SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello dear valuable members,

I am really sorry to find this website. I don't even remember how many times I attempted to share my story and how many times I decided not to. But today is the day, without having any hopes left I want to share my story.

I don't know where to begin. I broke the most amazing man's heart. He meant the world to me. He was nice, caring, polite and intelligent. We have been together for 5 years, married almost 2. Seems like its not too much but we have such amazing memories together in that amazing 5 years in my life.

I think everything started with our marriage being super fast. We engaged, married and move to a different country in just 3 months. Everything happened too fast. I think my first regret was to not having the "dream wedding" with him. But come to think about it now, it is my inner was just a toddler throwing a tantrum. For about 1.5 year of our marriage, we spend our time to get used to this foreign country, our new jobs, buying a house and a car together, and trying to handle everything alone without any knowledge, we tried to learn everything by ourselves. Man, it was really stresful and hard. But he besides me, we are the best team. Well, I think we were, not anymore..

It all started couple of months later we settled with everything. Got our permanent contracts, bought a very nice house etc.

I think the minor problems became unmanageble for me. Yes our house was perfect in papers but it was not the house that I want. Yes, we are better financially but I literally had zero friends in this country. Yes, our marriage was good, but I have to give up on myself sometimes to not having a big fight with him. I am the type of person who avoids fights, screams and such due to my childhood and teenager traumas. That's why, even though I didn't like this house very much by heart, I said yes to it because my husband wanted. This kind of things always happened even for small things like buying a small plate even.

I think that all these combined with me working in shift schedule (2 days morning, 2 days evening, 2 days night which affected my body & hormone routine badly). All of these seems like big issues that I had to talk with him and solve together with him. All lies in a good communication, wish I knew this by the time then, then I would feel more happier at that time.

Then I had an affair for about a month in december, 2022. I know that it is just for me wanted to feel that fake happiness for a short period of time but what I was actually doing was ruining a good man, perfect relationship and betraying myself.

My BH and I both engineers. He is very smart guy. He found out about the affair by checking my Google Maps timeline on January 2023. I ended it immediately and at first, I told him about the affair but with tons of lies under the name of truth by being afraid of losing him. Such a stupid behavior, now I come to realize. He actually believed in me at first, I had deep regrets in my heart about it. But I couldn't tell the truth. I was too afraid of telling the truth, I didnt't want to lose him.

Everything was going okay-ish. Then on March 2023, he told me that he will contact with AP for the truth. Then I confessed everything without any lies and with all the details I could remember by the time. Now I realize how big mistakes I made during this last 6 months.

Now, after all the truth has been told, I am still trying my hardest to get him back. Both of us go to IC since March 2023. It seems IC is not helping to my BH. They are doing EMDR together, but after every session, he acts super mad and give up from everything. Which is his right, I guess. It was all my fault to act like this stupid over and over again with all those lies and betrayals.

I even cannot forgive myself, how I expect him to forgive me? I betrayed my future self, I betrated this amazing relationship and such a good man.

During these times, I tried to suicide twice because I can't handle to the idea of not being with him anymore. I started to not care about my health, having some skin issues related with stress, lately I fainted due to low blood pressure, always in depression, all those aches and pains.

I don't know how many times he got drunk and told me all those bad words, sometimes with small physical harm, psychological damage all the time, yelling, hitting walls and coffee tables.. (Which always make me remember my childhood trauma - my dad beated me by the time when I was a child)

But all these time, I tried to act calmed, and show my affection and love to him. Prepared water and coffee for him after he throw up, cooked dinner, lunch, prepare breakfast for him. I read lots of books, watch lots of videos about infidelity, self development, understanding the root cause of the problem and such..

Bht now, it seems nothing is helpful. We are still living in our own house, with our little kitten. We sleep in different beds, we still share and talk about our days. But it seems its fading away now. I can't explain how much I hurt this loving man, how much I hurt myself.

