SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Particularly bad week of flooding this week with no idea why. Feel like I’m back in JFO territory. Lying down here next to DD in angry tears, when I haven’t cried about this for months.

Why am I left to pick up the pieces of something he willingly and consciously smashed to smithereens?

Why does he get to cry about having "no more savings again" bc I decided to D?

Why does he get to cry about having to tell his mom we’ve separated?

Why does he get to cry when DD asks him why he can’t come in the house?

Why does he get to cry at all?

Why does he get to play the role of good father on the one day at week he picks her up from school?

Why does he get the opportunity to interact at all with DD given he denied her existence to AP? He does not deserve an ounce of the excitement she has when she sees him. He got pissed at me for spending my own money to order cupcakes for her school class on her birthday, and yet spends his own on buying AP a Christmas giff (needless to say he never bought me or DD one). Yeah, read that one again.

Why does he get to be relatively healthy while one of my closest, most kind-hearted friends gets diagnosed with terminal cancer?

Why does his family get to see DD when he blames mine for A?

Why do I feel guilty for wanting to stop paying his car insurance?

And yeah, I’ve read all the theories. DD deserves all the love that people have to give including his family. Forgiveness is a gift I give myself. Blah blah blah. Why should I be forced to give myself this gift in the first place when I should have nothing to forgive?

"Wayward" spouse? Wayward sounds like someone who just happened to get some bad directions in a foreign city and took the wrong turn. Call these people what they are - unfaithful, selfish asses, lying POS, narcissistic psychopaths, abusers. Not "wayward".

Btw, I’m in IC, I’ve got an amazing support system, a beautiful, wonderful DD, and I am acutely aware of how privileged I am that I even have the choice to D.

Doesn’t make this any easier or fair. The amount of why’s in my head are only outnumbered by the number of lies he told.

Yup, cheaters are a special kind of shitty...

Doublerainbow, that was a fantastically articulated and well deserved rant. You have been heard. I remember that phase so well. It's when you are getting over the initial tears of having lost the love of your life, and then the unfairness of it all sinks in. It's so hard. It's almost harder than the initial loss.

I swear I will not offer you any platitudes or a to do list, save one exception. As long as you are separated and not divorced, pay the car insurance. All you need is for this asshole to freaking kill someone in the car and have them come after your assets because he wasn't insured. Its not like he's a responsible person or anything. Once divorced all bets are off.

Try to have a happy Halloween conjuring up hexes to put on him. There is an abundance of information about this at this time of year.

That’s you hitting one of the loop-de-loops on the ultra shitty infidelity roller coaster ride.
Nothing about getting through this is linear.

Great rant, and don’t even think about forgiveness yet. You never have to forgive him, even to heal.
And you certainly don’t have to today. FTG.

Keep ranting— getting the anger and poison out is good.

Thanks, Charity411. I’m going to spend tonight going down the rabbit hole of Halloween hexes

The floods continue. This was not some drunken ONS, not just some flirty texts, not some AP coming onto him that he couldn’t ignore. Not to minimize those As.

A full-blown A that HE SOUGHT OUT by posting on an online dating site. Not Ashley Madison or whatever where everyone knows everyone’s M. Motherfucker not only claimed he is single and not married but had the motherfucking nerve to deny my kid’s existence? And he has the motherfucking nerve to ask for parenting time with her and give me shit lines like "I won’t interfere with your parenting ways". Really asshole? My parenting ways that don’t involve lying or claiming I don’t have a kid so that I can cheat on her mom?

Please tell me I’m not the only BS who dives into wishing their WS 1) gets castrated 2) breaks both legs irreparably 3) gets a rare form of pimply painful skin cancer 4) has their picture posted around the city with the words LOST DOG plastered on them.

I feel like a monster with these thoughts and feel as much of a lowlife as WS.

You're off to a great start on the hexes. Castration, broken legs, and painful pimply skin cancer is a great start. Have you looked into voodoo dolls? I see a new hobby in your future. The lost dog posters can be accomplished with a trip to Copy Works and some high school volunteers who could use a good laugh.

