SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know this topic has probably been covered in other threads but it’s easier asking the question again than digging through all the posts.
A little background: we had been married 29 years when I discovered the affair was happening, the AP was the same age as my children (college age) when the affair started, she was friends with my kids and my husband had no problem with her becoming a fixture at our house, and the affair had been going on for 7 years when I finally figured it out. That was 4 years ago.
I can forgive him for having an affair. I am willing to admit that when the affair started our marriages was not in the best place. We had spent years raising a family and suddenly it was just the 2 of us again. We had lost our ability to communicate with one another about anything but the kids. I know this doesn’t justify what he did, but it helps me understand it.
I can forgive him for getting involved with someone less than half my age. But this was a little harder because she was friends with my kids, and they were hurt when they lost what they thought was a good friend.
What I can’t seem to forgive is he let it go on for 7 years. This is a fact that has been gnawing at me for 4 years now. I couldn’t forgive it 4 years ago, I can’t forgive it now, and I don’t see me ever forgiving it in the future.
Can you forgive some things but not other things about the affair and have a successful reconciliation ? Is this something I just need to let go of so I can move on? He has done nothing in the last 4 years to make me think he is anything but all in for making this marriage work. I feel like it’s me that’s holding us back.

I read on here a few days ago "you don't have to forgive everything to R".

If I had successfully reconciled, i know that would have meant accepting things I couldn't live with and learning to accept them regardless.

I understand there are certain things that just make it unbearable and seven years is absolutely agonising. There are people who have experienced similar who will come along soon and give better answers, but for me personally I know all along this experience would mean accepting things I felt were unbearable and finding a way for them not to be.

This is something that I am also chewing on. HellFire recently posted something that really resonated with me. I'm paraphrasing, but it was something like: There are some things that we will never be able to get over, but R can still be successful.

It's been 19 years for me, and I think that I have very successfully R'ed, but there are things that are still very painful that I can't put to rest. I started IC because I wanted to get over them, but maybe they're just not get-overable. Maybe I just have to learn to deal with feelings when they pop up.

The biggest thing for me isn't even infidelity related. My H left me alone in the hospital when my oldest DD was born. She was a preemie and I was recovering from a C-section, and he wasn't there. I needed him to help me take showers and hold her and things like that, but instead I was alone and in desperate need of a shower when friends came to visit. I was mortified. He had time off because of the birth, but he didn't spend it with me and the baby. He spent it with his military buddies at my house, partying. Instead of a peaceful homecoming with our new daughter, I came home to a houseful of strangers, smoking and drinking in my living room, after we had stopped smoking in the house for many months due to her impending arrival. Something fundamental changed that day, and I don't think I'll ever be who I was before that enormous hurt. To this day, when he admires the beauty of a pregnant woman, it does nothing but piss me off.

So, anyway - I get it. I also feel like I'm the problem when I get upset about not being able to work through the hurt he caused me 34 years ago. He is not who he was then, and our marriage is better than it's ever been, but I'll probably never get over that. There are no do-overs on bringing home your first baby. There's no way to take back 7 years. But the relationship today can still be warm and close and healthy.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 8:37 PM, Thursday, September 21st]

This is something that I am also chewing on. HellFire recently posted something that really resonated with me. I'm paraphrasing, but it was something like: There are some things that we will never be able to get over, but R can still be successful.

We cross posted there but this is exactly the comment I was myself referring to - interesting that it came to both of us. I thought it was a very good point.

It's been 19 years for me, and I think that I have very successfully R'ed, but there are things that are still very painful that I can't put to rest. I started IC because I wanted to get over them, but maybe they're just not get-overable. Maybe I just have to learn to deal with feelings when they pop up.

I know if I had successfully R'd this would have been how I felt. I would have just had to learn to put up with the feelings when they came. There was never going to be resolution for me or any kind of "healing" that would ever make some of the stuff he did okay. I think I would have just had to remind myself it was the past, it was over and now was now.

Good question. I’m no where near forgiving (at least it doesn’t feel like it). I’m trying to accept it, as in simply accepting it happened. There are little details that just torture me though and I wonder how to accept them. I have a tough time accepting what I can’t understand and that’s a me problem.

I have seen on here where some people were able to forgive everything...like me. I have also seen on here where some people weren't able to forgive anything. Then there are others...like you...who can't forgive some aspects. You are in great company .

HOW can we forgive the unforgivable??? For ME...I relied on my faith...and gave my H MERCY. Not at first...because I actually lost my faith on Dday. But eventually I was able to ask God for forgiveness for what I did to Him...and that was able to help me to understand the power of forgiveness both for me and for my H .

I have seen several posts on here about acceptance. I see forgiveness and acceptance as two different things. For ME...I really TRIED to accept what my H did. I would say the Serenity Prayer over and over...and over again. But it was to no avail.

HOW can we accept the unacceptable??? For ME...I couldn't. I was watching a show on the Animal Planet one day...I believe it was about meerkats. The host on the show started talking about these sweet creatures having to ADAPT to a new environment. Those that weren't able to adapt...died. That was my AHA moment !! I am a SURVIVOR!!! I didn't have to ACCEPT anything about my H's A...but I sure could ADAPT to this new environment I was thrust in through no fault of my own !!!

It's all about perspective . Like you...I felt I was holding us back from being able to move forward to a new phase of our M. I WANTED something that could never happen...our M BEFORE my H's A. When I was able to let go of that thought...I was able to see the BEAUTY of our M AFTER my H's A. THIS was something WE could build on . When our M got to the other side of infidelity...which can only happen when BOTH spouses are ALL IN...it was MAGICAL!!

You say that your husband is ALL IN...that's half of the equation . It doesn't matter what your husband wants though. Only YOU can decide what you want to let go of and what you want to hold on to Dear Lady . I CHOSE to end my 1st M after infidelity. I CHOSE to stay in my 2nd M after infidelity. I don't regret either CHOICE . Whatever you CHOOSE...it will be the perfect choice for YOU .