SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband is my world. As soon as we met I fell in love! I have never felt like this. I have always been treated bad my whole life have ptsd and have had trauma since a child. I gave him all of my heart. When our first daughter was born. I found messages on his phone when it was left at home. He was having virtual sex with someone I was heart broke!!!! I have been dealing with this for almost 11 years now. I am always breaking down and crying . He is always hiding things and looking at porn and talking to girls. He even made it to actually cheating. ISometimes I dont know what to do. All I have ever done is been treated bad and used since I was a child. My husband also verbally puts me down. I am so confused in my head. I will never give up on us. But I have no trust for him when it comes to girls. I have never told anyone about what he has put me through. This is the first time Im opening up. I have been dealing with all these feelings myself. What arent I good enough. What is this happening to me. All I do is give all my heart and love to him. I just wanted the same. I had so much faith in him. He is my best friend and the love of my life. What is wrong with me. Why arent I good enough. I am faithful on every way. I have all my faith and heart to him. I am so hurt and traumatized. All I have done is been hurt and betrayed my whole life. Why is this happening to me. When I am a great faithful person. He has talked to so many girls I cant keep count. He has even told One he loved her. I will never want anyone else. I just want him to realize what he has and to finally love me the same. I am such a wreck anyone I hear him talk to or anything I think he has something going on. I just want things to be like they were before.

Hello Mamato7

Welcome to SI, I’m sorry you had to find us. Please check the pinned threads above and the healing library. There is a lot of great information. I want to assure you that none of this is your fault.

Please begin to see him for what he is a broken flawed man. You need to get into counseling because this is a major trauma for you. Please stick around ask questions, and vent, you are safe here.

MamaTo7 - I am so sorry you are here and I feel
How much pain you are in from your post.

Gently- your husband knows what he is doing. It is choice and this is what he is choosing.

It is so hard to be going through this. I am so sorry. Please see your husband for who he is because he is showing you through his actions.

It’s got nothing to do with you. It is his choice and his flaws. I understand what you mean about him being your world but from What you have written he doesn’t seem to appreciate you.

Please read the resource sections. There are many people here who will also chime in . But it’s not about you at all. Hugs.

Take care of yourself.

Unfortunately, your WH has withheld vital information from you and the "us" you imagine doesn't really exist.

The verbal out downs are also a source of abuse. It's insidious and chips away at your self-esteem. It's designed to make you react in a certain way, so it can be a control issue.

Please look into IC with a betrayal trauma specialist, and try to find one with infidelity expertise. Thou may want to look into EMDR, which was developed to help people with PTSD.

It's not that you are not good enough. Please get that notion out of your head.
HE is not good enough for YOU.
He doesn't have the fortitude to be faithful in any relationship. He could be in a relationship with a top super model and he would still cheat. That is his nature.
As long as you stay with this broken man, this is what you will get. He will not change.
I'm sorry you are in so much agony. I wish I could take away your pain. But I can't. Only you can. I hope you can find your way out of this marriage, and find your happiness. You deserve so much more. Believe it.

In the spirit of anonymity, I would remove your first and last name from your signature line. Unless it’s an alias 😊

Now that we got that out of the way, nothing you did caused your WH to cheat on you for all these years. As it stands, your husband is living his life with zero consequences. He’s been able to do whatever he wants with impunity; this is the status quo. He does whatever he wants, cheats, sexts, has affairs, and no consequences. Nothing changes if NOTHING changes. You may feel like you aren’t in control or that you have no power over your situation; dear lady you have more control than you know. Firstly, get yourself into trauma counseling- find someone that specializes in betrayal trauma so you can learn to get strong and stand up for yourself. This man is walking all over you and you allow it because you think you’re not good enough, that no one will want you, or that somehow you deserve this. Sure marriages have problems - but is the answer to go outside the marriage and have affairs? Sext other girls? No. Mature adults discuss what’s bothering them, they discuss what problems they’re having and then deal with it. Focus on YOU - take care of yourself, get counseling so you can learn to be strong to leave this man who has repeatedly trampled on your marriage vows over and over. Normally, I’m an advocate for reconciliation. It just seems like the way you describe your husband, it is obvious he doesn’t respect you and I’m not sure he ever has. So maybe it’s time to be realistic and start the hard 180. Please seek counseling. None of this is your fault. If the marriage is suffering - did you cheat? No. But he has and is probably still. So that tells you the nature of his character and who he is. This is who he is - believe him!! You deserve so much more!!

Hi M7,

As you go through this, please come back and post! One of the greatest aspects to this site is community. This is a group that can understand what you are going through.

Infidelity is crazy making! You feel that lurch in your reality, but everything appears similar. It’s not your world, it’s not your life, this is not what it was. But it is. That jump, that lurch in reality is traumatic! We all believe at some point that we got this, we will beat this and be good in a couple of weeks.

Unfortunately, infidelity does not work that way. Not only does your world change, but that trauma, for whatever reason, stirs and raises all of the old trauma that was never felt with. It sounds like you have more than your fair share.

Also, 11 years is a lot of abuse. Yes, abuse! He has knowingly kept you chained and in a cage through the lies, gaslighting, and verbal assaults on your confidence. No one deserves that. No one.

Get your self into trauma counseling and post here. The good folks who have been there and done that are excellent.

Wishing you the strength and courage to see your reality….

