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Seriously 😒. 10 years later!!!!! I wonder if anyone could give me insight into why he’s suddenly driving by my house in his brand new vehicle, 3-4 times a week and sometimes throws an empty beer can in my yard. (I got the house in the D, and it’s looks nice!!! I’ve got plants everywhere, new windows and I’m proud of it.)

One evening 3 weeks ago, my sons and I were walking on our street with our new puppy and he and OW/wifetress drove by. They stopped 😱 and talked to our sons, I kept on walking. Then, when they drove past I turned my back on them. (OW wants a fight and I have NEVER spoken to her, bc I’m not going to give her the satisfaction of drama. ) I thought he would feel stupid we were out there and saw him.

I guess not bc he now drives by regularly. Who knows how often when I don’t see him.

He recently moved 1.5 miles away with OW/wiferress, but there are other ways to their house.

So, wise people 1) why is he driving by? 2) would you say some something snarky, like "Hey-thanks for the house!" Or refuse to engage and keep grey rocking them.

(Our sons rarely go to Xh’s bc they said dad/ow fight a lot. But they still go there 2x a month, maybe, and are polite, they leave when the drinking/fighting starts)

Please!! I need thoughts and ideas.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 1:50 PM, Sunday, August 8th]

Grey. Rock.

I am virtually certain that you would be giving this advice to any other poster, so I believe that it is apt for yours.

You know better than anyone how any inflammatory response will affect your ex. Don't feed his fire.

(Our sons rarely go to Xh’s bc they said dad/ow fight a lot. But they still go there 2x a month, maybe, and are polite, they leave when the drinking/fighting starts)

In their dysfunctional way of dealing with themselves, they likely see you as a common enemy that they can gang up on. They won't fight each other as much if they're caught up in fighting you instead. And most likely they blame you for all of their post-D problems.

They're trying to get a reaction out of you. If you get snarky, no matter how tame, they will likely waaay overreact and cause problems for you. You're better off grey rocking them.

Grey rock. Period.

They are bored. Their lives were so much more exciting and sexy when they were sneaking around behind your back. Now they have each other full time, and they are realizing it's not as exciting as they thought it would be. It's just as "boring and ordinary" as when they were in their previous relationships. Unicorn fartland doesn't really exist. It was a fantasy.

If they can get a reaction out of you, they get that sexy sneaky feeling back. Do not give it to them. Let them have each other in all their boring ordinaryness. This is what they fought so hard for. Let them have it, by not reacting at all. Treat them like the boring ass ordinary people they are.

Agreed. Grey rock. It's got to drive them nuts. If you ignore them long enough, hopefully they get bored. But if you respond even one time, you've taught them that if they keep it up long enough, they will get a response from you, and you will only make things worse for yourself in the long run. Incredible to know how much power you have over them after all of these years!

Gray rock makes sense. My first and main suggestion would be to follow that path as long as possible and see if they tire of this immaturity.
However… I would fear that if he’s doing this 10 years after divorce then he won’t stop in a month or so. Even if you ignore him.

What’s going to be clear is that any response from you needs to be really strong and preferably thought a third party. If you are allowed by your local regulations, HOA or whatever then consider setting up a security camera that covers your front lawn. Try to capture them throwing the litter. Don’t act on it – not right away. Instead get at least 3-5 recordings of this being done so you establish a pattern of provocation. Once you have that then contact the police. Make sure that there is something in each recording that ties it in with your ex (vehicle number or type, him visible…).
Don’t bother with him driving by or even stopping to chat with kids. That is all within accepted behavior. Focus on recordings showing behavior that would be considered threatening, insulting or downright illegal (like littering).

Maybe he wants to cheat on his new wife with you and looking to see if there is an opportunity.

I’m just sayin……he’s that delusional!

After 10 years it makes no sense. But I would follow Bigger’s advice. Protect yourself. No contact. None.

If he constantly drives by your place and throws a bunch of objects on your driveway then consider buying a camera to record everything then inform the police.

I'm grey rock, with Bigger's suggestions to protect yourself.

A common enemy is very bonding, in fact (if I remember the research) it's more unifying than a common goal. Two unhappy a$#holes need something to bond over, and now you are it.

So sorry. Irritating, if nothing else. Ignore them.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 7:57 PM, August 8th (Sunday)]

You guys are awesome! Thank you for the responses. It just started in the last couple months. (For the last 9 years they lived 15 miles away, and left us alone. ) They moved closer a couple months ago. I live on a country road with only 2 spaced apart neighbors. There are several other ways to get to their house w/o driving by here.

