SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

[This message edited by InACloud at 6:05 PM, Friday, August 18th]

[This message edited by InACloud at 6:06 PM, Friday, August 18th]

Welcome to SI and so sorry you had to find us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the page you may find helpful. Also, the Healing Library has a lot of great information, including a list of acronyms we use.

A great resource for your WH (wayward husband) e How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's just over 100 pages but is helpful in explaining what you're going through and things he needs to do.

IC (individual counseling) for each of you. When you've healed and he's figured out his whys, then MC (marriage counseling) may be done. Your M didn't cheat, he did.

Healing is not linear, and the emotional roller coaster ride can pick you up at any time. Healing for you can take 2-5 years, and the clock resets with more TT (trickle truth) or d-days. For me, it was about 3 years.

Thank you leafields, I’ll start looking through the library. I hope you are well recovered now.
I’m so sad and angry at the damage he has caused to what was previously a pretty unscathed marriage.

[This message edited by InACloud at 11:45 PM, Sunday, July 16th]

O e thing I discovered after Dday#2, is that literally everything I knew or thought a out infidelity was either wrong or inaccurate. Most everything was based on pop culture, the media, or just plain bad information.

I had to relearn everything. This site has been invaluable in thatcprocess. The aggregate wisdom here has been purchased at great price. Lean into it. Eventually, your bullshit meter will get very highly tuned. Just give it time. Give yourself the grace to learn and heal at your own pace...

InaCloud,

So sorry you find yourself here.

My husband was suicidal after Dday, and it kept me from taking action (separating) that would have been more healing for me and likely would have resulted in more truth faster from him.

Yet, I didn't want to risk our kids not having their father around.

Life is full of imperfect decisions to be made at difficult cruxes in the road.

Do focus on yourself now, and let him carry the weight of working on himself and healing the relationship.

(((Hugs to you)))

Thank you BreakingBad.
Is it normal to have a kind of ‘honeymoon’ period after discovery? Lots of emotion and passion?
We did but it’s now fading and I worry that without the high emotions my WS will get complacent about our relationship again and I will need to keep reminding him that I’m not okay. It’s a really weird confusing kind of grief.

I’m so sorry you’re here. Our situations have some similarities—long marriage that was mostly unscathed prior to the affair, the hysterical bonding after discovery (that’s what the honeymoon period you’re talking about is called), and fears for my husband’s mental health (we were caring for his beloved sister in her final days as she died horribly of cancer; she died two weeks after discovery, and he was a mess).

You will feel sadness and grief and anger and disbelief and a whole roller coaster of emotions for a long time. The two to five year timeline that people usually mention around here feels right to me. I was an abject mess for over a year, and it took another year after that to get to a point where my emotions weren’t centered on affair pain and healing. I’m three years out now and more even keeled, but I still feel pain and sadness at times.

It’s possible to heal and recover and get through it though. You need to be serious about caring for yourself and healing, apart from where your relationship goes. The best resource I found for that was Steven Stosny’s Living and Loving after Betrayal.

The reconciliation of your marriage is a different thing than personal healing. It takes two, and it takes a long time, under the best of circumstances. To even begin the reconciliation process your husband will have to stop the trickle truth. That’s deadly. A relationship can’t heal over the top of lies and secrets. It’s like stitching up an infected wound without cleaning it out. And your husband has to be fully invested in healing and reconciliation, even when—especially when—the hysterical bonding ends. Because it will end. The full impact of what he did will hit you more in the coming days and months as the shock of discovery wears off and hysterical bonding subsides. He will have to take full ownership of what he’s done to you and stand with you as you heal from the devastation.

These are still early days for you. It’s a hard journey—the hardest of my life so far, and I’ve experienced some significant traumas. But you will get through this and you can heal and feel whole again. It just takes time. Love and peace to you as you navigate these difficult waters.

[This message edited by InACloud at 6:07 PM, Friday, August 18th]

[This message edited by InACloud at 6:08 PM, Friday, August 18th]

I am sorry this has happened to you.

I am a year down the line. I had a breakdown last year and have still spoken to no-one apart from a counsellor. If you have someone to confide in please do so. I was in a really bad way. I still have no-one to speak to I’m apparently a tough cookie dealing with this bullshit alone.

I am now okayish. We are trying to reconcile but there has been trickle truth over the year and It really is rubbish. I’m finding it very hard to be honest.

You didn’t cause this. His lack of boundaries and flawed character caused it. Until he fixes why he did it you will struggle. My dh has sussed out his issues and it’s still an uphill battle. He has had many crying bouts when you can see the reality has hit. My sympathy is now limited - he caused this. I won’t stand for any suggestion that I contributed and my self esteem is very good. But I’m struggling with loss. My heart is broken into a million pieces still. I have hundreds, if not thousands of triggers each day still.

If he didn’t tell you previously that he was unhappy but told other people why did he do this? What is his reason? Can he not communicate? If so why? Was he hoping to have sympathy leading to an affair? If so why? I have asked why like a petulant toddler this past year as I find the first answer to be gloss or made up - the real answer appears to be the one that causes them to bite or deny or attack.

First, the turmoil you're experiencing is normal. It just goes with being betrayed by one's partner. Not everyone experiences every possible feeling and thought, but you're well within the normal range.

The sex is known as 'hysterical bonding'. It's temporary, but it lasts longer for some people than for others. HB comes from various motivations - for me, it was reclaiming what was mine. (That is, I reclaimed sex with my W, which I think is some sort of possessable 'object'. My W was free to accept or reject HB, although rejection would not have been a good thing for R.) Some people do not experience HB. Paradoxically, enough couples experience HB for it to be normal, and enough couples don't experience HB for that to be normal, too.

