SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

There have been rather a lot of one time posts recently, or even people who post a few times and leave. This is not a debate on why, but more on do others get benefit from it? I read the replies and often there are some pearls of wisdom to be found. So would like to say that even if OP does not get benefit or get what they were after, I and hopefully others get something from them. I even get a chance to reflect on the OP and see myself in what they’re saying

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:53 PM, Wednesday, February 22nd]

I think the most substantial benefits come from long term engagement with the site, and I'm sad that there's less of it than there used to be. I agree, though, that even a brief interaction can help readers see their circumstances through a new lens.

I suspect that we have long term readers of the site who never sign up, much less post, and I often keep them in mind.

I've noticed the same. SI participation traditionally has ebbed and flowed over the years, but it really does seem more barren since Covid for some reason. The one-time and short-time posters make me sad more than anything else. Honestly, we all know the qualities it takes to be a wayward in the first place, and those qualities are usually the same ones that make them poor candidates for rehab. You can't remain conflict-avoidant and recover. You can't refuse to look inward and recover. You can't compartmentalize and recover.

To answer your question, I don't really "get anything" from their posts, but that's mostly because I'm at a point in my own recovery where I don't really need infidelity support so much, and feel that my role here is to repay some of that great support that I got. What I do get from the posts is an opportunity, even if it's just one shot, to throw some thoughts and truth at the WS.

I often wish there was a reasonable way for SI to advertise a little bit more, and drive some people who may not be aware of it to the site. That being said, what makes SI so great is that it's kind of small and intimate, and one person can ask a question and get really tailored, personal responses. I'm not sure it would continue to feel like a community if too many people joined?

I know that some replies were meant well. Sometimes I wanted to post my update but I was discouraged the first time I posted, for blunt responds . Maybe other people reacted the same . Correct responds , but still painful to swallow .

DaddyDom is one person that I really appreciate in giving advice . Sir Robin , Sisoon , Chamomile tea, Ist wife . Please keep on responding . Although I have not posted lately , I read this site almost everyday to gain more knowledge and camaraderie .

My WS and I are still work in progress . The good news is that he is still in NC.

The pain is still there after 18 months but you guys are correct , it is getting a bit easier to ride the day .
Thank you all .

I think it’s a mixed bag. On the one hand, some very good advice is often imparted to the OP. One seemingly innocuous post to cause a lightbulb to go off for someone searching for answers.

On the other, you’re left wondering if the advice given was helpful. IMO a lot can be gained when folks get to see the evolution post dday. For myself, I will often wonder what happened to the OP; did they rug sweep, did they 180 and D? Obviously no one can be sure of the outcome which can be upsetting to some.

Fortunately/Unfortunately there is a wealth of knowledge and history here to read through. Hopefully someone will be able glean enough information and wisdom to move forward.

I don't have an answer but wanted to pop in and say that the Wayward Forum is one of the most valuable things to me as a BS.

Your guidance illuminates for us shell-shocked lost souls what we should be seeing, at least at some point. Reading you former waywards gives hope but it is nicely balanced with the real, grueling work it took to get there. It's a touchpoint for betrayeds on what real recovery might look like.

Thanks to all of you for sticking around.

Posting, especially in the aftermath of D-day, is hard. It involves incredible vulnerability to open some of the most intimate and private parts of your life up to the scrutiny of strangers on the internet. I imagine that it is even harder to do so as a Wayward, at a time when you are already being bombarded in criticism (however valid) from your BS. I have enormous respect for anyone willing to do it. Combine that with wayward fogginess and I'm not surprised that many do not stick around long term. That said, some do and we never know at the outset who those people will be and so it makes sense, in my mind, to treat everyone at the outset like they plan on sticking it out.

I also think that for every BS and WS that is brave enough to post, there are probably 30+ others (maybe more!) who are reading and benefiting from the knowledge and advice provided. I know this because I was one of those people.

I know it can be frustrating to put a bunch of time and energy into responding to someone for them to just stop responding. It happens in JFO quite a bit too, however there are so many more BS's here that I think that it isn't as obvious. I appreciate the energy you all have in continuing to pay it forward.

Some really interesting responses.

One thing I had not considered was the non posting readers. The WS's who come on here just to read. Of course there will be BS's too. It would be interesting to see the statistics of people who read but do not post.

It is good that people are gaining benefit and I do hope the WS who post once or twice gained or are still gaining some benefit from the board.

Also to the valued FWS's - Thank you for still being around.

Seeing as how this question is being asked in the Wayward Forum.
One of the hardest things people do is acknowledge their actions and accountability.
It’s basic human nature to explain or justify actions, even actions that we KNOW are wrong.

I’m a former cop and early in my career my mentor – an experienced veteran of many years – pointed out that no matter the reason we stopped someone they would nearly always have a reason or excuse: I was just following the flow of traffic, nobody stops at that sign, I only had one drink, I have to steal to eat, she wanted it rough, he was asking for a beating… whatever. It was extremely rare that a person would simply raise their hand and say "It was totally my fault. I did wrong and I have no one to blame but me". One reason for it being rare probably being we seldom saw those that did this twice…

The same applies to a lot of our wrong actions. Financial problems are seldom because we spent too much, but because of taxes or government or because the 50 year old heating in our homes just simply had to unexpectedly stop working today…

I have always been in awe of the courage of the waywards that post. We "plain" betrayed people we come here as victims, as sufferers. The WS as an antagonist. Even the title "wayward" is negative. Posting requires a level of acknowledgement of wrongdoing. Something that is hard to face.

