SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Found out on Friday confirmation of my husbands affair. What's insane is I knew something was happening as it happened. Know the day they met, huge weird signs like him being MIA for 2 hours at the mall, some odd story that didn't make sense, to the next 6 weeks of growing paranoia and investigation. For weeks, on business trips, I'm trying to track him to see what's going on and why my gut what stop screaming. The whole time it is just sounding the alarm but I am not sure exactly why. I just feel like I'm losing him.

I finally found a credit card charge on Wednesday for Tuesday at a hotel about 30 minutes away. He said it was a bogus charge and challenged it. When he left the next day I suspected he would head to the hotel because if legit then he had to correct that. I knew he wouldn't leave it illegally challenged. I had turned his find my phone on some time prior and realized it was turned off over the weekend. I had asked him that night to turn it on, we both would and I sent him a request which he ignored. I realized he left his Apple Watch and was able to turn it on. It was 30 minutes after he hd left and lo and behold I see him at that hotel. I wait for him to pull out and call him confronting him. He gives me some excuse on it.

I can't prove it so I back down. Then on Friday, after putting our twin boys down for their naps, I decide to check more credit card accounts. Trying to focus on the non shared ones I finally find it. Same hotel charge, from April 13, on a different card. I call him and blow up. He still denies. I tell him I'm leaving. Finally after arguing why I'm owed and deserve the truth he finally starts admitting. And honestly I felt relief. To finally stop with the gaslighting and the crazy making and I can get the facts.

Says had sex 3 times from having just met her at the mall. He says he actually met to end it that Tuesday and blocked and delete all her info. It meant nothing, it was because of the attention, the attraction and ego stroking.

I'm working on verifying but not having her number makes if harder. He's been remorseful, humble, and very supportive and following my requirements. I told him that it's hard for me to know that he didn't just change her name. What's insane is I always had access to his phone and had been checking. Apparently they texted to meet up and he would delete it. I even went so far as putting spyware on his phone but it didn't work well and I had to delete it.

So I'm trying to deal with this. I'm not eating, hardly sleeping, all I want is sex for reassurance (freaking googled hysterical bonding), setting up therapy. I don't care at this point who this woman is as she's inconsequential and he's just the whore who was so easy to violate everything he holds dear.

We have three small kids, our twins are autistic so I left my career at the C suite level to focus on them about a year ago when they were kicked out of daycare. The mfer is opening a new business that's now in partnership with my brother and I don't know if he's trying to blow up his life or what.

I'm all over the place, been mainly just sad until tonight when sex didn't go well and I got mad. Im so mad that I have these images, I stopped asking for many details. I realize there are some things I don't want to know. But nevertheless my imagination is very colorful and full of details. Im trying to hold it together for the kids. I don't want this to be a chapter in their lives. I, in general, really appreciate how well he has handled things but this is now at day 3 and it's tiring and we are cracking. Im happy, im sad, im nothing. All the time.

So there's my story as cliche and stupid as it is. Our marriage and our specialness was blown up for nothing. A fling. Because he wasn't happy. And he had sold himself lies about us and his life, and poor coping skills and fing entitlements. And now I'm left holding the bag, doing the heavy lifting, having to again do right by others, all because of him.

Aftermath I think you have chosen the perfect name. And I’m so sorry for you for even having to join us here at Surviving Infidelity.

You will get great advice here. We’ve all been through it. We have survived it. But as your name suggests — dealing with the aftermath of a betrayal of this magnitude is a monumental challenge.

You touched on a few key points that are significant. Your cheating spouse told himself a bunch of lies to justify the affair. He’s blown your world apart — and it’s going yo take time to figure out what you want and what you need to heal.

I can tell you that often it’s not the affair that kills the marriage BUT the behavior of the cheater after discovery day (Dday) that is the problem. The continued lying and deception (and often cheating) takes its toll.

I urge you to get professional counseling for yourself. I didn’t know about SI after my H’s affair and I made some classic mistakes. But finding a really good counselor was the smartest thing I did.

