SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Background

Please view my post in "Just Found Out" for more info regarding the background/lead-up to divorce. I just don't feel like typing it all out again :(

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/653947/pretty-certain-my--28m--wife-27f--is-having-an-emotional-affair/?AP=1&HL=78991

__________________

Anyway.

Status as of right now? The initial divorce filing has been served; just hashing out some portions of the separation agreement now. It won't take long to finalize. I have resigned from my current role and accepted a really great position at the top law firm in a city about thirty minutes from where I grew up. I will be moving back there (across the country from where I am now) on August 6 and starting the new job shortly thereafter.

Because of how fast this all happened, I'll initially be staying with my parents while I get settled with the new job, and figure out my own housing situation. But I am looking forward to living nearby my family (my parents, two siblings) who I am very close with. I also have lots of good friends out there who I haven't seen very much since I moved away about 6-7 years ago and am looking forward to spending more time with.

Given how fast all this is happening and I'm not certain exactly where I'll end up living - at least not for probably a month or two - I had to make a lot of quick decisions. My initial thoughts were to spend the next two weeks packing up my stuff and then load boxes and furniture into one of those POD things (for storage and moving). That way I could just have it shipped to the new location and stored while I figure out exactly where I will be living after staying with my parents for a bit. That way I could just drive myself out there, with my essentials in the car, and kinda turn it into a fun road trip to cool off with. Not having to worry about a trailer or a moving truck or anything - I could just stop by and go see some MLB games at various ballparks, hit up some cool craft breweries, or maybe see some new sights in states I've not visited before.

But, at the same time, I have to acknowledge that I am struggling right now. This shit is hard. I have good days; I have lots of bad days. I am trying to stay strong, but it is so difficult. I am doing my best 180 and grey rock; not helping out around the house at all; and just trying to take care of myself as much as possible.

Even though I've made this decision, and feel good about it, and feel like it's the right choice - I am still so scared and nervous. It's like I am packing up my whole life from the last 6 years and just flinging it away. It makes me feel badly that I am moving back in with my parents and I'm almost 30. Even knowing it is only temporary still makes feel like I'm just kinda...losing it. Returning to my hometown area makes me feel like I'm taking a step backwards. Like, I moved out, got my law degree, got married...it all felt like I was forging my own path and now? I'm just retracing my steps. It's hard to feel confident and strong in my decisions now and going forward when I feel like I've lost ground.

I have zero motivation to pack or move furniture. I've packed a few boxes of books and winter clothes and stuff. But the more I look at it and the more I see all the other stuff I have, the more I'm just like: "Do I really need or want any of this?" Plus, the POD thing seems like a great idea, but it's going to end up being crazy expensive at a time when I'm going to be straining a little financially until things stabilize a bit more.

I almost would rather just fucking leave it all. Just pack my Civic with my clothes, my essentials; maybe rent a small trailer or something if I need a little extra space; and then just get the hell outta town. Do my little road-trip and get some "me time". And then not look back.

I don't really want most of the furniture we have anyway. It's going to remind me of her and of getting it with her and stuff... I thought about some of it (like the grill, the bar cart I have that I really like, my home office desk)...but ultimately, I'm not going to be able to even use any of that for a few months anyway, given that I don't even have my own place yet and don't know for sure when or where that will be. And when I do figure that out, then I could just buy new stuff myself!

But then my brain flip-flops and thinks, "You're still being WEAK! You're giving her EVERYTHING! Take it all! Take everything! GET OVER IT."

Ugh. This is all so HARD. It messes with your head in so many different and surprising ways. I know I need to do what's best for me - but like...navigating all these little nuanced details and making the tiny "every day" decisions that comes with a divorce AND a big move AND a job change...man it is just a lot and it is hard to deal with and figure things out.

it's just...so much change, happening so fast and all at the same time. I feel like it hasn't really "hit" me yet. I feel so emotionally drained. I mean, I'm sad, I'm scared, I'm hurt, I'm angry, I'm frustrated, I'm nervous, I'm excited...it all sucks. I feel like I haven't yet had that big "release" emotionally...

Even though I've made this decision, and feel good about it, and feel like it's the right choice - I am still so scared and nervous. It's like I am packing up my whole life from the last 6 years and just flinging it away. It makes me feel badly that I am moving back in with my parents and I'm almost 30. Even knowing it is only temporary still makes feel like I'm just kinda...losing it. Returning to my hometown area makes me feel like I'm taking a step backwards. Like, I moved out, got my law degree, got married...it all felt like I was forging my own path and now? I'm just retracing my steps. It's hard to feel confident and strong in my decisions now and going forward when I feel like I've lost ground.

