SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband (WH/42) just came clean about an affair with our former nanny (OW/33). I (BW/39) am just a ball of confused emotions.

Some background. We have two small kids and when the pandemic hit, our daycare closed. We found a nanny online. She worked for us from September 2020 to June 2021. In May, she shared she was in an abusive marriage, and WH and I agreed we would do what we could to help her escape.

We have subsequently learned that she is actually a con artist, and used this sob story to get money from us. We gave her thousands willingly, and also believe she stole hundreds more in cash and fraudulent credit card charges.

Long story short(ish), he started sleeping with her after she stopped working for us. There were several general times when I called him out, and two specific instances where he lied to my face. The first was immediately after they first kissed, which he denied. The second was after they first had sex, which he denied. That time, he did admit to meeting her, but said it was just for coffee and he only kept it secret because we had agreed we would not meet her in person anymore. (I was getting suspicious of her motives, and was concerned about putting our family in the middle of a situation with her violent husband.)

We started seeing a therapist, with the goal of rebuilding trust. WH claims he really wanted to do that, and that he wasn’t consciously planning to continue to affair. Yet, he never confessed in therapy, and most of our sessions focused on how I needed to address my trust issues. All gaslighting.

According to WH, the affair continued off and on until February 2022. He says they had sex 4 or 5 times during that period. In February, he had an epiphany that he wanted to be a better person and do right by his family, so he ended it. He says he hasn’t seen her since then. She reached out to hook up a few times, but he turned her down. She reached out for money a few times, and he gave her some once.

A few weeks ago, she reached out to WH, threatening to tell me everything if he didn’t pay her. He believes this was always her long game – extort money to keep the secret. So instead, he came clean. He has apologized a number of times, and we’ve started seeing another therapist. He wants to reconcile and he’s doing all the recommended actions to rebuild trust.

I want to believe him, but I feel like I’ve been betrayed twice. The first time, when he lied to my face and wanted to "rebuild trust" in therapy over a year ago, and again when I found out the truth a month ago. And so much of what he tells me seems to be conflicting (not the hard facts, but the emotions). On the one hand he says it happened because he just felt so strongly that he needed to help her. On the other hand, he says it was purely transactional, with no emotional component.

There are so many other relevant details, but this is already long. I guess I’m just looking for advice. Am I crazy to try to trust him again? Will I ever be able to stop picturing them together or wondering if he touched her the same way he’s touching me? Am I considering reconciling because I want to or because I’m afraid of the collateral damage of divorce?

Schedule a polygraph before you consider attempting reconciliation. You need a foundation of truth,and it doesn't sound like you have it.

He sounds like a typical cheater, and his excuses are textbook.

Also, the "abusive husband" is a line most OW give their AP. It gives her an excuse for her bad behavior, and allows the OM to play the KISA. Any proof he was abusive? If not,he deserves to know.

What work is your husband doing to become a safe partner?

[This message edited by HellFire at 9:59 PM, Tuesday, November 1st]

Polygraph asap!
You husband wanted to have sex with her because she walks on the wild side and he liked it. Do not let him gaslight you or continue to lie to you.
If you are having trouble eating or sleeping see your doctor. You might need something for the next few months. You have a child(ren) and they need a mom who can function.
((((Barely)))) hugs

The Nanny AP has already demonstrated a criminal mentality. She’s categorically high risk, dangerous. In this particular instance, I wouldn’t risk any further contact with her by notifying the possible OBS. There’s a good chance he’s equally high risk and criminally minded.

Your WH has seriously compromised the safety and security of you and your family-YOUR CHILDREN. The prime duty of a husband and Father is to protect, to keep your family safe. He has failed here miserably. He has brought and harbored a criminal(s) into the sanctity of your home and then sleeping with her, he has brought the criminal into the intimate sanctity of your marriage and has exposed you all to STDs, extortion, fraud, theft, and possibly worse setting you all up as the next cliche, based on true events Lifetime movie. It sounds like he he did this, if I have the chain of events correct, it sounds like he did this knowing she was a high risk security threat?

First and foremost, your WH needs to be pulling all the stops to ensure the safety of your family. He needs to be absolutely NC, may even need to take NC a step or three further. Whatever it takes.

Usually we advise to notify the OBS, but in this particular situation, I would not.

