SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sorry for taking this down. Just had a selfish/emotional day.

[This message edited by Rebuilding1218 at 8:02 AM, May 14th (Friday)]

...I get really nervous about her being alone and drinking at the beach/bars. She is very attractive and friendly... My marriage counselor said I better shut up about the jealousy stuff cause it makes my wife mad and might incline her to see other men... I have considered gps tracking her, but I know that will get me in a deeper hole....

Look at all of these above. And then consider this.

I betrayed my wife for 8 years with online casual sex meetups.

You need to get some perspective on the fact that you have done remarkably destructive things. I’m glad you’re recognizing some of this as a pattern that resembles “acting out,” but curious if you’re in a formal program of some sort. If not, then this comes across as a way to minimize from the words “betraying marriage vows.” I think it’s worth pursuing if not, but not a “diagnosis” since I’m both a stranger and a forum poster vs a credentialed provider of any sort.

I was at my darkest place, not sleeping, suicidal thoughts before the faithfulness commitment. I couldn't take it anymore and we started planning divorce and attorney meetings. That is when she made the commitment to faithfulness. I was not manipulating her, but I could not stay in the current situation.

Just ponder the fact that, after 8 years of betrayal, you are demanding she promise to be faithful to you. Did you phrase this in this manner to her? If someone were to say to you “I’ll kill myself if you don’t do X,” would you feel like you had a choice? Do you believe your betrayed wife deserves a choice?

My advice overall- Recognize that you have done perhaps the most destructive thing you could to your family- No mention of kids...(?) As such, you need to recognize that her actions might not be predictable or understandable. And that’s fine. There’s little you’re owed here.

What YOU owe yourself, however- Commitment to be a better man. If that’s a person who pursues casual sex, then by all means let your BW go to live a life free of your expectations.

If you want to remain married, is it worth your time to consider what your wife does right now as she tries to piece together if you’ve ever told her the truth about anything in your shared past?

Your past and future are governed by decisions. You’ve made some bad ones. Those may have significantly impacted her ability to make decisions. She may have already made bad decisions. That history is indecipherable here and not worth our consideration as strangers and amateurs. We’re here to encourage people to improve their lives. From me, that means considering what you have done and how you brought yourself to that point. Give your BW a break from the pressure and blame, she’s recovering from a massive trauma. Look at what you do day to day, and really ask yourself if your actions are consistent with who you know yourself to be.

It’s time for change. We’re here to help. Saddle up.

You should probably consider the immense trauma you've put on her shoulders by doing what you did, and you should be totally openminded to the consequences of that trauma.

146 days is NOTHING. She is in the beginning stages of being the new person that you've made her be. Unfortunately, people react to stress, anxiety, hurt, and anger differently, and she's going to do what she wants to do. It doesn't make it right, but you are not in a position to be judgmental or sanctimonious about it. Not aloud, anyway.

I have had moments of extreme jealousy, some vaguely justified, most not. And there is NOTHING to do about it. It is the residue of your chosen actions. Sounds harsh, but in my experience it is absolutely true.

Be your best self for her if you want her, with chin up and courage. That will mean more to her than you whining.

You are both 100% right and all of that makes a lot of sense. Logically I know all of this. Really hard to keep my emotions in check today.

Really hard to keep my emotions in check today.

Like what? You need to be specific.

Much like the “acting out” comments, the “I’m emotional” phrase has become a common hallmark of entitlement. I believe that you are reeling and feeling very intense feelings.

But you need to recognize that your feelings DO NOT, and CAN NOT, control you. Most of our emotions are evolutionary “residue,” preservation instincts that, when adapted to contemporary living, lead to confusion and mis-application.

The more honest you are with yourself, the more you stop and examine these phantom emotions, the better you will recognize that they’re deceptive.

Keep talking!