Your H needs his own counselor to find out why he chose to cheat. And to understand the damage that he caused.

Keep posting here. Go to the Healing Library here at SI. We will support you through this. Nothing is off limits here.

I hope your marriage survives this affair. But you need to know your Cheating Husband needs to be all in on putting you and your marriage first.

Welcome to the best place you never wanted to be, Aftermath. You will get a lot of support here. Everyone here has been through this, as The1stWife said. It has affected and scarred all of us in different ways. Take what helps you and leave the rest (or at least leave it until you’re ready for it).

In addition to the great advice that The1stWife gave you, I’ll add that one thing is breathtakingly consistent from WHs that are caught (as opposed to those who confess): they continue to lie and hide for as long as they can. You caught the hotel visit; your WH said it was a billing error. Then, you catch him at the hotel; he makes an excuse. You find another hotel bill; he admits to precisely 3 sexual encounters. . .AND he says that he was at the hotel for so long that last time to break up with her.

So what are the chances that you now have all of the information? They are very, very low indeed. He is only telling you what he HAS to tell you because you ALREADY have the goods on him. He volunteers nothing but waits to see what you know before admitting anything, usually after trying to lie his way through it again first.

Do you think it’s really likely that he just ran into a stranger at the mall and started having sex with her? If so, what are the real chances that he has never ever done that before and suddenly does it now. Your gut has been screaming at you for at least 6 weeks, so it has at least been going on that long.

The fact that he has not volunteered ALL of the information that you need in this situation, like who she is (full name and phone number, where he really knows her from, how long he has really known her, details of how their relationship developed, is she married/in a relationship too) and the full extent of their contact, is a HUGE red flag. He is not truly getting that you have a right to know who your intimate partner, co-parent, financial/life partner, and father of your children whose welfare you (and he) are responsible for is involved with and the details of how deep his betrayal of all of you goes. He is not truly getting the consequences of his betrayal for you, your kids, and yes, your brother who is now in business with you.

It may be true that this woman is inconsequential, but if you don’t know who she is, how will you know if he continues contact secretly, or if they cool it and wait it out for awhile before starting up again. She may know who you and your kids are. Are you truly comfortable with not knowing who she is so that you can protect yourself and your kids from her? Until you know who she is, you don’t know if it’s someone you know or not.

The OW in my case was someone who knew me, my children, and my family. She had been friends with my sister. If I had never known who she was, I could have run into her at any time and been none the wiser. As it was, I found out that she ran into my mom one day and asked how we were doing. My mom didn’t know anything about the A at the time. These are just things to think about when you have very few details about the A.

The greater question is how much you can trust and respect him again if he withholds information from you and can’t be honest. This is what killed my marriage ultimately—not the A, so much, but the fact that he couldn’t face himself or me, so he continued to lie and hide and sneak.

You said that your WH sold himself lies about your marriage and his life. That is exactly what my WH did, and ultimately, he never figured out how good he is at lying first and foremost to himself in order to do whatever the impulse comes over him to do in the moment. I think the wayward that can’t see his own dishonesty with himself is one of the most difficult types to recover because that habit is so ingrained they don’t even recognize the truth anymore.

It’s possible that this is a temporary thing with your WH or a life crisis, but only you will be able to judge that over time. For now, the usual advice is to keep your eyes open, watch what he DOES, not what he SAYS. And if you do more investigating, don’t confront every time you find something out. He will just get better at covering his tracks and lies. He has created this mess. If he can’t put the energy in to fixing it, if he feels sorry for himself, if he doesn’t start coming clean without being caught, you will know what you have to work with.

In the meantime, a lot of support will be on its way soon. Take care of yourself and your kids. Try to get out of the house and do something good for yourself. Drink and eat when you can—it’s easy to neglect yourself in this mess. Seek support from family and friends that you trust. And keep coming here when you need to.

I’m so sorry that you have to be here, but it’s a great place to be full of people who get it. Sending you hugs of support and strength.