HellFire, thank you for the quick feedback. A few questions - how does one schedule a polygraph? I can ask my therapist about it, but just wondering. Also, is there a search function on this site? I was hoping to look up other threads involving similar situations by searching for terms like "nanny" but I couldn't figure out how. Probably operator error.

Also, while I am definitely struggling to know what's true and what isn't, I am curious as to what I said that made you conclude I do not yet have a foundation of truth? Maybe it should be obvious, but I am so confused by my own intuition right now that I don't know what to think. I could use a third party perspective.

As far as the abusive husband, that's probably the one thing I'm confident is true. We never witnessed physical abuse, but he did stalk her at our house before the affair started (per my husband's timeline) because he claimed she was having an affair with one of our neighbors. As it turns out, she was, but not the one he thought. WH also witnessed him being verbally abusive (well before we even knew anything about physical abuse, and just assumed he was a run-of-the-mill jackass). He called her stupid for not understanding something about how her car worked. While both of those things could be chalked up to isolated instances, he has two other ex wives who both filed restraining orders against him, citing abuse. OW also had significant bruising. I suppose it could have been self-inflicted, but it was enough to convince the state's attorney to press charges. We were actually supposed to testify on her behalf, but she didn't show up to court and the state dropped the charges. Also, for what it's worth, we got her into a self defense class that my husband's friend teaches and he said that, based on her reactions to the instruction and simulated sparring, she has all the tell tale signs of someone who has been beaten. Although, it's entirely possible that she's just a really good actress.

Here's what I don't know. Was her husband the mastermind of this whole thing? Were WH and I just a mark from the beginning? Or did OW simply start working for us and then see us as her meal ticket and an exit from her husband? I will probably never know the whole truth on that part. Around the time the affair started is when I also started to see she was manipulating us for money, and I thought WH was generally on the same page, if more of a bleeding heart that I was. But by that point, the sex had already started and he was not focused on the red flags.

Regarding WH's work to become a safe partner, he's doing all the things that our MC has recommended. When he goes somewhere (the gym, the grocery store), he tells me when he's going to be home and makes sure he's not late. When he travels for work, he shares his calendar and video chats with me from his hotel. For the first week or so after D Day when I could barely get out of bed, he took care of everything related to the kids and the house, and didn't push me on anything. He has answered all my questions, although some of the answers are not to my satisfaction. But our MC says it's normal for me not to be satisfied by some of his explanations, simply because I don't see it the same way. He is also going to IC, which he was adamantly against doing in the past. At our MC's recommendation, we have been holding hands and saying "good morning" and "good night" as the first and last things we do each day, to set the tone for the day. Sometimes it feels forced, but he's been sticking to that. To be honest, I need more, but I'm not sure what. The video calls and texts from trips are helpful, but he did those the first time around, while the affair was happening. So that doesn't really give me an assurance of overall honesty, even if it does prove he is where he says he is. I am going to bring this up at MC, but I am open to suggestions.

Google polygraph administrators in your area. Find one, and read their reviews.

I say he is still lying because the things he's told you don't sound true. Those of us who have been here awhile recognize patterns. Cheaters aren't very original. So much so,we joke about there being a cheaters handbook. While in MC,he was cheating. He didn't consciously intend for the affair to continue? That's not true. Otherwise it wouldn't have continued. He's lied to you,for a very long time. He is comfortable with it. The affair lasted for months, but he's said they had sex a handful of times. That's not believable. Married men don't have affairs to exchange texts,or make phone calls. They're in it for the sex.

There are several things he should be doing. At minimum..

Fully transparent. You get full access to all accounts, including the phone. All passwords.

IC.

Tested for stds.

Accountable for his time when away.

Answers all questions honestly, without anger and defensiveness.

And anything else you need to feels safe.

Things you should be doing...

Eat,sleep,be kind to yourself.

Std testing.

See an attorney. Find out your rights

.

Schedule a polygraph.

Consider if it's too soon for MC. The marriage didn't cheat,he did. It seems like you feel pressure to be loving and kind to him,and that's not ok. It's ok to be angry. All BS go through an anger phase. It's an important phase. You need to allow it to come.

Watch his actions. His words mean nothing.

Do not share this site with him.

It's nice that he's helping around the house, and with the kids more. None of that is the work he needs to be doing. It's simply being an adult with a wife and children.