Seems like, we are going to sell our house and buy 2 houses for each. We will do the same with our car. He still didn't sign the D papers or even started the D process. All I want for us is reconcilation, but it seems it is not the case anymore.

I am here for telling my story, my grief, my mistakes.

I know that there is still a long life for me out there. But I don't know if it is worth now to living it. I cannot see any good thing coming out of that.

I literally don't know what to do now. Sometimes I feel like I just have to accept everything and leave him because he told me that his biggest trigger is me and he doesn't want to be with me. But sometimes, I think that he says all those words but he doesn't take a step, so maybe I can keep trying and trying...

Both of these feelings, memories, mistakes, regrets, basically everything eats up my mind. I just wish we at least try reconcile. I really respect all those people out there who reconcile succesfully.

[This message restored by Webmaster at 1:25 PM, Wednesday, May 10th]

[This message edited by MessageInABottle at 9:37 AM, Wednesday, May 10th]

MIAB

I hope you can one day find the courage to repost your story. There is help to be had here. All the best.

[This message edited by ff4152 at 1:13 AM, Thursday, May 11th]

I just wanna give a small update here.

Today, I did my third suicide attempt during these hard times, guess who failed again. Seems like I have to figure out a different method. BH and I going to same IC. IC told him that I don't have the courige to suicide, its just manipulation for him to not leave me.. ofc its easy to say this but I attempt to suicide three times befor; once in high school and second is couple of days after d-day, third is after one of his EMDR session & our bigest fight about AP and my infidelity.

Anyway, there were couple of reasons for the attempt.

1. Whenever I touch my pen to write in my journal, I start to cry. This happens all the time for awhile now. Even with vitamine pills. I feel like it is because I slowly accept that he is going to leave me and I cannot take it. He is right however, for his own good. I can see that. He doesn't have to accept reconcilation. I can understand.

2. I checked his instagram account secretly and found out that he is being talking to a woman colleague of his that I really dislike and that is ongoing for 2 weeks. And I realized that he is the one who always started the conversation. First he replied to her story and they talked a bit. Then she asked a question to him in our work chat application but he sent her a message from instagram that he basically wanted to reply from here (like what??)

When I talked about this issue (second one) with him, he told me that "this is none of your business, who do you think you are that you think you can involve in my life as my cheating wife??"

Dear people,

I am really devastated. Eventhough I know that I made the biggest mistake of my life by cheating on my man, I feel super angry that he is talking with this coworker. I don't know if I have the right to involve his life.

What should I do?

[This message edited by MessageInABottle at 11:59 PM, Wednesday, May 10th]

MIAB,

Please get professional help. Call the suicide hotline or stay inpatient to get your bearings.

Next, you can only control what you do. Please focus on getting healthy. What sort of things have you worked on so far? Have you done a timeline? Are you reading any books? What does your work look like?

Worrying about this coworker is low on your priority list right now. Your own personal safety needs to be at the top.

WOE,

Well, I was actually reading SI quite sometime so here what I do/did in these times;

- I gave BH a timeline with detailed info. I met with AP 3 times, have sex once. I mentioned about all the details I could remember about our dates to BH.

- I am reading alot of self development books. Some of them are in my native language form a very known IC.

- I am also reading 2 infidelity related books; Just Friends and How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair.

- I also watch different kind of useful Youtube videos (related with self development, infidelity etc) again in my native language.

- We tried MC at first on February 2023, didn't work for him. So we are getting IC from same therapist currently since mid March 2023.

- I try to plan different visits and vacations as well. We went to Barcelona and some different restaurants we wanted to go but couln't because of availability and such. So I planned everything and took him on a 4 days of vacation, to restaurants we always wanted to go, different mouseums, some big flower gardens etc.

- BH knows all my passwords and has access to all my social media accounts and I offer him to check my phone, laptop, desktop anytime he wants.

In most of the days, I try to cheer him up. We work in the same company so we go to work together. I always hug him and tell him how much I love him just before we go to our own departments in the company. I prepare breakfast for him, dinner and lunch. Cook some desserts...

