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I worked so hard to create a family. I had fantasies about holidays in the future where our kids, their spouses and their kids would come visit. It would be huge and loud w lots of food.

Why would he destroy that twice?

And why would mil not want us in her family? Why was ow accepted and i wasnt? Mil was almost giddy when wh dumped me in 2010. I don’t understand. Really and truly.

I dont get why they dont like me. I have 2 graduate degrees, come from a nice family. My parents have been very generous to us during our marriage both emotionally and financially.

Why dont they care about the kids? My kids- mil’s grandkids- are all beautiful, smart, nice kids. The oldest is 15 and a senior in high school. She’s a 4 sport athlete and competed and won medals at state competition, and was invited to regionals in 2020, went to camps, etc… kiddo 2 was on deans list, and is involved in local sports and clubs and a cool kid.

And baby 3 is 1 and sweet and smart and cuddley.

Why would you give us away? We are great! I dont get it.

I need an answer.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 11:32 PM, Tuesday, August 10th]

Gotta, you likely won't ever get an answer that will help you sadly. Whatever answer they'd provide would be hollow. Your stbfIL's sound like pit of snakes to me - they don't seem like nice people or like people who care about morality or compassion or anything good.

I get wanting an answer, but them not being equipped to give you one or caring enough to try says way more about them and what horrid people they are than it does about you or your kids.

You are banging your head against the wall trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense. Would it make more sense if you had unattractive children who struggled in school and were not athletic? Would they then be unworthy of love and acceptance? Do you think having degrees makes you more worthy?

My in-laws did not speak to my H when he chose to date me instead of the young lady they wanted him to marry. They were horrible to me our entire marriage and favored their other grandchildren. In the end THEY missed out. There was no good reason for their horrible behavior. I couldn't fix it and I did not waste my time trying. If they wanted to be decent we were here if not too bad for them.

I had a mother that had major medical problems and a father that was severely mentally ill so it was no picnic for us.

Appreciate what you have and build the best life you can with people that love and accept you. You don't need to fight for people's approval. You will never get it. Move on from this never ending drama and you and your kids will be much happier and healthier.

Keep working on you!!! You will get there!!!

Zebra- thanks for the teply! I hope i dont sound like im bragging, that was not the intent. Ive just spent so many years wondering why they would like ow over me-

Mil even told me once, its too bad ow lost her job, sge haf such a great career. (Ow is a nurse. When wh left her she had to take 3 mos leave because of mental health issues. She was addicted to prescription pills, got wh addicted. And mil STILL thought she was better than me bc she had a career)

Its just recently that i am realizing, it wasnt me. I have great qualities. I miggt be overweight from the last pregnancy, i might not have a career, but i am worthy of a marriage where wh pays attention to me and the kids, and not rando women who screw married men.

GGT, when broken people meet a strong, driven person, they feel threatened. They feel inadequate in their presence. They assume anyone more successful than them is "stuck up" and "judging" them. It's why you will see an entire family of seemingly normal people turn on the Harvard grad with a great career and coddle their drug addicted child who still lives at home. They liked the OW because she was more like them than you were.

No. Not thinking you're bragging. We all think our kids are the best!!

My point was more that you and your kids are deserving of love and acceptance. Whatever you and your kids strengths and weaknesses are you should be accepted and loved by your families.

You don't need to compare yourself to in-laws, OW, or anyone else.

Maybe it would help to ask yourself why it is important to be accepted by your in-laws who seem to be unkind people?

It doesn’t matter what they think. I know. That sounds shitty. Let me elaborate.

You are an amazing and unique person. So are your kids. No one gets here I stand in judgment over that. You are you and a higher power made you you for a reason. Do you even see what you offer to the world?

Here is what I know. Infidelity hits us in the worst place. IHS nearly killed me. I absolutely needed to get out. Plan to go as quickly as you can for your own peace and to finally move forward. I did it for over a year. My therapist was stunned when she saw me after he moved out. GTGT…I was calm and at peace. I pray you find that. Please find your core support people and share your plans. You will need someone to lean on.

For me, I have never ever looked back. I miss aspects of being married but I am so much happier and healthier. I wish I’d found the courage to do it sooner. May you find the peace that you so deserve.

Dem

I guess Im just realizing I am enough. I have felt less than the other women because i didnt have a job, and I had 3 big babies so my body is a wreck. Im 35 lbs over what I want to weigh, i am prematurely gray and dont dye my roots often enough. I wear clothes from 15 years ago, sometimes im so damn tired at night i fall asleep next to the baby in my jeans without brushing my teeth, and I wake up at 2 am and feel sooo gross. Seriously, i dont shower every day. I havent showered since Sunday.

So I see THAT and think, "OF COURSE wh wants another woman!"

It wasnt until my ILS blew off my kids that I realized, hey tgey are freaking AMAZING people, beautiful, smart, funny, nice! And THEY are getting treated just like I am by WH and the ILS.

Its not me. Its them. But WHY. WHY wouldn’t you want extra people at the table? In my world, the more the merrier. I just dont get the inlaws, or wh. OMG!!! WH!!! A good friends husband said what i think- He has everything a man wants, a nice wife, two kids, hell, he even had a boy and a girl! (This was before baby 3) What was he thinking to leave that?

I get people dont want to be married, i get people dont always want kids. But he wont leave! He seems to want to facade.

(Sorry, im working thru some stuff. And the inlaws treatment of us is a little off topic, but it is in my opinion where wh gets his shitty behavior from, so im lumping them together)

But he wont leave! He seems to want to facade.

Yes, many people want this. He does have three amazing kids and an amazing wife. He also has a great girlfriend on the side, lots of ego kibbles, a great career, a family who tolerates his dysfunction. I mean, the guy literally has everything he wants. Why would he leave?

