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I want to make my husband happy. I want to do the work and answer all the questions. I love him so much. I have betrayed his trust for 15 years.

How do I start to rebuild trust?

How do I start the conversation to keep the healing going?

H pointed out I have a hard time keeping my feelings and emotions out of us talking. I don't want to be this way.... I don't want to loose my H.

My PA was over 15 years ago and I don't remember all the details my H thinks I should. And I don't... he wants a timeline of dates but I can't provide dates or how many times for sure.

How do I communicate with him and not make him feels I'm lying or omitting information.

I wish I had an answer for you. Just here to tell you you've been heard and I sympathize with your dilemma. 15 years is a long time. My BS still isn't "over it" nearly 8 years after Dday. We're still together but mostly we rugsweep, except when we don't.

Hang in there, friend.

he wants a timeline of dates but I can't provide dates or how many times for sure.

How do I communicate with him and not make him feels I'm lying or omitting information.

Fifteen years is a long time to try to remember details, I agree. So your best to just start writing. Start from the beginning writing it all out. Fill in the blanks with dates and details as they resurface.

When talking to your BH make sure you aren’t telling him why you can’t give him information. Give him what you can and tell him you will work towards providing better details when you can and then actually work on finding them. Look through old calendars, phone records, bank accounts to fill it in.

The timeline should be a priority. As far as building trust, just work in becoming a safe partner for now. Trust takes years to establish. Focus on things that are within your grasp right now.

If you haven’t read it already, get a copy of How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair.

All you can do is be proactive in finding him his answers. Some details are going to be gone. After 15 years, your brain will have naturally forgotten parts of your A, and it also possible that you made a concentrated effort to forget. If you're like me (another "years later" minimizer), you might have rationalized that there's no reason to keep dangerous information rattling around in your brain where all it can do is expose you. I drove that stuff as far down in the vault as it would go, and even when I made the conscious decision to finally admit everything, the security guard in my brain wouldn't unlock it.

I know this probably sounds ridiculous and dramatic to anyone who hasn't experienced it, but protecting lies for a long time is like a mild form of multiple personality disorder. When my thinking brain finally decided that it was time to come clean and face the consequences, my protective subconscious refused to sign on. If I had to give a visual metaphor for this, it was like chasing myself down through a dark corridor of slamming doors until I finally had myself cornered and demanded the keys. My protective self, defeated and defiant, threw them at me and said, "Fine, fuck it, do what you want. Destroy us both." It definitely wasn't a peaceful process.

When you open those doors, you may find that what's behind some of them isn't readable anymore, and that's when you do detective work. What were you doing 15 years ago? Do you have photos, calendars, messages from friends, souvenirs from travel -- anything that might help give you context about where you were, and when? There is no such thing as an irrelevant detail when you're trying to solve a mystery. If nothing else, it shows effort. If you can say, "I still can't tell you how many times we did X, but here's some pictures of my friends at the bar for so-and-so's birthday and I remember I went to his place afterwards," or "I was out of town for work that week, so I can say for sure that we didn't see each other, but it makes sense that we would have called because I know I called him on the trip before that," you're volunteering detail your BH would not otherwise have. It helps build the big picture that you have deliberately hidden for all these years.

For me, the standard that helped trigger memories was preparing for a polygraph. My BH didn't want one, but he knows that it is permanently on offer, so one of my goals is to be ready at any time. Periodically, I ask myself if I can pass the question, "Have you told your husband the truth of everything you remember about the affair?" That might not even pass muster as a polygraph question, it's pretty subjective, but that's not the point. The point is that I want to be able to answer "Yes" to that question without fear of failure. I had to admit some really damning, shameful, hurtful things on the way to my "yes." But that's how I know the TT is over, and far more importantly, it's how he starts to believe it, too.

Brave, it's like you read my mind. I wouldn't have been so elegant with my wording but I feel that way.

It gives me some relief that I have a game plan. I have some items during that time. I had a journal but that's how my H found out about my PA in the beginning of our relationship. And I was 21 or 22 so I a rage of anger I threw my journal away.