EDITED TO ADD: It is generally advised that you don’t share this site with your WH—at least not at the start. You need a place where you can share your thoughts and get support without having to think about how he might react. Keep this as your safe space for now.

[This message edited by NowWhat106 at 9:59 AM, Monday, May 29th]

Don’t be too quick to put the remorse label on him. He’s still lying out of his ass.

There’s a saying around here about true reconciliation being unable to begin until the last lie has been told. And in your case, he still has plenty of lies to spare and only admits to what you know.

Pay attention to his actions, not his words. You don’t have to bear his burden; you can take the time to take care of yourself and your kids. Is he even in individual therapy? Is he resistant?

I broke him. My gut told me when something was happening and it's fairly quiet now. I have full access to everything though I will own I pretty much did prior but took me time to figure it out and there is always the deleted texts. I could put spyware on his phone. I have full access to it. But im now at the point of I can't be bothered. Right now I can't be bothered to do anything. If it's continuing I will know. I will figure it out. Because with all of his bullshit we were very connected. What he was too stupid to realize is we were bonded and we know each other. We read each other. So we know.

I carried the fucking load for this family for years. I carried everyone's emotional needs including him. Especially him. I made him better. And he tells himself this fucking bullshit so im done. I already was struggling so he can do it all.

Im not stuck in this marriage. I have a trust fund. It's not like I haven't made his life better in so many ways. He was lucky to have me. He's too fucking stupid to appreciate that. So he can figure this all out. Im dropping the rope. Im going to have free time, not carry the emotional and mental load. Let him be everything for everyone and I can sit here and critique his effort. Why the hell should I try anymore?

My text to him.

How do I know I know everything? How can I trust or even verify it? I know what I basically figured out. Conveniently I can't know anything about her. Contact her to confirm you cut things off. See any evidence you actually ended things. You've proven you can actively engage in an affair even with my awareness and active investigating. And knowing I am in pain. That I'm aware of something. How can I know and trust and verify it won't continue? That how little it meant is true? That you aren't just protecting her and the relationship? How can I trust you aren't hiding anything because you are afraid of it getting worse? Of wanting it to continue?

How do I know it only started at the mall? That it hasn't been going on longer? That you would be honest and tell me? That you would be brave enough to lay it all out there? You've been denying an affair for weeks. But that has been a lie. Why would you be forthright now?

I'm a shit parent now. I can't begin to care to muster the energy to focus on them. I'm broken. I just want to leave this all behind. You hated me when I was actively being a partner and carrying so much of the load then I will just leave. Let you do this alone. Why should I stay? I will be why our kids will be in therapy wondering why their mom stopped caring and being present. Why I couldn't give them what they needed. That I became a shell of myself. I am not strong enough to put in what the boys need and will continue needing and Emma too. You've overestimated me and my strength. I was on E and at the breaking point prior. I can't muster any energy now. I'm now actively failing our kids and I don't see that changing. You leave and you leave them with a neglectful parent. So they need you more than ever now. You are all they got.

I say she is inconsequential because to me she is. She's a symptom of his fucked up thinking. If he continues I will figure it out because I trust my gut over anything else. I don't care much of her or inflicting anything on her. She isn't worth my time or energy. And I'm practical enough to know she will lie. What I want from him is solutions to those questions on how do I know I know all.

And his assumption is he would leave l/kicked out. And why would I do that? Let him carry the load of it all. That his faith in my motherhood superseded all else. That I'm a better person than I am. Well it's being put to the test. Because right now I can't muster caring about much else thst I cared about before.

It's only been two days and a holiday weekend so no he isn't in therapy. I did reach out to a couples therapist who used Gottman and CBT and she is calling me today.

And right, remorse is relative. He maybe not. I think he is. Because everything is transparent. I have full access to anything I want. I can put spyware on is phone. He isn't touching his phone much, leaving it out in the open all the time.

He's been agreeable to everything I have demanded. He hasn't given me any energy or push back. No deflection, owning his choices, etc. trying to figure out his whys. Quick to reiterate they are stupid and not blaming.

