SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have a somewhat specific question for the people here who consider themselves securely attached.

Were you securely attached before the affair, and have you actually had what you would consider a successful reconciliation?

I ask because I keep noticing that a lot of the reconciliation resources seem to assume that the reconciling betrayed is insecure attach.

I am looking at specific challenges to reconciling from the perspective of a secure attach individual.

I was secure before my wife's affair. I had high self-esteem, trusted myself, trusted her, was comfortable with independence, and never had much fear around abandonment. I have also practiced mindfulness for more than 20 years.

The affair did not leave me believing that I am inadequate or that I cannot survive without my wife.

If anything, that creates a different problem.

I know I can leave.

I know I will be okay if I leave.

I do not need the marriage to prove my worth, and I do not need my wife to regulate me.

My wife is actually doing exceptionally well in reconciliation, particularly over the last month. She is doing serious work on herself, we are in structured therapy, and she is finally beginning to understand some of the deeper fearful-avoidant, shame, fawning, and escape dynamics that contributed to the affair.

So this is not a situation where I am contemplating leaving because she refuses to do the work.

The problem is that I am 19 months out, the relationship is objectively stable and connected, and I still feel unsettled.

My trust has barely returned.

I am not unhappy, but I am not particularly happy either.

My life sometimes feels like an ill-fitting suit. I can live in it. There is plenty that is good about my life. I still love my wife. But there is a persistent awareness that I would not have chosen this life if I had been given informed consent.

My nervous system frequently tells me to leave.

My heart and my brain tell me to stay.

What I am trying to understand is what this looks like specifically for people who started from secure attachment after years of remaining.

Did you eventually feel that staying was something you freely wanted, rather than something you had rationally decided was the best option?

Did the loss of agency and epistemic safety eventually become integrated into your life, or did you simply learn to live around it?

Most importantly, did you ever get back to being genuinely happy in the marriage?

I am particularly interested in hearing from people several years out who would describe themselves as securely attached before discovery and who believe their reconciliation was actually successful.

Not "we are still married."

I mean you genuinely like the life you ended up with and would still choose it today.

Does anyone here fit that description?

Little Monk --

Were you securely attached before the affair, and have you actually had what you would consider a successful reconciliation?

Among the early excuses my wife offered after confessing her A -- was that she didn't think I needed her.

She was right, and it was the only thing that made sense out of her other rationalizations to do what she chose to do.

By the time she confessed, our sons were young adults and we were financially secure.

Did the loss of agency and epistemic safety eventually become integrated into your life, or did you simply learn to live around it?

I would say if anything, I acquired more agency after the A.

Our M was distant before her confession, and the relationship felt more like a sense of obligation than anything else.

Infidelity breaks the deal.

It reminds me of those things I like about myself the most and also that the front door is always there if I need to use it one last time.

As to safety, that's generally an illusion in any part of life.

My safety is more like -- I know there isn't any emotional trauma that will end me.

I will be fine.

My safety also includes that I am awesome with or without a partner.

Are there things my wife does to make sure I feel good about my choice to stay? Absolutely.

The trust is hard earned through hundreds of consistent actions toward me and our relationship.

Ten years later, I am at peace and very happy with my wife and who she has become.

I'm happily married and it is a much better deal these days. We went after the M we both originally thought we had in the first place.

I couldn't ever recommend anyone stay unless they are building something worthy of oneself.

This is exactly the kind of thing I was looking for.

Also Safety was probably the wrong word to use... more "trust" that she would do what it takes to protect us in the future.

Thank you.