My Xh married the OW and she is making his life miserable. I’ve heard from my sons that she is straight up crazy, that she was hitting my xh, yelling at him, locked him out of the house on Father’s Day, no less! Her son went to live with his dad bc of the yelling. I know a neighbor and she said they are always drinking and fighting, and another friend found out the OW is cheating on my xh with someone at her husbands work. Who would want that life when they had a perfectly good family and life?????

(((Double rainbow)))

A full-blown A that HE SOUGHT OUT by posting on an online dating site. Not Ashley Madison or whatever where everyone knows everyone’s M. Motherfucker not only claimed he is single and not married but had the motherfucking nerve to deny my kid’s existence?

Most around here do not even think about getting into dating/"searching" for someone, having to deal with the difficult process they are dealing with and the people who do this kind of things not only are not happy with what they "have got" but also have to go on a binge looking outside for MORE... Talk about egoism and being self centered... Tremendous DISRESPECT indeed.

You are ANGRY. It helps alot on focusing and mentally preparing to take some sweet hard decisions that have to be taken.

You WILL be ok.

[This message edited by justanotherperson at 6:29 AM, Saturday, October 29th]

I salute you. Honestly, it's weirdly refreshing to see someone owning and releasing their anger. I held mine inside and had a few panic attacks instead.

You had dignity and resolution to stand for yourself and your daughter. You are doing well. Your best revenge will be a life well lived.

Thanks, everyone. I’ve looked into hexes (I do love Halloween). I feel crazy even just typing that out, but it did make me feel better.

ZDZD, the anger came out of nowhere. At first I was just on stone cold autopilot mode. I did skip through the upset / hurt phase and went straight to white-hot rage, or maybe the hurt / sadness is still to come. Whereas most BS here seem to be asking "how could he/she?" I’m more "how DARE he?"

I might have been more sad than angry had WH not denied he had a child to AP. But denying my kid? Ruining her potential for a happy childhood and well-adjusted adulthood? Ruining her chances of trusting any future romantic partners? The gloves are off.

While I have not actively planned to cause WH’s demise, I’m not lying when I say a huge part of me is disappointed whenever I pick up a phone call and it’s not some hospital telling me WH died in a car accident.

As you can tell, my IC has advised I get out all my anger for the sake of my mental health. I hope you can do the same.

I hope he gets rich and leaves it all to your daughter.

Really though, I hope he gets it somewhat together so your daughter can not have a miserable time when she's there with him. I hope the other people in his life will be kind to her.

It's wrong and unfair to you X 1000 and your pain is great. These people are life destroyers. I'm glad you're free and will go on to happiness. I often reflect why people like this came into my life. I didn't see them for who they were. Now you're stronger and wiser. You're going to give that wisdom to your daughter. Use your Anger to show you what you want in life. Go get that and be happy. A strong mom is an awesome mom.

DR - that was one righteous rant! Raw, brutal and in doing so - beautiful and ballsy.

Keep coming here, keep ranting. You are not alone. And FWIW - anyone who can rant like that kicks ass and takes names. I promise at the end of the Roller Coaster Ride from Hell - you will be just fine. You will wear your battle scars like a glittery badge of honor. And I will buy you a big drink. In fact, I raise my glass to you now (water because it a work night and promise it will be wine this weekend).

doublerainbow I have found it too, thank you for your example.

So far I've shown kindness for 1.5 years after d-day. Supportive and understanding as she was in limerence. I Was agreeing to sell my share of our common apartment for half the price because she couldn't afford more - still not enough for her. Took guilt tripping lightly "Are you going to financially ruin the mother of your kids?". Endured criticism about how I raise children. Listened how our bad marriage led to her affair. Bought an apartment and moved out peacefully. Continued to listen to criticism. She betrayed my friend the OBS who considered her a close friend too. She endangered the friendships of our kids. By now, she has a new boyfriend whom she is inviting while my kids are there.

I will be kind no more. I will demand my half of the apartment as I am allowed by law. If she does not agree, I will sell it through court and take the kids as she will live in a rented corner. I will not allow a single comment about how I raise my kids - to be honest, loving and strong. I will keep being friends with OBS and our kids can still meet and play, no matter how jealous my dear xWW and her former AP are.