[This message edited by HellFire at 12:46 AM, Wednesday, November 2nd]

Thank you for the helpful messages, everyone. RealityBlows, when you talk about a Lifetime movie, are you suggesting I should be concerned that OW or her husband might murder us? I will admit this has crossed my mind, but I don't know what to do, other than move out of state and change our identities, which seems unrealistic. I brought it up with WH. He didn't dismiss it as a crazy notion, but he is not worried because he thinks she/they are mainly petty criminals who are just in it for the money. Once the money stream dried up, they moved on to their next victims. (Not sure how much I value his insight on it at this point since he has exercised abysmally poor judgment in the recent past, but I do agree that the escalation from con artist to murderer is fairly extreme. And the abusive husband is already on the radar of the state's attorney, so I would think he'd want to steer clear.) OW and her husband are in the process of getting a divorce, in case that is relevant. I am ordering a Ring doorbell though.

I do have OW's attorney's contact info because of the DV trial, and I have thought about contacting her, although I don't know what I would say. We can't prove theft of cash. (My youngest was going through a "throwing things away" phase at the time, and we figured that's what happened to WH's wallet. When nothing was charged to any of his missing cards, we assumed we must be right.) About a month after she started working for us, I had almost $1,000 in fraudulent credit card charges over the course of about six weeks. But we knew multiple people who had that happen earlier in the year and heard that type of theft was increasing during the pandemic, so we never even considered it might be someone we know. Bank refunded all charges.

WH has gone no contact and we have both blocked her from our devices and social media accounts. After he came clean, she made good on her threat to tell me, and texted me from a friend's phone to confess to the affair. I replied only to say, "Stay away from my family and do not contact me again." I don't know if she's tried to text again since we blocked her, but she has not tried to email and has not tried to contact either of us from other numbers. So we have no grounds for an order of protection or anything like that. When you say a step or three further, is that what you mean? I have thought about talking to the police about my concerns, but I don't think there's much they could do.

For what it's worth, I've discreetly asked the kids if they remember her, liked her, etc. They have all positive things to say and haven't acted weird about her or anything, so I'm relieved to say I don't think she ever did anything to hurt them. But it kills me that such a person spent so much time with them.

Your husband never would’ve confessed if OW hadn’t tried to extort him and if you weren’t suspicious of his relationship with her prior to her exposing the affair. He’s not motivated by guilt or remorse; he got caught and he’s trying to mitigate the damage.

I’m skeptical of his claim that the affair only started after she was no longer employed by you. He’s probably lying about the timeline because he thinks that you will be less hurt or angry than if you knew that he was sleeping with another woman under your roof.

As for practical advice:

-I think it’s way too soon for you to be considering reconciliation, which isn’t possible unless you get all the facts. I think you should give him one chance—and one chance only— to tell you EVERYTHING and to back up his version of events with as much evidence as he can produce from recovered text messages, emails, calendar dates, photos, etc. Make it clear to him that if you find out anything new after the fact— be it tomorrow or years from now— that the marriage is over. Be sure to follow through on that.

-Stop going to marriage counseling with him. He has been using MC as a way to manipulate and gaslight you. You need to get your own individual counselor as soon as possible.

-Get tested for STDs. Don’t have sex with him until you can get a follow up exam 6 months from now.

-Go through your finances with a fine tooth comb. Run credit checks on yourself and your husband. Make your husband account for every penny that comes in and out.

-Consult with a lawyer to so you can get a sense of what your situation would be if you divorced and get your ducks in a row.

HellFire, thank you again for your helpful feedback.

As for transparency, I have access to all his accounts and devices. I always did, I just never had any reason to spy. I only used them to go through our monthly spending habits, and normal things spouses would share. Apparently, most of his contact with her was through a special app, but he always deleted their communication immediately and has since uninstalled the app. So, very conveniently, I can't see any of their past communication. Although that may be better for my mental health anyway.

He is being accountable for his time away, sometimes more than necessary. But I appreciate it.

I tested negative for everything tested through a urine test, and I am awaiting test results for a blood test I took today. He insists he's negative for everything because he had a urine test when he had a prostate exam and a blood test when he donated blood. However, seeing as I have no record of any of that, I insisted that he take a full panel STD test, and he has an appointment scheduled.

We are both in IC. This week has been a little hard for me because my therapist has covid and had to postpone.