Whenever our discussions end up with AP, I immediately tell him how sorry I am for breaking his heart and this beautiful relationship. I express how I feel so ashamed of what I did and how I couldn't see the amazing guy infront of me who is readly to listen all my problems. I express and show my regret everytime.

Whenever BH asks questions about AP and that one month, I always answer his questions.

In these days, whats going on is, BH decided to D. He told me that he cannot accept what has been done and he cannot forgive me. He told me that damage is done and cannot be fixed. He tells all these words, but he is not prepared any document for D yet.

On the otherside, I am still trying hard. These days I feel physically tried and having some sleeping issues lately but I am certain about one thing; our relationship and BH are worth trying.

UPDATE: I am going crazy. BH changed all his passwords and I cannot access anything. I cannot see his browser history, instagram, gmail.. I even think about cracking his phone password. I cannot stop thinking about who BH talking with, what is he doing, which websites he is looking at. I am going crazy not knowing what is going on in his life right now. Today BH yelled at me, told me that it is not my right to know all these, he told me that I meant nothing to him. I desperately cry all day long.

I do not have close friends, I am not social person. I do not have anyone to talk what I feel all the time.. If I talk about all these with my parents, I am sure that they will judge me. Because my father is also cheated on my mom for a very long time and I was the one who caught him when I was a 12. So I cannot stop writing here, feels like everytime I share my story, my burden will be less heavier..

What I have done. Why I cheated on him, why I kept lying all the time.. why why why... Why I did not tell him about all my problems and tried to find a solution outside. Why I escaped all those possible fights?

I feel so lonely, desperate, weak...

What I have done to change that amazing man to this careless, hurtful man. He didn't deserve anything like this neither do I. I am losing my mind, I don't know what to do. I cannot accept the reality. I cannot let it go, I cannot let him go..

[This message edited by MessageInABottle at 3:33 PM, Thursday, May 11th]

I'm so sorry you're struggling, MIAB.

The name of this site is "Surviving Infidelity" for a reason. Despite an ultimately successful reconciliation, the founders understood that they weren't building "How to Reconcile" or "How to Dump the Cheater" or "How to Stay Married for the Kids." At its core, the mission is to help people survive infidelity -- to realize that every one of us has a path out of the suffering and destruction that is inflicted by betrayal, and to find support to identify and walk that path.

BS or WS, the ultimate power to get out is ours. We might not end up at the specific exit we hoped for, because it takes two people to reconcile, and either partner may know instantly/eventually conclude that it isn't the right goal for them. But everyone can get out in some direction. It can be devastating to realize that divorce is going to be that direction, whether you're handed the decision by your partner or whether you realize for yourself that the damage was too crushing for the marriage to survive. But you can survive, even if your marriage can't or shouldn't. If your BS is being abusive and you're feeling alone and suicidal, it's time to put on your own oxygen mask and let us help focus on you.

Dear BSR,

I think I understood your point and I agree with you that I should really put that oxygen mask.

I really want to get rid of suicide behaviors and start rebuilding myself. The hard point is I don't know where to begin with. I have been working on my marriage constantly for 5 months, I gave all my energy trying to save it. BH's IC told him that he should just observe my work and decide what to do accordingly. I am not sure if IC is totally right or totally wrong. But a small signal or light would be nice these hard days..Or maybe I just ask too much from BH. I don't know

I also don't know how to fix myself and that's the other issue. I totally forget how one can focus on themselves. I don't like workout but I try to eat healthy food and take necessary vitamins for my body. But that's all I can do right now. I had two passionate hobbies; painting and online gaming. Maybe I should return back to them to give myself some time and recovery chance..

I can also do some gardening, but where I live is always rainy nowadays - also affecting my mood I guess, I miss the sun.

I really need help about this, where to start at least. I think I can do the rest.

Maybe some book recommendations or hobby ideas really could help me.

