SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, I am new to here or any social media. I hate social media, but... I am going to try this site...So, here I go...

For a couple months my wife and I have been on and off. First I thought it was life, I run a small company and she works a couple days a week (12 hour days). We have 3 kids, all under the age of 10.

So needless to say, life was stressful.

So my wife to relieve her stress would live at her gym. But it started to be more and more and something was off. This is not your normal gym... it has pools, a hotel and 3 floors of gym and a restaurant. It's a small city sort of.

Something in my gut told me something was off, but I wasnt sure if it was me, or what. But finally about 5 weeks ago I did something I have never done in my 13 years of marriage. I grabbed her phone while she was in the shower.

And all my fears came to life and hit smack square in the face. I still remember whatI was wearing and what I made for breakfast that day.

I found text under deleted-deleted text (Yes, if you have iPhone, when you delete it, it does not fully delete. You can go to top left corner and click on a drop down menu, and there is shows at the bottom 'recover deleted text').

Well, I found a text thread between my wife and he co worker and it was filled with all these selfies and text from a man I have never seen before. It was her telling he friend at work how crazy she is about this guy she met at the gym, so she sent screen shots and photos to her friend. (He is also married w two kids).

I then found love letters from him to her. then text and selfies... it just didnt stop. Apparently both had been talking about how crazy they are for each other and they didnt know what to do for months.

So here we are 5 weeks later and we are worse off than when I first found out.

I have lost 20 pounds and sleep MAYBE 3-4 hours a ngt. My company has suffered and my kids know something is wrong (not our infant though, of course).

We are seeking counseling and trying to move on. She swears she sorry and she does and says the right things MOST of the time. But she still defends the guys, like he was a good guy in an awful marriage. She also has never told me what they discussed or much else. She deflects, prob thinking I'll divorce her I guess if she's honest.

She then began to say she did this because our marriage wasnt great. Which I disagree to a point. We had issues, but I loved her and respected her. Gave her everything she wanted. She carried on the affair for at least 3 months (that I know of). I think it was more than 5 months...

I knew something was up when she got a boob job 8 months ago, then started buying tons of smaller and smaller work out attire, got in super good shape...then what finally set me off was when she would wear make up to work out.

She wanted this man and he wanted her. They did not give a crap about their families or what hornets nest would open.

The text I saw from her to her friend would send most into a deep depression. Which I maybe in myself, I don't know.

But I do know this, I am miserable and dying inside. We have tried to keep it together of the kids, but it's impossible at this point.

So, I have decided to step away for a couple months. A friend has a nice place on the beach that he never uses. So, I am staying home for Christmas, then heading out.

So here is my question, has anyone in here done this (where they took time away)? Where they found out, stayed and tried to make it work, then realized its going to take a massive amount of time, then come the conclusion that taking time away is not only a good health choice, but also time to clear your head? If you have, and you are already past the the point and returned home to make it tier and work.... how did it go? What should I expect?

Plus, I simply to not trust my wife one bit. So if I leave, maybe she'll want to be w the other guy or want me. I don't know, it's not a game... but I have no idea what she really wants in life.

So, any advice is welcomed.

Thank you for your time. This is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with in my life. The absolute hardest. My love for my wife has never wavered. Ever.

I forgot to add that she says it was just an emotional thing with this guy, and not sexual. I have no idea or proof that she slept w the guy. But, emotional affair is worse imo I think. But from the text I discovered, they were pretty darn close to sleeping together.

You are in the right place. You will get great advice here. At present, it does not sound like your wife is reconciliation material. It all has to start with her being open and fully truthful. Until she is, you have no chance. She must also be 100$ no contact with her affair partner. Speaking of whom, you should find his wife and tell her what has been going on. Keep posting here.

@Ranger… thanks. I wish I could post the birthday/love letter he wrote her I found. It’s bananas.

She also says she’s being honest, but when she says she’s forget their conversations… we all know that’s bogus.

The other day I asked her, what did you talk about with this guy. She said, I honestly don’t remember.

Not buying that rubbish

She also says she’s being honest

First rule: WS lie.... a lot. This is because they prioritise the covering of their asses.

Second rule: Don't do the Pick-me-dance, it just humiliates yourself, and causes the wayward partner to lose respect for the betrayed.

Third rule: The onus of proof/work is on the wayward, not the betrayed.

Hey LS,

So sorry you find yourself in this situation. It’s one of the most difficult things you’ll ever go through, but with time, whether you reconcile or divorce, you will find peace and happiness again. It takes hard work and time either way, but you’re worth it.

