SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The Covert passive aggressive narcissist. Recognizing the traits and finding healing after hidden emotional and psychological abuse.

by Debbie Mirza

I read an article online by this author and it haunted me,

google this for the article

25 signs of a passive aggressive covert narcissist. life lessons.

It is an incredible read when you have or think you have been manipulated and abused by this type of narcissist.

I'd love to have a conversation with others who have read the book or are in a similar situation.

I'm very interested to see your replies as well. I have listened to the entire audiobook, read and re-read the book itself as I am absolutely positive that this describes my WH exactly.

I have never cried so many tears as I did listening to this book because it was heart wrenching to hear so many things that he has done to me and I am now 100% convinced that he is a Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist!

My therapist has also met individually with him several times and is convinced he is also a SA which he vehemently denies but I believe he is as well. Sadly with these people the hits just keep on coming.

((((hcsv))))

Thanks for posting this, hcsv. Most of the covert pa npd resonates in my experience. Sad but true. I told IC and some friends that he only did those things when no one else would be around to see. Even if other were present, he would get me away from them to say things to bring me down or put me down or frame it as a joke (j/k) kind of cover-up if someone was there, but I wouldn't laugh because I knew.

I did just get this book last week. Of course I knew about a narcissist, but could not really label my WS as a narcissist. But thru the years this just kept nagging away at me, "why do I just FEEL like there is something always off or just not right or I can FEEL his silent "rage" under all of his fake smiles and fake persona?

But he would turn around and be super nice to me or "act" OK for awhile and I would let it go. We separated... but got back together cuz he "love bombed" me. He would do something selfish or just plain stupid that would not be for the good of the marriage, we would argue but then he would be really nice and act like he understood....but the pattern would keep happening.

In some of my journaling way back about 15 yrs ago I even make a note of it saying "it feels like he purposely implodes our world every 5-7 yrs" and yet I still took him back because he is really good at acting like he "gets it" and seems fine for awhile but then it ramps up again.

I could just not figure out why I felt so unbalanced all the time.

And boy the whole chapter on sex in a marriage with a CN... phew. Could I relate to that.

And that you may not realize it until 20-30 yrs into a marriage, but they will all of a sudden just blow it up, YES that is what happened with us, 23 yrs in.

Yes this book pretty much nailed how I have been feeling and why my life felt so unbalanced and really how I slowly became this person who was always on "alert" for something bad to happen because my WS programmed me that way. Pretty sad as this is not the happy fun joyous person I was.

[This message edited by realitybites at 7:51 AM, April 5th (Friday)]

I think I better get this book...my WH isn't what I would consider a full blown narcissist but just reading the forward of this book makes me think this might answer some questions!

Thanks.

I'm so pleased others are benefiting from this book.

I read it once and was so shocked that it described his behavior that it was about all I could get out of it.

Now, I'm going to read it again with a different outlook. Me and how his behavior affected ME. How his behavior changed the very person I used to be?

Yes, according to Eric Barker's "Barking up the Wrong Tree"..."The Teddy Bear has Claws"!

I read the book last week and it was a painful read for me. Suddenly, I noticed all of the red flags that I had had before in my marriage but never connected them.

I literally had trouble sleeping after reading the first few chapters because a lot more of my life/marriage made a lot of sense. The section that particularly haunted me was where she describes the typically victim... that section pretty much described both me and my daughter, who is now dealing with major self-esteem issues.

I also starting taking notes as I read about the book and the things that she had done over the years, including:

1. One year, she didn't acknowledge that it was my birthday. Towards the end of the day, I got annoyed/angry and I brought it up with her. She replied that she was simply waiting for the "right time", as if she could only say "Happy Birthday" once per year.

2. When she told me that she wanted a divorce, she said it was because she determined that I would never trust her. When I responded with the fact that I had just caught her in a major lie, she scolded me for shaming her about her past lies.

3. One year, I was in the kitchen carving the turkey. STBXW and her family literally started eating before I came into the room. STBXW's aunt asked if they should wait for me... the response was "no."

4. Whenever STBXW received a phone call, she would ignore me, the person who was actually in the room. Whenever I would call her, she would not speak to me if she was with someone else.

5. My latest example is from our divorce. We had a 15-year marriage, during which time she held at least one 8-year long affair (and I am very suspicious that there were numerous other acts of infidelity). Being a co-dependent, I wrote her that I regretted that our divorce had become adversarial. She responded that the adversarial divorce was my fault because I had a bad attitude.

6. Just a general feeling that I was always the least important person in her life. I felt taken for granted, that I would always be there no matter what... so she could treat me poorly and I'd still be there.

Yes, I read it once and then really needed to digest it for a bit. It made me cry but also finally explained so much. I too will have to go back and read it again.

I also mentioned it on the "I Can Relate" forum under the Co Dependency thread. I thought maybe it might help some people there who are not looking at the Book Club thread.

Really an eye opening book.