I think that maybe seeing myself confident and being in recovery process will help me about my marriage as well. I am not ready to give up on BH and our marriage yet. I see that BH is still with me, he is struggling still and I would be the same. We have sex one day and another day we talk about divorce, this is like a loop currently. So much ups and downs. I don't want to give up yet. I am in love with him and I see that this marriage is worth to try hard.

[This message edited by MessageInABottle at 3:42 PM, Thursday, May 11th]

MIAB

Having attempted suicide once in my 20’s and seriously contemplated after first arriving at SI, I can relate to what you’re going through.

One of my recommendations is to stop focusing on saving your marriage as your primary goal. I remember a line from a movie that really stuck with me "Free your mind and your ass will follow". I really think that applies here. Your husband and his IC said to watch your actions. I think you getting your head straight would be a very positive step. A possible benefit from that happening is your marriage recovering.

Take a breath, set small goals for yourself and try and get away from the negative thoughts as best you can. Despite your husbands pain, I guarantee he doesn’t think you would be better off dead. No matter what happens with your marriage, the world would be a lesser place without you in it. Focus on IC. Exercise. Eat right. The fog can and will lift. You can do this.

All the best.

ff4152,

Yesterday was the one of the longest day of my life. I went into hysterics during work because I came to realize that this marriage is not going to be fixed no matter how hard I try. I left the work early. Let BH know that I will be using train to go home (we always go home together from work with our car) and that was my first time to use train from work to home. I put my phone on airplane mode. Listen some songs from my favorite artist. It took about 2-2.5 hours to came home.

Oh god, you can't imagine how it felt great to breath again. I cried, I felt numb, I walked slowly and took deep breaths with my every step. It felt great... after BH found about AP, I never had a chance to go outside without his permission. But doing this help me to understand that I can always do on my own. I don't need someone to lean on, I felt that I can continue living this life.

When I got back home, I realized that he called me 20 times, talked with my brother and a close friend. They also tried to reach out to me when my phone in on airplane mode. I let everybody know that I was okay.

After that I talked with BH. I realized that I lost him already and I also realized that there is no love left in BH's heart towards me. I guess I deserved that and all of these. He told me that he just didn't want me to be dead. That's why he called me and tried to reach out to me. He told me that our marriage is over and he doesn't want to be in love with me anymore. There is no turning back. Its 100% over.

I understood how much damage I gave to BH one more time. It hit me in the heart and I still have that sad feeling with real pain in my heart since yesterday night. I thanked BH for being with me for all these amazing 5 years, also stayed with me about 5 months after he found about AP and let me try to fix our marriage. I gave him my rings and went to upstairs.

He got drunk, and we decided to make love. I guess that was the last sex we'll ever have together.

Today we haven't talked too much. We ordered pizza, ate together and then I went back to upstairs. I don't know if he started any D process or contacted with a broker for selling our house and etc. I will talk with him later on today about this. Eventhough all these, we will probabaly still living in our house for about 6 more months together. Noone can afford to pay rent + motgage at the same time currently.

So it seems like this will be the end of this relationship I ruined. With 2 damamged people behind, we will seperate our ways.

I don't know if there is hope after divorce. But I wwant to wait for him with all my heart. I will let my mind to put me in a place where it wants to be. I will try to ease my mind. I will go on a diet probably in less than a month and buy an easel to start painting again. Also I will try to smoke less.

Life goes on, even I don't want it to be. Sometimes I wish I could stop the time or reverse it like a tape. But unfortunately I can't even go back to 1 second ago.

I am paying for my mistakes and wrongs. He is also paying for my mistakes and wrongs and that's the hardest part. He only loved me and he got infidelity in return. I can't even express how devasted I am for this. But I hope you can understand as a WS.

Thank you for your good wishes and words. Life goes on, and I have to live it no matther what until my time has come. That's for sure.

[This message edited by MessageInABottle at 7:27 PM, Friday, May 12th]

Hello everyone,

Here I am to give some updates. It will be a long post so be ready. I want to start it by thanking everyone who replied to my post and sent me private messages about it. Your help and comments are really appreciated.

