SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I took a look in husbands phone found snapchat msg from his coworker who he says is a married lesbian female. It wasn’t anything sexual just "friendly" asking him how vacation was going. (He had just started vacation 2 hours before this message)
I see there’s a "best friend" award next to her name it’s what snapchat app gives to people you message each other the most on Snapchat app.
This woman is married and has kids from previous relationships with men so does her wife. They have been coworkers for about 3 months. She is very feminine looking but her wife is masculine.
I told him I found this and asked questions. I’m not sure what else to do. I feel like this is cheating and given his history it’s either something beginning or has already started.
Im 39 hes 43 and other woman is about same age. We have 2 teens and one 8 year old.
Have been married about 20 years.

Not sure what to do or even how to act. Any input is appreciated.

Well, we do have a member with a serial cheater whose latest AP was a lesbian. She caught them having sex.

Do you feel your WH's relationship with her is crossing boundaries? If so, speak up. With the past history of cheating (your start date is 2008), you'll need to decide.

May I suggest you watch some YouTube videos by Dr. Ramani on trauma bonding? It might help you understand why you feel the need to stay in the relationship.

Thank You Leafields
This woman wasn’t always lesbian she has 3 biological children with male partners.
At this point nothing would surprise me from him. I feel numb about some things. My reaction is so calm this time compared to 2008.
I did tell him what I think and how this bothers me. He just says he has nothing to hide and that I have access to everything all passwords etc. Something still doesn’t feel right. I don’t know if it’s because of his past with a coworker or because it’s on a weird app like snapchat.
Im familiar with dr ramani I Watch her videos. I gave it another chance because my children were little 3 year old baby and newborn at the time. I was working but it wasn’t enough I also got a taste of coparenting when we were separated. Coparenting with him was a nightmare. Now I’m not sure what to do or what to tell him to do, if I should wait. Now I’m just waiting and trying to not let this bother me too much.

I think my past from 2008 when I joined is on my profile. It’s a long story but he was also exchanging messages with female coworkers. One in particular who I know he had at least an emotional affair with.
At that time we had been together about 7 years I was pregnant and we already had a 3 yr old.

I assume, based on her history, that she’s bisexual rather than just lesbian. If that’s the case then there might be an affair brewing right under your nose. Your husband doesn’t have a good track record because men who cheat when the wife is pregnant or the mother of a newborn is pretty worthless as far as I’m concerned.

Be a detective. Go underground. If he is at it again then that is who he is. You need to know.

After my fWH's infidelity, opposite sex friendships are a boundary. I don't care if anyone thinks that's unfair. It's my life and my boundary. I'm not going to have other people usurping my place in this relationship, and one of the functions of the primary relationship is to have that "best friend" kind of companionship. I'm not saying that people shouldn't have other friends, but certainly no friend should be more emotionally intimate with your spouse than you.

If you had no indicators that this "friendship" was happening, and it sounds like you didn't, there's only one reason he would have hidden or minimized it, and that's because he knew you wouldn't approve. The best indicator of an EA is if your spouse is saying or doing things that he wouldn't if you were standing right next to him.

I very much doubt that if you had been the one caught in a "friendship" that your husband had no idea you were involved in, or to the extent you were involved, that he would be quite so sanguine, particularly not if you had a history of it. Where are his boundaries? He should have some after what he's already put you through.

Long and short, I do think it's okay for you to raise some hell over this. He's had his one chance already and right now, he's acting like he didn't learn anything from it.

I did tell him what I think and how this bothers me. He just says he has nothing to hide and that I have access to everything all passwords etc. Something still doesn’t feel right. I don’t know if it’s because of his past with a coworker or because it’s on a weird app like snapchat.

I’m sorry you had to return with a new discovery. Just some things to keep in mind, your gut is telling you something, believe it. My WW also tried to tell me she wasn’t hiding anything, because I found it, this is a wayward response. Snapchat is a cheater app, it is never allowed on her phone again.

He just says he has nothing to hide and that I have access to everything all passwords etc.

In that case, what's he doing on snapchat where messages auto-delete? You can recover them though.

In any case, this woman may be a snapchat "best friend", she is not a friend to your marriage. He's on vacation and she's keeping up with his every moment. You actually do know how you feel about it: you are uneasy and trying to articulate that in a way that will get his attention. That in itself is a sign that the whole situation is messed up.

He had mentioned that some new people had started working with him and told me a little about them that they were lesbian hardworking etc. But nothing too personal about them. Some other stupid things he has said is that he had to go to snapchat to communicate about work 🙄 because like 10 years ago before all this I made a big stink about a girl he worked with and was texting about work. Schedule stuff like that.(It was nothing suggestive or sexual it just made me feel uncomfortable)
He told me he that it’s all work stuff they snapchat 🙄 because it’s easier than going all the way to the other side and tell the person what’s going on the other side 🤦‍♀️.
I don’t believe.
He said "if you don’t believe me call her". I won’t be doing that.
That I could take his phone and check everything. I did that that’s what started all this.
That he wants to be totally transparent with me.
That I can FaceTime whenever I want, drop him off pick him up. Take his phone.
I feel like asking him for anything will just make him find a way to go around whatever I ask and be sneaky.
Like if I ask him to delete Snapchat then he will probably just remove it while I’m around then add it when he’s at work so they can keep communicate.
When I brought up how stupid of him it was to have Snapchat before like 3 years ago he said he has to his because that’s where all his family communicates. His sister and nieces and brother in law. His sister is a big cheater the brother in law too.

