A while back we had a thread that was a bit like a stream of consciousness where waywards could post, and respond to each other. We talked of things such as our biggest regrets, etc.
Can we revive that a bit?
I remember one of my biggest regrets being the realization that I hurt so many people with my selfish actions. I was too self centered to recognize the path of destruction I was leaving in my wake.
3 years out that hasn't changed, but I've come to realize I've spent the last 3 years convincing myself that accepting the behaviors that lead to my original resentments was the only way my remorse would be fully believed.
Tonight I broke down. I cried, I explained my feelings of being used, feeling like nothing more than a vessel, and in a way that he was actually able to understand.
I was able to articulate exactly how I've known whether his porn addiction was under control, or not, for the last 11 years. I was able to explain how that hasn't changed since he became a BS, and relate the feelings of inadequacy in a way he could understand.
It was scary to be vulnerable, but even scarier to find it in myself to speak up that this is not what a marriage should be. I've felt for the last 3 years that I haven't had a right to express some of those hurts. I guess I've felt like I deserved the punishment of "not being enough."
Porn addiction is a very real thing. It can be detrimental to connection, relationships, and it's not just that the non porn-addicted spouse is insecure/controlling.
Tonight I found it in myself to fully believe I am a person worthy of being loved, and I found the voice to express my hurt. I admitted the pain I've felt for the last 10 years, and I explained in detail how I know when he's off the wagon (in explicit detail with the differences of his actions and abilities during intimacy). Tonight, for the first time in ten years, I think he actually heard me.
I've worked on my whys, my hows, and becoming safe incessantly for the last 3 years. I was given the gift of R, and I was determined to fix myself. My goal has always been to become the woman I could be confident in when I looked in the mirror. I don't know if it makes sense because he has felt I was R worthy (that we were in R) for well over a year, but tonight...tonight felt (to me) like the biggest step we've taken together towards a true,successful reconciliation. So raw, and just so very real.
Did any of you have a "ah ha" moment, or something similar where your healing process just seemed to click?