He answers all my questions, but I don't know how to tell if he's being honest. Our MC suggested we set aside specific times to talk about my questions related to the affair. When I stick to that, he doesn't get angry or defensive. Admittedly, I have sometimes bombarded him with questions as soon as he walks in the door, and he does get frustrated then. Although he consistently comes back and apologizes those times and acknowledges that I am still in the early stages of processing everything.

I haven't spoken to an attorney, but I have done some research on divorce. We live in a no fault state where adultery has no bearing on division of assets, custody, etc.

I did want to ask why you suggest not telling him about this site. Before reading that, I was thinking about sharing this thread during MC to go through some of the points that other people have brought up. While I don't necessarily need to do that and share all the details, keeping it a secret seems hypocritical when I'm demanding full transparency from him. I have seen other posts about not sharing the site, so obviously there are others who feel the same as you. Can you explain why?

I don't feel like it's too early for MC because that hour each week really helps me talk through things and ask questions in a safe space, with someone else moderating. It might be too early to commit to reconciling though. We agreed that, even if we split up, we would continue going to counseling to help us navigate the changes with the least additional harm possible, especially for the kids. (They are too young to know what's going on, although they have noticed I am sad a lot.)

I don't feel like it's too early for MC because that hour each week really helps me talk through things and ask questions in a safe space, with someone else moderating. It might be too early to commit to reconciling though.

Correct on the second part.

MC is for when a relationship seems a bit shaky. The thing in betrayal is that the person who betrays is not properly functioning. So, he/she needs to adress that and get to the "why" that is. Nothing you do or did not do made him cheat on you. It is on him. So he needs to be accountable for that and himself search the "whys" through IC.

You need a safe spot. A step back. All the truth and confirmation through ACTIONS and not words that your husband is willing to do what whatever it takes to "fix" himself and to try to save the marriage.

Anything else is already explained above.

Stay strong. Step back. Look for the ACTIONS and not the words.

You will be ok.

[This message edited by justanotherperson at 2:52 AM, Wednesday, November 2nd]

I felt the same way, just a general discomfort with not sharing what I was doing online. I just like being an open book. I don't have anything to hide, so I hide nothing. But there's a difference between hiding things and having support that's just for you.

I think it's wise to keep this site to yourself when you are still watching and waiting. My husband knows I go online, he knows I talk about affair stuff, but he doesn't know my user name or the names of the sites exactly. If you've visited Reddit then you can say, "Oh you know, Reddit and stuff" if your husband or the MC asks where you have been getting advice. That's not a lie, but it's not a direct link to read all your posts here either.

That said, you know your husband better than anyone. If you think you might wind up getting divorced and/or he might become adversarial, then I definitely wouldn't lead him here. But if you think he's going to be a fairly good guy no matter what happens with your marriage, then there's probably no harm and even some potential benefit in sharing it (sometimes waywards and betrayeds both post here).

As for your questions, I had the same question . . . am I crazy/an idiot for giving him a chance? What I did was tell my sister and best friend and ask them this question. They know me, they know him. My instinct was to stay but I wanted to make sure I wasn't blind to something obvious. Have you gotten some in person support? It's good to have a person or two who can be a touch stone.

The thing is, you don't have to know if you'll want to reconcile tomorrow or next month or next year. You can take things one day at a time. You can also take steps to separate and then reconcile. Just know that you will gain more clarity each day and you have the instincts to make the right decisions when the time comes. I know you have young children (I did too on DDay). I know that is a huge factor. Again, you don't have to make any big decisions today. You can move towards R and view it as hoping for the best while you also prepare for the worst. Because the truth is that you don't have any control over whether he does what he needs to do to be a safe partner. But it's certainly possible that he will, and it's OK to give him a chance if you want to.

Bluer, thank you for your insights. I tend to agree with you that WH would not have come clean if his hand wasn't forced. That said, he did admit that his original plan when he ended things in February was to bury it and hope I never found out. Then, this summer, he had a heart to heart with our neighbor who was dying after a long battle with cancer. (He has since passed away.) WH said this made him reevaluate things and he decided he wanted to come clean. It may be naive to believe that, but I do remember him having the conversation, and shortly thereafter, he broke down and apologized to me for not putting me first, not taking care of himself as he should, and a number of other things. I remember thinking at the time that it seemed like a major overreaction for the things he was talking about, but I accepted it. Once he came clean for real, I asked him about that time, and he said he was trying to come clean then but chickened out. So, who knows. But again, I'm inclined to believe he would have buried it forever if he could.