Basically checking all the boxes. But only time will tell. I know. We are only a few days in. Any day things can change.

He is broken, sobbing, apologetic, begging, scared, slobbering mess. And part of me is happy.

They met at the mall. Made eye contact. Chatted. He went back to the mall to get that high and one thing led to another. Very old story. A man with shakey moral values. A woman/girl who likes his looks. He feels burdened by family/children issues. Easy peasy. A local hotel, a quicky, then some planning and lying. What do you know, you have blown your life apart for someone you met at the mall.
You, Mr. Cheater, figure if you cry enough, grovel enough, you can put things back like they were. (I inherited a very expensive, one of a kind, piece of China, which my small child broke. I could have glued all those pieces back together but it would have been worthless.)Nothing is ever the same. You broke your family into a thousand pieces. You can’t think your wife is going to say, "La de da" and let you off the hook that easily. What planet did you come from? I am always surprised at the ws thinking things can be fixed with no "aftermath".

First things first. Look after your health. Stay hydrated. Eat small meals. If that is not possible get some liquid drinks that are fortified. Try to sleep. Give your body time to decompress and heal. You have had an injury done to you.

Cooley, exactly. He's 51 years old. We are so old and meeting someone at the mall? In Tumi? Jesus. It's so pathetic. Said she is 41. No one is a high schooler. It's just so ridiculous.

And more fucking pathetic it only took one meeting. They met, she asked him to dinner, they made out at the mall and then meet at a Holiday fucking Inn the next day. So not even a nice hotel. He fucking went low budget. Jesus.

So all it took was an attractive woman flirting with him to make him throw it all away. Fuck him.

Fir most cheaters they never think they will get caught.

Idiots! Because they usually do!!

I knew the night I was calling and texting my H for hours something was up. When he walked in the door I very calmly said - so what’s going on? And he admitted he has been with the OW.

He had no guilt or remorse. Acted like "he deserved to be happy". Ten days later he wants a D.

Without remorse people usually either cheat again or just don’t end the current affair.

Read up on the 180 in the Healing Library. At dday2 I did the hard 180 b/c I was planning to Divorce my cheating husband. We have happily reconciled but I don’t do errands for him, I don’t do his laundry and I don’t fall all over him like I used to. He goes to the supermarket and cooks at least 50% of our meals.

He took me for granted and that was his biggest mistake. He never expected me to stand up to him. Best thing I ever did.

Basically checking all the boxes.

Especially in the early days, don’t settle for a checklist.

Hope you fully embrace and indulge in your TLC. You need a partner, not another child to take care of.

Been a member here for some time now. One lesson I learned is that there is usually more to the story. Your base inclination may be to believe him, because that seems like the shortest route to getting your old life back, but it's not. Go slow. Consider everything. Seek advice. There are some very wise members herecwho will give you solid advice.

Generally, we recommend IC first for both of you. After you've had time to recover and heal, then MC. Your M didn't cheat, your WH did.

It's highly likely that they didn't use protection, so you'll need to be tested for STDs.

If you need meds, ask your doctor for help. Take care of yourself and if you can't eat, try protein shakes.

I'm sorry to hear your going through this. It's difficult and takes a huge toll on your mental and physical state. I'm still sort of new here but it's been so helpful to just get out your story or vent when you need to and ask questions for advice or help in situations. Everyone here I have learned is in different stages of this trauma but so helpful whether new or older in the stage of the affair. Definitely take care of yourself and your family it's hard for sure I couldn't eat or sleep or think of anything without crying uncontrollable which I still do. I drank those shakes the breakfast ones I recommend those I couldn't eat actually food, everything was hard to do. Keep posting and it's never easy but one day at a time. My husband also put in the worm when I found out but like others have said beware of the lies will keep coming possibly no matter how remorseful they seem it's what my husband said he kept a lie from me because he thought if he told me after 6 months the real truth I would leave him. I have learned so much from these forums and others for support that have been going through this all to well. Take care. Hugs to you.

