SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It has taken a while for me to work up the courage to write out and post what I’ve done. I’m ashamed of my actions and for hurting my wife.

A little background and to explain the mad hatter aspect of our marriage... in my adult dating life I have a long history of being cheated on. Most notable was a live in gf. She cheated and subsequently got pregnant we paternity tested and it devastated me. I wasn’t the father and I struggled but moved on from her. The next girl I met was my wife. We dated for about a year then we got engaged and a month or so later found out she was pregnant.

We married the next year just before DS1 was born. A few years later we were pregnant with DS2. Late one night During second pregnancy W tearfully confessed that around the time of our engagement and conception of our first son she had a ONS with a coworker.

I started experiencing some pretty severe ptsd. Paired with going though a paternity test for a second time, this time with a boy I had raised for almost 2 years, it was a rough experience. Thankfully DS1 was mine biologically. We went to counseling (mostly her going to IC) and worked on our marriage. We have grown through it and been very happy since that middle of the night confession 4 years ago.

Just after COVID hit last year I started posting explicit pictures of myself anonymously (no face in any pics) on a well known site. Purely selfish motivations on my part. I cannot blame it on my W at all. I just craved external validation and in turn enjoyed the attention I got from my posts. It started with just me posting and people commenting on the pics for a week or two. Then some of the female explicit posters from the website started to get in contact with me and we ended up exchanging explicit pics and videos (never shared my face or real name) along with dirty talk/sexting. After about a week of that I quit cold turkey. I deleted all my accounts and those apps involved off my phone.

I told myself I was done and I would never do it again and I didn’t... until early this year. Essentially the exact same scenario panned out. Anonymous posts, again fueled by a purely selfish need for external validation, led to direct contact with female posters led to more pic/ video exchanges and sexting. The second time around was much more accelerated from the first post to deleting of online profile, Snapchat, including all contact with other women was just over a week in duration.

I’m at the point now where I know I need to confess to my W what I have done. While there is no good time to confess she, right now, is in the height of her stressful time of the year at work. I know the earlier confession the better but in 3 or 4 weeks she will have considerably more free time to process and make her decisions with out the extreme stress of work.

To clarify some of the gritty details there was never any emotional connection in any interaction. Never gave personal information. Vast majority of interpersonal communication was through Snapchat which automatically deletes chats and pics/videos. Accounts on the website with my posts were immediately deleted and cleared off. I deleted them at the end of each time in an effort to control the temptation to pick back up with posting. There was never physical contact with any of them nor has there been with anyone else since before my W and I started dating.

It’s hard for me to look back at all the times I’ve been cheated on and the immense heart break it caused me and realize that I have chosen to become that person and even worse that person in my marriage.

I’ve lurked on this website for a little while now. I haven’t read much in the way of online sexual affairs. I’m not sure what else I can do to specifically prepare for confession in this regard. I have started working on a timeline much more specific and detailed than what I have outlined here.

[This message edited by Bs2ws at 11:54 AM, May 1st (Saturday)]

Laying all that out there isn't easy.

You explained your situation without blaming your wife. That's an excellent start. You must continue to own YOUR actions. That's going to get harder once you come clean to her. When the conversation gets hard, do not blameshift.

My suggestion would be to write up a very very detailed timeline before hand. That way you'll be less likely to omit anything. Say things as matter of fact as possible. Do not minimize.

I deleted them at the end of each time in an effort to control the temptation to pick back up with posting.

I'm going to challenge this. You didn't delete as a way to protect your own ass? To minimize risk of being caught? Think long and hard about saying it was a way to stop temptation. Your BS will probably see right through that.

Coming clean....there will always be an excuse to avoid doing the hard thing. So once your wife's work load lessens, what will your reasoning for waiting be? I'm not saying timing isn't important, just don't continue to wait.

Thanks for your response. I’ve been on the receiving end of the blame shift I will not do that to my W.

I'm going to challenge this. You didn't delete as a way to protect your own ass? To minimize risk of being caught? Think long and hard about saying it was a way to stop temptation. Your BS will probably see right through that.

In all honesty I covered my ass a lot I won’t lie but all risk mitigation was all done through Snapchat. I’m positive that app was designed specifically for illicit activities.

I learned my first time around that I would wake up one day and say I’m done no more. But the next day still knowing the username and password to the profile on the website I could just log in and continue on. Deleting the profile each time created a substantial hurdle with new account creation and re verification processes. It was the nail on the coffin both times.

Though it’s not gonna be awesome admitting I needed extra hurdles to stop doing something that’s clearly immoral and damaging to my W and marriage.

