SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My divorce was finalized a couple months ago. While the end of my marriage was terrible, heartbreaking, and nothing I ever wanted, it happened nonetheless. I read everything I could, went to therapy, worked on myself, and finally realized that while I loved my ex and was always fully committed to my marriage and family, there is just no way that I could be married to her anymore after seeing her lack of commitment and disrespect for me and our family.

After the divorce was finalized, I planned to take time and just enjoy single life. I have always been very social and have a huge, great network fo friends. But I got out and met new people, had fun, and surprisingly didn't feel broken or bitter in any way. It is as if once that marriage door was fully and finally closed, a switch flipped, and it was up to me to move on and continue to live my life.

My concern (if you can call it that) is that I have found someone that seems absolutely fantastic. She is patient, understanding, and we get along extremely well. Our chemistry is ridiculous and nothing feels forced in any way. I feel completely comfortable being open with her and she seems to feel the same.

I feel like I'm missing something. I am concerned that this is some kind of rebound relationship and that I should be more guarded. It just seems really unlikely that after a 14 year marriage that I would stumble so quickly into the perfect woman. Has this happened to anyone else?

Again, I'm not sure what I'm asking, but any advice/experiences would be helpful. I'm not looking to move forward quickly (mostly due to being extremely cognizant and careful with my kids, as is she), but it just feels suspiciously easy. It seems silly to walk away and slow down just because the timeline is different than I expected it to be. Guess there are certainly worse problems out there...

After I got dumped, very shortly after, I fell into a relationship with a new woman. She was stunningly beautiful, highly sexual, smart, fun. The whole shebang. I was ecstatically happy and it all seemed so easy.

Gradually, I came to know her and her family and realized that she had deep FOO issues, including CSA. I was a professional single man, co-dependent and loyal to a fault. I think she viewed me as a life raft amidst the flotsam of her wreck of a life. Actually, I would have been fine with that, but I also began to realize that she was being inauthentic with me. Not her true self. It seemed so effortless with her because she was pretending to be the perfect person for me, making it effortless.

This led to the realization that if we stayed together she would eventually begin to resent me for all of the unspoken contracts she thought we had entered into, all of the ways she had compromised and betrayed her true self to make things easy for me.

I'm not saying this is your situation. But I would suggest you try to figure this out.

I suggest you look at Attachment styles, and see if you can find one of those free, online self-tests to score your lifelong Attachment style. The research repeatedly observes that: (a) peoples' Attachment styles don't tend to change throughout their life but often fit the pattern set by their earliest life experiences; (2) Securely-attached people tend to bond with other Securely-attached people and have more harmonious relationships than those who are either Anxiously-attached or Avoidantly-attached.

But worse (ask me how I know!) this also means that (3) those with an Anxious attachment or Avoidant attachment style will tend to seek or feel "most comfortable" with another Anxious or Avoidant style individual; they will not be as deeply attracted to a person with a Secure attachment style! Sounds crazy, I know, but it's supposedly because someone with a Secure Attachment style just "feels foreign" to them, since they've never known what that kind of attachment feels like! We all seek the familiar, is their theory.

From what I've studied, I'm not sure if people really are able to change their Attachment style in adulthood, but from the studies done, it seems that partners with healthy Attachments reporthappier outcomes. Just a thought to check into.

This happened to me about 6-8 months after my wife was out the door. I was just like you and not looking or expecting it.

I fell very in love with this woman over time. Seriously, I was putting lots of effort into being careful, etc., and then it just happened. She felt the same way.

2.5 years later, here I am back on the old infidelity website again. Sucks.

She seemed "perfect," and it was very natural and easy. Everything you're describing about your current person, same.

If I could go back in time and change something, it would have been to be a bit more reserved and *highly* aware of my boundaries and whether they were being crossed (they were), and being strong enough to pull the plug at the first sign of that. I would have also clearly expressed my boundaries and communicated differently. I trusted this woman fully, and I really felt she was "the one."

Anyway...I don't think your story has to be my story. Just communicate and be aware of your boundaries!

[This message edited by Okokok at 6:03 PM, April 29th (Wednesday)]

Think of it as the infatuation stage.

Proceed slowly. She may be the real deal and in that case good for you!!!

But just remember you don’t live together and that alleviates a lot of “ issues”. Enjoy your time together. Have fun. Don’t put too much stock in her so early on.

Test the waters first. Don’t dive right in.

This is the point where you probably start meeting her family members, perhaps her children.

It's where you observe their interactions, how they are, how they treat one another...Like Butforthegrace has pointed out.

Take your time, as 1stWife has pointed out. Enjoy yourself but don't speak of living together, etc, until you have more information.

