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I am in the middle of my D but STBXH still lives with me. NC is near impossible on a regular day. Recently, a situation came up where his sister was sick. She lives 3000 miles away. It was urgent- didn't look like she would make it. He told me he was going to see her and he was taking my son - there was no discussion. Within two hours they were gone. She passed away before their flight even landed. They stayed three days taking care of arrangements and cleaning out her place. I was not invited to go but afterwards he said I could have gone if I wanted (I didn't like my son being so far away and in STBXH's presence 24/7 for days). I figured if he wanted me there he would have asked me to go and I would not invite myself in this situation. I had to text and call them for any updates regarding which hotel they were in, what flight they were taking home, how long they were staying, etc. I was not kept in the loop. I realize there were things they were dealing with but that does not take every waking moment. Thing is this is still going on. She was cremated and family is by me so I believe there will be a service here. Do I go? Do I see what he says? If he says do what you want, what do I do? I realize he is distraught but due to how he's treated me I don't feel it's my place to comfort him and I'm fairly certain he feels the same. He doesn't believe what I say anyway - does not think I'm being sincere or thinks I'm lying when I tell him I'm sorry, etc. So how do I handle this without being a jerk yet still keep my boundaries? Maybe I'm an awful person but I just don't have the empathy for him that I would have before all his cheating and abuse. I am at a loss. Advice please!

I’m sure with all sorts of things going on right now it seems impossible to ever get away from him but you can do it. You and your son can spend time together at the library, at a park, if you live in cold weather take him ice-skating. Get out of the house. Your job is to move away from your husband emotionally, mentally and sometimes soon, physically. You don’t have to yell, you don’t have to scream, you just have to exist while he’s there but you don’t have to be his buddy. In fact I don’t think you need to speak to him. He is playing mind games with you and you keep falling into them because that’s what he’s done the whole time. Stop yourself every time he says something and ask yourself if it’s necessary to even respond and if it isn’t don’t. If he has questions and they have to have a long sentence don’t answer it. If it’s a yes or no then you can answer that. What you have to do is change yourself because you’re not going to change him.

You're right. But what do I do about the situation regarding his sister?

You attend. Not for him. But out of respect for family and your son.

My H’s mom was a cruel nasty person and we had no contact for many decades. She passed. My H went to the funeral (alone) with his siblings and dad out of respect for his family.

He was doing the right thing. Out of respect.

My ex and I are still cordial, when we must interact, which is less than once every couple months these days. His mom passed a bit before covid hit, he called to let me know and I comforted my kids about their grandmother. But xMIL had been toxic - approving of his cheating and such. My kids went to their grandmother's service, and I sent flowers. In my mind, that was as much "doing the right thing" as our relationship warranted.

Support your kid, but treat this as you would have if you were already divorced. Once you all are finally split, things will change, so try to go now as you imagine you will then. It will make the eventual transition that much easier. You're not obligated to do anything but what your own conscience demands.

How old is your kid? If he’s still a minor, I would go just to make sure he comes back.

Did you have a good relationship with his sister or his family? If yes, I would attend.

If not, I would send flowers and call his family to give my condolences. I would even tell my ex that I was sorry for his loss.

I had to text and call them for any updates regarding which hotel they were in, what flight they were taking home, how long they were staying, etc. I was not kept in the loop. I realize there were things they were dealing with but that does not take every waking moment.

Unacceptable. He needs to learn to give you this information about your child's welfare/schedule/whereabouts/arrangements without being bugged, no matter what is going on.

She was cremated and family is by me so I believe there will be a service here. Do I go? Do I see what he says? If he says do what you want, what do I do?

It depends on how close you are with the rest of the family and your individual comfort level. Personally, I dealt with this with my former mother-in-law. I wasn't able to attend (1000 miles away), but I made sure the one child who was still at home had appropriate clothing for the calling and the funeral and all other activities. I then sent my former father-in-law (with whom I was close) a hand-written note and made a donation to a charity in her name. I got a lovely acknowledgement from my former father-in-law.

I realize he is distraught but due to how he's treated me I don't feel it's my place to comfort him and I'm fairly certain he feels the same. He doesn't believe what I say anyway - does not think I'm being sincere or thinks I'm lying when I tell him I'm sorry, etc. So how do I handle this without being a jerk yet still keep my boundaries?

He FIRED you from the job of being supportive to him or even his family. I would do what I felt comfortable doing in terms of card, flowers, donation or whatever. But you are under no obligation to comfort him or "be there" for him.

Case in point: when the former father-in-law died about 10 years after his wife, I sent a donation as was requested in the obituary. Did I receive any acknowledgement? Absolutely not. When my own father died, my ex didn't even send my mother a card. After being married for more than 20 years, I thought that crass. I didn't expect him at the funeral and I didn't expect him to be any sort of support, but I did expect him to be an adult about it. Unfortunately, he's not up to that. That's why I recommend doing something--a card, a donation, flowers, etc. But you don't have to attend in person, and I personally wouldn't.

Cat

My son is a minor but 16, so he can speak for himself. But of course I worry what he hears out of STBXH's mouth whenever he is among his family or friends as I am sure it is not flattering to me.

I rarely spoke with my SIL. She moved away from our local area about a decade ago. She would call or text on Mother's Day and my birthday (usually) and otherwise there was no contact with me. If she needed money she would ask STBXH. She rarely contacted my son, sent him a birthday or Christmas card or present (said she couldn't afford it). No judgment, just that we weren't very close.

I guess I will see what type of services, if any, are going to be scheduled. I would like to be there to support my son - he does not seem upset but it may be different at a service as it is so final and others may be visibly upset. And even though we weren't close, somehow I feel that paying final respects is appropriate. I have already told STBXH that I am sorry for his loss, but I am not taking part in any of the arrangements - he hasn't asked me to and I don't believe it appropriate for me to volunteer. I also don't think it appropriate to provide him emotional support. I feel as if at this point in time, that is not part of our relationship.

Thank you all for your responses.

My MIL passed just as I was starting to learn about my xwh’s affair. I went to the funeral to support my kids. I was no longer there to support my ws. I did tell his siblings and dad that I was sorry for their loss. When my FIL passed about a year later and we were in the midst of the divorce, my ws made me sign something with my lawyer that I wouldn’t attend because he was afraid I’d make a scene. My girls wouldn’t go with their dad so I ended up driving them to the funeral (3 hours away) and waiting at a park for it to be over to drive them home. I’m glad I did that for them, but I’m sure my XWH turned it around because according to his family, I will rot in hell for what I’ve done. What that is, I don’t know. But anyway, it would have been to awkward for me to attend even though I really liked my FIL.

You attend. Not for him. But out of respect for family and your son.

This is pretty much my vote. Pretend that your STBXH had suddenly disappeared without a trace from the planet (including memories)... what would you do in that situation? That's what you should do.

If you go and he is there.... just sort of treat him like a ghost. He's there, but it's not there, if that makes sense.