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We have our first mediation appt next week. I think we will be able to be agreeable about most of the items. The sticklers will be the house and amount of maintanence.

What should I expect with mediation? The first meeting will just be spouses and mediator and the 2nd meeting will be both attorneys, mediator, and both parties in hopes to get to settlement.

I understand that the first meeting is a good indicator if this is a doable path.

I am so ready to get to the other side of this and start my new chapter. I am hoping to get there the quickest and most affordable path possible. I have an attorney in my corner so I feel very comfortable!

I am feeling cautiously hopeful that we may be able to go this path. Looking for others with experience in this realm.

Our mediation was very amicable and successful. The first meeting was together, but all the meetings after that were separate. I cannot speak for whether or not others do it that way, but that is what our mediator wanted. I think she prefers separate to prevent bickering and wasting time? I know that she said if we could not reach agreement, we'd meet together but be in separate rooms. And she would walk back and forth. The first meeting was laying out the process.

We got homework after the first meeting. It was like, "Come back with exact mortgage numbers, savings accounts numbers, retirement, etc. And start thinking about what visitstion will look like." She also talked to us about all the little things where kids are concerned. "How will you handle the activity fees, the doctor's bills, the sports? Will you have any family dinners? How will you divide holidays?" We went home and wrote up what we each wanted.

Then in our separate meetings, we presented the info we had, confirmed or discounted what the other spouse had shared, and agreed or disagreed on the issue at hand. Mediators go issue by issue and type while you talk, moving down their checklist. They miss nothing. We both work, have our own retirement accounts, and wanted 50/50 custody. So we had no real disagreements. It still took about 9 months to complete!

Good luck!

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 2:21 PM, Wednesday, June 28th]

Our mediation was very amicable

My mediation/divorce was very high conflict. I am quoting because of the contrast in attitude by the people getting divorced (i.e, my divorce versus OIN's divorce) but not in the importance/effectiveness. If I had a regret about my divorce, it's that I did not push for MORE mediation (we had three sessions at three different stages of my divorce).

If people are reasonable, mediation is great because you have an independent third party saying what is reasonable/fair/legal. It's shocking how many people have highly skewed versions of what is legal and fair. And I don't necessarily mean that it is negative way... I watched my (now) wife's mediation with her ex and he had a bunch of ideas on how their divorce should proceed that were complete nonsense... but he was actually calm/rationale and basically responded with "Oh, I didn't know that" and things progressed pretty quickly after he was educated.

If people are not reasonable, then mediation is great because you have an independent third party saying what is reasonable/fair/legal and this person can somewhat serve as a proxy for a judge.

In my first session of mediation (with lawyers present), we actually reached a bunch of compromises that were very reasonable. Unfortunately, we did not sign anything and after the fact... my ex played games after the fact and she had a very skewed version of our previous verbal agreements. In my second session of mediation (prior to my appeal), both sides basically said "we would prefer to see what a judge says rather than accept their offer" and that was fine. In the third session of mediation (after the appeal), both sides said "we would prefer to see what a judge says rather than accept their offer" for about 90 minutes... at which point, they decided to reduce their settlement offer by more than 90% and we reached a settlement (i.e., they were clearly bluffing).

My recommendation is to go into mediation assuming that it will be a productive session. If your primary issues are the house and maintenance... then do your homework and come prepared for both of those issues.

For the home value, I would look on the internet and find comparable properties (sold price is better than asking price) and try to produce an estimate for your home's value. I would recommend that you try to be fair to him and to yourself on this price. For example, I estimated our home's value (fake numbers) at $125,000 and my ex valued it at $85,000 and "not a penny more!" My value was based on comparable prices and her opinion was simply her opinion. So, we agreed to get an appraisal... and the property appraised at $140,000 (my point here is I was being generous to reach a quick settlement -- don't do that!). If the two of you cannot agree on a value, then just ask for an appraisal and be done with it. An appraisal is probably going to cost you about 2 hours of lawyer/mediator-time, so there's not much value in arguing over a price with an attorney and/or mediator present. Just pay for an appraisal and be done with it. (How you split equity in a home is a more complicated question because that's not liquid cash, right?)