After my last post, I was really depressed. Eventhough one side of me wanted to feel better and put that "oxygen mask" other side of me was full of regret, remorse and sadness.. i was crying all day long in my room, spending sometime with my kitten, sleepless nights throughout the week, not even eating. Smoking more and more.. Seen BH doesn't care anything about it all was like a living hell for me. At least he offered to order food but that's how a person pity someone else after some point.

On 18th of May, I had an appointment with IC. I told her that I feel down, depressed and explained everything; how my feelings towards BH is literally nonesense to him, how I feel sorry for all I did to him. She told me that, you did something wrong that's for sure but never forget how you keep trying for him for months even you hear divorce in his every words. She told me that I have the strenght but its time to accept that I should set him free to focus on myself. That conversation between me and IC made me realized that I actually should. I should start to rebuild myself, my trust issues, my confident. That 50 minutes with her felt like a week to me. After our conversation, I literally changed.

Firstly, I tried to focus on my work more because previously I always put BH first than work during working hours. So for the first time for a long time I told him that I am very busy to reply his messages.

Secondly, I tried to take care of my body and health. I started to go out for a walk, eat good amount of food everyday and taking vitamins.

Third, I focus on how I look to boost my confident. I started to do my usual skin care routine, picking better clothes while going outside or work, and also hair care.

Fourth, I decided to focus on breathing meditation when I feel upset or angry; 4-4-8. 3 to 9 times, different from situation to situation. This actually really helped me to get through many things in daily life. I wasn't expecting it to be this helpful. But it is, thankfully.

Fifth, you know all my crazy behaviours. I was obsessed with looking at BH's phone or tablet or whatever... That feeling is actually gone now for a while. Because I came to realized that if he is doing something with someone, that's his choice. I cannot do anything to that and actually I am not going to do anything.

Sixth, I joined a team outing with my colleagues. That was the first going out for me after BH found out about AP. Actually it felt great to go out with people I talk at work and spend time. Also after that my 2 friends invited me to go out to have some drink. I didnt tell them about my issues but I guess many people started to notice it. I heard some colleagues asking if I have a problem with BH to others. (which is not nice imo) I guess that's because I started to not wear my rings -as BH did 6 months ago- and also remove our photos on Instagram (also as he did 6 months ago).

I think that feeling of "not being alone and having friends that are always there for you eventhough that don't know about the issue you have" really helped me to get connected to real world. Also taking care of my body, health, beauty helped me to boost my confident and I now feel like I can face with this life without BH or even anyone. I want to see myself as a stong and independent woman. Which my IC also suggested during D process.Yes, about D process. I will come back to that later...

Me working myself, and started to go out with friends made BH really jelaous and furious. He started to blame me by imagining that I am cheating on him again, get jelaous over one of friends, also AP sent me a message about me and BH going through D and wants to meet up. I took a screenshot of the message and sent it to BH. Told him that eventhough we are going on a divorce, I gave you a promise to let you know if something comes up with AP (I didnt block him all time just incase if a message or a call shows up so I can share it with BH). Then I blocked APs number.

Also, I started to give less attention to BH, and counter his every word with "but you cannot involve my life, we are going to divorce and its your call. I worked for 6 months and you pushed me away everytime. You never tolerated me. You hurt me physically; pushed me, hurt me, squeeze my wrists until they became purple. I didn't deserved any of these physical behaviours eventhough I betrayed you."

After sometime, BH started to show me attention, he lost all his fury and anger. He was saying to me that he knows how I gave all of me to work this marriage out for 5-6 months, how I work through everythinv. But he told me that he can't forgive me. Somedays I rejected his demands like for hugging, kissing, even talking by saying that we are going to divorce and this is not we should do right now.

Believe me it is really hard to reject him, but I have to do that for my own sanity. This is what I need to be able to survive with a good mentality and rebuild, recover myself. I have to take care of myself, not my marriage. Because I know what whatever I do, it fades to nothing.

