, they’ve gotten worse.

I think that’s because I’m old enough now to be sure I’m not going to start over with someone new, and sure that my WW isn’t going to "come around."

She left me for another man, if she was ever "with" me to start with, and never came back.

Maybe I should have left her, way back then. Probably should have. The day after DD, I desperately wanted to load her in the car, drive her to his place, dump her on the front lawn, ring the doorbell and tell him he could have her. If my son came to me with exactly my story, with his wife, that’s what I’d tell him to do. But I didn’t.

And now, she’s a trigger. At the least sign of disrespect, or contempt, or unkindness, I am reminded of her lack of feelings for me, and the disappointment hits me.

Oh well, we have lived charmed lives in most respects, and I try to be grateful for the life I have had.

Best wishes.

Thanks, everyone. I don't hold onto the thoughts. I don't ruminate about them. I try to acknowledge them and let them pass. I try to think about the good things in my life and am grateful. We live a quite privileged life. I guess it seems to me that daily thoughts should be gone by now.

My H is committed to our M and our family. He is a decent guy except for the infidelity.

Their presence it's a daily reminder...

One of the reasons I divorced my exww was because she was a trigger. I really hated that. I hated that anytime we had a disagreement, however minor or major, I found the anger over what she did would resurface, every time. I couldn't live like that. I didn't want to divorce her. I didn't want to live with her. I wanted to find peace. And I did.

Today, even while reading here, I'm rarely triggered. Very rarely. I'm at peace with the past.

I also think his issues, which you've recently described, are also holding you back from finding your own peace.

I'm really sorry you're still struggling with all of this, my friend.

Today, even while reading here, I'm rarely triggered. Very rarely. I'm at peace with the past.

In my experience, removing the partner who betrayed you from your life, memories, gives you peace.

You do not regret, may even feel sorry for them, but intrusive thoughts are gone

It still crosses my mind more than I’d like, but I realize that had I left or if I were to now, I’d forever resent having to give up so much of what I value by staying married. I can never recreate what I have now and I’d be angry that I felt I needed to leave it. At my age, most people have things in their history that can be hard to revisit. Infidelity is a bad one, but not the only. I try counting my blessings helps push the thoughts out when they come around.

[This message edited by OnTheOtherSideOfHell at 11:33 PM, Friday, January 30th]

Hi Coco -

Thanks, everyone. I don't hold onto the thoughts. I don't ruminate about them. I try to acknowledge them and let them pass. I try to think about the good things in my life and am grateful. We live a quite privileged life. I guess it seems to me that daily thoughts should be gone by now.

I'm almost 21 years out, and I still get daily thoughts. I believe that's just the way it will be for me, and perhaps for you. It sounds like you are handling the thoughts really well - acknowledge them, understand why they came up, realize that they are old news, and then remain instead in the better present moment.

When the affair thoughts came up, I used to sometimes get "stuck" (ruminating) and that would cause me to withdraw for a bit from my wife. Lately, when this happens, I've been trying to do the opposite. Basically "leaning into" my wife instead of withdrawing. So, instead of hiding, I might intentionally go and be with (e.g. sit with and chat) or do something (e.g. go for a walk) with my wife, to reestablish a good present-time memory. Not sure if that makes sense to you, but thought I'd mention this anyhow.

Mr20Paws,

I used to get stuck in thoughts and get very upset. That hasn't happened for years. I guess I assumed that once I stopped getting emotional about it, the memories would stop popping up.

Leaning into your partner does make sense. I'm not there yet. I still withdraw from my H. We both admitted recently that we hold back from each other emotionally.

Thank you, unhinged. Your response touched me. It is a struggle. Idk if the thoughts would stop if I left. I still think about old boyfriends who mistreated me.

12 years out. Starting EDMR next week. It's gotten progressively worse lately. Lost my mom during D day time. Little brother past away 3 years ago and my dad just took maid. I'm the last one in my first family but the intrusive thoughts started to come more and more frequently as my stress went up. They never really went away. Just got less frequent until lately. So time to get some help. Wish I could say they leave and go away but not in my case. Hopefully EDMR and some therapy will help it.

15 years out, on SI essentially every day, I haven't forgotten my W cheated, but:

Today, even while reading here, I'm rarely triggered. Very rarely. I'm at peace with the past.

The key realization was probably understanding that I 'hear' self-talk that attacks me, and even so I can make the voices shut up by remembering that the A was not about me. I was collateral damage, and I was terribly hurt, but my W's fuck-up was neither something I caused nor something I could control.

I wouldn't say I'm triggered. Nothing happens that causes the thoughts to pop up except quiet. They usually come at times when I'm not occupied, like bedtime.

I have gone years at a time without coming on here. Idk why I came back this time. Nothing happened.

Hi Coco -

I wouldn't say I'm triggered. Nothing happens that causes the thoughts to pop up except quiet. They usually come at times when I'm not occupied, like bedtime.

Same for me. I think this isn't unusual though. Sometimes I drive myself crazy keeping my brain occupied doing things. That was easier before retirement. It's kinda like my brain got trained to revert back to thinking about my wife's affairs when it wasn't focusing on anything else.

I have gone years at a time without coming on here. Idk why I came back this time. Nothing happened.

Again same here. I was never on SI from 10 years out from DDay through 20 years out. It was my 20th antiversary in 2025 that led me back here. I posted a summary of my thoughts after 20 years out, which included your same concern about the daily thoughts that never went away. Like you, I was trying to figure out if that was normal.

My wife and I had not talked about her affairs for probably 15 years. Maybe you are in a similar situation, where there's nothing more to talk about with your husband regarding the affairs. But you find that don't have closure, and need more answers about why you feel as you do, so you ended up here again to ask how everyone else handles this mess.

I don't have any great answers, but I wanted to let you know that you're not the only one with these thoughts.
I get what you're saying and I understand how challenging it can be, having these thoughts in an otherwise wonderful life.