SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Not specifically about affairs, but an excellent book for anyone who is ADD and married (like me) or who is married to someone who is ADD. The author's husband is ADD, but it describes both sides of the relationship accurately, fairly, and without judging but without excusing damaging behavior -- by either spouse. It helped me understand how much pain and aggravation my ADD caused my wife, and it helped her understand that I don't really intend to cause her pain and aggravation with the things I do. Anyone in a marriage with one spouse who is ADD will instantly recognize themselves in this book. Not everything applied to our marriage, but some much of it unmistakeably applies. And it does not stop with just describing the problems; it includes things for both spouses to do that will help them deal with the disease.

This observation was so accurate, it made me laugh, and when I've shared it with others with ADD, it made them laugh as well: For someone with ADD, there are only two times -- now and not now. If you understand that, then you should read the book.

(Sorry for the title. SI doesn't like titles with words in all caps.)

This was one of several books recommended to FWH and I by a counselor. I'm not sure why we chose the others first, but I'm definitely re-interested in checking it out.

I wouldn't call ADHD a "disease" though - "condition" seems a little more fitting.

I bought it to read and my wife really didn't like it. I had to agree with her after thinking about it - the author treats people with ADD like we're children who have little to no agency. She dismissed her husbands affair as down to ADD.

I tried to participate in their community a couple years back and the outright hostility to people with ADD made me feel like I was.. well like I was a teenager with ADD all over again, where I didn't belong and was there on sufferance of others who were better than I am.

Ultimately all I took away from the book was a lot of shame, guilt and the feeling that I should go out and have an affair because it's just so darn hard to stay focused.

Melissa Orlov was extremely helpful to me in her on-line writings in coming to a better understanding of how untreated adult ADHD could impact relationships, especially marriages. I corresponded with her in the "early days," maybe 13-14 years ago.

From the non-ADHD perspective, you have to understand that for the first 20 years of marriage I thought it was ME that had issues.

No one can really understand what the non-ADHD spouse goes through unless you ARE one, that's for sure.

That being said, it's not right to refer to ADHD as a "disease" - what all of us know who are close to this know:

- it looks different in adults than in children

- it's a terrible name for something (and will likely be changed)

- it's about different brain wiring

- adults with ADHD are not childlike (as noted)

- it carries with it both advantages and disadvantages

- medication can be a big help

[This message edited by TrulyReconciled at 4:12 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday)]

From the non-ADHD perspective, you have to understand that for the first 20 years of marriage I thought it was ME that had issues.

No one can really understand what the non-ADHD spouse goes through unless you ARE one, that's for sure.

That is really reassuring to hear. I feel like I've been a complete and utter asshole this entire relationship, even though I know I've tried so hard to meet him with compassion and communication, even pre-diagnosis.

This is reminding me that I DO need to get back into some quality literature on the subject.

I fully believe that you can be PRO-non ADHD spouse without denigrating your ADHD spouse in any way, and respecting them fully while being aware of their differences.

Some of the differences are just fine, and some are extremely frustrating to deal with for us nons.

I lost my life, in many ways, along the way, but I've more than recovered.

I fully believe that you can be PRO-non ADHD spouse without denigrating your ADHD spouse in any way, and respecting them fully while being aware of their differences.

Can't say as I see how it's possible. Everything there is very Othering.

If living with someone with ADD is so godawful that it feels like a life sentence that requires a support group then I don't understand how it isn't denigrating.

It's like getting together to talk about how hard it is to deal with a spouse suffering from clinical depression. Yeah, it's rough. It's a lot better than dealing with it while the whole world divides you over THERE and away from the "non-'s" to discuss just how rough life can be because you decided to live with someone.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 8:25 PM, March 4th (Wednesday)]

I agree that this is how a lot of the processing may start, StillGoing. I for one hope that I have gotten to a place outside of judgement. I guess Crazz would be the best judge of that. Fair enough.

For me, it's not so much that it's "godawful" as it was about learning how to understand how he processes things, and how differently I process things in turn.

Again, FOR ME, marrying Crazz and not understanding how my outlook varied from his is like marrying someone without realizing that you both speak different languages, and only knowing a handful of each other's native vocabulary but zero syntax.

My frustration with him was not in the nature of disdain so much as my lack of understanding. At least, that's what point I have come to.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:58 PM, March 4th (Wednesday)]

It's like getting together to talk about how hard it is to deal with a spouse suffering from clinical depression.

Yes, that too. How did you know?

Yes, that too. How did you know?

I dunno, heard the gunshots.

You don't get the full impact of ADD while dating a person. My S/O honestly told me of his diagnosis (while a teen) but I honestly had no idea what it meant. So he wasn't on time. Ever. I changed that by telling him I'd leave and do whatever I had planned if he wasn't on time. He made an effort and was mostly on time. Saved me fuming. But I didn't feel the full effects UNTIL we started living together. OY!!!!!!

I'm afraid knowing how his brain works(or doesn't) doesn't negate my frustration. His brain is different from mine and I should make allowances??? Well, my brain is different from his and maybe, once in a while, it should be his turn to make allowances. Sometimes I really, really get tired of dealing with it. It's like having a recalcitrant child.

I dunno, SG, I read the book and had a different takeaway than yourself. I didn't get the feeling that the author thought that living with an ADHD person was a burden per se, but that it did require an adjustment.

I don't find it demeaning, I just find it pragmatic.

I can tell you that the book described 95% of my wife and I's relationship dynamic (and my behavior) to a T. The only exception for me is that I'm never, ever late. Like, ever. I'm chronically too early.

I don't think there's any harm in saying that relationships between non-ADHD folks and ourselves have different dynamics....because they seem like they do, in my experience. Just like a relationship between someone who was born here and someone who wasn't has different dynamics.

I don't think recognizing differences automatically equates to creating an 'Other'.

Any commentary in this book about if both spouses are ADD, ADHD?

I definitely am, but feel I was lucky to be diagnosed young, and taught coping skills to deal with, and do pretty well in life with it.

My spouse on the other hand..... Definitely more the ADD, without the H, and lost focus, and no follow through. Just wondering how we can help each other to be our best selves.

Thank you for sharing this.

My 16 year old son was diagnosed with ADD years ago and had an IEP, etc. I shared some of this with his brother who is 3 years his senior.

The older son pointed out how his father (wh) Had so many things in common.

OMG!!!!

I never saw it at first, but WH is ADD!!

It explained so much!!

I have to investigate further. But his book sounds so good!

Thank you for sharing!