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Hey everyone, so its been a rough road because we both had and were dealing with a lot of past trauma. To be fair I was not really dealing with mine but more just burring my head in the sand and saying ill deal with it when I am in a better spot. I really want to just flip a switch and get things going on the repair work. I need some advice on somethings that I can do on a daily basis to keep the work on the fore front and not let it slip under the other things in life that usually get in the way.

Thanks!

A great thread was bumped for you to read.

Ruminating in Hindsight, My Work

I really want to just flip a switch and get things going on the repair work.

I don't believe there's an switch to turn on being good or bad. It requires serious effort from those of us who have been selfish for so long.

Here's an exercise that helped me. Someone suggested I make a list of traits future good me will have. What kind of person do I want to become. A goal to strive for so to speak. Here's a very short high level example. I want future me to be completely honest, live with integrity (for me that means no shortcuts), absorb how people around me are feeling (empathy), and think and act for others wellbeing first, before my own (stop being a selfish dick). My list also includes daily things like be more involved with my daughter, hug her more or going to work and doing something productive right away (instead of BSing with coworkers).

As far as daily things you can do....

Set aside sometime everyday to focus/reflect on your days actions. Did they align with the person you are trying to become? What could you have done differently? An alarm on your phone for a daily reminder can help jump start the habit.

If you aren't already, check in with your wife. Don't avoid her for your own selfish reasons. I know it's hard to look at someone you've betrayed. It will make you feel terrible, seeing her like that. But it's more important to be there for her when you can.

Can you give examples of the work you want to be doing? (Besides the obvious like being faithful)

I am a WS and me and my wife are trying to recover the marriage. She is trying harder than me I'm sorry to say...But what you wrote here is a huge help to me in doing the work. I have not followed through on the work, but these items will be a great help, so I'm going to implement them.

Thank you!

There is no switch. Truth is, this is hard work, and if it isn't, then you aren't doing it right. My therapist once compared it to a broken knee. It takes a knee a long time to heal. It doesn't matter if you throw a thousand doctors at the problem, it doesn't matter how many Tylenol you take, the knee is going to take as long as it takes to heal. Fixing ourselves is very similar. It takes time, and it takes effort.

What you are essentially changing is your own programming, a lifetime of how your body and mind choose to react to stimuli, and that is no small task. I will tell you this however. It gets easier as you make progress. Once you are able to clear out some of the worst and most damaging thoughts, behaviors and responses, then they no longer stand in the way of future understanding and change.

For me, I started with a simple premise. To be honest, in all things. When I did get the urge to lie or embellish, I did my best to try and catch myself doing it, and then examine that thought process as best I could. Why did I do that? What was I trying to protect or gain? Where did I learn to do that? How would I feel if it was done to me? How do I feel about myself doing that to others? It's like walking through mud at first, and once you really start to honestly catch yourself, it is astounding how often it actually happens.

But each time, I made a new connection. I told myself, "I am not going to lie, because I want to respect myself, and I want to respect others." Over and over and over and over. And after a while, it starts to be the new message. It just does. I still get the urge to avoid the truth sometimes, because I'm human and that's how we operate. But it is no longer "a way of life", and it no longer my "go to response". In fact, my "go to" now is to think of my integrity before my ass. It gets protected first. And I sleep better at night. I feel so much better about myself. It has opened doors for our work in R. And my life is not so miserable (2020 aside).

Patience.

Determination.

Humility.

Empathy.

Vulnerability.

Authenticity.

These are the tools you will need to succeed.

Thank you for the responses I know there is no switch or easy way to heal and become a better person. I just feel very overwhelmed with life right now and I really want to make sure that I can still show her that even though things are tough I can still put her healing ahead of everything and stay on course. Of course this is not always going to be possible, and I just want to have some key behaviors in place that can become automatic over time so that no matter what is going on im always doing something to better myself and help her go through the emotional trauma.

I can still put her healing ahead of everything

Just a quick note, as this stood out to me. The best possible way to help her healing is to work on your own. Think of her as a can of gasoline, and you as a lit match. Until you stop being a lit match, you remain a risk to her, and attempting to get closer to her really only makes things more dangerous, not less. I struggled with this greatly in my own relationship, and it caused my wife unreal amounts of EXTRA, not less, pain. That is why I am bringing it up for you. I just wish I had understood this sooner.

Becoming a safer, more authentic and vulnerable person represents the best possible outcome for everyone involved, regardless of R or D. There will be gaines and losses along the way, just remain dedicated, and I'm sure you will get there. Stay strong.

I think i just phrased that wrong. I do like your analogy of the match and can of gas, as that really shows exactly how things are. I know that working on myself is helping her heal, but I also know that showing her that I am doing things to get to the core of myself and my issues gives her a safe feeling. I have always had a lot of issues conveying my feelings as I had no good outlet when i was a kid, and then during my military career, so when i eventually got into a relationship with my wife I was very under prepared :(