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Today we told the children that we are divorcing. We went with the fairly standard script of 'we don't love each other any more, we will be living quite close by, we both love them'....etc. I haven't yet told them the real reason for the divorce - WH is adamant it won't do them any good. He also doesn't want to be the ;bad guy' because it's also my fault (!). I think it would be best to tell them some of it - obviously without the sordid details - because they have questions (they're 11 and 15, they're not young kids) and I also think it will come out eventually anyway.

I think we should tell them, once they've processed this first bit. He is adamant we shouldn't. I am nervous about going against his wishes because we are all still living together. It could get very difficult.

Any experiences?

He doesn't want them to know the truth, because he doesn't want to face the consequences of his actions.

He doesn't think they deserve to know why their family has blown apart.

Sounds familiar, doesn't it? IIRC, he doesn't think you deserve to know the identity of the other woman.

Waywards are all about keeping secrets.

Kids are smart. They tend to know more than we give them credit for.

They also tend to blame themselves.

At their age, they need the truth. Perhaps no details, but the truth.

He doesn't have to like it. It's ok if he doesn't. You didn't like being cheated on,and the kids don't like their family splitting in two. It's ok if he doesn't like the entire process.

But, the most important reason to tell them the truth..because if you don't, it turns you into someone they can't trust. Don't allow his behavior to turn you into a parent your kids can't trust. Especially at their age. They need to be able to count on you..when they come to you,and need you to be honest with them,you need to show them honesty is always best, even when it's hard. It's an important lesson for them to learn.

You don't have to include him in that conversation. Since you are divorcing, you will be having many conversations with your kids,without him.

He thought it was ok to cheat and lie. That's his mindset. It carries into his parenting. Don't let it carry over into yours.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:39 PM, Sunday, May 28th]

Yes, I think you are right. I KNOW his reason for not telling them is more to protect himself than to protect them. He's justifying it to himself with the old 'what they don't know can't hurt them' routine, which was funnily enough his justification for the affair being fine as well.

I know deep down they should know the truth. And that it is the only way to recover from a trauma when you can't understand what is happening and why.

It is just complex because if I (unilaterally) tell them, he is going to be angry and then there will be conflict in the house which there hasn't really been much of so far...and selfishly I need him on side to agree to a settlement without taking it to court, and for him to carry in supporting me financially before we are divorced.

It is very hard.But I know you are right.

If you can use your silence during the settlement negotiations to your advantage, do that. But once everything is signed, you should sit your kids down and give them the facts. In the absence of this information, they will make up narratives that will include the split being their fault. It’s their story as well as yours in a sense.

And make it clear to your STBXH that you won’t tell them is contingent on a smooth divorce. Big hug. It’s just another epically shitty part of getting divorced and breaking your kids hearts because of someone’s crappy decisions.

When I suggested we tell the kids about why we were getting divorced, my XWW said, "You want the kids hate me, don't you?!!" Oh, the victimhood.

Well, I told them anyways. They were 11, 16, and 17. I simply said that their mother invited another person into our marriage and that I wasn't okay with that. And because of that, and also because their mother no longer wanted to be married, we were going to split up. The older kids understood about divorce from some of their friends. But my youngest still couldn't fathom what that meant.

Whether you decide to tell them or not, just always stress that it's none of their faults and that you will both continue to be their mom and dad.

But as BrokenheartedUK suggested, perhaps keeping things as drama free as possible, at least until papers have been filed, might be the best course of action. You know your WH better than we do.

But you are exactly correct, he's only looking to protect his image and does not want to be held accountable. Poor little muffin.

I hope this advice helps you. I’m sorry that your children are being impacted by the choices that your husband made.

I too was facing divorce, and it became an issue as to what to tell our children (who were about the same age as your children are now.). I did not want to tell my children the truth, and say negative things about their father (even though he was the one that wanted this divorce)

My very wise therapist gave me this advice. If you don’t tell the children, some of the truth, they will resent you and blame you for the divorce. You do not have to give them the intimate details of your H’s affairs, etc.

However, you do want to let them know some part of the truth, and that this was not what you expected to happen, but unfortunately, you had no choice. They need to understand you could not remain married to a person who lied and cheated. You can then reinforce That you both decided together, that the marriage was no longer some thing that was in the best interest of the whole family.

Of course, your husband doesn’t want the children to know who or what he really is. Unfortunately, choices have consequences and this is one of the consequences he would love to avoid. I think lying to your children is a bigger mistake, than revealing some of the truth (minus the gory details).

As I said, I hope this helps you to understand that right now honesty and transparency is important to your children and your future relationship with your children.

That is the advice my professional counselor gave me years ago.

Poor little muffin.

Great approach when the WH tries to blame, shame or play the victim role.

The WH does what he wants, chooses to betray his wife and children, and thinks he can make demands and control what happens afterward?

Natural consequences suck for people who make repeated deceitful choices.

I agree that your children need you to be the one who is trustworthy since their dad isn't. And if telling them after filing is the wisest course, then you are doing what's best for them and for you.

Be careful, DV. You know best, but waiting can be a double edged sword. Be prepared for the possibility that he may very well spin a story of his own of what happened to them and cite you as the cause.

I do hope it turns out in your favor. Wishing you the best.

When my WXH left the house we (I) told DS that we aren't getting along and going to take a break. DS was a senior in high school. Within 2 weeks a friend of a friend saw WXH and OW out on a date. She contacted me and I immediately told DS that the reason his dad was out of the house is because he is having an affair. He thought a moment and then said "OW?" So, he saw the signs.