I never thought that they might be bored, or trying to fight with me instead of each other. Could be though, and trying to get a reaction out of me to take the focus off of their crappy lives could be the case. I see why grey rock is the best route.

I’m going to look into a camera, and if I can get any video of him on it, I’ll def get the sheriff involved.

I think Owningitnow is on the money. XWH shows you as the enemy to OW to deflect some of the anger, I would think.

Best thing you can do is to continue living your best life and ignore those two. Your X is probably remembering how good he had it before. Too bad.

Their problems/issues are not your problem.

It’s really something, but when I used to have to have interactions with xh I appeared very happy and he scowled at me. So, yes I’ll definitely keep living my best life and try to ignore them.

I have honestly seen it before. Two people need something that unifies them when they are frustrated all the time. Then one says, "Oh, I saw blah blah blah today! She thinks she is so this or that!" Hahaha, they laugh. And honestly, these two miserable people start having a good laugh--and getting their anger at the world out--by talking about an oblivious third party. They now have a shared enemy and a place to focus ALL their unhappiness. The really weird thing is that this person has done nothing to them. They are just living their lives.

The people I see do this are at work. Why do they choose the oblivious person who has done nothing? Easy: jealousy. That makes them easy to hate. And that's why your ex and his skank have chosen to focus on you--jealousy and a need for a shared anger outlet in their misersble lives.

BUT!

People who do this are toxic. Nothing about this is healthy. They are angry, avoidant people looking for a scapegoat, and it can turn very dangerous. Do not take this situation lightly. These two freaks can definitely get out of hand and harm you. Protect yourself through:

Notes/journals/documentation with dates

Make notes of witnesses to anything

Take photos of them if you can

Security cameras

And don't walk near their property. Stay away from them.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 1:07 PM, August 9th (Monday)]

In their dysfunctional way of dealing with themselves, they likely see you as a common enemy that they can gang up on. They won't fight each other as much if they're caught up in fighting you instead. And most likely they blame you for all of their post-D problems.

Their lives were so much more exciting and sexy when they were sneaking around behind your back. Now they have each other full time, and they are realizing it's not as exciting as they thought it would be.

These are 💯

Grey Rock, altho in the situation where the approached with car, next time smile a (non snarky) smile & nod. Acknowledge you see them and you don’t care.

Install cameras. He may up the stakes & do more than throw a beer can since what he’s doing currently isn’t working.

If you do install a camera then don’t let one recording suffice if all he does is litter. You want to establish a pattern – want to have 3-5 recordings of the same car/cars or same people doing strange stuff… It’s not the littering that’s the issue – it’s the provocation.

"A common enemy is very bonding, in fact (if I remember the research) it's more unifying than a common goal."

Wow!
This makes a lot of sense.

I have learned throughout my SI experience to both control my emotions and not give fuel to the fire and to also take actions like cameras to protect myself. So I am with Bigger and GMC.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

I agree with grey rock plus get cameras. The Ring doorbell cameras aren't expensive and they work well. What a couple of fucking dorks they are!

Oh my gosh thank you all for your insight on this! I was wondering if they thought I’d be going by their house when they moved so close, and are surprised I never did. (They most likely have a ring doorbell). I thought for sure when I saw them on the road they would have felt stupid and not come around any more.... but they are opposite of normal. She likes to argue/fight, her xh moved on and has a great life now, her son moved in with his Dad, my kids rarely see them, so they are most likely bored. To top it off, my sons and I are really doing great, have a peaceful home. I think they are mad that we’re good over here-probably a combination of everything, plus they need drama and sneaking around.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 5:09 AM, Tuesday, August 10th]

Keep in mind that although it’s the littering that officials might be able to act on, it’s the provocation that should be bothering you. Unfortunately acts such as honking the horn when driving by, driving slowly by and so aren’t illegal per se and there isn’t much a LEO could do with that. Your ex and his hex can justify that by claiming to be looking for the boys or greeting them or whatever.

If you do get a camera – and considering they are dirt-cheap and easy to set up you SHOULD – then collect several acts. Group them into provocation and illegal. The gold-dust is the illegal such as littering. Best case would be to get +3 recordings of the same recognizable vehicle drive past throwing litter or doing some other illegal act. If you have this LEO can act, and the recordings of provocations can be used to make the LEO more favorable and understanding to your problem.