SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Good morning. My husband had a 4 month EA/PA. They told each other they loved each other. Snapped out of it when he was caught and hasn’t looked back. He’s doing everything right. Going out of his way to be transparent and make me feel safe.

He says he never even thinks about her except when I’m flooding and in pain and it makes him think of her out of guilt and shame. He claims he’s disgusted in himself and this is the worst thing he’s ever done and wishes he could take it back. He says he knew he never truly loved her when he said it, even though there were emotions there.

I want to believe she’s not on his mind and he’s not missing her at all. He gives me all of his attention and is over the moon when I’m able to have a better day and not get triggered.

Is it possible for him to not even give her any thought now and not miss her a bit?? Even though this was emotional and they used the L word? I want so badly to believe she’s not on his mind now but can I?..

There are several "BS Questions for WS" threads in the "I Can Relate" forum that might be very helpful.

Is it possible for him to not even give her any thought now and not miss her a bit?? Even though this was emotional and they used the L word? I want so badly to believe she’s not on his mind now but can I?..

Is it possible? Yes. But it's a qualified yes. It really varies from person to person and situation to situation.

For a moment, imagine someone who loves to overeat greasy, fatty foods and who never exercises. One day, they have a heart attack.

Now, for some people, that one heart attack is enough to make a life change. They change their diet, they get an exercise routine, and they make the difficult life changes necessary to stay alive.

For others however, some will never learn, and may ask their friends to sneak some greasy food into the hospital for them.

Cheaters are much the same. Some get caught or disclose, and are lucky enough to see the writing on the wall and snap into a better mindset quickly. These folks can often be successful at seeing the AP for who they are and the trouble they bring, and will drop them like a bad habit. Others however, may struggle to make the break, and sadly, this is more often the case. If you look in the Wayward forum, there is even a pinned post on how to get over the AP since so many struggle with that.

FWIW, as painful as all the "lovey dovey" stuff that was said and done can be, when you get a little further down the road, it will be clearer that a WS is really incapable of actually loving anyone, most of all themselves. Cheaters, by definition, are greedy, needy, and self-absorbed. WS's and their AP's have an unspoken (and cleverly masked) pact that they make. "You make me feel special, and I'll return the favor". As your husband said, cheating makes you feel like shit. So what happens (in many cases) is that each partner "plays their part" and does what's expected, what they know. In a cheater's mind, if they "love" the other person then it's not really cheating because it's love, so we behave that way, and do our utmost to convince ourselves that the AP is the panacea to everything we hate about ourselves. But it's just a story we tell ourselves so we can sleep at night. When the truth comes rushing in, the fairytale often dissolves like the wicked witch of the west in a bucket of water, and eventually, the WS realizes that they had as much in common with their AP as they do with a doorknob. They were just a means to an end.

My advice as someone who's been on the WS side... is to believe your gut and your eyes. You can't fake real love. Real love is not selfish at all. It is often sacrificial in fact. If you had a child and they needed a kidney, you'd donate one without hesitation. That's love. And if your spouse has that kind of love for you, you feel it. You might not trust it, and that's okay, trust is another story. But if they get quiet and defensive or change the subject every time you bring up the affair, then that's not being loving towards you, that's being worried about themselves.

If you ask about the AP and your husband stops what he's doing and answers your questions without hesitation, or even better, with empathy and care, then I'd say that might be a reason to consider trusting them. That's just my opinion of course.

Best of luck to you both.

Did you ever date someone and you loved them, then the relationship ended and you DON’T love them anymore?

Same thing with an affair.

I think many cheaters realize after Dday it was a fantasy and it wasn’t real. Then the Shame and regret and embarrassment sets in.

Just my two cents but I do believe many cheaters do not look back on their affair with positive memories.

1st Wife: my Wh said the same thing you said below!

Did you ever date someone and you loved them, then the relationship ended and you DON’T love them anymore?