I think telling my W about what I’ve done is the only path ahead for me. I honestly have wanted to confess for a few weeks but waiting for now seems like the best option. I see your point though, there is no shortage of excuses to postpone and delay because it is my ass on the line so to speak but she has to know what I’ve brought into the marriage.

I’m positive that app was designed specifically for illicit activities.

I'm sorry I'm pushing back a bunch right away, but....this sounds like blame shifting. It's an app, a tool. Not mind control. YOU chose to continue using the tool.

Changing passwords didn't work did it? Not really a substantial hurdle after all. You need to address why YOU gave yourself permission to cheat. Otherwise another app, or website, or IRL affair situation is likely to occur.

First things first.

Full disclosure is a must.

Give her access to everything. Cellphone, computer, emails, apps.

Get this book: How to help your spouse heal from your affair by Linda Macdonald. As madhatter this book could help both of you.

I'd also suggest finding a therapist if you aren't already. Someone familiar with betrayal trauma.

Also I'm sorry for the betrayals you've endured. Odds are you still have plenty of baggage that needs to be dealt with about them. But for now, do your best to focus on your actions.

WS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:52 PM, May 1st (Saturday)]

I’ve lurked on this website for a little while now. I haven’t read much in the way of online sexual affairs. I’m not sure what else I can do to specifically prepare for confession in this regard.

To a large extent, betrayal is betrayal, especially on D-Day. The fact that it happened online mitigates some risk factors (no chance of pregnancy or STDs), but your BW will experience most of the same emotions as any other BS: pain, fear, anger, disbelief that she could have so misjudged you, suspicion that you're not telling the full truth, bewilderment about what to do next. Being a madhatter will further complicate matters, adding guilt and defensiveness into the mix.

There is, however, some good news. Voluntary confessions are rare. Full confessions on D-Day are rarer still. I can't tell you how many divorces on this site came about not because the WS cheated, but because they couldn't stop lying. If you tell her the full truth, compose a comprehensive and accurate timeline, get yourself into IC, and give your BW the agency to make informed choices, you will be ahead of 99% of newly arrived WS on this site. You'll certainly be miles ahead of me. You're on the right path here, so stick to it.

Again I appreciate your responses, thank you.

I'm sorry I'm pushing back a bunch right away, but....this sounds like blame shifting. It's an app, a tool. Not mind control. YOU chose to continue using the tool

No need to apologize. I’m here willingly and expect some push back. Because of your push back I am also realizing how important it will be for me to choose my words carefully. I in no way mean to imply nor do I believe that either Snapchat or the other site are responsible for my decisions. I actually was trying to highlight the fact that I specifically chose to use Snapchat to cover my ass because it was designed to be used for messages/pics/videos you want to be temporary.

We actually already have an open phone policy and have all of our passwords available to each other. I’m very tech savvy more so than my W so knowing how to hide my infidelities despite the open access was another way I covered my ass. Id be more than willing to let her install trackers on my phone to keep be able to keep an eye on my app downloads and internet use. That could be a major tool to help our recovery and earning back the trust if she lets me.

Counseling is absolutely needed obviously something inside me has led me to do this twice. I have no idea what it is but I’ll have to work that out with a counselor. So I can be a safe spouse again.

Voluntary confessions are rare. Full confessions on D-Day are rarer still.

This is what helped me tremendously when she confessed her infidelity. I would have never known but she did it of her own volition and as far as I know gave me the whole truth. I will be doing the same for her.

Hi there,

We are madhatters too. I had a 2 month EA/PA, and about 18 months later, H started an affair of his own that went on for another 18 months.

In my case, I put myself in counseling when the affair ended, and after I had gathered my thoughts, I also confessed on my own. I would maybe make an IC appointment to start.

It's not uncommon for a WS to take built up resentment and fuel their own affair. I didn't even know I was carrying around the resentment. And, that's not his fault, its mine. The resentment belonged to me. In our case, it was even worse than that. My resentment was over constructs that I put in place.

Anyway, I said all that just to give you a basis from where I post.

The other thing here is what you are describing is really addictive behavior. I am not saying sex addict or something that strong. Just often, the cheating starts out of a depression, but the cheating also creates a lot of dopamine and other happy chemicals that help us mask the depression.

You see it often in people who have affairs, they can't seem to go NC with the AP, or when they do they often find themselves hitting rock bottom on their depression. They have added so much more to be depressed about - including withdrawal symptoms. You flooded your brain with feel good chemicals, and not having those make things look bleaker than ever.

Go to IC, confess, work on yourself and your self awareness.