So, now we are in our home country fo about 3 days. We will start D processes here since its easier and cheaper in here to do it. But we will be only divorced on the papers. After D, we need to sell our current house and buy 2 houses each. We cannot start these mortgage and stuff before D finalized because otherwise all things we buy seperately will be divided into to; half for him and half for me. Which can cause another paper work to do and we don't want that.

So even after divorce is finalized, I think we have to live together maximum of 6 more months. And I really don't know how it will be.. we cannot afford to go for rental house as well, so we have to live together. At least, we are talk like "house mates" now and I really have no idea about what will happen the next day right now. I just let the time take over the control...

Currently, I am feeling alot better, I am staying with my parents and I'll be here until 7th of June. Then I will go back to Netherlands and my holiday will end. First day, I went to hairdresser and I let them dye my hair to complete gray which I always liked. Yesterday I went for some shopping and also saw my IC, she told me that I am doing great and keep doing what I am doing right now. That made me happy after a long time: Hearing that I am doing great :) other than that, I am planning to get a tattoo that reminds me that I am a strong woman and nothing is perfect; so I will get a koi fish tattoo with yin & yang in it. That will be my first tattoo and I am pretty sure that it will hurt, but nothing is going to hurt me more than in this situation tbh.. I also talked with my parents about my situation and divorce and they immediately told me that they will always be there for me if I need any help; financially and/or emotionally. Hearing this also relived me. Having people around me who can support and listen is really important these days.

So, lastly I want to say that I get rid of all those suicidal behaviours because I realized that there is a veeeeery long time ahead of me that worth living. I don't know what's waiting me in the future but I'm willing go go for it and enjoy every moment. I think that life is like deiving a bus. I am the driver, lenght of the road is my time, and bus is my life. I have the control of it because I am the only one who has the keys. I am the only one who is in the bus from the start and I'll be at the very end. People who are in the bus are coming in and out in different stops. And that's the lenght of their time in my life. Maybe BH's stop is getting closer. Who knows? Only time. But noone will be there from very start till the very end except me. So I have to take care of it and give some special treatment to myself for driving this road on my own.

Thank you very much for your patience for reading this long update. I am up to any comments and ideas. And I will provide more update in the upcoming weeks/days.

[This message edited by MessageInABottle at 5:03 AM, Friday, May 26th]

Dear MessageInABottle, what a positive change between your last two posts. Your last post really touched me and it was beautifully written. You are human and you made a terrible mistake but you have accepted yourself as a human with value and purpose. You deserve a great life ahead. I wish you the very best.

Dear Chris27432,

Thank you very much for your nice comment!

Actually everything began after that one session with my IC that I mentioned about in my last post. After that session, I realized that I feel happy to tried my hardest to get BH back for almost half a year. Eventhough it fade to nothing as I said, I feel relieved that I did everything I can. I am relieved because that time beeing actually helped me to forgive myself and contributed to move on phase.

I did everything I could eventhough with zero contribution from BH. I respect my consistency and ambition to get him back. I don't have any regret about all those tears, sleepless nights, hunger, stress, health issues, even issues with my period, depression and so on. I am now realizing that it was actually a process for myself as well. I saw how much I can give to a loved one, how much I can give up from myself and how much I can focus on someone else then myself.

Those actually helped me to understand and set up my boundaries. I really belived that it is indeed a story of finding myself as well. At least now, I am looking everything from a positive frame and that helps me to grow up much and much more.

I realized that I am a very jealous person just because I had lack of self confident. I realized that I couldn't be able to develop my inner self. This is because of my strict parents, strict relationships I had before and also my marriage. Now, it is time to find that inner self and understand her. Give all the attention and care she needs.

It is time for a big change. It is time to grow up, facing issues on my own, taking responsibility of my actions, finding right from wrongs, finding inner peace and to be self confident about myself and my body. I am 26, and I have still too much to learn from life and I am up for every challange. Because now, I feel that I can face with all by myself.