SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I really don't know why I am writing this or how if it will help, but all I know that I can't keep it bottled up any more, I haven't told anyone about what happened and I think it's consuming me!

Before I begin with when I Frist found out of the "A", I wanted to say that we were together for 13 years (9 years of them married) and we have a 7 years old daughter.

nine months ago we were distant emotionally had a lot of issues, main one for me was that she was on a lot of antidepressants that made her emotionally numb, nothing made her happy or sad, felt like I'm living with a zombie. To her, that I was too distant. So she told me that she wants a "D", I wanted to work on our marriage still but I felt that she really doesn't want too, coincidentally, while I was adding credit to my wife mobile I found out that she had been talking to a co-worker of hers for a long period of times, after hours while I'm not around.

I confronted her and she told me that he offered to marry her after we "D" and that wasn't the reason that were are separating its bound to happen, I agreed, and was looking for a place, but every time, I pack my things and go, she stops me, and tells me to stay, I was in really bad place, I didn't want to be with someone who doesn't want me, and who also betrayed me, but I said to myself I owe it that much to my family, we agreed that she will cut down a bit on the meds, and she promised me that she won't talk to him again. and I will be closer to her, I know that she will need a lot of attention and care in that time (despite the fact I'm the one who got betrayed) I went above and beyond, tried my best is all I can say.

A month ago I found out that not only she talked to him she had a "PA". I can't shake the thoughts and the feelings that while I was killing myself to make her happy, that she would do that! I could've just left! why! I was there next to her the whole time, when she was in the hospital I slept next to her in the couch, just when I leave she calls him on the phone!

After I confronted her and of course she lied, and showed her a proof, she cried and told me the truth, and she told me she can't believe that she did that or why she did it, and she's sorry. we agreed to get "D" but she asked me to spend some time together before that happens, knowing that she has suicidal tendencies, I told her that we will go to a psychiatrist so she will cope up with what's happening. we had a bit of fun together but when the times and she got hit with the realty that we are getting a divorce she had a attempted suicide, I rushed her to the hospital and spent 3 days till she regain consciousness.

Now, I told her I will stay with her but no promises, if I can't take it anymore I will leave... and I really don't know what to do! I think I'm still in love with her, but my mind is killing me, it is like its overclocked, firing up all the time, like I want to put it to sleep, everything is a trigger.

[This message edited by HPYZ at 12:14 PM, Thursday, August 17th]

I am truly sorry that you have found your way here. There are many great people here who have been where you are and can feel your pain. You can really learn from their experiences.

There are a couple of things now that I can say. First, is that we are here to help you find your way out of infidelity. What that means is that the cheating stops, as far as you are concerned, and you are no longer in a cheating situation. There are two ways out... either divorce or reconciliation. Neither way is easy or painless.

The first way, which you mentioned, is divorce. You have a 7 year old daughter. That really complicates making a clean break. I am curious about something. When your wife was sick and in a hospital, and you were sleeping on a couch next to her, who was looking out for your daughter? Do you have family nearby? The reason I ask is that if you divorce and would not be with them on a daily basis, who would be looking out for your daughter's well being, since your wife is not well? So a divorce would be a very sticky situation in your situation.

If you decide to stay together and reconciliate, then a total clean break is necessary.

she promised me that she won't talk to him again

No Contact (NC) with the co-worker is an absolute must. She has formed an emotional bond with the co-worker and even though she promised to not talk to him again, if she is working at the same place as he is, then going NC would almost be impossible. She would have to change jobs to have a true NC. This is only one of several conditions necessary to have a true reconciliation.

Please look after yourself... no alcohol, drink a lot of water, exercise when you can, etc. You have to be there for your daughter.

Others will be along to give you better advice. We all wish you the best.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 4:46 PM, Thursday, August 17th]

Welcome to SI and sorry that you had to find us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the page that you may find helpful. Also, the Healing Library has a ton of information, including the list of acronyms we use.

You'll probably find out that the distance between you started near the A. Her being with her AP caused her to pull away and be emotionally distant from you.

Your mind being a mess is a normal trauma response. I suggest IC for you, and with a therapist who has experience in betrayal trauma. Your WW needs IC, too.

You should be tested for STD/STIs. If you need medication for anxiety, depression or sleep, talk to your doctor and get some help.

Meditation helped my brain to calm down. I have an app where I can access meditation exercises, and there are several free ones available.

This is a good time to think about what you really want. In the beginning, I was in such pain and I just wanted my old life back. Unfortunately, my XWH didn't do the work to be a safe partner.

Welcome to the greatest club that no one ever wanted to join.

I've been on this site for several years (less active lately). One of the aspects about infidelity that never ceases to amaze me is how hard and how deeply it hits betrayed spouses. For most folks, discovery and the shit storms that follow result in a profound shock and severe emotional and psychological trauma. It took me about 10 months before I felt the shock wear off. It took me years (as in several) to heal.

So, hold on to your hat, brother. Your life is likely to get a whole lot worse for quite a while.

