SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Many of the old-timers here know my story. My wife engaged in a secret affair with her ex-girlfriend in 2015 (d-day 10/04/15). She immediately ended it, cutting contacts with her ex. We struggled with therapy for a couple years, but she never made any significant progress. There were years of TT and it took here over 3-4 years to stop being defensive or dismissive. We have been doing much better the last couple years.

Sometime in the last 12-18 months a series of events and some random contacts helped her become aware that her anger and poor handling of the aftermath, which have caused me major stress and health issues, could possibly have stemmed from military service related sexual trauma. (My wife was sexually assaulted three times during her service in the Army.) She has met with a counselor and has been given a PTSD diagnosis. She will be seeking treatment (talk therapy) and filing a claim for MST benefits, as her experiences caused the development of unhealthy patterns of conflict resolution, that caused problems in many areas of her life and that in part led her to engage in her "escape" affair. It is possible we may also receive some couples therapy as well, which I know I will need by how I am physically reacting to each of her new discoveries and the issues she is dealing with.

I think at this time I am feeling the loss of time "wasted" by her refusal to address her issues earlier. It has greatly contributed to my mental and physical health declines. I now find I need to learn how to handle my anger about being a victim of her cruel and unempathetic reactions to my pain after d-day. And Omg — I tear up and tense up when I hear her apologize and acknowledge her part in this this. Where was THAT when I needed it?

Just thought I’d post an update.

Hi, I am very new to this site and to the world of infidelity (although I was actually in it, just didn't know it!) so my advice may need to be taken with a (huge) grain of salt.

I cringe like you do everytime my husband apologises, says he loves me, recognises the harm done. He is doing everything "right" now (though so slowly and imperfectly, with still lots of crying and guilt, shame etc, and a little teeny tiny bit of empathy and true remorse starting to show). And for me it's only been a few months after Dday (though years of hiding secret behaviors on his side).

The way I see the answer to your question (and I am scientist too so bear with my very "technical" response!) is that we as a BS have 2 choices in these situations: recognise that they are unbelievable and that it makes us suffer to hear them say these things now (showing they can and in a way knew all along!) and let them know OR offer them a space for "redemption" of some sort by "allowing" them to practice telling the truth though we won't believe them for now.

What I mean is that however you take these moments of expressions of regret, apologising etc (cringe inwards which only hurts you, lash out to say how hurt it makes you feel or let them speak it as a practice TOWARDS healing, reconciliation and fidelity), they are only ever for the wayward spouse in my opinion. They never actually do anything positive for us (except with repetition, over years and if there are clear consistent actions as well).

I have told my husband exactly how I feel when he apologises, says he loves me, he regrets the hurt etc, I let it be SEEN how it makes me feel and I have also clearly told him that I have no obligation at all to listen to him say those things but I have chosen to do so as a way for him to practice being truthful and acting upon the truth (so in a way it's my contribution to HIS path of healing and correcting his behaviors).

I have also told him that I do not believe him in those moments, I listen to him for his sake and ours because i have chosen reconciliation (so far) and maybe some day if he keeps it up, I will decide to trust him again and then actually believe him when he says it.

This is clearly spoken between us, he knows it hurts & angers me when he says those things (like all the things he confessed, it's all just this big bag of garbage to me, his words didn't mean anything then and so he doesn't get to have them mean anything to me right now, but HE is learning to give meaning to his words again and that some day will show!).

In all honesty, when he says those things (I regret, I am sorry, I love you and want to be with you) it helps me assess where I am at and how I am feeling about him (sad, anger, etc), and I make sure he knows it. Knowing he knows how I feel and acknowledges it, to the point where he understands that even saying sorry or I love you hurts me, knowing he is accepting that and working to move forward and everythin (and he no longer gets angry or defensive at all anymore), seeing that change in him gets to me very positively and is helping me to *start* building some level of trust, much more than any word he could say to me right now.

Did your WW ever report the sexual assaults to the inspector general.

Whoever did that should not get a pension at the very least into jail hopefully.

Hi, old timer here, I remember your story well. I recall you were having some health issues, I hope you are doing better.

I could have written your post, my WH TT me to death, PTSD set in, and lots of pain and heartache, years of wasted time. I don't think many WS understand that the aftermath of the A is sometimes worse than the A itself depending on their behavior and ownership of their actions.

Glad she is finally coming to terms with the impact her A had on you, and I am also glad she is getting the IC she desperately needs.

Survus

It happened 40 years ago, and yes, at least one of them received a court martial. But back then no one offered counseling.

neverwithout

That’s pretty much what I have done.

And we are discussing it. In fact, I thought if your remarks, which helped.

Finally. The key word in the entire post, OITS. Finally.

I wholeheartedly agree that the amount of time that it has taken your wife to get to this point was slow...painfully slow!

But the best things we often get are those things we have longed for and waited for over a great length of time. Their sweetness is generally so much more to savor than those things that come to us immediately.

I hope that you are able to savor the NOW of this more often than seeing it in relation to the years of pain you've had to deal with (both physically & emotionally). As one who also spent years WAITING (and waiting...and waiting...) I understand that bubbling question of "why did it take you this long...I told you about this years ago?"

The key here is to acknowledge the pain that waiting has caused, properly deal with that, but also cherish the fact that she has gotten this far AND that you are able to experience the deep emotional pleasure of the breakthrough.

Because of my wife's years of dragging her feet, deflection, and oftentimes, straight refusal to see anything except herself, I can find myself questioning whether what she says NOW is reality or if she's only trying to appease me somehow.

But consistency over time has a way of demonstrating what is truly going on internally. I pray that your wife shows that consistency to allow you to release those doubts that will creep in AND that, among other things, your stress is reduced to the point where you aren't as affected physically anymore.

You deserve this happiness, OITS. Bask in it!

CaptRogers

She is really making changes. But I think it is because my health is still deteriorating. There is no remission from this. I see excellent doctors, and none of them indicate my prognosis holds any improvement.

One of our goals with therapy (and we may be able to incorporate couples work — yay!) is to address how to reduce triggers and what she can learn about offering reassurances. I will be dealing with one effect of the affair forever, and that is management of respiratory alkalosis (overbreathing/hyperventilation). The combo of years of pain issues/chronic pain PLUS the fight-or-flight stress response of the aftermath of the affair have gifted me with this as pretty much chronic, for life. Reduction of triggering and stress are crucial to overcoming it (it can be done) but I have strong emotional reactions now that trigger it. So I’m surmising it won’t be fixed permanently. Frankly, Cap, I feel like I’m just biding my time here. Any next steps in my health care involve seriously scary surgery w/o hope of improvement in quality of life — or drugs that have already been ruled out because of side effects. I’m trying to hang on to what I’ve got, but it’s slipping.

Thanks for your words. This has been an all-too similar struggle for you too, and I appreciate your feedback tremendously.

Oh — I am exploring a type of equine therapy that will not involve riding. I’ve found a local equine therapy group whose therapist feels it’s worth an evaluation to see if horses can help me level some of my overflowing trauma-related issues. I just have to get my Crohn’s to allow me to leave the house. The stress has reduced my body’s ability to maintain bowel control, and this is compounded by not having a large intestine or rectum (removed and reconstructed over 20 years ago.)