SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

And watching my ex just seem to win at everything despite being a demonstratively awful person and it's breaking me.

There's no question, nothing I'm really asking for, I just can't really say it anywhere else. I'm hurting.

Hugs

I'm sorry you're hurting. I wish I could make it all go away.

So very sorry. I am riding the struggling bus as well today.
These cheaters caused us so much damage and pain and yet many seem to go on to live a good life.
While we are left to pick up the pieces.
Absolutely unjust and wrong.
Janagreen: I am hurting with you.

Thanks guys. It's not even really about him, it's just I've been stressing about money and busting my ass at work, and today when I was approaching hour ten of my work day, the owner of my company chastised me for something and it just crushed me. It wasn't really completely my fault, but defending myself would have involved throwing someone else under the bus and I didn't want to do that. So I took my lumps, apologized, then took a walk around the block to cry behind my sunglasses while drinking my birthday wine out of a travel mug. Got back to the house and saw a social media post of my ex and his fiancee in the fancy hotel they skipped my daughter's soccer game to go to this weekend. I just low-key feel like a loser all the time, and I'm trying so hard, which makes me feel extra pathetic. Ugh.

Jana, your ex is the loser. Material things are not what matters. You have always put your kids first and from reading your posts over the years it's obvious you are a great mom. That's what really matters!!!

HUGS and Happy Birthday!!!

Dear Jana:
what you wrote is heart-breaking. I feel like I was living that moment with you. My thought is this: that no feeling is final. Right now it's awful, gross and unfair but how you feel about this specific situation right now will soften and feel less painful and sharp. That has been my experience when it gets intense. Practice self care when you are feeling this way -- take a long walk, make a playlist of music you like and listen to it, podcasts, whatever makes you feel like you are taking care of that hurt you, who needs attention right now.

Also: That WXH skipped your daughter's soccer game to hole up in a hotel is just ridiculous and karmic and so many levels. One day she will know and she will know how terrible that is without you having to tell her. Children know. I say this as the daughter of a mother who cheated and saw parenting as a hobby to squeeze in between partying. Your ex isn't winning at anything beyond posting on Facebook -- and that's what everyone does when they feel a teensy bit insecure about the direction their life is going.

Money problems are indeed stressful. They can also be temporary.

Take care and remember that infidelity is the language of the emotionally stunted. Your ex cheating on you was about his assholery, not because you were not enough. It's about him.

Just echoing the others— you such a good mom and a good person. Your priorities are right, your kindness is so big we see it from all over the internet here. I am sorry you are hurting.

They are just puffing up like peacocks. Ignore them.

(((Hugs))) you are truly the prize. You are doing great.
Be gentle with yourself- you are allowed to have bad days and feel the struggle.
But know that you are a badass and this will pass.

Why could you see their hotel? Monitoring their lifestyle through social media does not seem good for you.

I am coming around to a belief, at least for me anyway, that social media is not good for people in general. I am not sure we are even aware of all the tiny, hurtful, fake and unrealistic messages we are taking in whenever we scroll the "lives" of others. That beatiful prom post of someone's daughter does not capture the way that daughter also frequently talks back to her mom, the depression and anxiety she's struggling with because she never feels good enough, or the abusive, toxic relationship she has with her boyfriend. It's just one beautiful prom picture that gives us the impression that this social media "friend" has a perfect daughter, one posed, curated and incomplete message out of 50 that our hearts and minds will struggle with in a day. Why would you need those incomplete, staged messages coming from the ex? Too hurtful for you!

I feel your pain acutely for several different reasons. I really enjoy my life, but my choices--when compared to the lives of others--have not made things easy. Fulfilling and full of pride and purpose, but not easy. I only suffer when I allow the world to intrude into my own truths--that I like me, who I have become, the difference I make in my world, the way that I care and give back and live as a good person. That can't be captured in a social media post, nor do I think I should try. Life is not a competition; we only get our own.

You have always come across so grounded, so pure of heart, Jana. You seem to do the right thing rather than the easy thing, and THAT should make you feel very proud. The easy thing does not bring pride and peace and purpose in this life. It brings only a need for social media ego kibbles about how fantastic your hotel is. I mean, really? REALLY? A hotel room doesn't create laughs or trust or fulfilling conversation; it's empty and hollow unless it's filled with good people doing good things. What about the quality of the people staying in that stupid hotel room? You already know the answer to that, and THAT is why they posted about their room. It's all they've got, and it ain't much. It sure doesn't fill the heart.