I do have a game plan, thank you.

I found a journal/scrapbook I had kept from 2002 to 2012. I reread it all ... it started when I first started my Senior year of high school. And I break my own heart reading this. In those 10 years I lost who I was... I can see a downward spin after my first love broke up with me and got with a girl he had cheated on me with.

I haven't looked at this book since 2012 and even then I didn't go back and reread a lot of what I wrote.

Last night I cried so much reading and seeing all the pictures from that time in my life. I found one I wrote about my EA partner.

(Background 7 yrs ago I had an EA 3 to 4 wks long with an ex from high school.)

I found a page I wrote back in high school it was a reflection on my short relationship I had with the guy who later become my EA. And wow I'm messed up. He treated me like shit back then and I let him get between my H and I. I'm so ashamed I feel like shit, I let some piece of shit come between my H and I and now I'm on the verge of loosing my marriage. I'm so confused why would I do that?

I keep reflecting about that time in my life when I had my EA... I had a job I hated, I was 10 years out of high school. I was in a 7year loving relationship with my BF ... we got married after the EA when we planned and conceived our first child.

We have rug swept so much we are dealing with an PA I had when my relationship first started 15 years ago and EA I had 7 years ago.

I want to share this book with my H but every time I plan the day to give it to him I go into a flight or fight panic mode. My heart pounds out of my chest, I start to shake and get sick to my stomach.

I had only reread this last night so I do need to share this book don't I? And all of its contents even if it's not relevant to our current situation. I have never been open with anyone and I'm literally about to open the book to my H. I have shared more with him than anyone but I'm still a wreck.

I want to share all this with H but I'm fighting my instincts to keep it to myself. Do I just give him the book or do I write a letter and give it to him with the book do we read it together?

Give him the book, and do it now. The longer you wait for the right moment (which will never come), the higher the risk that he will feel like this is a step backwards instead of forwards. He needs to know that the decision to be transparent is already made, not still being debated. And if he finds out this scrapbook exists while you're mulling your options, that's it. He will never believe you were going to come clean on your own. If it runs from 2002-2012, then your 2005 PA should be right there in the middle of it, right?

I do sympathize. I kept a journal during my 4-month-long A that I destroyed afterwards. It would have been torture for my BH to read it; I wrote it during a very boring seminar I had twice a week, and thought I don't remember the specifics, I'm sure they were very complimentary about OM and illustrated just how far my head was up my ass. He's glad I didn't want to keep those memories and threw them in the trash for myself, but it also means that the specifics of how I felt about OM in the moment are a permanent mystery. A contemporary account would be gutting, but at least it would bring the peace of seeing the full unvarnished truth with his own eyes. I did keep a box of letters from OM at my parents' house, and we opened and read them together. I hadn't seen them in decades. That was rough, but it built trust, because what OM wrote tallied with what I had told BH.

If BH found out I was hiding anything from him at this point, or had just thrown away the journal recently, my reasons wouldn't matter in the slightest. It would be game over. I'm basically begging you not to make that choice. Don't write a letter full of attempts to mitigate it, and don't insist you be there when he reads it, unless that's what he wants. Hand him the scrapbook and tell him that he's in complete charge of what happens next.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 2:55 PM, December 28th (Monday)]

Brave,

Thank you for advice. I'm feeling more confident about being my H's support and being transparent. I'm struggling but this isn't about me. It's about H and his recovery and the road to R.

[This message edited by 15yrsinthemaking at 2:16 AM, December 29th (Tuesday)]

[This message edited by 15yrsinthemaking at 8:16 AM, Tuesday, December 29th]

Brave,

I couldn't do it but I did find two more books I have. They are from the years during before or after the EA. There isn't anything that has to do with the EA but I'm still giving it to my H.

H works graveyards so when he gets home tomorrow I'll hand him everything I have found. I have read and reread it all ... I'm ready to open up and share it all. Everything from when I was 18 to when I wrote my wedding vows.