As for the timeline of events, it pains me, but I do keep thinking more might have happened in our house. I don't think it could have been much, simply because we were working from home during the pandemic and they were never there alone because we essentially never went anywhere. That said, I do think it's possible he brought her back to our house when I wasn't home, after she was no longer working for us and I was traveling for work again. He did admit to meeting with her when I took the kids to visit my parents one time, but he said it was at a hotel. For what it's worth, our neighbors knew all the drama surrounding her leaving her husband (but not about the affair), and I think someone would have said something if they saw her there. (Not necessarily in a suspicious way, just like, "Oh God, what's she doing back again?")

The other reason I think the timeline is reasonably accurate is because when OW texted to make good on her threat after WH came clean, she said, "I need to come clean about an 8 month affair with WH." That aligns with what he told me about when it started and ended, as well as my initial suspicions about when it started. Obviously, I don't trust her as far as I can throw her, but if her motivation was to punish him for not caving to her blackmail threats, she would have no incentive to shorten the timeframe of the affair for my benefit. Not saying it makes it true, just one of the many things I have overanalyzed 800 times in the last few weeks.

I like your suggestion about insisting on having all the truth out now, so it doesn't come out in pieces down the line. I have sort of talked about that, but I haven't given an ultimatum about ending the marriage if something comes out later, after he has said he's told me everything. I think I will do that.

Regarding MC, I also have concerns about the fact that he lied during our time there before. Just to clarify, we are now seeing a new MC. The old one retired months ago, and we stopped going at that time. I have been in IC for several years for general anxiety, and it was actually my IC who recommended the new MC. I voiced my concerns about the whole process because of the bad experience last time, so she's aware of that and addressing it. The doesn't make me less concerned, but I like that she knows what he did last time. If I'm being honest, I have some pent up anger at our old therapist for believing all his BS. I know that's really not fair, but I feel like her job is to read people in these situations and she totally let him gaslight both of us. But that's another issue.

As for sex. Six months seems like a really long time, assuming we go the reconciliation route. Obviously, if we end up getting divorced, that's another story. We had unprotected sex for nearly a year and a half before he came clean. I know some STDs can be symptom free for that long, but assuming my blood tests come back negative tomorrow, I feel comfortable that I am safe medically. We agreed to do a follow up test in 6 months, regardless of where we are in our marriage. Why do you suggest waiting 6 months? I have heard some experts suggest 30, 60, and 90 days. (Obviously, it depends what you are comfortable with, but I haven't read anything about mandating that long of a wait. Curious as to how you arrived at that.)

I go through our finances regularly. I'm the one that handles most of the money stuff in our house. Always have been. From what I can tell, he's being honest when he says he only paid her one time secretly. (He had an Apple Pay account that he was mainly using to pay down an interest free computer deal, so I only checked outgoing payments from his checking account to the Apple account each month, rather than checking the Apple account itself. Apparently, you can also transfer money directly from there, so that's what he did, but I didn't see it because it just became part of the balance he was paying off over time. That all tracks, now that I have access.) The other payments I knew about, and we argued about at the time, but those were over a year ago. According to him, that's why he thinks her long game was blackmailing him to keep me in the dark, since he wasn't giving her money regularly during the affair. He says she paid for the hotels where they met, which begs the question - if she so desperately needed our money to afford food, how did she suddenly come up with cash for a hotel? I asked him how he could have possibly had the wool pulled over his eyes so as not to question that, and he didn't have a good answer.

Justanotherperson, I appreciate your thoughts and encouragement. What you are saying makes a lot of sense.

OK, I think that's all I have in me for today. Thank you everyone.

BarelyHoldingItTogether just a side note Polygraphs are not fully accurate. some people actually know how to beat them. I know that Is hard to believe, but that's why I have not given my husband one.

RealityBlows, when you talk about a Lifetime movie, are you suggesting I should be concerned that OW or her husband might murder us?

Well, that’s one very extreme Lifetime-esque outcome, but not what I was eluding to. I was eluding to the range of risk that has no limits when you maintain contact with relative strangers who are obviously very troubled and have already demonstrated criminal and violent (the OBS) behaviors.