Make sure you keep your boundaries in place. As Okokok has pointed out, when we're in the infatuation stage, we sometimes let them slip a bit.

She can't maintain the perfect woman for you forever if it is a facade. If that's what it is, it will come out, but that doesn't mean that you can't enjoy her company in the mean time.

Proceed with caution.

Right now, coming out of a long-term relationship with someone who fed you swill for so long, even canned cat food is an upgrade. I'm not saying this is the case, but I have noticed that when I look at my post-divorce relationships, there is one thread that runs common to all: as I got more emotionally healthy and worked through all of my baggage regarding my marriage, the people I chose to date and be with were healthier, more complete people.

Enjoy it, though. But don't beat yourself up if it ultimately ends up not working. That's why we date and have relationships.

Cat

I had a similar experience with my exGF. I eventually discovered a bunch of unresolved FOO/CSA issues and unstated/unrealistic expectations. I hope this is not your case, but make sure you have grown enough to ask the needed questions to find out who this person really is. Many people believe they need to project a distortion of who they are to attract someone.

Same pattern as my exWW, but I did not discover these issues until after we were married.

Make sure you are doing the work to understand who this person really is and not just counting on the emotional high as an indication she is the one.

All great advice, and much appreciated. These thoughts are exactly what I have been dealing with. Maybe I was a little more starved for affection and support during my marriage than I realized. Just because there is an "upgrade" available, doesn't necessarily mean that she is the one.

I am definitely moving slow. I have kids and am committed to not introducing anyone to them until 6 months or so into a committed relationship. This girl understands and agrees with that. She is successful and has a tremendous family and friend network of what appears to be healthy and happy relationships. She has been divorced several years after a fairly tumultuous relationship and has done a lot of work on herself as well.

I think the prevailing thought is to have fun, keep vigilant, and always be aware of all aspects of the relationship. Commitment is a long way off, but that doesn't mean that I can't enjoy getting to know someone in the meantime.

Honestly, I dated several people simultaneously right after my marriage ended. It was exhausting, and I don't think I'm necessarily built for that. I would rather get to know someone and see where things take me relationship by relationship. Longterm commitment and marriage is not my goal now, but it seems silly to walk away from someone that is a great match just because she doesn't fit into the timeline that I had imagined.

Again, I appreciate the advice and will take it all to heart. It's really nice to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And it's really nice to know that I didn't come out of my marriage near as jaded and resentful as I expected to.

Funny story. I had one grandmother married 7x. All divorces.

She was stunningly gorgeous even in her 70s. Men just loved her and wanted to take care of her.

Except she was a train wreck. Drank too much. Cheated on her Husbands. Everything you read here.

She could only keep up the facade for so long. Her true colors came out. But they still stayed with her because they loved her.

Be very careful. If you’re not living together the mask can remain in place indefinitely.

I started talking to someone I saw on occasion for work related, but never really sat a talked to because she was married. I was really good friends with her co worker. We started talking about our upcoming divorces and we really hit it off. It was super easy and enjoyable. Everything about the relationship is easy, and the issues she might have are not really issues that bother me.

She has been dead honest with me even to the point of possible losing the relationship. We have talked everyday (but 4) for over a year now. And it just continues to be easy. Even our disagreements are enjoyable for me, because the communication is sincere and she is transparent. She has a great relationship with her family and I really enjoy her family as well. (I never got along with ex wife family)

We have been together more than a year and will plan on dating for another year before we really talk about our future.

Give it time, and do not be afraid to challenge her on issues that you notice. If they cannot be transparent and honest, then its time to move on.

[This message edited by Ichthus at 2:38 AM, June 3rd (Wednesday)]

I just wanted to chime in and say thank you for this perspective. Its hard not to over analyze every relationship, but if it feels good it feels good. And right now it does feel good.

Some of the dysfunctional personality types include those who morph themselves to fit the needs of their partner, until they don't want to anymore. The "whatever you like" type allows you to set the framework of the relationship around what you like, and will adapt to that, sometimes for a nice long time. Long enough to get engaged, and married.

Eventually they start testing out what they want. To go out alone, to do things you don't like, to be late home from work, to start getting space and having "their own" needs met.

I would want to know a LOT more about their past interests and friends, how their life changed over the years and how those changes were related to relationships.

I too met someone early on. The difference was I had met him briefly before and we knew a lot of the same people so I knew "of" him. We both felt it immediately and he confessed that he had been intrigued by me the first time he met me years ago but I was married. We took it very slowly. We're both 58 years old so no kids to worry about although we took it slowly with our grown kids too. Two years later and we're extremely happy. I feel peaceful around him like I never did with XWH. I know it's right.

I would say, proceed very slowly and go with your gut. And be totally honest with her. Enjoy this! You deserve it.