But this I wonder….. normal dating relationships don’t tend to be limerant. Therefore wouldn’t one feel differently after a break up from a limerant affair?

I ask this not to challenge you. I ask because I struggle with the same issues as OP… I wonder if my WH misses his AP even while he is remorseful and wanting to make the marriage work.

Using the heart attack analogy DaddyDom used, I stop eating greasy foods after a heart attack But I could still miss it and think of that slab of bacon fondly. You know what I mean?

[This message edited by cedarwoods at 11:44 PM, Friday, April 7th]

I'll assume US is "unfaithful spouse" which isn't me.

I will say I know my wife had real affection for her AP. She was very honest about it.

You end up in a no win situation though.

If they really cut it off cold:
"How could they turn on a dime like that?"

If it takes a while to get out of the fog:
"They better get their head out of their ass, stop pining for the AP, and have negative feelings about the A."

I can't tell you whether or not to believe your H, but he is a proven liar. So that's part of why this is so hard.

He brought OW into the marriage, where she had no place to be. I really encourage you not to do the same. His feelings were about ‘it’, not OW per se - whether ego stroke, running away from the prosaic parts of life or whatever, she was just the means by which he could get the strokes etc, it was all about how felt about himself ultimately. Focus on that, if you must, but not her. Keep her out of your marriage, she doesn’t belong there.

Fret:

Do you remember when you confessed your own Long Term Affair with a man who was a friend and colleague of both you and your husband?

Do you remember how he acted?

Do you remember when you came here looking for advice because your husband was so hurt that eventually he closed down and you wanted to help him?

He acted that way because of all the pain you thrust upon him. That is what you are now feeling.

The only difference I see between your affair and your husband's affair is that his affair was of relatively short duration. However your affair went on for years... while you were two were girlfriend and boyfriend, while you two were engaged, and then after you two got married. You then hid the truth from him for around 9 to 10 years as I recall before you confessed.

But the hurt from both affairs is the same.

Are either of you in counseling at the moment? Just my opinion that both of you need counseling with secular counselors who are experienced in treating trauma.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 8:05 PM, Monday, April 17th]

Fret,

Reading your post, I felt like reading my life .

almost 2 years ago , my WH had a 5 month online EA PA (virtual sex ) with an old college friend . I found out from the text she sent him …

Immediately after I found out , he told me ( TT) , they exchanged the L words several times daily but he only liked her , didn’t love her. He said , they were only flirting . This was Dday 1.

I used his phone to tell her that I found out what they did and asked her to never contact my husband again .

The next day , without my knowledge, he contacted her to tell her what really happened , how I accidentally read her text . The following day , in front of me , he sent her a text, told her not to contact each other again … but this was a ruse ! …

Although they stopped the virtual sex , they continued their EA for another 4 months. He insisted , he never flirted and never said the L word anymore , although she still did . He told me , he was worried about me crying , felt guilty and the only person he could talk to was her ! Duh !

At the end of this 4 months , he decided to come clean and told me about the virtual sex and did the real NC . This was my Dday 2. Then we did IC.

He insisted that after the second or third day of Dday 1, he was over with her as a lover , he only treated her like a friend and after the real NC, he didn’t even think of her unless I brought it up .

Is this shutting off feelings right after discovery, real for him ? I don’t know , but in front of me, he acted like whatever happened was really over . At Dday 2, he sent her another NC letter saying that he only love me , never her. He is still staying NC at present.

Your WH decided to NC right away after discovery while mine still stayed in contact for 4 months, although he swore he didn’t have any romantic feelings towards her anymore during this time . My guess is that your husband behaved better than mine .. My WH still needed 4 months to detoxify .

My WH , like yours , insisted , there was no more feelings for her after Dday1 ..
Are they telling the truth ? I don’t know but I cautiously trust him.

Only time will tell if they are telling the truth … my reconciliation is still work in progress … I still have bad and good days … it is not a straight line , but I see a glimmer of hope.

Good luck and hugs to you !!!