I would not try and notify the OBS. I would take NC a step or three further than what we usually advise in a typical cheating scenario. I would put as much distance between you-all and them as necessary and yes, a protective order if necessary. From what you just advised, that doesn’t currently sound necessary. If the OBS has been violent towards her, imagine what he might be capable of, with knowledge of the affair, towards your WH.

Perhaps I’m being a bit melodramatic, but those two (AP/OBS) should be giving you the creeps. Does she have keys to your house? Did she ever have keys to your house? Has your credit been locked down?

Before you get too focused on saving the marriage, I would just make sure you have taken proper precautions to ensure safety and security of the family, first.

You seem pretty savvy and intelligent, but you’re impaired by incredible heart break and your husband is desperately trying to save his ass. I just want to make sure safety and security has been paid its due attention.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 8:59 AM, Wednesday, November 2nd]

He betrayed you more than twice.
When she started flirting with him and he didn't tell you.
When he flirted back.
When he lied to you about where he was going.
When he lied by omission by not telling you there was a sneaky tramp in your house stealing what was yours.
When they kissed.
When they had sex the first time and every time after that.
When he kept her secrets from you, his wife.

Make no mistake, he was never going to tell you. That's just a pretty package he is using to hide his bs.

I know you want to believe him, but when you think about all the betrayals he happily inflicted on you, it should give you pause to wonder who this man really is.

It's not impossible to reconcile, but it is impossible to reconcile without complete honesty, and a ton of hard work.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Swmnbc, thank you for the supportive words. It's nice to hear some optimism. I definitely appreciate all the advice from various users as far as verifying the truth and protecting myself, but it's easy to start feeling hopeless reading all that and nothing else.

I haven't told anyone other than my therapist (and the doctor when I took my urine test because I started crying and felt the need to explain, so that was not the best day). I really want to talk to my best friend about it, but I am afraid she will never forgive him. Which is fine if we divorce (if that's the case, I'm sure I will tell her). But if we reconcile, I don't want my best friend (or my family) to hate him. And that makes it really hard because, as a girl, I feel like the one thing you are supposed to be able to count on when a boy hurts you is the fact that you can commiserate with your girlfriends and get that support. And that's one more thing he's taken from me.

Regarding becoming adversarial in a divorce, I'm honestly not sure. Before this, I would have said that if we ever split, we would do it amicably for the sake of the kids. But before this, I also would have said he'd never cheat. Even when I was suspicious, I kept telling myself, "I don't trust her, but WH would never do something like that, so I don't really need to be worried." Obviously, I was wrong about that, so I don't know how a divorce would go.

RealityBlows, I admit I'm relieved you weren't thinking about murder. I tend to catastrophize a bit, especially when I'm stressed. I don't think you are being melodramatic. They do give me the creeps and I want to stay as far away from them as possible. (That feeling alternates with wanting to claw her eyes out, but I digress.) She never had a key to our house, thankfully. She did have the garage code, which we've changed. We both check out credit scores regularly, but didn't think about locking our credit. Why would you recommend that? (Note that nothing amiss has shown up on either of our scores and we haven't had any suspicious charges on our cards.)

FunHouseMirror, I think you and I are on the same page about the betrayals. Probably just semantics, but I think of the betrayals as the underlying affair and false reconciliation, and all the other things you mention as "supporting lies." He and I have already had that discussion more than once and I need him to understand that it's NOT just one lie. It's a hundred lies to cover up the big lie, and it's a lie every single time he had the opportunity to choose the truth and didn't. Our MC suggested I write an angry letter to him, which I am still working on. In it, I list all of your points and more, "Every time you did x, every time you didn't do y, etc." I want to really spell it out.

Thank you all for your feedback.

I'm sorry your WH has brought this woman into your life in this way. I agree with RealityBlows about the Lifetime movie scary aspects. If AP was in your house, she may have had access to enough documents to commit identity theft. I would also take precautions with your children. Have you considered telling them in an age-appropriate way that she's a bad person and they shouldn't speak to her or go anywhere with her? Maybe also telling neighbors, family, and close friends that you've discovered criminal behavior and would not under any condition want her near your house or children?

This is awful.