My fWW also had a gym fling after 20 years of marriage. We went from a pretty normal, happy, teamwork kind of marriage centered around our two pre-teen sons, to her suddenly saying she found her voice, she loves everything about her life, but I’m the only thing that makes her unhappy. I was caught completely off guard and asked her to work on our marriage. She said she wasn’t interested. Apparently, telling me this gave her license to then have sex in a van in the gym parking lot with the guy she’d recently started chatting with. This went on for over a month, with her completely denying there was anyone else, and it was just that she didn’t love me anymore. Within 3 weeks she was telling this (married) guy that she loved him.

My main point here, is this stuff can come completely out of left field, knock your legs out from under you, and leave your head spinning. It’ll make you start to question everything, and wonder what is the truth and what is a fairy tale.

If your wife is truly committed to making it work, she’ll be nothing but completely honest, and an open book to any and all your questions. She’ll give you full access to her social media and phone/text records. If she’s truly remorseful (not just sad she got caught) she’ll do her best to comprehend the damage she did to her husband, and will do whatever it takes to heal this wound. If she is willing to do that, you’ll still have a long road ahead of you.

Bottom line…she messed up big time. If she believes that too, you’ll see her make the effort. If she doesn’t, and wants to minimize it by saying it was less than it appeared, or it was partially your fault because of XYZ, then you only stand to be further hurt and traumatized.

Read up on the 180, and take your cues from her behavior and the excellent, heartfelt advice many experienced people here will give you.

So sorry you’re suffering right now. You’re in my prayers.

Sorry you find yourself here but you will receive good support. Read in the healing library. Take care of you. Be there for your children. This is a special type of pain so eat healthy and exercise.

Your WW should write a no contact letter to the AP. She needs to answer your questions honestly and write out a timeline of her A with any details you require. It appears she wants to rugsweep her A, but that is a recipe for more future pain. She needs to address her brokenness that would allow her to betray her wedding vows. She needs to address her character flaws in IC. Nothing you did or didn’t do in your M caused her to cheat. You can’t control her. She cheated because she wanted to do it.

From your description of your wife’s actions, she was busy with three children, and you worked hard to provide her with everything she needed. She started feeling her age and looking for an escape from her routine and pursued this fantasy. This is no excuse for her betrayal but it is very common. That does not make it any less painful for you.

Always value yourself. If you need to take a break then do so. Just remember you will be on an emotional rollercoaster and you need to process the trauma inflicted on your life. Your WW should read How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by McDonald.

Good luck.

It is tough, but you will survive. Some things you need to do right away.

Get tested for STDs (if they had sex you can be sure it was unprotected). Cheaters lie and lie some more. You can't rely on her word there was no sex.

Find out if she is now pregnant.

Lawyer up. Find a good divorce lawyer who defends mostly men. Not saying to file for divorce, but Knowledge is Power. You need to know what a divorce or separation would look like for you if you decide to go that route.

You need to get into individual counseling for yourself. Forget marriage counseling for the time being. That is for later when you two have had a chance to heal. The Marriage Did Not Cheat... She Did. Marriage counseling if for the marriage only and most marriage counselors try to keep the marriage going, even when it shouldn't. That is how they make their money. Sometimes they BlameShift and try to pin some of the blame for the infidelity on the one betrayed. She had dozens of options to handle her unhappiness... unfortunately she decided to pour gasoline on the fire. She is 100% to blame for the affair. Don't let a counselor try to convince you otherwise.

If you try to make the marriage work she needs to provide you a complete Timeline of when she began to have attraction to him and became infatuated with him. You can decide what you want in the Timeline. Some betrayeds only want the PG version... others want the XXX version. Your choice, or you might even have her write out both types.

When she has completed the Timeline you should get her to read it out loud to you. That has a tendency to impress upon her the seriousness of her betrayal of you and her family.

As RocketRacoon said, do not do the "Pick-Me Dance". That only diminishes you in her eyes and makes you look like a simp to her. That will make her loose whatever respect she has left for you. I saw my brother do that and it was sickening to watch. Do not be a doormat that she wipes her feet on.

Stay with the 180 and Grey Rock her. This is for your benefit... not to try to manipulate her in any way. In her case where she keeps defending her AP... if this were me I would go for the Hard 180... not the soft version. This way you can gain some distance and try to get some clarity.

Go to your GP and get something to help you with sleep or take some Melatonin. You need your rest and your children need you to be at your best.

Others will be along and offer other advice.

Again, you will get through this and get out of infidelity. But it might be the hardest thing you have ever done.

You might hear and read some things that seem harsh, but everyone here has gone through this and is rooting for you and your children.