This person and him have only worked together like 4 months. But he has had Snapchat for a few years.

After my fWH's infidelity, opposite sex friendships are a boundary. I don't care if anyone thinks that's unfair. It's my life and my boundary. I'm not going to have other people usurping my place in this relationship, and one of the functions of the primary relationship is to have that "best friend" kind of companionship. I'm not saying that people shouldn't have other friends, but certainly no friend should be more emotionally intimate with your spouse than you.

This^^^^^

The bottom line is that he did not have appropriate boundaries 8 year ago. This would preclude "friendships" with other women in my book. If he was truly remorseful, he would understand that this relationship would be uncomfortable for you and he would not have encouraged it. He would also be empathetic to your feelings and let this woman know that he cannot have a friendship with her. It does not matter what her sexuality is, it matters that you are uncomfortable with the contact. I agree that it is suspicious. He has not willingly let you know about his "best friend". If he wants to remain married, there are dealbreakers/boundaries that he needs to comply with. His own behavior has made these necessary.

Trust your gut.

Think about the circular logic he’s using, I had to hide it because I knew you wouldn’t approve. He’s delusional

Yes he is cheating. You know it. He knows it.

Yes he’s disrespectful to you and your marriage. He has done this in the past and chooses to do it again.

He’s not going to change. His actions prove that.

Sadly what you do with this information is up to you. I’m not saying you have to D him, but I’m not saying you have to R with this hanging over your head.

If you value monogamy and transparency, sadly your H does not have those characteristics or appear to value them either.

I doubt counseling will work for him, but I think could be helpful for you. It will help you to explore your options and what is best for you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:22 PM, Sunday, December 18th]

Just b/c he says she’s a lesbian — doesn’t mean it’s true. I’m
Just saying — he’s not the mist trustworthy person.

"Best Friend" is a snapchat award that you get when you message someone more than others. It’s not an actual best friend. He doesn’t claim she’s his best friend. These 2 met about 4 months ago at work and became snapchat friends in November.
And yes opposite sex best friends are a NO.
I know we have to communicate with coworkers sometimes. I’m not unreasonable with that. He could have texted or even called but snapchat seems too sneaky.
This just seems suspicious and she watches all his stories that have nothing g to do with work. And sent him messages outside of work hours asking him how his vacation was going.
I think him emphasizing that she’s lesbian and married to a woman (which she might not even be lesbian she might be bi) is a way for him to mislead me to think that they could never be interested in each other. 🙄

I agree he is trying to mislead you.

I also think the contact while he’s a few hours into vacation is unwarranted. She may have NO interest in your H, but he’s shady and was not honest about her.

He did not tell you she’s a "friend". You found out via other means.

The facts are what they are. You are not wrong in how you feel. He disrespected you, lied to you and is having a secret "friendship" (AKA emotional affair).

Like a typical cheater, he’s lying to excuse his behavior. He’s blaming you. He’s not taking any responsibility for his behavior.

To me, 🚩🚩🚩

Thank you everyone for your input. Nothing about this incident is ok with me. But we live together I brought up all my concerns to him and he says he’s willing to do anything I ask. I’m just not sure what to ask other than stop being inappropriate. I feel like when people want to cheat or do anything weird they find a way. I’m not sure what to do next. I’m just looking into everything right now. I want to be prepared for anything that might happen since people can be so unpredictable when they are having affairs.
I called an attorney last week just to know my rights an all options. I don’t know what else to do. I can’t follow him everywhere or be his shadow. 😞

I’m sorry but I’m going to disagree with your approach. The lying cheating coward is now asking you to tell him what to do.

If you neglect to say "no secret apps in your phone" he will use any loophole to get around it. If he tells you he has Snapchat (as an example) he will use that app to conduct his next Affair.

Just like "she’s a lesbian" absolves him of any wrongdoing in his mind. If she’s not into men and there’s no sex, in his mind it’s not an affair.

I suggest you tell him that he needs to tell you what he is going to do. And then he does it. Stop being his boss and leading him down the R path. Make him take the lead do you can see EXACTLY what he is made if and what he is willing to commit to.

If he’s smart enough to cheat, he’s smart enough to figure out how to fix this. And if he cannot figure it out, he’s just a lazy lying cheater who is willing to just coast through life doing the bare minimum to keep you satisfied and not D him.

You deserve better than that.

Someone said you can recover snap chat conversations. What about the pictures? I have Snapchat and I know the pics don't save unless you want them to. Lord know what pictures they are sending to eachogher...

My wh had an affair with a "lesbian"...after telling me there was nothing going on cause, she wasn't into men. Nope he was IN her. Literally.

There's no reason she should be asking him about his vacation either.

It just screams affair to me.

"There's no reason she should be asking him about his vacation either.

It just screams affair to me."

Right, that’s why I’m here.