SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've been with my partner for almost 7 years and we have a 5 year old together. Since COVID he's developed a spiraling porn addiction. Before, I never cared about him watching porn, but I did say that I considered one-on-one contact such as on OnlyFans to be cheating. He claims he doesn't remember me saying that.
Last week, I found he had profiles on OnlyFans and FetLife where he has been messaging multiple women. There was only one explicit conversation and I'm 99% sure he's never actually done anything with anyone else IRL. But I feel so betrayed and my trust has been shattered.
We are trying to work through this and there have been lots of positive steps, but it's just so hard not to always feel paranoid. Now when I see him on the computer or on his phone, I just feel sick to my stomach. I've always felt like I could completely trust him and I feel like a fool.
What's it like to build trust back after something like this? I almost feel silly asking this because he never physically cheated, but I'm still so hurt. What are the first steps?

Porn addiction is serious because the need is now consuming him. He needs intervention. Look for SA therapists in your area. He also needs group therapy to hold him accountable.

Men who have a partner at home,don't tend to get involved with other women,and keep it strictly online. They're not in it for pics and sexting. They're in it for the sex.

What work is he doing to become a safe partner?

What consequences has he had?

Have you set any requirements for you to consider attempting reconciliation? They should be,at minimum..

Full transparency. You get full access to all accounts, including the phone. All passwords.

Std testing.

He answers all questions without anger or defensiveness.

IC to help with the porn addiction.

A polygraph. You need a foundation of truth,before you continue.

The problem with porn, especially when it becomes an ingrained habit, is that it rewires the users brain. You can read up on it. It impacts relationships because the user has rewired their brain in ways that don't translate well to real life partners. It's easier, stress free, completely self involved, fantasy etc. Read up on it. It often escalates when the fantasy no longer provides the escape the user is looking for. He is on a dangerous path.

So the issue here is him. What he is seeking with these interactions and how it might have rewired his brain to need that versus a real life person.

He needs IC to find out why he'd rather sit in a dark room alone and engage sexually with other woman versus his partner.

The big issue for you is that he crossed a boundary you set. His "I don't remember" is not only bullshit but insulting. Engaging with online sex partners is a no-go in almost every marriage. If he thought it was ok, he wouldn't have hidden it. "Hey honey, I met this hot girl online who wants to perform for me. Care to join?" Did that convo happen? No. He knew he was betraying you. He didn't care. His needs outmatched his feelings for you.

So your trust is low as it should be.

All you can do is set your boundaries of what is and is not acceptable for you. He needs to work on whatever inner demon drives him to risk everything for some girl pretending to desire him so she can get paid.

You do have the right to feel safe. And right now that may involve more boundaries than normal. You should have access to his computer and phone. It's perfectly reasonable that his staring at his phone hurts you. That's what he used to break your heart. Think about what you need to feel safer. Perhaps it's much less phone or computer time. Right now he should be focused on you.

You should focus on you too. You didn't do one thing to deserve his betrayal. He has issues and they are his to solve. His betrayal says so much more about him than you. But he has to fix him. He has to want this relationship more than he wants some ego kibbles he has to pay for. If he doesn't (and his actions will show you this, not his words), then you have nothing to work with here.

[This message edited by TheEnd at 10:46 PM, Monday, November 14th]

Be very very careful here.

My husband and I had a rough 2 years and he started using daily porn to soothe himself as a result of our lack of intimacy, but that ignited a rapid downward spiral into online chats, dating/hook up sites, and eventually led into escort sites and sugar baby sites. (Yes, he did cross the line with escorts and even arranged a sugar baby for himself for his "work travel").
I never considered porn or strip clubs to be cheating, but it can become a channel that leads to boundaries being crossed.

I highly recommend listening to some podcasts that explain how porn affects those who are addicted to it and how it changes their perceptions and relationships without them ever even knowing it.

UnFAITHFUL: redeeming infidelity - Pornography - Part 1&2
Healing Broken Trust in your Marriage - Episode 51
Beyond Infidelity: Healing & Moving Past Betrayal - Episode 3
Lets talk about Love & Sex & Infidelity by Todd Creager - Episode 94