Thank you all. I appreciate the kind words and advice. I'm soaking it up. Right now I'm not raging or crying so that's good. I've not been eating so plus side losing the weight I gained during covid. (Silver lining ha ha).

We went over the timeline again and I said this is it for any new info. Anything new and I am leaving. Hearing it now is one thing. Hearing it later is another.

I'm trying to drink protein shakes as they are easier to get down than food. I feel nauseous if I eat. Sleep is a struggle. 3.5 hours yesterday with melatonin. I told him immediately that we will need to get tested. Even if they wore condoms they don't stop everything. I have actually never had an STD test. I've married the two men I've ever slept with. So ya ya to a new experience. Sigh.

Trying to keep it together for the kids. My boys are level 2 autistic and adhd. They require constant oversight as one especially is extremely sensory seeking.

Taking it minute by minute.

The emotional rollercoaster ride can pick you up and drop you off at any time.

Minute by minute is an accomplishment.

I know there were/are issues in our marriage. I know that he had been asking for more, telling me what he felt about things but it felt so one sided. I didn't have my needs met. I was there to just fulfill his needs and so I just stopped. I shut down and said I wasn't going to keep giving without getting back.

So, to me, this is his punishment for me for that. In my eyes this is "f you". It wasn't well hidden. I had access to everything but the deleted texts. But it wasn't like I didn't have access to his phone either. Like he wanted me to catch him.

So now he's doing all the things I have wanted, blah blah blah and I'm just on the outside watching and still trying to get over the shock that here is a person I don't know. That he killed us. He's no longer mine. And it's just blowing my mind.

And I'm sorry I hope it's okay I'm just verbal vomiting here and not being a good community member and posting for others. I don't have much time with the kids and I just keep getting overwhelmed and need to get it out. I also can't figure out how to reply to people directly so why it may seem like I'm ignoring, I'm not. I'm just a hot mess.

So we have couples counseling set up. She's meeting with each of alone for a session each and then together. He reached out someone for him and waiting to hear back. I started seeing someone 2 weeks ago but wasn't sure if it was a fit and definitely not with this bomb. So I need to find someone for me.

Got high for the first time in my life. It was nice in regards you have all the mind movies but there is a separation between the pain and them. The pain is there but it's farther away and helped calm down some of the rampant anxiety. Not something I am going to make a habit of, but a nice reprieve.

Why are you going to MC? The marriage didn't cheat. You didn't cheat. He cheated. He needs therapy.

We don't ever recommend going to MC immediately. For a variety of reasons.

MC's tend to be ill equipped in dealing with infidelity. They're there to treat the marriage,not the affair. Many MC teach rugsweeping. Or they lay half of the blame on the BS. They don't recommend transparency. They tell the WS not to answer questions, and the BS to stop asking. A bad mc will do an incredible amount of damage.

It's unfortunate that you told him if you found out more,you are done. That means he will never admit to more than you already know. Tell him to wrote a full timeline,NOW. And verify it with a polygraph.

It's been a few days. True reconciliation takes 3 to 5 years. That's not an exaggeration.

Who is OW? Investigate her. If she is married, call her husband and tell him.

He knows more about her than he's said.

Also, real remorse takes time. Right now,he's sorry he was caught. He is in regret,and cya(cover your ass) mode.

Don't share this site with him.

This is so new for you. I hope you are being kind to yourself. Early days the goals can be as small as getting from your bed to the couch. Making sure you get in some calories and hydrate. He will likely have no understanding for why you are completely unable to function.

You said:

So all it took was an attractive woman flirting with him to make him throw it all away. Fuck him.

I think that pretty much sums up like 90% of affairs. It is pathetic as you said. If he’s worth trying to recover with then with time he will being to see how pathetic his choices were. But it takes time, which is grossly unfair because you need help now.