BarelyHoldingItTogether -

I'm really sorry for what you're going through. I'm not a big proponent of reconciliation but I am not going to discourage you. To answer your question as to why you shouldn't inform him about this site, it's because you need a safe space. You've decided to sacrifice the support of your friends and family, to your own detriment, to protect him (which I vehemently recommend against, your husband should feel that shame and experience those consequences. Without consequences, what's to deter him from doing it again? Certainly not love for you or his family otherwise he wouldn't have cheated in the first place.) So what else are you going to let him take from you? More, you want your husband to do the work on his own. If you tell him about SI, it's like giving him a cheat code. You're giving him full access to your thoughts. Several betrayed spouses who have shared SI with their cheating spouse have learned afterwards that their cheaters used what the betrayed spouse posted to manipulate them. Sometimes a cheater will read your thread and then tailor their behavior to what they read you say you need, so it's not genuine, it's an act, more fraudulence. Please don't tell him about SI, at least not now, further down the road when it's safer for you. Cheaters have also used disclosures their betrayed spouses have made against the betrayed spouse in divorces. Additionally, he's still big time lying, he didn't take up with her for her superb conversational skills, he diddled her way more than 5X's in 8 months. Probably gave her more money than he's admitted to, and gifts as well. I'm rooting for you to get out of infidelity, whether that means you have to leave him, or he puts in the herculean effort to change his entire core character and become a safe spouse.

The above post explains why you shouldn't share this site with him.

As to polygraphs not being beat... sociopath that believes their own lies can pass one. It's not as easy for an average person. A great many BS have used a polygraph here. Most are quite satisfied with the results. Every time their WS failed, they eventually learned it was because they were still lying. A polygraph is a useful tool in the betrayed spouse's pocket. It often results in a parking lot confession. Meaning,before the test, the WS admits to more, hoping they can avoid the test. Always follow through with the test,regardless.

Many people employ the services of polygraph administrators. Not just police officers. From fortune 500 companies, to BS. It's not like Maury Povich. A reputable administrator is often a retired law enforcement officer, quite skilled in what they do.

A polygraph is a lot more trustworthy than a freshly caught cheater.

BarelyHoldingItTogether,

Reconciliation is not for the faint hearted. It is possible. Alot of couples have successfully reconciled and some have tried and even parted years later. I am more than 5 years out and I have 2 small children. The thoughts never leave you. They decrease over time but you will have moments of weakness but eventually you get on with your day and forget about those thoughts. For some people they have managed to successfully reconcile where they do not think about their WH Affair and they are immensely happy in their lives. For someone like me the A was a huge deal. My WH was my first everything and I have not experienced any kind of betrayal or heartbreak before or even a close family death so I found it extremely difficult to deal with these kind of feelings. I have had IC which has helped me so much and I no longer have anxiety or panic attacks however if I dwell too much into the past then the feeling of depression can take over. All im saying is that you have long road to recovery but reconciliation is definitely possible.

Furthermore, I do agree with most of the other posts. Cheaters lie and they lie and they lie. Your WH is lying. He is following the 'cheaters handbook', deleting his communication with her through the special app (my WH also had an app) and he is covering his tracks not to further hurt you. He only had sex 5 times in 8 months? Do not believe this. I think my WH said it only happened a couple of times in 6 months. Absolutely no way. Eventually the truth did come out and Im not going to even mention the number of times because it was no way near couple of times. So please trust that 5x in 8 months is a lie. Sex becomes like a drug to them where they will be addicted and will continuously look for that 'quick fix'. Its something new and exciting and they are too selfish to even think about the consequences. So even the epiphany is a lie. It was because AP was extorting him for more money and threatening to tell you. If you read others posts you will also find there is a pattern with these cheaters. They will lie and lie and lie. If you really want to find out the truth you can always threaten him that you will ask AP how many times they had sex. Maybe then you will find out the number of times they actually did. Also most likely they did use the house as you will find when you read others posts that every opportunity they found they would have taken advantage of it.

I know you want to believe that he is telling the truth but trust us when we say he is not. You will not get the truth first time around. If you ask him the same questions again the story may change and the number of times they met up for 'coffee' will also change. Make a note of it somewhere because most likely he has forgotten the stories he first told you about when they met, where they met etc. You cannot reconcile until you have the whole truth and even then you may not have the whole trueth. Furthermore, the impact of mental health due to an infidelity is absolutely devastating. Please look after yourself and take of yout health and well being and most important those two little babies of years. Their smiles and giggles will get you through the dark days.