Best regards.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 3:40 AM, Wednesday, December 21st]

Please contact his wife. This might be his modus operandi.

Your wife cheated many times. It was probably sexual because you don’t tell a man you love him unless it is an affair. She got boobs for him. She lost weight for him.

If you leave she might leave but I think she is already gone emotionally.

Do not let this drag out. Your health depends on getting out of infidelity one way or another. Stress is a killer.

what did you talk about with this guy. She said, I honestly don’t remember.

She was talking to this guy for months. MONTHS. "But can't remember a damn thing". Nobody here believes that.

I think you're right it likely was about as bad as it could get if she won't tell you.

Your wife was the cliche of a cheating wife, wasn't she? Boob job then off to the gym in skimpy outfits.

Sounds like you love and care for your wife more than she does you. Not easy trying to get a cheater to love you.

One way or another I think you should see a lawyer. Your upcoming separation might just give you the clarity to end your marriage. Maybe not and you'll both decide to reconcile, but I think you should discuss things with a lawyer to get the lay of the land.

As others have recommended, inform the other mens' wives, and a no contact letter to them both. Of course you're going to be flying blind who she's talking to when you're separated.

You wrote you don't know where she stands in your marriage, and this is leaving a bit lost about carrying on. I think you need to talk to her and get this clarified, clear as a bell, you need her commitment. If you're not happy with her efforts to date to reconcile, tell her that, tell her it won't do. Does she want to be married or not? That would be a start.

First I am sorry you are facing this trauma. It really does stink!!!!

Second - the not sleeping will get better. For the first 90 days after Dday (discovery day of the affair) I slept maybe 45 minutes a night. No joke. My cheating H was snoring away sleeping soundly night after night without a care in the world. 😡

To your question about taking time for yourself. I think it is a fabulous idea. You need a mental break.

However you need to maintain normalcy for your children. So you need to give your wife your schedule as to when you will see your children. She needs to be invisible to you during those times. This is your time with your kids WITHOUT her.

This will give her an idea of what a D may look like. And you as well. Don’t be so available to her with texts and calls. In essence she has now changed your marriage dynamics and now is the rebuilding time. Whether you stay together or not, your marriage will never be the same and now is the start of the rebuild and/or repair.

You need clearly defined boundaries with her while you are living apart.

She needs to know that if you find out she’s been in contact with the OM or gone to that gym, the marriage is over.

You need to restore your power and have her know that her cheating was a choice — a very selfish choice. Cheaters LOVE to blame everyone & everything else for the affair. Just repeat to her — I am not to blame for your decision to cheat. You had plenty of other options if you were unhappy.

Best of luck to you. I think a separation is a good thing.

I’m sorry you’re here but you came up the right place and are among friends.

Your WW is lying, minimizing, trickle truthing, and hiding the truth from you, plain and simple. Whether you decide to R or D it’s up to you, but without the truth you have nothing to go on. Without the truth your WW has stolen your agency. Only your WW and her AP know the truth, and that cannot stand as is.

We just had a new poster in a very similar situation. His WW swore no sex but I, among others, was skeptical. The poster, however, refused to have his WW take a polygraph. He said what’s the point. Myself snd others begged him to do so. As a result, he let himself get into a place of limbo and uncertainty, where he was not happy to be.

Finally, after many many requests to do a poly he relented, and posted a report the other day expressing utmost relief. He still isn’t sure if he will R or D, but that’s not the point. The relief he expressed was in finally knowing the truth. And, by the way, his WW was truthful.

Take my advice snd after the holidays make her take a poly. After you receive the results, then make a decision whether to separate or not. Thus, my recommendation is not to make such an important decision in a vacuum. Wait until you have the truth.

Make her immediately write a detailed timeline, leaving nothing out. Tell her that this will be verified by a poly. If she refuses then she’s either lying or doesn’t really want to R, or both. If she wants R, she will jump at the chance to tell the truth and have it proven and verified as such.

LS
Found out 5 weeks ago, It might as well be 5 minutes ago. When it comes to this kind of betrayal time means almost nothing. Whether you D or R you are on a long mental journey. My advice is to get as healthy as you can, limit alcohol and read as much as you can to gain a less painful perspective. My wife kissed a guy at a Christmas party 23 yrs ago and this holiday still sucks for me and her ONS from when we were dating 30 plus yrs ago still haunts me so don't put a timeline on how you should feel.

One thing about your separation.

You need to get back in the house.

Immediately.

You do not separate without seeing a lawyer unless you are throwing her out.

I know it is easier to just leave for your own sanity but this can be a very dangerous mistake.

