SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So it’s been a while since I’ve been here. Short story - found out nearly 4 years ago that WH had been using prostitutes and strippers for sex for the preceding 5 years (started when my eldest was 1 year old). Tried desperately to R for 3 years, but I struggled. 8 months ago seriously discuss divorce, he moves out a couple of months later. Three young children.

So 5 months of separation. A settlement is on the table, we’re going through the paperwork. Today I was going through his updated financial disclosure and I found credit card bookings for hotels in nearby towns / city. And I felt sick. I think I know what those bookings are for.

We’re separated, he’s at liberty to do whatever he wants to do. Yet this feels like a punch in the gut. There is also lavish spending at bars and restaurants. All coming out of our money.

I know there is nothing I can do. Well, I’ll flag it to my lawyers, but I expect they’ll say to let it go. I’m furious, sad and lonely.

These past five months the anger has dissipated. I told close friends and family about the decision to divorce, and most of them I also told why. As I told people it felt like a weight lifted. And yet as the anger dissipated I began thinking, what if? What if it could somehow work?

Crazy as it sounds I was so close to seeing if he wanted to try again.

Now, now it doesn’t seem possible.

I need to accept that this is really over. But I can’t. I’m in pain, yet I’m sane enough to want to distract myself. Help.

Oh Perdita I'm so sorry! It seems like this was almost another dday for you.

I think the good news is that the end is really almost near and then it will probably be easier for you to focus on yourself and heal once this is done.

Man, what a mind ~$@& this all is!

I’m sorry for you. You have young children and you are trying your best.

Unfortunately the STBXH is only trying to be a party guy. Not a family guy. I think you can see you would be the ONLY spouse who is faithful and monogamous and trying to "work" on the marriage. Yet you don’t need the work — he does. Which he is not going to do.

I’m sorry for your pain. ((Hugs))

When that final door closes, it hurts. That final bit of smoke from the hopium pipe. Even when it was what you knew, having it so finite and final is really hard.

But let it steel your resolve. He really is that crappy guy. Use his poor character to make your agreement solid and favorable to you and the kids. Dont count on him "to do the right thing".

Take care of you- feel the feels but also use this to help propel you forward. (((Hugs)))

Thanks for the replies, I come on and read and re-read them. I can’t believe (despite all evidence to the contrary) that I married such a crappy guy. A party guy rather than a family guy. I went through the bank statements again today and there’s about $6.5k spent in three months on hotels, bars and restaurants. $500 in one night on one of them. And that’s not counting all the cash that was withdrawn as I can’t be sure what that was spent on (although I can guess).

I can’t believe that I have to co-parent with this guy.

I think he knows that I’ve pieced together what he’s been doing since we’ve separated. I haven’t been able to hide my...anger? Hurt? Annoyance? I’m not even sure what I feel anymore.

Perdita, I'm so sad and angry for you. I would suggest you itemize these charges and give them to your attorney. When I went through this, my attorney was able to make my ex solely responsible for that debt, and offset the marital assets. If you do the legwork and research for them, you might be surprised.

I agree with Charity - itemize and give it to your attorney (personally, I find making an excel spreadsheet a great way to purge a sh*tton of anger! ).

And doggone it! It's OK to grieve the way you need to. When I'm in that "can't believe my WH did THAT" mode, I tend to vacillate between anger & feeling convinced/confident in my awareness that this M is not meant to be... OR, the old disbelief and "how could I be invisible" kind of thinking. It sucks.

And, we grieve how we grieve. I seem to do better when I let the hurt parts just feel what they feel, w/o the rest of me kicking those parts, or criticizing myself for even having them

Sending strength and hugs.

Perdita, is that money coming from your joint account? If so, bring it up to your lawyer. That's a good chunk of change to just brush over and let go. The least he can do is count it towards his share and not make you take out half from yours.

Thanks everyone. I’ll discuss with my attorney. The problem I foresee is lack of evidence - I suspect I know what these hotel bills are for, but can’t prove it. And while he’s wasted our money on extravagant nights out, I don’t know if I can make him solely responsible for that.

Also, I need a reality check. Two things:

1) I told a friend about the divorce and why yesterday. And her response was, ‘can’t you forgive him? He was just playing. Never saw the people more than once.’

2) For the first time, I am ‘in’ on an affair. Another friend, who knows about my situation and whose spouse I have only met once in passing over the years, has started an affair. She expects me not to judge.

Am I crazy to feel confused about how the world works right now?

You have to ignore the insensitivity of others.

Forgive him? You tried that and it didn’t work. He’s not choosing monogamy and family. He doesn’t have the same values and you cannot accept him as he is. So there is forgiveness (maybe) but no tolerance to choose to live as a perpetual betrayed Spouse. Duh!!!

And the friend having the affair is just wrong. Delusional at the moment. Selfish and disrespectful. But to expect you NOT to have an opinion is also wrong. I guess she expects your friendship to include only your support for everything she does - right or wrong, good or bad. Again — very selfish behavior and expectations.

So sorry for you.