SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello again, posting here asking for insight.

It's been 3 months since D-day, and for those 3 months, I've been trying my best to not be that person that would do that again to someone I love. I know progress isn't linear, especially for patterns and behaviors that I've been used to doing for so long, but I feel like a piece of crap every time I attempt to change something in me that should have been addressed long ago, and then failing to maintain the momentum that I've started

Over the course of those 3 months, I've reconnected a bit with my now ex, and while we're still not together, she told me when she stayed over that I was a good person, that I have the capacity to be good, and I just got lost along the way. And believe me, I bawled. A lot. And I'm trying my best to prove that even though right now, I believe I don't deserve that love right now, I'm gonna try my damn best to at least say to myself at some point that I don't have to push her away just because she deserves better. I want to be better, for her. That much, I can say confidently.

And yet I still manage to push her away. She tries to initiate conversation, and yet I reply with very dry replies, all in an effort to make her sick of me because I don't know how to move past the shame of hurting her that badly. And yet at the same time, I can't even say that I don't need her anymore, because I do, and yet my actions show her otherwise.

For those who really did regret doing what they did, how do you not let shame hinder you from being a good person and making it up with your partner if you really want to rebuild the relationship?

Something that may point you in the right direction is attachment work.

Find Thais Gibson’s YouTube channel and use the assessment on her website to get an idea of your attachment style. She will have videos about that attachment pattern. Heidi Priebe also has a lot of excellent material on attachment, shame, avoidance, and the dynamic you’re describing.

What you wrote about wanting to be better for her, but then pushing her away because you believe she deserves better, is exactly the kind of pattern attachment work can help you understand. Shame can become toxic. It can cause you to withdraw, stonewall, shut down, or push someone away, and it can become another source of avoidance.

Lauren LaRusso also has some good material specifically aimed at unfaithful partners and the work of understanding why they behaved the way they did.

I obviously do not know enough about you from one short post to tell you what your attachment style is, but what you describe sounds like it could fit fearful-avoidant/disorganized attachment. If you want to watch a few things before taking an assessment, that may be a useful place to start.