SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm about two years from D-Day, which was followed by separation and divorce. My XW was a serial cheater, and had hidden a dramatic sexual past. Afterward, I renewed a relationship from far in the past, which was wonderful and helpful, then crashed on the rocks, mostly because of distance. So I'm just getting myself back out there, meeting new people. I find it very strange, and find the idea of going from strangers to intimate partners much more of an undertaking than I did when I was younger.

So anyway -- the early frontrunner in all this seemed pretty great. Easy to get along with, very laid-back. Natural affinity between us. So I had a second date. No fireworks, but she's nice. It was comfortable. Seemed like something could happen. But I was nagged by a memory. This woman was a little bit familiar to me. I was pretty sure she was a friend of a friend, and pretty sure I'd heard some dramatic tales. But I wasn't completely sure. So I wrote my friend, and he wrote me back. Said, "Oh, her? She's a sex addict. Slept with hundreds of people."

Sigh. I'm not saying it's possible to see signs of this. Maybe it isn't. And maybe she's not that person anymore. Who really knows? But even so, I'm just not into that version of a sexual life. I prefer true intimate relationships, and wouldn't feel safe getting into a relationship with someone who sees sex as an end, not as just a part of something deeper.

But are there usual signs of this stuff? Is my radar just so messed-up that I subconsciously find these women? I mean, I was wary. Something felt off, but I can't pinpoint what. I'm not overly stressed about this, but I feel like it's super important to have good enough radar to not quickly fall into another circumstance like what got me divorced. How do you tune into this stuff successfully early on? Can you?

[This message edited by Slanted at 3:59 PM, Wednesday, February 16th]

Let's look at dating or sexual relations as a game of numbers.

My XW was a serial cheater, and had hidden a dramatic sexual past.

Oh, her? She's a sex addict. Slept with hundreds of people.

In the time you had one partner (your WS), both of the people above had many partners. While you were dating the new girlfriend, she would have been more likely than you to be dating several others, whether she told you and any potential other partners that or not.

Therefore, you will likely meet more people who are the "cheater type" because they are either actively cheating or they are more likely to move onto new relationships with multiple people. There also more likely to be actively looking for new potential partners.

Sorry if that's depressing, but it's something to keep in mind.

Wow. Thanks, @humantrampoline. Makes perfect sense. I hadn't thought of it that way, but I find that conceptualizing things in a more quantitative way like that helps me stay on an even keel.

I've met a couple of women who divorced because they were cheated on, but it makes a lot of sense that there would be more cheaters or sex addicts out looking. I don't want to date someone who's cheated unless they are clearly deeply remorseful, but that isn't usually a lead-off question, you know? Hi! You seem cool. Cheater? How do you feel about that?

Hi! You seem cool. Cheater? How do you feel about that?

A cheater would likely have had a relationship fail over their cheating and know it's not a desirable quality in a partner. They would probably lie about it. And in a catch-22, it would be the remorseful and healed former wayward who would answer truthfully. It sucks.

You're right. I'm getting the impression this is gonna be a much longer, more risky process than I would like. Just lucky I live in a place where a lot of people are going to be at least friends of friends. But I'm in it for a real long term connection, so I am just going to have to buckle in and keep eyes on the prize and be as dispassionate as I can. While ironically seeking to find a place of passionate connection.

I think friends of friends would be a good risk. You know you friends' character and trust that their friends have a similar character.

Also, I should add that I don't think a person's number of partners is any indication of future infidelity. I was assuming that the friend who said the new girl was a sex addict actually knew that she was unfaithful or knew her directly. I've been on the receiving end of rumors about being the bad girl by people who only knew rumors, and it's not a representation of my character at all.

To be clear: my friend does know her directly, and extremely well. And I actually know her through at least two other connections. It's definitely more than rumour. I don't know about infidelity itself, but I know that after my own experience with infidelity, I can't make a go of it with an addict, even a faithful one. Just not a safe harbor for me.

[This message edited by Slanted at 3:35 AM, Thursday, February 17th]

Slanted, so funny that you should post this topic...a friend and I were just discussing this today!

Since we were both cheated on twice, we were talking about how we’d like to find a partner hopefully some day, but our list of non-negotiables would be as long as yer arm, lol.

And how can you really be sure someone is telling you the truth? I guess we have to make sure we know what red flags to look for and to trust our gut?

My problem is that my second exhusband is a sex addict and must be a sociopath as well because I had no clue he was cheating for years...such a pathological liar!

We also said that neither of us is interested in the hook-up thing...we’d want a long term relationship with real intimacy and love...not interested in emotionless and no-strings-attached sex. Not knocking that, to each their own.

Just know that there are those of us out there who want the same thing...we just have to find each other eventually. Wishing you success in your search. (((Hugs)))

Just know that there are those of us out there who want the same thing...we just have to find each other eventually. Wishing you success in your search. (((Hugs)))

Thank you, Riverz. That's it exactly. The more I've thought about this, the more I've realized the "problem" is that I assume people are after true connection, because aren't we all? And it's taken a lot of hard knocks to completely understand that no, we're not all after that. My XW and others feel like broken humans to me, like they haven't experienced real intimacy, so they exhaust themselves in a facsimile of it based on feeling physically good. My XW at one point in counseling realized that she had never experienced true intimacy, but wanted it. Turned out to be too hard to deal with that revelation, apparently. Because only a few months later, the affairs started.

Slanted, what’s really crazy in my case is that I was truly led to believe that my exh and I had a strong loving connection, both emotionally and intimately. I’m seriously tortured by those memories, as they seemed so real...at least what I felt was real.

So then I think, how the eff will I be able to distinguish between someone who’s showing signs of a true emotional and intimate connection and another asshole who’s faking it???

I guess I’ll have to tread those dangerous waters once I’m ready...Lord help me.

So then I think, how the eff will I be able to distinguish between someone who’s showing signs of a true emotional and intimate connection and another asshole who’s faking it???

That's the crux of the matter, to be sure! Wish I knew. I think it's some combination of possibly faulty intuition and getting the mental trick of not glossing over things people say that are alarming. I used to journal after having a row with my ex. I've gone back and read my writing since the separation, and it's astounding what I see. Over and over, I questioned the right things and caught the warning signs. Then either downplayed it to myself or more often I chose to soldier on because I didn't want to break up the family. It's like Samuel Beckett -"I can't go on. I'll go on."

So I dunno. Maybe we hear but the faulty wiring is in not listening too well. I hope so. I mean most people spill out who they are eventually, don't they? If they don't, yeah, Lord help us.

Oh man. It does make you wonder of you can find a good person.

I was given a little calligraphy craft from a family friend years ago when I was a child. It says "Before you meet the handsome prince, you have to kiss a lot of toads." I always thought of it as an analogy to other life events, but it's probably true with dating too.

One of my 'tests' is if their story of why they divorced is not crystal clear with clear actions on their exes part on why they HAD to divorce, other than the ex was 'crazy', or some foggy mix of non-committal explanations, I don't trust them.

I understand they will not want to admit their own failings and leave those out, which can leave spaces in a story, but if their ex didn't have a clear issue, I don't want to get involved anyway because they divorced over something probably not worth divorcing over.