There are things you can do to mitigate the nightmarish "roller-coaster" of emotions and thoughts.

Stay hydrated.

Try to eat small, healthy meals or snacks. I lost over 30lbs in about two months because I couldn't eat.

If you can't sleep, try a mild OTC sleep aid.

Consult your PCP and let him know what's going on in your life. Be honest. Chances are he's heard it all before (or might have btdt).

"Hit the gym!" That may be a cliché, but the endorphins and hormones will aid your recovery and healing.

Avoid alcohol and drugs. They will only prolong the process.

Take long walks, bike ride, hikes, whatever, to help clear your head.

Check out SI's Healing Library. You'll find a link at the top of the page. Inside the "articles" tab you'll find a wealth of excellent essays written by veteran members.

Talk to a lawyer (or two), even if only to educate yourself.

Focus on your recovery. It's your most important, immediate goal.

Keep reading and posting here. This little community helped me in ways I could have never anticipated.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 8:02 PM, Thursday, August 17th]

Never let someone manipulate you with suicide. Just don't do it.

I have a child the same age as you, and my husband was also suicidal after his affair & realising we were going to divorce. People who have affairs tend to be very weak, so it's no surprise they can't cope with the aftermath of what they've caused, and we tend to have to be the strong ones sadly. With regards to having a suicidal spouse - my only advice is to not rush anything... It's easy for people to say just divorce them & leave them to deal with it, but this is your child's other parent and you need to think of what's best for the child. I'm nearly 17 months out and still living in the house with my husband (we are separated, so he understands there is no chance of a relationship going forward) but I wanted to help him slowly come to terms with what he's caused & the repercussions such as divorce & him moving out of the house eventually, but he was not mentally able to cope with this for a very long time, it's taken this long for his suicidal thoughts to subside and I feel I've done the right thing, albeit it has been very hard for me, but it is best for my child in the long run as he deserves 2 capable parents. You don't need to make any decisions about your future right now, there's no urgency, just take your time & perhaps stay living together whilst both working through your own stuff with individual counselling etc and co-parenting, your wife can then have plenty of time to cope with potential divorce if that's what you decide, but at least the panic will be removed. So sorry you're going through this, we're all here whenever you need to chat 🙌🙌

I'm sorry you to find us but glad your did. Nothing you did or didn't do caused this, she is very manipulative and controlling. You cannot walk on egg shells or try to please her because of what she might do. Suicide has hit very close to me twice, these two never attempted or threatened it, they did it without warning. If she threatens it call 911 and don't let it guilt you.

I know that she will need a lot of attention and care in that time (despite the fact I'm the one who got betrayed) I went above and beyond, tried my best is all I can say.

I know this well, its the "Pick me Dance" and it never works, she use it against you. WS's see it as weak and unattractive. Please read up on the Healing Library, ask questions, or just vent, you are safe here.

Gently

Never let someone manipulate you with suicide. Just don't do it.

She fired you from your role as spouse. You need to make sure there are guardrails in place, and she has the appropriate support and resources, but DO NOT stay over fear of this. That is flat out manipulation on a level that you cannot create a healthy relationship from it.

Get her to her a sister, a parent, a best friend. But do NOT commit to staying in your M because you are afraid of what she will do. If you seriously want to give R a go, then she needs at least 3-6 months of intense therapy, and medications most likely to get her head to where she can even start to own what she did to you and your family.

In the meantime start focusing on your health, both physical and mental, if you are struggling w/ the overwhelmingness of it all then get yourself in therapy. You also need full STI testing. I would also suggest you see an attorney ot get a full understanding of what your options are, and what D or S looks like for you. Knowledge is power.

HPYZ;

You are getting really good advice here, IMHO.

I understand you're willingness to stay and ensure your WW's health (Physical and Mental) is stable enough for you to decide what to do. Caring for the other is what good spouses do. You do it out of love.

What your WW did, however, was not out of love - it was out of selfishness and entitlement. I think I understand a question you have rolling around in your head: Was this adultery partly from medication? Well, I'm no pharmacist, but I think it may have weakened her personal barriers. I think that is possible. A drug that helps one person may be detrimental to another.

So what do you do? Do you stay until she gets that crap out of her system, gets help to put her mind and heart back in proper working order, then review the situation at that time? Or, do you file for D and move on? Only you can decide what to do and when.

You have been given a "blank check", here. You can cash it in and get out of this marriage (D), or you can put it in a drawer and see where things go for a while.

Your mind is probably in a whirl trying to figure out reality. You will need a little time for things in your head to settle down as your brain reviews everything stored up there and re-organizes it based upon this new information of her cheating. This will take a while and you might even have difficulty thinking sometimes. That's ok. This is normal, for a period. For how long? Nobody knows because everyone is different.

I hope this provides a little clarity about what's happening inside you. We're here to help you, so post often and keep us up to date what what's happening and how you are doing.

Remember: Here, you are not alone!