I don't think one can predict how long one will be sad or mad or even ashamed. I am convinced, however, that the quickest way through the feelings is to feel them. Your recovery consists largely of processing the feelings out of your body. That means accepting them, not trying to suppress them. You have your feelings; they don't have you.

The SI rule of thumb is 2-5 years for recovery. The thing is: after a period of feeling wore and worse, as you begin to comprehend what the damage is, you'll start feeling better slowly. If you keep doing your healing work, the good feelings will come more and more quickly and last longer and longer. You will feel joy again. You will feel good about yourself again (or perhaps for the 1st time). Have some faith in your ability to heal.

A 2nd aspect of recovery is deciding what you want and what you will do. My reco is to give yourself permission to both D & R and pick the one that seems to offer you a better life.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:58 PM, Monday, July 17th]

[This message edited by InACloud at 6:08 PM, Friday, August 18th]

[This message edited by InACloud at 6:09 PM, Friday, August 18th]

Gently, the progression from HB to not wanting to be touched by WS is also normal.

You don't get over being betrayed. You go through it, step by step, so you heal. I've stressed the normality of your actions because they mean you ARE going through the steps. You've started to heal.

The first step, IMO, is noticing and feeling how sad, angry, scared, etc. you feel. Feeling those awful feelings and processing them out of your body is, IMO, the way to heal. You'll feel terrible - but you'll feel even worse if you try to bury those feelings.

Don't be shy about seeking support. Keep asking questions here, if we help. If we don't help, ask for what you want from us. Don't be shy about seeking a good IC or meds.

Thousands - probably millions - of people have been betrayed and healed. Have some faith in yourself to heal, too. You really can survive and thrive after infidelity.

Hope you are okay today cloud. Your midlife crisis explanation resonates with me. You do feel more stable as time goes on. I still get angry and cry and explode but it’s no longer every day. I only cry for short periods now. I no longer hide in the cupboard and cry.

You must talk and cry and get angry. Don’t suppress it.

Trauma may be a reason he cites but it’s still a choice I’ve had a lot of trauma (previous sexual assaults and also domestic violence in a previous relationship) but that’s why I valued my marriage. It’s why I would never cheat.

It’s worth reading some books if you haven’t already. Help my spouse heal from my affair. Also work by Gottman on relationships.

Thanks Sisoon, it’s helpful to have my feelings validated.
I do let it all out, I’ve told him repeatedly that I refuse to bottle it up, even if I’ve already said it 100 times before. He listens and answers my questions. If he can sense tension at night when I should be sleeping he’ll ask what’s on my mind.

I have only spoken face to face to one friend but she has listened kindly. I’m also being supported well by his best friends, they know him so well I felt comfortable turning to them. They are here equally for both of us, although they are very angry about what has happened.

Abcd, today is a better day than yesterday but it changes all the time. Thank you for asking.

I just want to say that WH hasn’t used any excuses, he doesn’t attribute any blame on anything or anyone except himself. The citing of trauma etc is mg doing. I know he actively made his choices which I blame him for but the build up that led him to that state of mind I’m sure is down to those reasons. I’m not saying it wasn’t his fault, it certainly was.

However, he will have convinced himself that I didn’t love him. We’ve been there before for, what would seem to anyone else, as ridiculous reasons but to him it was real. The difference is that in the past he has broken down and spoken to me about it. This time he didn’t and if spiralled out of control, along with his behaviour.

I do believe that after the affair started he began to sabotage, perhaps unwittingly, our relationship even more to justify his actions.

[This message edited by InACloud at 9:46 PM, Tuesday, July 18th]

You say he is drinking. Is he being honest about his drinking? Or is he still being secretive.

My husband was secretive about drinking. It’s now one of my boundaries (I don’t find any lying or secretive behaviour acceptable, I will call out any hints at secrecy). He says his head is far better now he does not drink at all. This has also improved how he feels about himself. I think drinking is linked with fun and pleasure - it has so many ridiculous connotations.I am glad he has stopped drinking as I doubt it helped he decision making and downward spiral. But my eye is closely watching what happens next with this.

I also found the discussion of a lie detector led to more confessions. Sadly this was trickle truth and hasn’t helped us. It made me realise who he actually is and destroyed the narrative he had created. He had to face up to the fact he is not the nice person he says he is.

I have days I’m okay and days I think it’s pointless trying to work this out. I think that’s not helped by the trauma I have suffered in my life. I’ve sorted out some of my shit due to this (and only rock bottom was going to allow me to confront that). My faith in people has been hit badly and my past means I’m not sure how I’ll fix this.

Mine also convinced himself I didn’t love him. I have concluded that could be for so many reasons and he needs to fix it. For example

But is that because he had Disney expectations of love?
Or because his poor behaviours made him feel unloveable?
Or because his poor behaviour could be justified to himself by repeating that mantra (she doesn’t love me) to himself giving him the green light to continue?
Or because he wasn’t marriage material and needed to fix his shit via counselling prior to dragging a wife and kids into this nonsense?
Because he was selfish and focused on his needs without realising I worked full time with preschoolers who deprived me of sleep?

Why do messages from a near stranger equate to feeling loved?

What is love?

Why does feeling unloved allow him to overstep boundaries? I feel unloved but I’m talking and not cheating.

As you can see It’s not been a fun year in my house