If you do go to divorce you set her up to get ownership of the house and to be the primary parent which means she could get majority custody and very favorable child support.

Also this kind of separation will not help you long term.

It will keep you in a limbo state. Also it could help her ease into a new relationship.

Women often get into a fantasy when they cheat where they can just keep the same life and swap out the husband.

Everything stays the same and there are no consequences and she gets to enjoy a new love.

Don’t let that happen.

Also women often do not grow love for 2 men. They transfer love from one man to the other. That is why advice is always harsh and we often say you can’t trust her.

Go back home and kick her out so she is actually losing something. That would be ideal.

If not at least talk to a lawyer see what your unique laws are and seek guidance on how you can move out and still protect yourself.

You don’t have to file for divorce but you need information on what your options are.

You can still be kind to your wife and try to work on your marriage but you need to prepare for the worst and protect yourself.

Im so sorry for what happened to you.

You did not deserve it.

Emotional is worse, but they had a full blown physical affair. Rooms on site. Declarations of love between them. Selfies exchanged. She was "wild" about him. Adults have sex at that point. Opportunity and desire is all that an PA needs to explode. She had both. She remembers what she said. Probably described her awful marriage in commiseration with him. That was as much a lie as was his.

Right now, you really have nothing to work with. Your WW doesn't regret the affair. She only regrets getting caught. She is still defending her AP over her marriage. See an attorney or few. At this point you really need to know what D looks like for you.

Time apart doesn't fix the marriage. Probably at best preserves the current state, but more likely weakens it further. It does give the BS space to heal and distance themselves from the person that is hurting them. That space can give them clarity as to what the BS wants and can accept going forward. I wouldn't recommend against it in your case as unless your WW has a come to Jesus moment D is where you are headed. It may be that the separation will give her that moment. Just don't go into this thinking that is helping the marriage. Share the kids during this time, or bring them with you.

She swears she sorry and she does and says the right things MOST of the time. But she still defends the guys, like he was a good guy in an awful marriage. She also has never told me what they discussed or much else. She deflects, prob thinking I'll divorce her I guess if she's honest.

A few suggestions.
Give her an amnesty period. Tell her you need the full truth. Don't make guarantees, but you will do your best to overcome anything disclosed. If more information comes to light after that date, and it will if it is out there, the marriage will be over. Give her time to consider but not much. 24 hours should be enough.
Open device policy. She isn't to delete anything. You can have access to her phone at anytime. Location sharing.
Verify the above. If she is going to fail, and she's high risk to, you want to know sooner rather than later.

I'm going to take off the kid gloves and give you my raw and honest opinion.

Your wife did something despicable. Downright evil, despicable and ugly. It's in her corner to decide how to fix it, if she even wants to fix it.

In the meantime, you are in agony and although we don't have any magic wands, I believe the first thing to do is take back control over your life, over your body, over your family. The second step will be to get yourself out of infidelity. The third step will be to heal.

For step 1, you get tested for STD's and do not be intimate with her. See a lawyer. You don't have to file any papers but find out what a divorce would look like for your life, what is the likely outcome for you in terms of custody of the kids and who gets to keep the home how much child support/alimony will be. You should stay in the house and ask her to leave; or, at the very least, learn how to implement the 180 and relegate her to the guest bedroom. This would also be a good time for her to go back to work full time. Keep repeating to yourself: "I am no one's Plan B." Make her want you; make her make you her Plan A. It's possible you'll need IC to accomplish this because your pain and sorrow will interfere, maybe causing you to settle for less than you deserve out of fear.

For step 2, once you've completed step 1, now you'll have a little breathing room and can start to figure out whether you want to save the marriage; I mean, YOU can start to figure it out as opposed to letting fear and other base emotions steer you away from the best outcome for you. If you do decide to try to save the marriage, lay down the rules of what she must do to stay married to you - general rules such as be loyal to you and the marriage, put the financial and emotional welfare of the family ahead of her own needs, etc. Remember, YOU are the prize here, you're the who keeps promises and makes family your first priority; you're the one who isn't a bald-faced liar; you're the one who has morals and values. If you decide you'd like to try to save the marriage, then ask her if she also wants to and if so, ask her what she's going to do to become a safe life partner. I am an outlier here because I don't believe it's your job to give her a list of things she has to do; I believe it's her job to do the research, do the work, figure out what's wrong with her, straighten up and fly right. And only after she's done that will you decide whether to commit to having her as your life partner. But until you are out of infidelity, I don't believe you can begin to heal.