The best words I have ever heard in my life are my son telling me that I'm the one he can count on. I intend to always be that person for him. You can too.

Ahhh, I completely get the hard position you are in. We are getting ready to tell the adult kids and WH is adamant about not telling them. He will make things very very difficult for me. So I have decided to go along with the standard fare of telling them and I will have to be very careful with wording as I refuse to lie to them.

I need to get through negotiations with him as amicably as possible as he is also in the house. We have agreed to mediate and I told him all bets are off if he drags his feet, is not reasonable, etc. SO I would use that as your guideline to get to reasonable settlement as quickly as possible. If he is difficult or unfair- you tell the kids. Period.

It is very difficult to know what is best to do. Follow your gut and let them lead the conversation. If they have a million questions and want to know details let them know you will be able to open up more soon.

IMO, you got through one of the most difficult hurdles. Nothing is going to go perfect in this process. You can always readjust.

How have the kids been doing?

Thank you for all the replies. At the moment, I still haven't told them, but I think I will at some point as I honestly think they will find out anyway - my parents and various friends know so someone is going to accidentally say something - plus if the divorce is all amicable and mutual, how do I explain why my parents and sister won't have anything to do with him going forward? So I will tell them - I do want to be honest with them for all the other good reasons people have outlined. But I don't think I can tell them yet - I need to stay on reasonably good terms with WH for now.

I think I will use it as a lever to get a quick and fair settlement out of him - not exactly blackmail but more "I am playing nicely, I don't have to and we can do it the hard way if you like". I have already made it clear I am willing to go down a more legal route if necessary - at the moment we are trying to come up with a draft settlement ourselves.

The kids are doing okay. It is about a week since we told them now. They were upset the first couple of days but then it got easier, partly because we are all still living together and so in lots of ways life is still 'normal' for them. I know this won't last and they will find it hard, probably in waves. For example, we need to sell the house so that is going to affect them when we put it up for sale.

My youngest is more openly upset and asks questions - I think he will deal with it reasonably okay. My 15 year old worries me more because he tends to just say he's 'fine' in a very typical teenager way but he is actually very sensitive. He also tends to take on the role of making sure my youngest doesn't get upset. He is the one I am more worried about.

But overall- it is probably going as well as it can do.

I'm in a similar spot but I really think that, as hard as it is to not tell our 12yo daughter the real truth, I may never do so.

My reasoning is that as much as it might help me to not be seen as responsible for the divorce it won't help my daughter. She should be able to trust her mother and love her completely without being poisoned by the same thing that has poisoned me.

And even after the divorce is finalized I won't want to add a new source of anger to my relationship with WW. We're going to be co-parents forever. We're maybe going to have to share grandkids. We're not likely to be friends again but we can be colleagues and be kind and respectful to each other. We can make sure that our daughter never has to feel anxious about inviting both of us to a special event, never has to choose sides.

I told my kids. They were roughly the same age as yours. I told them in age appropriate terms. I told them in a way they would not hate on their Mom, THEIR MOTHER, and not internalize her faults.

Their Mother is a large part of them physically-mentally, and I kept that, keep that always in mind when speaking of her. I don’t want my kids thinking they’re some kind of spawn of evil.

Your kids are watching you-closely, learning from this experience, just as you are and, if they’re to learn correctly, make proper deductions, conclusions they need accurate data, the truth. Without the truth, they can draw erroneous conclusions, at your expense and, their own.

Turn this whole shitty deal into a valuable learning situation. Life ain’t Disney. Some day your kids may be faced with a similar situation. Be an example, show your kids how to handle your stuff when life happens. The only way for your kids to fully grasp, to appreciate the enormity of your struggle, your pain, is for them to know the truth. Your kids need to fully understand their parents or they won’t fully understand themselves or their world. Missing pieces of a puzzle of their lives they might need someday.

My Dad did this, which had this effect on my Mom, and has had this effect on me.

They need to know what “this” is.

You can’t hide the consequences, the fallout, the destruction of an affair, so you should not hide the cause and origin, leaving some inexplicable ruin just BEGGING proper explanation.

Q: "How-why did the house burn down?"

A: "It just caught fire…fire happens"

"Mom and Dad just stopped loving each other" ridiculously falls short of an adequate explanation for the level of impact your kids are noticing-FEELING, in the wake of infidelity, leaving your kids forever wondering, "W in TF happened…Is that what happens, you just suddenly stop loving someone…Is that how love works…is this what happens when you stop loving someone?" NO! Life-love is so much more complex than that and requires more than a simple, convenient, comfy explanation.

There are inescapable lessons to be learned here, for everyone. Of course the WS does not want to make a humiliating learning experience of themselves, but..they..did. If the WS is going to, at least, reconcile with themselves, they should handle this with humility, beautiful, respectable, admirable humility, something every kid would benefit to observe. Something we need more of in this world.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 3:32 AM, Wednesday, June 14th]

I didn't have to tell my kids, as their father made it obvious enough.

My parents never told us why (grew apart, etc.). Then my dad passed when I was 18. It took a couple more years after my stepmother stopped answering my calls, to put the pieces together and figure it out. I'm not angry at my mother for not telling me, but I'll probably also never forgive her. And I don't trust her enough to share much of my emotional life. I still love her and I talk to her regularly, and I get how tough it is to know the right thing to do as a BS. But she still won't tell me the full truth (it was between them, not about me, she says), and so I don't fully trust her.

But maybe that's just me.