I'm a mess and I think it's more about feeling exposed and vulnerable. Nothing in there will be new information to my H well I don't think so. I hope not but I will give him all the books. My art journal as well as all the scrapbook journals. I'm feeling exposed and naked and I haven't even given the books to H.

I'm not sure there's anything more terrifying to a WS than vulnerability. We are all control freaks who lie and manipulate to protect ourselves. You're finally facing how much fear you have been carrying around; it has been such a part of your life that much of its weight was invisible to you. The difference between just a few lies and no more lies is incalculable in living authentically.

Hang in there. I know it feels surreal to even think about exposing yourself this way, but you can do it.

I did it! And H had no interest in reading or seeing the books. He asked me to pull everything about them out and that was all he said.

I have done what he as asked. And I'm almost done with my timeline...as much as I can.

I love my H with all my heart I hope he can see it and feel it.

Good for you. I'm not sure what you mean by "pull everything about them out" -- does that mean he just wants to see any excerpts that relate directly to either AP?

Neither was I so I pulled the items that had to do with either guy. And it's now sitting with my completed timeline.

He didn't want to read the book because a lot was from before I even met him. But he seemed almost irritated I offered him my book. Maybe he just wants the timeline. So I'll give that to him.

It's better to offer too much than not enough. He's in the weeds and understandably not inclined to feel grateful, but over time, it will make an impression if you are consistently transparent.

There were things in my timeline that gut punched my BH, and it took a while for him to absorb the full monstrosity of it. I think he kept going downhill for several weeks, caught between horror at the truth and fear that there was still worse to come. After a few months, when there were no new disclosures, he slowly started to improve. Just make sure there's nothing you are holding back, because that would be crueler than anything you've done so far.

I gave BH the timeline. It was what I think BH wanted. Last Saturday BH and I also had a very long conversation about my PA, BH had to ask questions that made him sick. The pain in his eyes the hate in his voice I made him go through this. But there is nothing else to share, I have no more secrets.

In my opinion this was the hardest part. Getting the truth out in all its ugly glory. No doubt there will be more tough situations to come, but there was something extra about laying it all out there. I felt with each truth I had to deliver it would for sure be the one that did us in.

Its obvious that its the least we can do, but for someone like me, it felt like one of the most courageous acts I made throughout it all. So don't discount the courage you are showing as well. Many do not afford their BS the truth.

What you are doing right now is setting the baseline, you are at ground zero and everything from this point will determine your success. Not only in R but within yourself as well. What you pour into this new foundation matters.

I know trust is important to you but understand it could take years for that to return. Focus on the immediate. Did I read correctly that dday was 3 weeks ago?

Did I read correctly that dday was 3 weeks ago?

TT stopped 3 wks ago. BH found out about the PA, after I ended it. It was over for about 1 year when he had found out but I lied and rugswept. BH and I didn't deal with these things back then. I lied about my feelings during the PA. PA was 15 yrs ago. And I also withheld information and lied to BH about details my EA. BH knew about the EA too. EA 7 years ago.

3 weeks ago I stopped the lies. I know I can't rush any of this process

I have a heavy heart today. I can only see pain in my BHs face. The pain he carries is my fault because I was selfish and lied and didn't treat him with the love and respect he deserves.

I know he wants to work out he wants to feel better he wants to feel safe and loved. He is working on him and I'm working on me and we are both working together.

I don't want to seem pushy with but I think I'm keeping my distance. We did cuddle last night but I couldn't bring myself to talk to him. I just needed his touch and I feel ashamed for only thinking of myself last night. And today we are busy with the kids so tonight is when we get talk and he is back to graveyard hours after tonight.

I hope these conversations are helping him I know that's all that matters. I just want to support him do what I couldn't bring myself to do months back. I want to support, love, honor and respect my BH show him I'm in this all the way for now until forever.

Accidentally double posted.

[This message edited by 15yrsinthemaking at 2:29 AM, January 5th (Tuesday)]