This is entirely a glass half full or half empty situation. It's all about your perspective. You're flinging it away OR you're closing one chapter of your life and opening a new one. You're retracting steps OR you're prioritizing your family and your health for a bit. If you had experienced some other form of trauma (car accident, crime, shooting, etc.) no one would fault you for needing some help and to regroup with your family for a bit.

Understandably, you're still reeling a little. You're still dealing with the emotional lows from DDay which means that you're brain is going to hyper focus on the negatives sometimes. You said it yourself - you accepted a great job at a top law firm. That's a big opportunity and it sounds like it may open more doors than your previous position. Logically speaking, in what shape or form is a career advancement a set back just because it's located near a place you lived previously? What sense does that make? It doesn't so when you start to ruminate, do yourself a favor and tell your brain to shut it. Play devil's advocate to those thoughts and shut them down. It will help your transition and lessen those emotional ditches.

But then my brain flip-flops and thinks, "You're still being WEAK! You're giving her EVERYTHING! Take it all! Take everything! GET OVER IT."

OR you can welcome her to live with daily reminders of what a great life she had with you that she threw away. It will sting every time things with Mark aren't going so great. You sure as hell don't need to shell out money to pay for those reminders.

Edit: You will always be your own worst critic. Outside of that, there is no moral authority sitting around and judging you for making smart, cost effective, and good decisions for yourself. Let that inner critic go.

[This message edited by nekonamida at 5:53 PM, July 21st (Wednesday)]

I agree with Neko.

FWIW, as much as it may suck to be throwing away 6 years, you can also view this as a "Thank God I'm not throwing away THIRTY years"... IOW, your WS may have done you a favor by learning now (vs 20 years from now) that she's a cheater. You are embarking on a new life, which is always hard. So what if you have to camp at your parents' for awhile - you are creating a new life and you have parents with whom you can camp (bonus if you'll get home cooked meals!)

As for your "stuff", I'm also with Neko. Switch the thinking from what your STBX will "get" to what YOU will start and renew. If you LOVE the bar cart, then take it and find a new home for it. Maybe some Marie Kondo could be helpful in deciding what you want to take -or not.

I dunno how healthy it would be, but there's always the option of "taking" what you want and just selling it or giving it to someone else.

I wouldn't ship across country for sure. It's a good time to prune your belongings. How about an impromptu garage sale? If stuff doesn't sell free to a good home at the end of the day. Ideally you should be able to fit what you have to keep into the car.

You are going to have such an amazing life ahead of you. You got out relatively young, no kids/no ongoing ties. This was my situation, too. It super sucks right now, but you will get through this, someday be with a quality partner (if you wish) and be grateful that you were able to avoid a lifetime with someone who would do something like this to you. I started the Fear vs Reality thread because I had so many fears, but my reality was so much more amazing than I thought it could be. Read that thread - it's almost universal that everyone's post-cheater life wound up being much better than we feared. And it just keeps getting better!!!

Try not to be hard on yourself. You've been through trauma. My D-Day was right in the midst of college basketball season, and I have tickets with my dad for the local team. I remember sitting in the stands feeling like my head was filled with cotton, unable to follow what was happening in this game that I'd loved for 30 years. If you feel like going to stadiums, go, but don't be surprised if all of a sudden 4 runs have scored and you have no idea how. In time, you will heal and find so much enjoyment in life.

Had my parents lived close enough to my new job, I'd totally have moved in with them. It gives you time to find the right living situation for you. It gives you time to be enveloped in the love and presence of people who care for you. It helps you heal.

I'm really glad you're feeling all the feelings. This will help you process and craft the life you always should have been living. Keep posting here - great group of supportive people; not sure I would have navigated my divorce and reentry to the world as a single person quite so well without this group.

It is certainly normal when in this abnormal stage to be overwhelmed and flip-flopping a bit.

It makes me feel badly that I am moving back in with my parents...Returning to my hometown area makes me feel like I'm taking a step backwards.

Try to reframe your mindset on some of the issues like the one above. Can you try to think of it as going into a warm, safe space while you heal and figure out your next steps?

Cross country moves certainly can be expensive. Replacing things you really want can be expensive, but they can generally be replaced. I considered hiring an estate sale company (once I found out you didn't have to die first ) I found someone willing to help me sell some large items on FB marketplace. And I found a charity that supported a cause I believed in, they were willing to collect my donations. I paid a guy $100 bucks to haul really old, broken junk to the dump.

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time!

Good job!
Just pack the things you need right now and if you have time take those things that might matter. It will get better by the day and eventually, after you moved out, just establish full NC and it will let you heal up faster.

One day at a time!
All the best!

It’s a great time to purge. Out with the old in with the new.

Change is always hard. You are getting out of infidelity. That’s a great thing.

[This message edited by Marz at 2:45 AM, July 22nd (Thursday)]

Have you thought about purchasing an inexpensive roof cargo carrier to put some items in?