Keep being the good person you are. I hope your boss appreciates you. Do you try to practice self love and care? Seems like you could use some reminders about how awesome you are. Gratitude journal? Inner child talks and hugs? Mani/pedi? A walk through nature somewhere? A list of things you like about yourself? Hang it in a frame! Those things are real, unlike some lame hotel room. Happiness is not defined by your latest purchase. Fleeting and one dimensional.

Happy belated birthday!!!! Hope yesterday was a better day at work.

Guys, thank you so much for your kind words. It's been a hell of a week lol. I'm just hoping next week is calmer. TGIF

My thought is this: that no feeling is final.

This is such good advice. And goes both ways too. He may be feeling wonderful right now but that is also temporary. You are laying the groundwork for something better - as my mom says you are in the weeds but you aren’t sitting - you are walking through it because you know there is something else on the other side.

I cannot predict the future but I would put a lot of money on his current relationship not lasting and his relationship with your dd being destroyed and at some point he will feel the weight of everything he destroyed.

Here a few ways to improve things.

Stay off ALL social media

Block the X

Applaud yourself for not throwing someone else under the bus and sparing them

Be thankful your child has one parent who has their priorities straight

Be thankful you are not still living with a guy who was someone’s leftovers lol 😆

Ugh, what's sad is that my daughter is actually the child he treats much better.

I don't want to block him, for reasons, but I do try to keep him snoozed. I made the mistake of clicking his Snapchat story. Bleh. My bad, should not do this and I know it.

Im sorry, Jana. I feel like we had/have similar spouses and went through similar stuff with trying to have kiddos. So I have always followed your posts

I am feeling similar things myself these days. Not with the WH but with people in general. It seems like I have worked SO HARD the last 15 years for a goal (mine is a big happy family) and my inlaws are crappy people who have what I have worked for with no work, and they exclude us. Add in my sisters are jerks and its the, "Im a nice person, work hard and STILL am getting crapped on?!?"

No freaking fair. No fair!!!

All I can do is offer a virtual hug and tell you that you are not alone in your feelings of, "not fair that crappy people seem to be winning at life" i figure its a stage in life and cant last forever, right?

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 8:06 PM, Saturday, April 23rd]

Jana, you are in the thick of the tough stuff.

I don’t know if it is American sociology, mom culture or I’m just a dum dum. I spent so much of my life striving. Sometimes for vacation X or a couch without a doghair layer. But mostly to make things happy and comfortable and then measuring it against others and seeing myself/us fall short.

My kids are out.... the youngest about to graduate from college. I have 3 kids who love each other and whose perceptions of our family life are so very different from my own. They’ve been on the Disney Cruise and at an all inclusive, but that’s not what they talk about or share memories off. My daughter just shared a memory clip of the baby recently. No sunsets on the beach or scuba diving. It was Pics of him sleeping in the car on trips up north, dancing in the local amusement park line, the really ugly tie shirts we made in our family ‘club’ and fighting over a shared giant donut. Laughter and togetherness wins out.

Don’t get me wrong my son was pissed for a year that we didn’t join all his wrestling friends on the senior HS spring break Mexican trip. No thanks. But I think in the end they liked having the parents they could blame for not being able to do this or that.

Your kids see you. They may not fully get it yet. Elbow deep in sliced oranges for that soccer game.

Yeah, they are kids and want the cool selfie too, but you are the soft place to land. You get their verbal burrs and bruises cause you show up.

Ex may be in a swanky hotel, but he missed that car ride convo, pillow fight, night time ‘hey mom’ chat or dinner disaster that made everyone cringe and compete for the best joke description. And it’s all of those little moments that are the gold. The ones we think are on the way to something that ARE the something.

Believe me, I’ve moved to a new stage and it’s wonderful too. But I kinda miss those battling years when we moved at top speed from dawn to dusk and we We’re on top of each other in space and nerves. My heart aches to hear the echoes of their brushing teeth complaints and conversations.

Take the time to know that you are doing GREAT....... not perfect. You kids see you they just aren’t aware enough yet to articulate it. They will though... and you will love it even as it breaks your heart a bit.

I hope this isn’t preachy, it’s not meant to be. Sending my best