Maintenance is much more complicated and it likely varies based on where you live (i.e., laws vary by location). In my location, it's based on income and the standard of living established during the divorce. A lot of people try to dicker with their income and here it helps to know the laws. Does overtime pay count? (in my location, no). What if someone doesn't work or only works part-time? (in my location, everyone is expected to be able to work full-time... or devote themselves to education so that they can begin working full-time). What about side-hustle income? (doesn't count where I live). I would definitely bring the most recent 3-4 years of W2's and/or tax returns.

You should also come up with a budget that makes sense for yourself and come prepared to suggest changes to his. Here again, people will dicker. My ex literally tried to convince the judge/mediatior that her personal budget required more income than what we experienced when we were together... virtually ever cost was inflated substantially. For example, she claimed a $150 per month water bill; lucky for me, I paid our bills and it was $150... every quarter, not every month. Come with fair estimates for yourself and be prepared to challenge his.

You seem to be reasonable and primarily interested in getting a quick settlement rather than a fair settlement. Let me caution you against that. Think about what is LEGITIMATELY fair for you. Also, do not trust your ex to be honest. This will sound ridiculous, but during my last session of mediation... my ex claimed that *my* salary was $10,000 per year higher than what it actually was. I had provided her a copy of my W2 and she spent 10 minutes trying to convince the mediator that I was lying about my income... which was quickly resolved by showing the mediator my W2.

I strongly urge you to not sign any agreement without your attorney reviewing it. Yes, the mediator should be fair but the mediator's job is to reach an agreement. Your attorney's job is to protect your interests. There is a difference in what they are trying to do that is very relevant for you.

Wow thank you both for your thought out messages. I really appreciate the insight.

I did not realize that we could meet separately with the mediator so that is good to know as this progresses. I can see that being very valuable when dealing with the tougher issues.

we have 2 adult children and one that is 17 so we will not have any child custody issues thankfully.

The biggest issue will be the house. And not in terms of home value. We both want to keep the house very much. Mostly due to the fact that the youngest has one year left of school. It has been our family home for over 17 years and it has much pull. Part of me thinks we should just sell it because we are starting new chapters and it would be hard for either spouse to deal with one person staying in the home where our kids were raised. If we sold the house, the youngest would be VERY upset. We shall see- this is the one issue that keeps me awake at night!!

I am happy to hear the mediator will help guide what is "fair/reasonable." I thought they were more of a facilitator than an advisor. In our state, there is no set calculation for maintainence so I have no idea of who will come up with a fair number. I will email attorney about this. I have a solid attorney in my corner and would not consider attempting mediation without one.

Off to work on the mounds of paperwork required for this mother trucking process. Seriously it is a full time job collecting the necessary documents!!

The biggest issue will be the house. And not in terms of home value. We both want to keep the house very much. Mostly due to the fact that the youngest has one year left of school. It has been our family home for over 17 years and it has much pull. Part of me thinks we should just sell it because we are starting new chapters and it would be hard for either spouse to deal with one person staying in the home where our kids were raised. If we sold the house, the youngest would be VERY upset. We shall see- this is the one issue that keeps me awake at night!!

I'll state the obvious but your divorce seems relatively amicable, which is very different from mine.

My original thought (I'm a co-dependent) was basically acquiesce the marital home because my ex-wife liked it and it would give our children (who were 7, 12, and 13 at the time) some stability. Unfortunately, this then got twisted by my ex into "how am I going to afford this house and these kids and so barcher144 needs to give me more more more!" That said, keeping the marital home could have financial consequences for one of you. Keeping the marital home could have intangible consequences for you and your kids. I don't have advice other than to say that you should carefully think about the consequences of your decisions. Certainly forcing the sale of the house (if you can) would put everyone on an even playing-field, but there is also a throw the baby out with the bath water component to that.

Off to work on the mounds of paperwork required for this mother trucking process. Seriously it is a full time job collecting the necessary documents!!

Yes it is. I actually started an organizational system in Google Docs for everything. That had the added benefit of having everything available to me wherever I could access the internet. I *use* this information. For example, there is a question about our parenting plan? I can look up our parenting plan on my phone because it's connected to Google.

Search "shuttle mediation" and "hybrid mediation"