We traveled in between homes for years, and the carrier was a life saver bc it held so much stuff. Strap it down and bungee cord the heck out of it!

Please don't feel bad about moving in with your parents temporarily. I have three sons close to your age and one moved in for six months because his neighbors across the hall were crazy drug addicts, another during Covid when his job got very very slow. As parents, we were happy to help.

Once you move and begin your new job, your outlook will change. It's hard, very hard. Any change is difficult.

Take your time on your trip and enjoy some sites. It will give you time to relax and enjoy life again just a bit.

Have you thought about purchasing an inexpensive roof cargo carrier to put some items in?

We traveled in between homes for years, and the carrier was a life saver bc it held so much stuff. Strap it down and bungee cord the heck out of it!

Please don't feel bad about moving in with your parents temporarily. I have three sons close to your age and one moved in for six months because his neighbors across the hall were crazy drug addicts, another during Covid when his job got very very slow. As parents, we were happy to help.

Once you move and begin your new job, your outlook will change. It's hard, very hard. Any change is difficult.

Take your time on your trip and enjoy some sites. It will give you time to relax and enjoy life again just a bit.

It makes me feel badly that I am moving back in with my parents and I'm almost 30. Even knowing it is only temporary still makes feel like I'm just kinda...losing it. Returning to my hometown area makes me feel like I'm taking a step backwards.

The only thing that can be measured forward or backward here is the steps in the career field, and you have taken a big step forward in that field.

Wouldn't it feel good to be close to your family? Then why would that be a step back, or who cares? Marriage is not a step forward socially, it's just a change of position. I'm 45 years old and have never been married, I didn't even feel close to getting married. That wouldn't have driven me socially forward. Even if I got married and divorced, I would not be considered gone forth and back. A selfish bitch's choices don't determine my social status.

You just did things that you thought would make you happy and she wasn't the one to give it to you. And you keep moving "forward" without her. Had her presence continued, it would have kept you from moving forward. Maybe you wouldn't accept this job, maybe you would stay away from your family and friends. Do you think that life was beautiful, was getting away from them a step forward?

Maybe you are questioning how she could do this to you because it is so new, but in the future you will see more clearly how this is a marriage that should not be. It's just the beginning of marriage and it's all about her depression and cheating. It's lucky you were able to get away from this so early. There are also those who have been betrayed after being married for over 40 years and their lives turned upside down.

But then my brain flip-flops and thinks, "You're still being WEAK! You're giving her EVERYTHING! Take it all! Take everything! GET OVER IT."

Just do what's best for you. You don't need to do anything for her sake, and you don't have to have the slightest sympathy for her. Just be civil (don't be violent verbally and physically) but not friends. You can take everything that belongs to you, also you can give them as a gift to those who want, or you can throw them away.

You can leave them to her if you want, but you should make her understand that you didn't do it because you thought of her but you don't want anything about her. (By the way, I wouldn't leave anything that was mine for Mark to use.)

I think you should pack your things and get away from there as soon as possible with the motivation to get rid of her. If possible, without saying goodbye to her and not even telling the time. After that, you should block her in all areas including phone, only communicate via e-mail.

Don't worry, these days will pass. It'll just be a moment in the future when you'll be glad it ended this way.

[This message edited by guvensiz at 5:42 AM, July 22nd (Thursday)]

Could you take a mini vaca and stay with your folks, visit friends, explore the area, visit the new job site, consider the different housing options? Some times it's the unknown that make it difficult. You know it's a better job and more supportive community a great stepping stone.... but your stuck at home, stuck with your past stuff...

My advice would be to take as long a break as you can - two week or a few days... in the new area with supportive friends and family. Don't think of it as a step down... do you know how lucky you are to have this group? People you can turn to? IRL people that would love to help? Let them. It will be good for you and for them. You aren't weak, you a good person that has family and friends that love and support him. Take advantage of that.

I think you will have a new outlook on the situation when you come back. A new grasp on what's important enough for you to take and what would be better off left. You have time. No need to pack up the POD right now.

Good luck

Well I'm not a saver, or keeper of things, so I say F it. Let her have it.

You are the prize here. You are getting out with your sanity, and a good new life.

Don't worry about staying with your folks for a short period. Hell I lived with my H's mom and stepdad, and my parents each for 3 months when we had a cross country move, and built our own home, when we returned home. I did it with a newborn, and a toddler. It was a means to an end. No one judges that, and if they do, F them too.

Embrace this. I love the idea of seeing a few MLB games and stadiums too.

Six years may seem a long time to you but, believe me, it isn't from my perspective of 72 years. You will look back one day in the not too distant future and thank your lucky stars that you got away from your WW relatively unscathed. You are young, have a great job, and a very bright future.

You will find a worthy partner one day. Be patient and careful. Stay away from narcissists and insecure women and you will do just fine. You will heal. Good luck to you.