Whatever needs he had do not justify his behavior. It is like if you forgot to put the dishes in the sink and he beat the crap out of you and left you bleeding on the floor. The answer to why he allowed himself to behave in such a way would not be that you forgot the dishes. Everyone forgets the dishes at some point, those are the things you work through over time. You don’t cause irreversible traumatic damage to your spouse. It could take him a very very long time to see this truth. But many WS do eventually see it and they feel TERRIBLY for what they have done. At first they just feel terribly because you guys are now in crisis. But eventually with the right help they let go of their excuses and see them for what they were. Justifications that were magnified and distorted so they could selfishly pursue the easy way out of normal marital challenges.

For many people at your stage even acknowledging that this has actually happened is a challenge. Your brain simply wont let that truth in. Not until you are emotionally ready to begin to process. I hope you have someone in your personal life — beyond your IC — to talk this through with.

Sending you prayers and well wishes…

[This message edited by Stillconfused2022 at 5:30 PM, Tuesday, May 30th]

Hellfire, I get the help but you are coming F me with a lot of energy.

1. I know it's not true remorse yet or able to say so. I've caveated that.

2. Could there be more? Sure. I can investigate further but I'm tired and honestly don't care. More comes up then I'm done. I'm not underestimating anything. What I am doing is trusting me. Trusting following my gut and what I need. So right now I'm tired.

3. We are doing IC and MC. No the marriage didn't cheat. But our marriage did have issues and I own my side. I do not and am not owning his poor decision making skills. But I want to address all of it. We are going to hit at all cylinders and will have therapists agreeing or disagreeing with each other.

4. I really have no interest in her. I don't. I don't care to have any conversations with her. She doesn't matter to me. If she's still with him or with him in the future then my issue is with him and his choices and leaving him. She is a non entity. She is nothing.

5. I will never take a scorched earth approach to anything in my life. I find it not worth my time. I will leave with dignity and be the better person. I follow my dads saying that ultimately says "at the end of the day everyone's true colors come out". I believe it.

6. We have transparency on things. Find my phone is on, access to every account including all credit cards. I can put spyware on his phone whenever I feel like it. I know reconciliation takes years. I know it's the beginning and maybe I know everything maybe I don't. Time will tell. But I don't have the stamina for duplicity to keep info like that. I knew I was potentially shooting myself in the foot when I was doing it but it'a who I am for good or bad.

What I know are a few things. I know I can trust myself. I know i can trust my gut, I know I will be okay ultimately, and I know I'm going to follow my internal code so I don't come out of this regretting my actions. So maybe it will be my weakness and I get taken for a ride but it's who I am.

StillConfused, thank you. I think I have hit day "of fuck this is it for the foreseeable future" day. I'm bone tired.

He was cheated on in his prior marriage so he actually knows how this feels. Mind blowing.

But right now, he is being caring, sobbing mess, has not pushed back or gotten angry at anythifn I have sad, verbalizes owning things (specific things we are discussing) and verbalizing how they did not justify cheating. He is finally recognizing all of the pathways that led to this. And that's more of what I care about. The slippery slopes, the need for validation, the always wanting more, never feeling getting what he should, etc that got to this ridiculous point.

I saw it coming. Not the affair exactly, but saw him conflating his first marriage with ours, tailing against the unfairness of small kids again (a choice he actively made), tantruming again it, combining the two marriages into one with me becoming the object of rebellion and blame. I could literally see I wasn't actually me any longer. The anger just kept building. For years. And it was all laid at my feet. I was the fixer. I was supposed to fullfill his happiness, give him the emotional highs we had in the beginning. But no where did he ever look at what he needed to do or should do for me. I was just this object that was supposed to make life easier, be his little Mary sunshine, his buddy, but me. Who I am. Me as a person. She didn't matter.

I want that fixed. That's what hurts the most. That is what threatens us in the future. That is what gave him permission to cheat. And I think because I finally said no, I wasn't getting anything from him I was no longer goign yo keep giving to him, that he needed to attempt to do the heavy lifting on our relationship, I suspect the affair was also his punishment, his fuck you, to me. And that I am trying to still absorb. Because that's beyond cruel.