SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

By Bruce Fisher. Has anyone read it? Thoughts? My psychologist recommended it for help with the grieving process and more.

Hi Hawke, I haven't read it yet but 3 people in my divorce support group last night strongly recommended it so I plan to buy a copy! I can let you know

Read it, loved it! Thought I could skip over the section on grief because " i was over it" and it completely nailed emotions i was still having without understanding why. It's a great book.

Wow! It sounds like it is pretty good. I did end up buying it, but I haven't really had time to look at it. I did notice that the first two "building blocks" are denial and fear. I know fear is a big issue for me, but I don't know about denial. I guess I'll find out.

Yikes! I read the chapter on denial last night, and thought about the questions in the book. And then had bad dreams all night!! I think that means I'm processing. Looks like I have a lot of work to do.

I guess that means it's thought provoking...hopefully that's a good thing long term! sorry about your bad dreams though - I've had plenty of those and it's never a fun way to start the day. I ordered a copy of this book online, should be here in a few days.

Hawke, I finally started this book today and read the denial chapter...ironically I think I was avoiding starting the book b/c of my own denial feelings! It also left me feeling like I have a lot of work to do...thought provoking questions to be sure. Though I think a lot of them are making me realize that my STBX and I didn't have nearly as much in common/were not as compatible as I used to believe. Hoping I don't have bad dreams tonight but we'll see! ((hugs))

I hope you had a restful sleep, Rosie!

I also realized that I have some denial. The question about whether or not STBX and I were friends was really hard. I used to think we were best friends, partners, taking on the challenges of life together. But what kind of friend betrays you and dumps you? And there is still a small part of me holding on to hope that he will realize what a selfish jerk he has been and try to get back together and make it up to me. But I don't think I would let him, anymore.

I talked to my psychologist about my denial, and she said that not all denial is unhealthy and it is a reasonable coping mechanism to help me endure the in-house separation. If I felt like it was preventing me from taking steps to get out of that situation, then it would be a bigger issue to me.

I haven't got very far - I'm just reading the next chapter on Fear, but I'm afraid of going through the questions.

lol...I haven't started the fear chapter yet either. This feels like a book where it's better to take it slowly though so I'm using that as my excuse for the moment. I actually found a support group near me that does the workshops this book is based on - I'm meeting with the facilitator tomorrow night to see if it might be a good fit!

Completely agree on the friend question...if anyone had asked me 6 months ago, I would have said my STBX was my best friend. But that was based on a false facade - reality was during the A timeframe, he's better defined as my worst enemy. He was silently destroying me and I didn't know it yet.

I did have weird dreams by the way...thankfully don't remember a lot of them now but it wasn't a super restful night. That's normal as of late though!

I have to say the other questions made me feel a little better about the D - they made me realize we have less in common than I used to believe. I definitely had rose colored glasses on before all of this...those are long gone now!!

Workshops on the book would be great. I looked, but there doesn't appear to be anything where I live. I think you are further ahead than me with acceptance - I am still unable to think of him as my enemy, or really come to terms with the separation (I know it's happening intellectually, but I don't want it to be happening), even if the biggest thing we have had in common in the last couple of years has been the kids.

I've also been having weird dreams frequently - they are probably pretty common after infidelity.

I found the courage to read the fear chapter today! My homework now though is to make a list of my fears...and the book got me thinking that this might be a longer list than I realized.

I think I am going to sign up for the workshops - starts in Jan, I'll let you know if I have any great revelations

Acceptance for me is a work in progress...I do think I've come a long way with in the past month or so. For me, telling others that I'm getting a divorce, doing the logistical things to split finances/stuff and even reading a book about relationships ending (vs. dealing with affairs) all take some of the surreal feeling out of it. But I still catch myself thinking sometimes 'when STBX and I do x or I should tell STBX about y' and it's those moments that I realize there's some part of me that's still in denial about this.

I've also been having weird dreams frequently - they are probably pretty common after infidelity.

Indeed they are and they're really getting me down at the moment. I'm divorced and D-Day was nearly 2 years ago! It all takes a long long time to process.

I may give this book a try.

Sillyoldsod, I'm sorry you are still disturbed by dreams after 2 years. I anticipate it will take me that long to start to feel normal. After all, it will be close to a year from D-Day before STBX and I will live in separate residences.

I did make a list of some of my fears, although I need to expand on them. Yikes!

I read the next chapter, which was on adaptation. I have a suspicion that I'm over-responsible, but it's hard for me to recognize my own personality. I could be overresponsible in some areas and underresponsible in others. I'll have to think about it.

I did as part of divorce support group. It helped a lot

I just finished the Adaptation chapter, so I haven't made it very far yet. nothing fits me 100%, but I believe I have a strong over-responsible strain, with a smattering of logical-rational (I can easily accept my "good" feelings, but struggle to accept fear, anger and sadness) and people pleaser. Lots to work on!

Hawke, I don't do feelings very well but the guilt/rejection, anger and sadness were so overwhelming I had no choice but to face them and the reading exercises helped me process them.

Thanks, traiconada! The anger has been overwhelming recently. I've never felt anything so violent before! I'm hoping the anger chapter helps me process it.

I found this book really helpful so thank you Hawke for posting on SI.

I'd imagine everyone on here would find something of benefit in it. The book has easy to read chapters on each of the 19 re-building blocks. It's full of both common sense and insight.

In the chapter on 'Adaptation' this extract caused me a wry smile (the italics are the author's):

'Most folks think they married because they "fell in love." I've decided that falling in love is an unstable condition - maybe even an emotional illness! Oftentimes it has to do with the way the partners are unbalanced, rather than having anything to do with love. Some of us marry our disowned or disused personality parts and call it "falling in love." '

I found the chapter on 'Transition' which deals with mid life very challenging. The author encourages the partner of the person going through 'rebellion' (which includes having affairs!) to be patient and try to work with the 'rebel' to help repair the damage they suffered in their childhood/FOO.

I'd be really interested to hear from any BS who has read the book having suffered infidelity as a result of their partner's 'midlife crisis'. What was your take on this particular chapter?

From my own pov I did try to help my WW. I tried to be empathetic and encouraged her to have counselling but she wouldn't do the work. I waited for 18 months for some positive signs of change in her but they never came.

There has to come a point for our own health and wellbeing when we are no longer prepared to spend any more time 'Waiting for Godot'!

I'm so glad it is helping you, silly! I am still on the grief chapter, which is really, really hard. I find I don't grieve the loss of STBX, as much as I grieve the loss of our family unit and my identity within that particular family unit. I suppose I grieve for STBX's departure from my life, but it's grief for the person I thought STBX was, not who he really is.