Rebuilding1218

Welcome to SI. I see that you noted a few times that this is your fault, and I am sure that you are in a lot of pain, and unsure of how to feel or what to do. However, your accountability and empathy are non-existent at this point. You said that you cheated on your wife for 8 years straight, with multiple people and encounters. Everything in this post is about YOU however, about what she is or isn't doing to make things better for you, whether or not you are in your own bed, being made part of her life, being made the object of her affections... honestly, if you had left the first sentence out of this post I probably would have assumed that you were the BS she was the cheater! (I realize she had an RA of some kind, but it also seems that her RA never would have occurred had you not betrayed and lied to her for 8 years straight first).

I think the first thing you need to come to grips with is who you are in this situation, what you did, and who is owed what. She's not the bad guy here. She doesn't owe you anything. I'm terribly sorry to hear that things in the marriage weren't what you needed them to be before this. It sounds like you both have some issues with alcohol, and with intimacy. When those things occur in a marriage, we have choices. We can talk to our spouses. We can ask for counseling. We can demand better. We can decide to leave. We can decide to stay. We can ask for an open marriage. And doing any one or more of those things would have left you with your dignity intact, and hers as well.

The truth is however, that nothing she did, nothing about the marriage or the drinking or the sex or anything else, "caused" you to cheat. Unless someone put a gun to your head and forced you to cheat, then it was a decision you made, and an action you took. You own it, 100%, because it was your decision to do so, and it was made without her knowledge or consent.

Imagine walking down the street one day when a man jumps out of the shadows, beats you nearly half to death, and then steals your wallet. As you lie there bleeding, blindsided, in pain, confused, robbed and near death... the man starts to tell you how much his hand is hurting from beating you so much, and he's very angry with you about it. He says he took the bus here and asks if you can drive him home, and when you tell him to F off, he says he doesn't understand why you are holding on to so much hatred when he clearly isn't beating you up anymore, so why are you still so mad? You get up to walk to the hospital and he stops you and asks, "Where are you going? You're gonna go mug someone else without me, right? Yeah, seems like something you'd do. Don't expect me to not retailiate."

Your story sounds similar to that. I don't understand why you feel she should take you back, or show you any kind of love or intimacy? Let me ask you this... what's changed about you since the affair? How are you different now than you were during the past 8 years when you lied to and betrayed her? How are you safer? How can she be sure you won't cheat again? What have you done to make up for what you did? What have you done to earn feelings of romance or even forgiveness from her?

I don't ask/say these things to be mean to you. I'm a WS too, everyone in this forum is, so we've all been in your shoes at some point. This is not a judgment of you, it is an observation. I want you to start to really see yourself, not through all the lies and excuses and justifications that you told yourself in order to feel better about having an affair, but to see the real you, the guy who hurt his wife and is now mad at her for not forgiving him on terms that are convenient to him.

If I can offer any advice at all, I'd suggest seeing an IC instead of (or in addition to) MC at this point. You are just not emotionally and mentally at a healthy point right now. Until you can start to see yourself, you won't be able to see her. And until you change, and give her reasons to even think about forgiving you for what you did, you need to understand it, and come to a place of remorse and contrition. Stop expecting her to forgive you without a reason to do so. That only happens on TV and in the movies. In real life, people who cheat, suffer consequences for their actions. It's not a punishment, it is how life works.

Can you give us more information on the status of the agreement between you and your BW as far as seeing other people? You said you were separated, but also that you "caught" your wife in an EA. Had she informed you that she felt free to connect with people outside the marriage romantically/sexually? Or was she hiding it from you? When you say that she's now committed to fidelity during MC, does that mean that she previously told you she wasn't, in response to your cheating?

I read in one of your early posts that she said if she had to choose R or D immediately, it would be D. I'm trying to figure out whether I'm responding to the circumstances of a formal separation or an RA.

I am sorry you are hurting. These days do come and how you emerge from them eventually will form a new picture of who you are. We all backslide in our thoughts and actions even with our best intentions on our quest forward. Analyze it. Learn from it. And, it's okay in the future to leave it up and then talk about the ways your thoughts evolve from that dark place. We have all been there and done that, just don't stay there. Don't reside there. And, don't fear what we have to say, it will help you to see new perspectives you don't have because we are all in our own closed feedback loop sometimes.