Understandably, you're still reeling a little. You're still dealing with the emotional lows from DDay which means that you're brain is going to hyper focus on the negatives sometimes. You said it yourself - you accepted a great job at a top law firm. That's a big opportunity and it sounds like it may open more doors than your previous position. Logically speaking, in what shape or form is a career advancement a set back just because it's located near a place you lived previously? What sense does that make? It doesn't so when you start to ruminate, do yourself a favor and tell your brain to shut it. Play devil's advocate to those thoughts and shut them down. It will help your transition and lessen those emotional ditches.

Thank you for this advice. Playing devil's advocate to my shitty thoughts is a great thought technology for me to try to implement!

OR you can welcome her to live with daily reminders of what a great life she had with you that she threw away. It will sting every time things with Mark aren't going so great. You sure as hell don't need to shell out money to pay for those reminders.

This is also great. Nothing in the house right now is really "mine" except the bar cart, some TVs, and little doo-dads. Everything else (beds, couches, bookshelves, desks, tables)...it's all stuff we bought together or collected together. I'd almost rather not have the reminders of all this heartbreak. Maybe it would be better to just leave the majority of it and let her deal with it how she wants.

@gmc94:

You are embarking on a new life, which is always hard. So what if you have to camp at your parents' for awhile - you are creating a new life and you have parents with whom you can camp (bonus if you'll get home cooked meals!)

Thank you for this support and encouragement. I am looking forward to some good home meals, and to being around a bunch of restaurants I grew up near that I haven't visited for a long time! Plus, lots of outdoor activities with my sister and hopefully making strong new friendships.

@phmh:

I'm really glad you're feeling all the feelings. This will help you process and craft the life you always should have been living. Keep posting here - great group of supportive people; not sure I would have navigated my divorce and reentry to the world as a single person quite so well without this group.

This group has been incredible. My face lights up every time i get an email that someone has posted a reply to me.

I thank you for encouraging me to view this "change" as a positive overall. It really is. I know it sucks and is hard and that the hard days will continue - but overall, it is a net positive.

I will review your Fear vs. Reality thread again. I remember seeing it early on and it was helpful - it probably will be even moreso now.

@Ratpicker:

Try to reframe your mindset on some of the issues like the one above. Can you try to think of it as going into a warm, safe space while you heal and figure out your next steps?

This. I will keep trying to do this. I am not running away; I am taking shelter while I figure out the best path forward for me.

Cross country moves certainly can be expensive. Replacing things you really want can be expensive, but they can generally be replaced.

This is true. And giving myself some breathing room would allow me to save some money to replenish my furniture and things and get all new stuff in my own place, that I want and love! (And that doesn't remind me of her).

That said: The flip-flopping emotions I am experiencing multiple times, every day absolutely suck and I think that is what is causing me so much distress. It is hard to isolate my thoughts and resolve my anxiety or stress...and it's also hard to isolate my happy thoughts and focus in on them.

@annb

Have you thought about purchasing an inexpensive roof cargo carrier to put some items in?

We traveled in between homes for years, and the carrier was a life saver bc it held so much stuff. Strap it down and bungee cord the heck out of it!

Please don't feel bad about moving in with your parents temporarily. I have three sons close to your age and one moved in for six months because his neighbors across the hall were crazy drug addicts, another during Covid when his job got very very slow. As parents, we were happy to help.

Once you move and begin your new job, your outlook will change. It's hard, very hard. Any change is difficult.

Take your time on your trip and enjoy some sites. It will give you time to relax and enjoy life again just a bit.

I'll look into the roof carrier. That would at least give me a little extra cargo space - though i probably would still leave behind the majority of the furniture (which ultimately, is ok).

Change is difficult, no matter what. I think what is making this so hard for me right now is that it is just SO MUCH change and it's all happening at the same time. I barely have space to breathe and can't remember the last time I relaxed. I try to take it day by day, but it's like...ok tomorrow I need to do THIS thing for the divorce; THIS thing for wrapping up my job; THIS thing for the move; pack THIS stuff...ugh it's just a lot. And i don't want to feel like I'm giving up on any of it - because I'm stronger than that - but also...I do have my limits...

@guvensiz:

Just do what's best for you

I need to write this on my mirror; put it in my car; on the back of my phone; all over my journal; my computer - everywhere.

I'm definitely a people-pleaser. I'm the type of person that doesn't really open up about my feelings/emotions or what's going on in my life because i don't want to burden others with it. I'm the kind of guy who will do whatever I can to help other people in whatever way possible, even if they don't deserve it. And, as this whole infidelity/divorce thing has taught me, I have been this way to my detriment for a number of years.

I need to work on "putting my mask on first" - to use an airplane analogy. I need to do what is best for me - especially right now - so that I can be stronger and able to help people in even better ways in the future.