If a WS were to post here justifying their affair… well… the contributors here on SI don’t really have patience for that. Even here in this protected forum with the STOP signs the valued FWS contributors would cut that short. With sense and luck, the original poster would realize that the peers – the fellow WS – on this site might know a thing or two and want to join their ranks.

At the same time, we have less protected forums like JFO. Forums where the freshly hurt and still bleeding betrayed spouses are struggling to make sense of their wrecked worlds. Although a WS can’t post there they definitely can read these forums and threads. We might not be discussing THEIR story, but a WS reading this site will see how many talk about wayward people. The uncompromising once-a-wayward stance, the kick-them-out, the serial-cheater, the tactless "man up" or "he’s not a real man"…
A person that had an affair that reads this site needs to feel pretty secure and safe to post on a forum where this stance seems so prevalent and loud. So loud that it often drowns out calmer voices that might be offering comparable advice.

As a police officer I often had options: I could twist an arm, apply a hold, cuff a wrist and push and shove with loud vocal threats until the person submitted to my commands. I could also calmly explain the situation and eventually lead the same person willingly into compliance. Same result gained using two totally different tactics. I try to apply that reasoning when offering advice here on this site. I don’t condone nor tolerate infidelity or any form of minimizing of the affair, but I don’t see much profit in calling out a WS as a lost cause, repeat offender or anything of that sort.

I think the loud negative voices tend to turn away many waywards that want to post. I actually think they also turn away many betrayed spouses that fear the backlash of having their loved ones branded as lost causes. I think that a large proportion of those that eventually decide to post regret their decision and turn away once they get the sometimes badly-worded and harsh verbal-whipping too many on this site seem to think appropriate.

We can be firm but courteous too.

finally - DaddyDom - just so you know you are very appreciated by many on this site

I agree with a lot of these comments, it has got to be immensely difficult to come on this forum and take any "2x4’s" when you are dealing with you and your families life falling apart and you know it’s your fault. My wife wrote to her mother on D-day "it feels like a family member just died and I pulled the trigger". I can’t imagine tough love is what she needed or could even handle on that day.

Honestly, maybe a small practical matter that could help, make it the default that the stop sign is up on the Wayward forum, make people ask for it to be taken down. I’ve noticed multiple times BS’s taking liberties on the wayward forum, almost feels like they are primed to take a shot with an open thread. If the OP hasn’t closed it in time they are open to some major venom. And new posters won’t even know the rules to protect themselves.

I also want to echo the value of the Wayward forum. Your willingness to share your journey has given me a vision of what is possible and even what I need from my wife to reconcile. It gives me hope that there is a possibility of good outcomes where my wife really does meaningfully transform from this. Otherwise this could just become an echo chamber of pain, and that sounds truly miserable.

I just assumed they didn’t come back because they divorced and went to be with their affair partner. It seems that divorce is even more acceptable than ten years ago, less stigma to being married three or four or five times.

I just assumed they moved on.

Divorce wouldn’t explain the difference in retention rates on the site between wayward and betrayed. The site is more cathartic to the betrayed, more punishing to the wayward. But both must have similar divorce rates, pretty much by definition.
Leaving to be with the AP could explain some, but from what I know that is actually pretty uncommon.

[This message edited by InkHulk at 3:25 PM, Friday, February 24th]

I haven't been posting as much either, but still reading here. Like DD, I don't see myself as fitting in with the WS as much anymore. More FWS, with a bit of BS thrown in from experiences in the last year or so with my H's behavior.

I agree with a lot here that say the new WS's here get 2x4's they're not really prepared for. Perhaps an automatic stop sign until they reach the 50 post limit is warranted for those indicating WS status.

As for the 1 time posters, I agree it's hard to face what we've done as WS's. It's hard to look at ourselves and see what we've become. I think I have a personality that is more comfortable with conflict than others, so fighting it out on the site here was beneficial for me. I also got to the point where I was sick of myself, sick of what my life had become and determined to change it, one way or another. It's not clear that many WS's come here with that mindset. No doubt, I was typical WS justifying everything I did with the, "BUT HE WAS TERRIBLE" defense (which is bullshit- you divorce terrible people, not cheat on them and make yourself a terrible person). Basically, I'm not sure how many come here as WS's looking for justification and affirmation vs. those who come here sick of their life enough to do something about it.

The 2x4's definitely come in fast and furious. The were hard for me to take in the early days (and I remember fighting back hard against them... until they proved correct in their evaluation of my situation).

At the end of the day, I wouldn't get too discouraged by one and dones here. The fact they post at all may mean they continue to lurk and learn. Hopefully that brings some good out of the situation.

I suspect that we have long term readers of the site who never sign up, much less post, and I often keep them in mind.

I was one of those until today! The collective wisdom here has been a huge help to me, along with a great IC who takes none of my crap.

Welcome to posting SkipThumelue

Thank you Bulcy!

The stop sign is actually the default in this forum. The WS has to uncheck the box for it to be off.

As a BS the shame I felt posting here the first time was intense. I cannot imagine the stress of coming here as a WS and having to admit and face some hard truths, I truly appreciate this part of SI. Many times I have wished the Stop Sign was gone so I can encourage, not attack.

As for the original question, when I was a newbie there was another BS that ran parallel with me. She posted exactly what I was thinking and feeling. I read but didn’t post, it wasn’t until a year plus later that I told her how helpful her rants were. I was in no place to give advice but regret not posting words of encouragement to her. New members encouraging other new members is very important to the success of the mission here BS or WS.

The stop sign is actually the default in this forum. The WS has to uncheck the box for it to be off.

There is a first time poster just this morning (My Story) that doesn’t have the stop sign, so it seems like it is not the default. Or if people don’t really know the implications then giving the choice up front is not really an informed decision. I hope this new poster has a good experience.

It is the default.