SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello everyone, I’m back here after 8 years.
My fiancé told me last week he has no more feelings for me, he doesn’t think this relationship can be fixed and that he has feelings for a coworker. Things were not going well but I was not expecting this at all. I’m beyond heartbroken, specially because we have a 1yr old beautiful baby girl and I it breaks my heart thinking what’s coming for us. My whole world changed from one day to another and I’m still trying to process this. Of course it’s so triggering and even though I know I’ll be okay because I already went through this, it’s so sad and I’m so tired. I don’t know if I can get over yet another cheating, another heartbreak.

Hey, just wanted to say I feel for you. Wish we didn't need to welcome you back. Holding space...

I am sorry you are back. But this means you know the routine:
1) Get thee to a doctor and get full spectrum STI/STD testing. If you are having trouble sleeping, talk to him about that too
2) Take extra good care of yourself - hard with a little one but still important. Eat healthfully, drink lots of water, avoid alcohol, get daily exercise. These help your body and your mind and will help you get through this.
3) See a lawyer. You are not married but you have a child. Understanding what child support will look like will help ease fears and help you plan. Knowledge is power.
4) Lean on your IRL support- besties, family, pastor, IC… rally the troops.
5) Remember that his cheating is all about him and his character (or lack thereof). You could be the best or the worst— doesn’t matter, no excuse for cheating. Getting away from him will be the best thing you can do for your child. She needs to grow up knowing that that type of behavior is 100% unacceptable. And her mom is a bad-ass .
6) Trust that the THOUSANDs of us on SI have made it through and you will too. It will suck, and it will hurt- no way around that. But you will come out the other side and see your relationship and your XBF in a completely different light. (Spoiler: He will not look good.)

It is sad, and it hurts. So be nice to yourself and at the same time, start planning to get away from him and provide for your little girl.
You deserve better.

Sorry you are here… I imagine it’s overwhelming

But let’s just slow it down…. He has said he has feeling for a coworker. Having feelings for someone and cheating are two different things.

Yes we all know how people lie… and there could be more to it. But make sure you ask first. He could just be looking at the greener grass. We all know that having a 1 yo is not easy and whilst there is no reason for cheating, comparing your current life to something new can be enticing.

Get into counselling. And take him with you

Thank you justsomeguy, I'm here for empathy and I know this is a great community that helped me a lot the first time. Sadly, it is definitely something I wish we did not have in common.

@BearlyBreathing THANK YOU, thank you so much for the tips. As you mentioned, I was here before and I know what to do BUT my brain is still in the fog. I work full time and with my 1 year old it was already hard, I am still in shock. He told me 10/2. Your post is just fresh air, thank you for the reminder. All these tips are so important and necessary. I really want to heal properly. I want my baby to grow up in a happy/healthy environment. And you are right, I need to start planning for me and my sweet baby girl. So much love back at you. Thanks again

@tortured thank you for the support. I appreciate your perspective, however, he told me he does not love me anymore, he does not think our relationship can ever be fixed and that he has feelings for somebody else. He is actively looking for a place to move out and he is coming home late. As you said, cheaters lie and minimize. I would definitely go to therapy with him if there was not a third person in the picture but he is done with me and I am not going to beg him to stay with me and HIS DAUGHTER. I do not need a man that runs away and looks somewhere else when things get rough, our baby is only 1yo, we are barely starting and he is already overwhelmed! He just told me on Saturday he is not planning on helping me with rent, only with baby's diapers and formula.He is not remorseful and he does not care about us anymore, his actions are speaking for him.

He just told me on Saturday he is not planning on helping me with rent, only with baby's diapers and formula.He is not remorseful and he does not care about us anymore, his actions are speaking for him.

You've got a couple of choices about that. You could see an attorney and draw up papers to terminate his parental rights. That way you could put him in your rear view while you and your daughter move on completely. You can file for child support and let him tell a family court judge about how he's only going to buy diapers and formula. Or, you can do nothing and settle for whatever scraps he decides to throw your way. Clearly, he's not going to change and judging by the above comment, he's unlikely to be any better of a father than he was a boyfriend.

Thank you for sharing and I hate to hear you are back here. Lots of love and support your way and stay strong you’ll come through it!

I am sorry you have to be here. Your fiance does not seem to helpful with your daughters needs and is clueless if he thinks he gets to choose what child support he gets to provide. I believe you can sign up for child support online in Los Angeles. I would just get the process started so you can make sure your beautiful daughter is taken care of.

Sounds to me like he is running from his responsibilities. He doesn’t want to be a father ot have adult responsibilities.

Now — is this as a result of the OW? Or is this who he was and he was never going to settle down and be a father?

Hard to know. It could be he became "interested" in the OW so he’s suddenly abandoning you and your child to be free to pursue her. Or he could just not be "family man" material.

I think you need a good attorney.

Hi guys, thank you for the support. Yes, I’m definitely filing child support after his response.
Today was very hard. I heard him having a conversation with HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND IN OUR APARTMENT WHILE HE WAS WATCHING OUR BABY!! I was upstairs and I heard him on the phone in a weird tone(I knew it wasn’t his family or friends) so I quietly got closer and heard how he was talking to her calling her "my love" and that he was hoping they were going to be together forever
AND AT THE END HE ASKED MY DAUGHTER TO SAY BYE TO HER!!!! omg I was shaking! I had my zoom therapy session right after so I didn’t confront him then. It was my first therapy session and I shared with her what had just happened and she asked me to talk to him directly and seriously about having boundaries and not talking to her on the phone while he’s still living here and specially not while taking care of our baby.
After our session I did and he told me he can do whatever the fk he wants bc this is his house, he's paying rent and we're not in a relationship anymore. I don’t know who this man is. I’m so sad and worried that my daughter will be around this man.
He says he’s looking for a place, both of our names are on the lease so I can’t kick him out. I’m so heartbroken and just feel so defeated tonight. My poor sweet baby is sleeping next to me and I just can’t stop crying.
I’m gonna try to get in contact with a lawyer tomorrow.

Angeles85 -

I am so sorry for what you're going through. Checking in on you. In the same vein that being on the lease means you can't kick him out, it also means he can't not pay rent. You should let him know you will be taking him to small claims court. Does he get paper pay stubs that you can get your hands on one? I'm pretty petty so I would make it very undesirable to be there. And I hope you're filing for full custody and child support soon. Do his family and friends know?

Angeles85,

He sounds like a right piece of work. You and your daughter deserve so much better than him. I hope he is not verbally abusive or even physically abusive. If he is even the slightest I would call the police and get him chucked out of the house. Since he isnt willing to pay the rent anymore he doesnt deserve a roof under his head. Yes he may be the father of the child but if he is clearly not showing you any kind of respect and is on the phone to his gf his so called love then he should not be around your daughter. I agree boundaries need to be set. He cannot do whatever the f**k he wants because youre the mother of that child and you carried her for 9 months. He cannot just introduce some stranger to your daughter. If I was in your shoes once he is out of the property change the locks. He isnt willing to pay rent then he isnt getting into the property with those keys. If he comes outside the door call the police and tell them everything. Being around him will make you weak and vulnerable and I think he wants that. Please do look after yourself. Dont let him beat you down. Youve been through this already and you dont need another asshole making your life a misery. You are very strong and youre a fighter. You will get through this and win once again.

[This message edited by LIYA13 at 9:50 PM, Saturday, October 15th]

I'm very sorry to hear your story.
He honestly sounds like he's more of a little boy than a man. I'm sure, whether he likes it or not, he'll have to live up to his responsibilities.

Yes, look at everything he's doing, you must protect your sweet baby.