I haven't been a very good husband, but I've been faithful, caring and sincere. No more nice, I am furious.

[This message edited by ZDZD at 6:33 PM, Saturday, November 5th]

Alright friends, I’m back and I did it. I finally sent WH a piece of my mind in writing. I had written countless letters to him but never ended up sending them. I finally did, after confirming they will not disadvantage me in D (which was my biggest concern preventing me from sending them before).

Since D-day a couple months ago, I only released my anger at WH twice - once in person and once on the phone. Both conversations were about 2 hours long. I didn’t throw anything, only used profanity a couple times, and didn’t damn him to hell. Although I should have. Even this letter I sent only scratches the surface of my fury but at least some of it is off my chest. Bonus - I can save them for DD’s future reading in case WH lies about A in the future or blames it on me.

He wants to take me to court for D. Which I find so ironic, but was prepared for. Bring it. I will make sure he suffers not just in court but outside of it, and for years to come.

I am ready.

Thank you Chaos and pureheartkit for the kind words. This community is truly unreal, I am so glad I found it despite what brought me here.

My only hope in all this is to channel my anger into what’s best for myself and DD’s future. Modeling honesty and strength so that she grows up to be a strong, happy and honest woman is the only thing that is driving me now. There will be dark times but I am trying to actively choose happiness. I refuse to give WH the power over my future happiness or DD’s.

ZDZD, so much in your post that I am appalled at. And furious for your sake. I empathize 300% in your anger.

WW did not and does not deserve any of your kindness. You’ve put up with too much for too long.

A bad marriage leading to A? I’m sure WW wasn’t a perfect wife either, but you remained faithful. WH blamed a bad marriage and me not appreciating him for A too - which I shall rant about in another post as I seem to be on a roll. And believe me he was far from the perfect husband (even if you conveniently forget his cheating) - never cooked, did bare minimum house chores, financially contributed much less to our lives bc he was too lazy to get a better job, and tried to estrange me from my family members among countless other things. But guess what, I didn’t go out and cheat. WS are fully 100% responsible for A. At most you are 50% responsible for what happened in M and I wish you strength in learning from M, if/when you want to find a future partner.

She doesn’t deserve you protecting her reputation from the kids, moving out for her to stay in the apartment, or the extreme patience you showed her when it was her selfish choices that you have to suffer for. She needs to GTFO, of your life (except if it involves the kids), of the apartment, with her new boyfriend who will either cheat on her or she will cheat on to invite some more shame on herself. Because karma is a bitch, friend. They are getting what’s coming.

As someone above posted, a strong dad = a strong kid. I will add a happy dad = happy kids. Life is long. Now is the time to take back your life and happiness.

Solidarity, my friend. You will come out on top and your kids will learn from the incredible example you are setting.

I like your name. Double rainbows are a beautiful sight, rare and precious.

You sound strong. I wish you success.

Thank you pureheartkit. I picked the name bc a few weeks after D-Day I saw a double rainbow after dropping off DD from school. As you said it’s a rare and precious sight, I took a couple photos that to this day are still on my phone. That sight pulled me out of the darkness and fog that I thought I would never get out of.

As for sounding strong…I try. This forum seems to have more BS who seek to R with their WS. I don’t think I have that strength so more power to them.

I found myself a new therapist and hoping this one helps me get unstuck as I seem to be hanging in limbo. Apparently I have unprocessed, seething rage which is shocking to me (posting profanity-laced here and tossing things and hexing the ex I felt were some pretty decent outlets).

She suggested a smash room, something I’ve never heard of and after looking it up it sounds right up my alley. I’m really hoping it helps process the anger bc I’m literally feeling murderous some days.

DoubleRainbow,

The amount of rage that would course through me scared me at times. I used to go out in my car and scream until I couldn't talk. Sat on the steps with the dog and howled. I've heard people would freeze water in paper plates and take a baseball bat to them.

If there's a smash house near you, go try it. My DS and his GF went to one and had a blast.