Stop. You will never have the answers to things, or at least to your satisfaction.
You know your kids are amazing.
You know that your H and his whole family are a dysfunctional mess, and honestly from what you have shared about them, I would NOT anything to with them in real life.

Good people are kind to all.
Good people respect others.
Good people treat others the way they want to be treated.

They are NOT good people. Fuck em. Seriously. Walk away knowing you did all you could. They chose to not be decent people.

Hold your head high. Your worth has ZERO to with your body. Your worth has ZERO to do with your extended family. Your worth has ZERO to with the broken person your spouse is.

Whatever the problem is - it is your IL's problem.

Your WH clearly had issues, and more than likely those were rooted in FOO to one degree or another.

I would stop looking to them for any level of validation, they aren't worth the space in your mind.

What is important is that you feel good about yourself and that your wonderful babies know how amazing YOU think they are.

Those other assholes can go pound sand.

Now...if only I could follow my own advice

[This message edited by LostOpportunities20 at 3:43 PM, August 11th (Wednesday)]

My exMIL was an insufferable narcissist who mistreated and belittled me and her other kids’ spouses. She thrived off her children’s desperate need for her love and approval. I stopped playing her game early into my marriage and tried to wake my husband up to her manipulation but it never worked. That may be what’s happening in your situation.

OW#2 was actually my husband’s ex who got back in touch with him after my wicked exSIL connected with him over Facebook. His family condoned and help facilitate their affair. But once she had served her purpose as the final catalyst for our divorce, his mother and the rest of the family turned on her too.

It’s very likely that the honeymoon period will end with OW and she will eventually treat her as abysmally as she did you. If that does not happen, it will only be because OW is an easier person to control and manipulate.

Your WH clearly had issues, and more than likely those were rooted in FOO to one degree or another.

Almost certainly. This horrid MIL's ability to treat you poorly shows that she can and will treat people poorly for no reason. I doubt you are the first. Imagine growing up with that type of mother! FOO indeed.

Why would you even want this nasty woman in your life? Yuck. Your kids have enough family to be fine. They do not need her.

I know this sounds weird, but in my experience, people like this sense a people pleaser, someone who wants approval, and they relish in taking it away. I think she could see that you wanted her approval so she got off on hurting you. When she senses you truly don't give a flying f@!% about her, her fake, phony self will suddenly be nice.

Stay far away from her.

I think she could see that you wanted her approval so she got off on hurting you. When she senses you truly don't give a flying f@!% about her, her fake, phony self will suddenly be nice.

This is actually my husband! Yeah, ILS suck. Ive tried my best the past 20 years and have no regrets telling her off.

His Mother...thought I was the most awful, selfish, stuck up bitch to walk the face of the earth. And I was raising my children to be stuck up. I was controlling bitch who did nothing but make her son miserable. And his brothers agreed with her.
Now keep in mind...she didn't raise him. His grandmother did. She didn't even want him because he was a boy and she as desperate for a girl. Walking out of church one day she looked at her 3 year old and said " you could fuck up God on a good day" Thats who she is. I came in, young and from a better functioning family and went ALL MAMA BEAR. I was so fiercely protective of my WH. Poured into him. I was going to LOVE Him and show him HOW Awesome life was...Poor, poor 21 year old Prissy. Had know idea what she was getting into

He brought not 1 but 2 OW to her home and she never said a word. The first time she was calling me telling me she "understood" as my husband's dad left her for his OW and remained with her until she died. This was after MIL had several affairs, spent them in the poor house, etc. And was INDIGNANT that FIL would not come back to her.

the Second time...this NEW OW came in and drank her bottle of wine she was saving and that pissed MIL off. But not enough to tell her son to get his head out of his ass. Then OW went nuts...and literally tried to kill WH. Pulled a gun on him after kicking in a door to get to him. Then she proceed to stalk, call and threaten everyone she could when he wouldn't go back to her crazy ass...including MIL and BILs.

Fast forward to be leaving and no longer pushing the relationship between her and my children. And now WH doesn't want to deal with her or her toxicity. His brother moved in with him...and now the entire family is seeing the level of mental health issues I was dealing with...hoarding, not keeping a job, insomnia, etc. And now everyone want to reach out...I blocked all their asses.

I have no need or no love for that pack of wolves. MIL will eat her own damn young...as evidence by the fucked way they all turned out.

Funny note...I ran into someone who knew her and she said Oh! your MIL's daughter. She was just bragging about the new home yall brought( I brought it solo) and that your almost finished your doctorate. She couldn't stop talking about you!"

I looked at this woman square in the eye and said ' I don't know who that it is. I have never heard of her".

You don't know those people. You created the best branch on that family tree with your babies. Look at them with pity... once your fully out of the picture they will eat other.

GGT, one podcast I listened to mentioned something about the unfaithful having a dysfunctional version of reality. Wouldn't that apply here? Too WH and ILS have such a dysfunctional grasp on reality, that they can't recognize what a normal person would?

You are an amazing person and terrific mom. It doesn't make sense to a normal person as to why your ILS would go duo this to you and your children.

Suspend what you think i s normal because they will never think along those lines.

Sadly there are no logical reasons— nothing here makes sense. It is irrational to a normal thinking logical person.

I used to feel badly that my MIL despised me. From the time we were dating she just hated me. Never improved. Now I thank my lucky stars she ignored me and never spoke to me. I avoided her toxicity and unhappiness. She treated her "favorite" son the same way - she disowned him.

She rejected her only grandchildren due to her issues.

I hope you can just accept there are people in this world who have issues and their behavior has nothing to do with you.