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Hi Everyone, it has been a really long time since I have been on SI and posted. I’m not sure if this is the right forum for my post and please forgive me if this turns out to be a long one. Quick recap: I joined SI back in 2012, I was married 32 years and my WH left me for his narcissistic OW. They are no longer together and he has since apologized to me and explained to me that he ended up in therapy (though he wouldn’t go to marriage counseling with me). Anyway, I feel blessed to have gotten an apology which is more than most get.

After 2012 fast forward a couple years I met my SO. We have been together 7 years. We dated a couple of years and at that point we purchased a home. Off and on I had had problems with him having online EAs. He always had a quick temper and I never really knew what would trigger it. Then during COVID we moved to Mexico. I really enjoyed the local but, his behavior began to deteriorate. At the time I didn’t really realize that he was becoming more and more emotionally abusive. We lived with the locals but we would frequent the tourist area in town. One day we had a slight disagreement over a stupid t-shirt. He was getting loud so I asked him why he had to be like that, which obviously enraged him, he started yelling and swearing at me in front of all these poor tourists trying to sit outside and enjoy their food at the outdoor café. To avoid further conflict I tried walking away, he yelled behind me get the F"%$! back here. I was so embarrassed. One other event we were walking and came to a street where there was a stop sign and a car pulled up at the same time we got there. I waved the car on but, he got aggravated and pushed me and yelled "Just go!" I had to take a step in front of the car. There were so many more incidents. One frequent chore we had was to take our clothes to the laundry lady for laundering. I could tell she liked my SO and of course gave him her phone number. He started texting her, our situation got worse and we moved back home. He was full swing texting her but I wasn’t so concerned as she was a good distance away.

The deal breaker…his abusive behavior and extreme negative thoughts continued here. I asked if he would go to counseling with me and he laughed at me and said they don’t know what they are doing. They can’t even manage their own lives. Being really frustrated I suggested maybe we need to take some time apart. We haven’t separated yet and in comes OW. This is a woman he cheated on his BW with 20+ years ago. Now she is married and cheating on her husband. This is a full-blown physical A complete with "I miss you so my love" "my heart is with you" blah blah texts.
By her phone number I believe I have found her last name, address and husband’s name. I can’t seem to find a cell for him and neither of the have FB accounts.

My moral dilemma, do I tell her BH? My SO will not break it off so we are finished. I’m heartbroken, angry, sad in the same bundle.

I'm so sorry you are back here. Your SO is an abuser and a cheater. There's nothing to save here. Laying hands on you? Over a crosswalk? (Over anything is wrong, but a freaking crosswalk????) Bye dude

As far as your moral dilemma, if you can find a way to safely notify the BH, please do so. Whatever that looks like, only you know. In the early days, I was in a state of extreme fear of my WH. Because of this, I dragged my feet notifying some the BH's who I was able to identify. In the end, I did a combination of anonymous letters/emails (which included details to show proof), and in one case I identified myself and left contact info in case he wanted more info. He thanked me and I never heard from him again. Was there a better way to handle things? Maybe, but I was in such an emotional state that was the best I could do at the time. Also, in one case, the OW was single, so I emailed her supervisor at her job. I never heard back, but I felt I did enough. The BH deserves to know, but keep your safety in mind. Your SO sounds dangerous. Best of luck, and let us know how it goes.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 3:18 PM, Wednesday, September 21st]

WTB Thank you for your kind words.

Your SO is an abuser and a cheater. There's nothing to save here.

I agree, there is nothing to save. I will be moving out as soon as I can get my details in order. I am tired of walking on eggshells and being knocked off balance with words on a daily basis. Im exhausted. Add MOW into the mix and the answer is pretty clear. I have to move on.

As far as your moral dilemma, if you can find a way to safely notify the BH, please do so.

I feel like I need to let BH know but it's extremely difficult because I can't find a cell, email, FB, IG, for him. Neither MOW or her BH appear to be social media users. Also, it appears my WSO and MOW only communicate via text no emails.

Feels like all I can do is pray BH find out.