SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is probably me just wishful thinking…

The one thing right now that my WH and I have in common is we both love our daughter and want her in our life everyday (she’s 4). The thought of me not seeing her for a weekend or not having her in my care kills me. And also the thought of her not seeing her daddy everyday I know would affect her.

Does anyone have any arrangements such as you and your ex moved close to each other, like rented apartments in same complex? Or something where each parent could see your child everyday even though they reside primarily at one location.

I didn’t have kids with my ex but as the child of divorced parents, this is a really bad idea. It defeats the entire purpose of getting divorced, which is to extricate yourself from the relationship.

As painful as it will be for everyone involved to split up the family and time with your daughter, the arrangement you describe is just going to be more confusing for her and make it more difficult for her to adjust to the new situation. She needs to understand and become accustomed to the fact that she has 2 separate households: mommy’s and daddy’s. You also don’t want to give her false hope, even inadvertently, that you and your STBX will get back together.

Also, you do not want your ex to be able to monitor your comings and goings and all of your activities. You don’t want to see what he’s doing and who he’s with either, for that matter. Being in close proximity to him and seeing him every single day will only make it more difficult for you to emotionally detach and move on with your life.

What happens when one of you enters another relationship or remarries? Do you want to see your STBX with his new woman every day? How do you think potential partners will feel about you two living in such close proximity and having very few boundaries? What happens if either you or your STBX decide to move away, either because of a job or a new partner, and your daughter has to go through this whole process anyway?

Also, your STBX’s days with your daughter is precious free time that you will need to get things done, take care of yourself, and eventually, get back into the dating pool. If you need to wallow in your grief and cry without fear of upsetting your daughter or shirking your responsibilities, these days will give you that time. If you want to spend time with a man but aren’t ready for him to meet your daughter or don’t want him spending the night while she’s there, this will be your time for that. You will need quality time that is undisrupted by STBX.

Lastly, never lose sight of the fact that your STBX created this situation, not you. If he truly cherished his relationship with your daughter, he wouldn’t have given time that he should have been spending with his family to another woman. If he wanted to see his daughter every day, he shouldn’t have done something that would likely result in divorce. Clearly he thought his desires were worth the risk.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 2:53 AM, Thursday, February 10th]

I think it depends on a LOT of factors. I’ve seen a lot of alternate arrangements, but I don’t think any of them were when the D was due to infidelity - so it seems that the BS would need to be in a REALLY good place and prepared for the possibility of things falling apart in a bad way (and maybe quickly).

I’ve seen people D who bought a 2-family building, and each lived in one apartment.

I’ve seen people D and the kid stays in the house and the parents alternate living there (and maybe have one night a week that is still "family" night). The "family" home remains family ONLY, so no weirdness about dating, etc. BUT there can be issues about maintenance, cleaning up, etc. AND it’s really only an option for folks that can afford THREE homes (tho I’ve seen parents who get really crumm apts for the nights that aren’t ’family" or even have two homes and mom & dad alternate between them - but not after infidelity - so coming home and knowing your ex has been in the same bed w/ someone else wasn’t like trigger city, KWIM?).

I’ve seen people D and live a few blocks away - close enough for the kid(s) to walk between (which is pretty much what my parents did when the D - about a mile apart, so walkable, but not after dark).

What matters is a REALLY strong desire to make it work, communication, BOUNDARIES (out the wazoo), etc.

Personally, I think that kids generally understand that mom and dad are D, no matter the actual living arrangements. But that also takes a long of strong communication and being age appropriately honest (eg not fanning the flames of any child fantasy of mom & dad getting back together). All the studies show time & time again that the more time kids spend with each/both parents, the better they do after D (tho I really believe that has WAY more to do with the parents ability to co-parent and communicate effectively than the actual % of time each has with the kids).