For clarification, being out of infidelity means you are not married to a person who is cheating on you or lying to you in any way. If she won't (or can't) stop being unfaithful on every level, it will require you to remove yourself from the marriage to get out of the infidelity. If she's still talking to the guy and you still consider yourself in a committed-for-life marriage, you are not out of infidelity; If she refuses to stop, the only alternative is to remove yourself from the infidelity - no sleeping together, no conversations or discussions about anything other than finances and kids and even those are better done by email if you're trapped in infidelity. Don't act married.

Step 3 will involve you doing things that bring you joy and peace and contentment. Whether it's pursuing a hobby you enjoy or starting to build a fort with your kids or taking up line dancing or continuing education to further your career. Do something that is just for you, for your happiness.

Added: There's so much on this website for you to read. Reading other people's stories, with their pitfalls and heartaches and triumphs can really help and there's a vast library of reading here. And, if there is any substance abuse in your family, her family or by her, get thee to the appropriate 12 Step program.

I wish you all the best.

[This message edited by josiep at 4:16 PM, Wednesday, December 21st]

One more thing.

He is married.

You need to find his wife and tell her asap.

I hope you saved those text.

This is not optional.

It may not work but giving him some serious consequences may make him dump your wife.

Also if his wife is receptive she may uncover more lies information for you.

If nothing else getting him in trouble will make you feel a little better.

Hire a PI to find her if you need to.

This is a priority.

PS seriously rethink your separation plan. Talk to a lawyer.

Just to emphasize what others have said. Before you do a trial separation you need to talk to a lawyer. You don't want to be seen as "abandoning" the family and the relationship. A judge would not take kindly to that situation. A lawyer should guide you on this step.

You've been given a lot of good advice. I have some slightly different takes on your sitch, though.

First, what you're going through is normal for been 5 weeks out from discovery. I doubt that separation now will make it significantly easier to eat or to sleep or to feel less agony. IMO the preponderance of your agony comes from being betrayed, and you can't change that.

Second, if R is something you might want, IMO separation and the 180/gray rock are going to be hindrances, not helps, at this point.

R requires maximizing communication. The 180/gray rock require minimizing communications. R won't succeed unless your WS decides to be honest and to take responsibility for her actions. You won't know if she is doing that without talking with her - a lot. Every conversation is a test of her willingness to do the work she needs to do to R; everything she does is a test of her willingness to do the work. Without those conversations, you'll have no way to know if she wants to R. Without your observations, you won't know if her actions match her words.

And you're still in shock, so you're only starting to take in what she says and does. My reco is to stick around longer before taking a therapeutic separation, and don't leave without getting a legal opinion from a good lawyer or 2 or 3.

*****

No one here knows if your W has had physical contact with her ap. It's not improbable, but ... maybe not. It doesn't matter much. Any A-type of betrayal is tough enough to deal with. It's the betrayal that's the problem much more than the way one is betrayed.

I will say that virtually all of us will agree she is blame-shifting by blaming you for her cheating. She chose to cheat because of her own issues, not because of any issue with you or your M.

And virtually all of us will agree she's minimizing and lying by not sharing with you what they talked about. I expect she forgot a lot of her conversations because they were so banal and puerile - but it's very unlikely she forgot all of them.

My reco is to repeat that if she answers honestly now, you may end the M, bt if she withholds something now, and it comes out down the road, you will end the M.

R(econciliation) is impossible unless she stops lying right now. The only 'r' possible if she keeps lying is r(ug-sweeping,' which is likely to bite you both very hard in the future.

*****

One reading suggestion is NOT "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It's 20-25 years old, but still right on in the vast majority of its observations.

*****

I, too, urge you to focus on what you want. If you really want D, your path is pretty straightforward. If you think you'd want R if certain requirements were met, figure out what those requirements are, run them by us, get them straight, and run them by your WS. If she agrees, great - R can start. If she doesn't agree and doesn't offer any acceptable counter-suggestions, great - you know R can't succeed.

Make your goal 'surviving and thriving', whether you D or R.

*****

Like josiep, I recommend as strongly as possible that you decide what you want based on your own desires. Don't let your W impact what you want. After deciding you want R - IF you make that decision - then it's time to consider your W, but it's important to know what you want, even if you can't get it.

And IMO it's critical to make your own decisions here, and it's critical that you distinguish between what you know, what you suspect, and what you fear.

You can survive and thrive if you go for what you want much more easily than if you let your fears drive you.

Above all, have some faith in yourself to get through this and into a good life.

Buy a VAR. Velcro it under her driver's seat. You'll see it wasn't just an EA really quickly.

Based on her defending him, I'd say chances are very high that she'll be seeing him during the separation.