SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone,

Sorry that you are all part of this garbage club, but I am grateful for any commiseration or insights you'd be willing to share.

My WH (32M) and I (37F) returned from a family vacation with our 2 kids (aged 4 and 6) on August 22 of this year. He informed me on Aug 28 that he had "fallen in love" with his female employee in the time since we'd gotten back from vacation. He spent the following weekend trying to have us both, until she issued an ultimatum, and he left the family home on September 6th. He has since moved himself and the OW into a home about 45 minutes away.

I'd had misgivings about this woman before (including a very vivid dream where he left us for her, while on vacation) and had asked about these intuitions previously, only to be aggressively gaslighted ("it's really fucked up that you'd accuse me of something like this"). This woman came to my house, ate the food I prepared, played with my children, hugged me on the way out, and accepted the offer to borrow my vehicle to go to an out of town concert when hers broke down (and got a speeding ticket while she was out there, ofc, because her entitlement and selfishness to that point wasn't sufficient).

To be blunt, the good man and husband that I've known for the last 10 years has lost his fucking mind. He's rented a home that is well beyond what he can afford, on a year lease, which is 45 minutes from his kids. He blames me for "keeping him from his children" because I don't want to split custody 2 weeks on 2 weeks off with he and his girlfriend of a month -- the kids' school/dayhome are near my home, and he works long hours outside the house, and I work from home so I've traditionally done almost all of the childcare/logistics.

His solution is that he will let his employee/girlfriend work part-time the weeks that he has the kids so that she can spend the 2 extra hours a day in the car to get them to and from school/dayhome. He's also suggested that I should move away from my support system to facilitate his access to the kids. I am disinclined to do him this solid, shockingly.

I've retained a lawyer, and we have a counseling appointment booked for this Wednesday so that a professional can tell him that turning over his kids essentially full-time to a woman who contributed to blowing up their family is not what's in their best interest.

He's apologetic and apparently(?) remorseful (though not enough to cut off the OW), says he still loves me, and also says that I shouldn't get my hopes up for R because he and his gf are "all-in" and "this is forever".

This is the mindfuck of a lifetime, friends. I don't know which way is up. I wanted to hang in there and try to R, but the farther removed I get from dday, the more I feel like this might be irreparable. I'm pretty sure they've given me an STI (getting tested tomorrow) and he threw some random bullshit into conversation last week about how she had to get antibiotics for a "jaw infection", and I'm wondering if they knew and were priming me for more lies and bullshit.

So, uh... fml?

I'm so glad to hear that you've already seen an attorney and are getting STD testing. You're ahead of most of us at this stage, so well done you! We have quite a bit of reading for you in The Healing Library, and you'll want to pay particular attention to self-care. This kind of stress is soooo hard on the body and taking care of your physical health can't be stressed enough. At four months out, I was so sick to my stomach it was all I could think of.

Certainly, there's NO WAY IN HELL that I'd ever go for "two weeks on/off". He's slap out of his mind on that. I'd get with my attorney and go for full custody with visitation every other week and no contact with the OW for a year. He'd also need parenting classes and a drug screening. There is ZERO reason why you need to be in any way accommodating with this guy. He just walked out on those kids because it's not just you that he left. While it's true that fatherhood is important, it's equally true that not all fathers are up to the job. We could say the same about mothers, but you're not the one who has abandoned the family. Now, he's going to need to prove that he's responsible enough for the job and if your current attorney has no appetite for making that happen, I'd get one who does. Your babies are too young to take chances with irresponsible people.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. You've come to a good place though and will get tons of emotional support here.

((hugs))

Sorry you had to find us, but glad you did. You are doing great—

* Make sure your lawyer will be your shark.
* Good job on Dr appt.
* Who do you have for support IRL? Family? Besties? Get some local support and consider IC to help you handle all this.
* Take good care of yourself physically, which will help with the emotional stuff too. Eat well, drink lots of water, avoid alcohol, get some exercise of some sort. If you are having trouble sleeping, talk to your doctor about that.
* Read in the healing library and the bullseye posts - you may have to go back a a few pages, but there is some gold in there.
* Know that this is 100% on him. Accept no blame at all. Cheaters often like to play victim, but he was in the same marriage and chose to cheat.

I also don’t believe he’s only in been in a few week relationship-it has been going on much longer.