What I think screws things up with the alternative custody arrangements is usually the dating and new partners. e.g., if you shared a building, or lived across the street, what are the parameters for your love life? His love life? Those are really important considerations. Plus, they are not the kind of thing you can put into a divorce decree and one or both parents’ views about it will likely change over time (ie eventually one/both will move on to new relationships and want that new partner in their lives).

Mommabear, as long as you and your WH is willing to work together on said custody arrangement, the judge will sign off on it. Its in the best interest of your daughter for the both of you to keep her top of mind, so if you can make an arrangement work for you both, the system won't demand otherwise.

On the flip, you can also have a set arrangement, and provide the other parent with access throughout the week as well.

I know this is hard. I had a really hard time being separated from my kids, my youngest was close to yours in age when this went down. I was most sad about the loss of my children, but you will make it. Things will get better, and everyone will eventually make the adjustment. Make sure to get IC for you and the kid if needed.

Just keep this in mind as you move forward. Some day in the future, you or your WH will have a new partner. It may be the furthest thing on your mind right now, but it will happen. Maybe a year from now, maybe 3, but eventually it will. And it will probably happen sooner rather than later for your WH. So keep in mind how close you really want to be by your WH while deciding on this arrangement. Like I said, you can always set something on set days, while providing full access on his or your time, but at least you have the set you time with you daughter. Just keep that in mind.

I’m for a clear separation, with residences kind of far apart -at least a couple of miles. Here’s why:

On this site, and with my own children, their supposedly awesome father quit getting them and only did things with the OW’s child. Remember the OW or next girlfriend can be a total nut and wants your H to prove his love for her and her kids by cutting his own kids off and taking her kids to their practices for sports so she can stay home or run errands or cheat on him. On this site a woman’s XWH was taking ow kids to soccer practice in a field behind her apartments while not going to their own child’s anything!

Also, as your child gets older, from what adults who had separated parents said on SI (at one time this was a question a person asked for input)that they liked knowing where the were going to be each weekend -moms or dads.

Also, as your child gets older, she may have a life at your house and not want to be going to her Dads every day. If you have set guidelines in place, then you can have the boundary for her, but you would be agreeable to see her Dad if she wants to. But the boundary is there for her.

Also in my case, at first my xh got the kids every weekend to go do fun things. So... you know where this was headed. XH started telling everyone I was pawning the kids off on him, that I didn’t want my kids, and since he had them so much he was thinking about going to court and getting custody. And I was just trying to be nice. People on SI told me get my children on my assigned weekends even if we didnt go on some big adventure, that kids like downtime, too.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 7:24 PM, Thursday, February 10th]

As others have said, I do not recommend that you put this into your agreement.

First, I am glad that the two of you have this perspective, assuming that it is genuine. My ex-wife said the same thing and then proceeded to try and get as much custody from me as possible (because she wanted the child support $$). But, if the two of you can put aside your hard feelings for your child, that's totally awesome!!!

Second, both of you have a long time before your daughter reaches 18. One or both of you will like get involved in other relationships, career changes, etc, and you do not want to be more constrained than necessary.

In the meantime, there is nothing preventing you from living close to each other... but I would NOT make that part of your custody arrangement.

Divorce lawyer for thirty years here.

I do not recommend this.

It will collapse under its own weight.

Your child will be confused, with no clear boundaries.

You will find it exhausting.

Every time I see a couple try to divvy up time like this, thinking its best for the child, it turns out its one or both parents that has the separation anxiety, not the child.

Don't do it. Make a durable plan with definite boundaries.

Or you could luck out and have an EX who doesn't want ANYTHING to do with the kids, that SHE wanted, after the divorce. I'm perfectly happy raising our 16 YO daughter (mom walked out when D was 10) and over the past two years has seen her maybe 4 times. Maybe. And she lives 20 minutes away.
SO, it's all a matter of priorities for the EX. I got custody and I have no problem being mom and dad. My D and I are close because of it. Would I want the EX to be involved? IF she could clean up her act and not be the narcistic witch she turned into