I am pregnant with our 7th child together. He has some mental issues and was raped and taken advantage of since he was really young. He just needs love and someone who don’t give up on him. His mom even kicked him out when he was 15 instead of getting him help. We have 2 of our kids that are autistic. I think he could possibly be too! He hasn’t been checked though. I never want anyone else. God or Jesus would not give up and neither am I. He has physically cheated on me once. The other times were virtually which was endless at the time. He says he hasn’t talked to any other girls. He does have a porn addiction and hide emails and secret social media accounts. We are always usually together since he is caregiver for our autistic sons.

I'm a child sexual abuse survivor, as are several here. I was repeatedly raped by my abuser and my mom denied that it could happen (a lie). It's not an excuse for cheating.

You haven't failed him. He's hiding behind a bunch of excuses rather than work on himself to be a safe partner.

Yup may wish to look up Dr. Omar Minwalla and The Secret Sexual Basement. It may help you understand some issues.

ETA: Don't stay in an abusive relationship because you don't want to give up.

[This message edited by leafields at 3:27 AM, Wednesday, June 14th]

your husband is living his life with zero consequences. He’s been able to do whatever he wants with impunity; this is the status quo. He does whatever he wants, cheats, sexts, has affairs, and no consequences. Nothing changes if NOTHING changes.

My now deceased wh husband did the same thing to me, for YEARS. In a sense his actions destroyed me, my soul and I also now have PTSD from all of the trauma his behavior caused to me, for life! These experiences will now forever be a part of me.

I now can look back and can clearly see how devastating his behavior really was to me. Broke my heart. And I also, at the time while he was deep into his behaviors, felt so helpless.

Today I have a different opinion and outlook on cheating and lieing, gasslighting, etc. I would never be able to put up with it today or ever again. I feel for you.

Are you familiar with the terms trauma bond or codependency. I do believe this relates to you.

Love isn't supposed to be hurtful or painful. A loving spouse wants to take care of your emotions. Wants to make sure you feel safe and it will reflect this in his behavior and in his actions. Instead, your wayward husband is destroying you. And you have lost trust in him. He makes you feel bad about yourself. He is ripping your self esteem to shreds. This is no way to live especially because you have your children who so desperately need at least one healthy parent.

Eventually his behaviors are going to destroy your soul and will damage your brain. It's been over three years since my deceased wh passing and I am still struggling because of the emotional and psychological abuse he caused to me. I remember how I used to make excuses for him.

Your kids need a strong mother who isn't getting the life sucked out of her by her husband. Your husband is not only robbing you of your agency but he is also robbing your children first by hurting you and also by choosing to put his time and emotions into other women and porn.

I'm not saying to leave him because I understand that you have a large family to care for and it may not be feasible to leave him. I understand. I also chose to stick by my wh no matter what. And honestly over time he only got worse. Addiction is progressive. It will continually get worse and you also will be dragged down with your wh. I am not trying to scare you, I'm just trying to explain how bad a situation could really get.

My advice to you is to find a way to softly detach from your wh. Maybe become too busy in your own life and with your kid's to give him as much time and attention. Maybe don't confide in him as often. Make some small changes and don't always be there for him.

You see, he knows that you will stick around no matter what. And he knows this. And this is a problem because it gives him no incentive to change because wife will always be there for him no matter what. And I believe your wh is using porn and whatever else he is doing because he has poor coping mechanisms. Not dealing with life in a mature manner.

One thing for sure, please understand that your wh needs to fix himself and you can't fix him no matter how hard you try to. This is something he needs to do and he may never want to put in the efort and work to make himself into a better husband and father. He may already lack the desire to put in the work and effort to become an honorable husband.

His behavior is so very destructive, not only to himself but to those closest to him as well.This may be something you may have to accept and live with for as long as he is continuing down his destructive path. And that will probably be a very long time.

You can't change him but you can work to change yourself with baby steps.

My thoughts are with you. I'm so sorry for the journey you are on. It's an extremely horrific and unhealthy way to live. I am so sorry.

I’m saddened to read this. I’m so sorry you have been living a life that’s not good for you.

You made someone YOUR WORLD who didn’t make you HIS WORLD.

I suggest you get some professional counseling to support you.

Hopefully there you will learn to get past this trauma and heal yourself.

I suggest you stop putting your focus snd efforts into someone who mistreats you. You are worthy of so much more.

Your H has issues and a traumatic past too. He needs help to overcome those issues and heal himself.

He puts you down to make himself feel better. He treats you poorly to boost his own ego. He lies and cheats b/c he has some warped sense of entitlement. You cannot "fix" him. But making allowances and excuses for him doesn’t help him either.

Hi @MamaTo7 I'm so sorry you're having to go through so much pain in your marriage and my heart goes out to you. From what you've shared here, both you and your H have been subject to a lot of trauma and I really think that you need to seriously consider professional counseling as the first step to help you both.
You said that your H's mum didn't get him the help he needed and the reality is that even though he's now grown, he still needs that professional help.
You sound like an amazing wonderful woman but you've also gone through so much and it's important that you make your emotional well being a priority.
Please be gentle with yourself, the actions of your H is not your fault and there is nothing wrong with you. No matter what has happened, you are worthy of love that can be trusted.

Praying for strength and wisdom for you for the days ahead.

So sorry. the Betrayal by the spouse is such a horrible thing to work through. I am still affected by my ex husbands cheating on me. Have you considered counseling?