Does his affair partner (AP) have a BF or spouse? If so be sure to let him know.

Are you financially independent? Keep on eye on finances he’s spending marital funds right now. Make sure you protect yourself and your kids financially. I’d use some discretion outing him at work until you things like child care etc are worked out. All about the long game and getting the best for your kids. Especially if he is overextending himself playing house with the AP.

Hang in there, keep posting, and trust that you will be fine. because you will be. It will take some time, but you are gonna come out the other side just fine.

Thank you both, ChamomileTea and BearlyBreathing -- I've been reading all of the resources here (and everywhere I can find). I'm lucky in that I have a solid support system of friends and family (including HIS family, actually -- his mom lives with me and our girls). I've been doing my best with sleep and eating, and have been committed to the gym. I've spoken to a counselor as well -- still feeling like I'm losing my mind, but I guess only time and desensitization will resolve that entirely. All in all, I'm doing pretty alright with all of this.

I'm sure the chatting-up happened over many months previously. I don't know how long the EA and/or PA went on, and tbh I don't know if I'd believe anything either of them say about it anyway, so it's probably immaterial.

I've accepted that I may have to carry the household finances solo (fortunately I am in a well-paid position and own my home) while we get child and/or spousal support lined up. I'm prepared to do that, but also have supports there if necessary. I have my own bank account, and he hasn't touched the funds in the "joint" account (that all of our bills currently come out of -- I still need to switch all of that over to my personal account).

Thanks for weighing in. Sorry you're in this boat as well. This blows.

The guy walked out on his wife, his kids... and his mom?
Wow. That's a new one. This is all relatively new, dday was only six weeks ago, but is your relationship with MIL going to be workable in the long-term?

She's been a great help and support so far, tbh. I accept that at some point if his relationship continues with the OW, that she will likely want to go live with them instead, and that's fine. idk, I'm happy to have the extra help with the kidlets.

Aaaand yeah, this is quite the situation. His dad's still trying to plot to get us back together. lol. His family loves me... maybe cause I was like... pretty fuckin good to their son, who is being insane.

Squeaker -
You probably don’t feel like it but you are doing so good considering. Please move the joint account money yesterday. Pull your credit report. Keep seeing the counselor. And don’t budge an inch. Not a centimeter! This man has absolutely lost his mind. I can just tell he’s lost a real one. I’m sorry you and your kids have to go through this.

So sorry this has happened to you, but please do what the others have wisely advised. I know you are reeling in shock but you have done some smart things. Keep it up. He is not your friend. He is irrational. Don’t trust a word he says at this point. You need to protect yourself and your children. Eat healthy. Exercise. Protect your assets and don’t give an inch on custody. Read in the healing library. Keep seeing your counselor. And keep moving forward. “Action this day!”

He's also suggested that I should move away from my support system to facilitate his access to the kids.

The selfish nerve!

As soon as you can, if you haven’t already, get your lawyer to organise a lock on finances, you don’t want to get into debt by his actions right now and still being married it could happen. So express that you need to financially protect yourself and your family.

NC and grey rock. All communication via lawyers and download a coparenting app to handle anything to do with your children. The lawyer might suggest their preferred one. This records everything, future protects from any future faking , for example, "she’s keeping me from my children" etc etc. Put your foot down and tell the FIL to stop, they mean well but at best they’re going to confuse the kids, at worst create more fires to put out when WH twists the situation "she’s poisoning them against OW" etc etc

You’re not going to break through that selfish entitled cocoon of his right now, especially with OW being there to validate him. So protect the assets and money, create a safe legal environment for family, let the lawyer guide you.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 12:51 AM, Tuesday, October 4th]

I know it doesn't feel like it, but you are doing so well in such a short amount of time--getting your head as straight as it can be, getting your support system in place.

Time to take calling of of the shots out of his hands. File formal papers of separation and/or divorce to stop his bad financial decisions from coming back to haunt you (seeing that he is renting a house he can't afford and his "2 income" household with new miss "thang" is really just dependent on HIS income, since she works for him).

Yes, he has lost his damn mind...and therefore cannot be trusted by you in any way. He is looking out solely for HIMSELF right now--completely and utterly self absorbed.

For your own sake, do your best to see that (sadly) these 2 deserve each other. Karma's coming and she has her batch boots on!!