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I am going on year 2ish of reconciliation and am having a hard time trying to figure out if I made the right choice.

Ultimately, I decided to reconcile (this is after over a year of him lying and cheating, emotionally and physically) because we have 3 young children and I didn’t want to split time with my H 50/50.

After we reconciled I grew to love him again. Things were going amazing and then he f*ed up, AGAIN. He started talking to the women he originally had the affair with. He says there was no "cheating" but talking as "friends." (She lives in another state so the physical would be hard, I’m concerned about the emotional shit)After I caught him yet again (in July of this year) I decided to forgive and move on but I just can’t help but think, it doesn’t matter what I do I can’t change the happiness of this man I’m married to.

He keeps telling me he’s in this marriage for the long haul and no matter what he’s going to be faithful and he’s committed to this marriage….he has gotten counseling help since I caught him this last time and he seems genuinely committed to our marriage. Being in this marriage is making ME crazy. I want to support him, but to what extent? How far from my own happiness am I supposed to be to accommodate someone I think will never be happy?

I’m just trying to get things off my chest. Thanks for reading!

...it doesn’t matter what I do I can’t change the happiness of this man I’m married to.

I want to support him, but to what extent? How far from my own happiness am I supposed to be to accommodate someone I think will never be happy?

Can you provide a little more detail about what you think or he thinks he needs to be happy?

I worry that he's convinced you that he betrayed you because he was "unhappy" or that he "needs" to maintain "friendships" with the women for his happiness. Am I drawing incorrect conclusions?

I decided to reconcile (this is after over a year of him lying and cheating, emotionally and physically)...After we reconciled I grew to love him again.

Gently, reconciliation is a process more than a decision, and maybe that's why you are struggling.

You can decide to give reconciliation a chance, but actually being reconciled requires your WH to do the work to become a safe partner to you, and for him to do the work to help heal the relationship, and for you to give yourself time to heal from the trauma of betrayal.

What has your WH done to explore the deeper reasons why he chose to cheat? What has he done to grow as a person so that he won't make those choices again?

What has he done to reduce his self-centered thinking and grow his ability to empathize with how his choices either build or damage your marriage?

How would HE feel of you continued to maintain "friendships" with boyfriends you had on the side while married? Would he be cool with that, because...you know, happiness for you?? I don't think so.

If he is still contacting the girlfriends that he had while married to you, you aren't in reconciliation. You're still in infidelity. That's harsh, I know.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

Love is an action, not just a word or a feeling. His actions with you aren't loving; they are emotionally abusive, and you're feeling that.

Your love for him shouldn't be measured by your capacity to give ground and endure pain.

It's okay to draw a line and say, I have to love myself and care for myself. Time for some self care.

If you can't make any decisions now, it's okay. But take care of you.

You deserve so much better.

[This message edited by BreakingBad at 1:24 PM, Saturday, October 14th]

Things were going amazing and then he f*ed up, AGAIN. He started talking to the women he originally had the affair with. He says there was no "cheating" but talking as "friends."

One of the things that I've been saying for years, is that when a WS chooses to continue, or engage in another, affair after the BS has found out, that it's no longer "just a weakness of character", but a deliberate choice that the WS makes fully knowing the consequences and pain it will cause. I'm sorry to say this, but if he was talking to the OW, even if it was "just talking", which I doubt, he was continuing the affair at some level.

it doesn’t matter what I do I can’t change the happiness of this man I’m married to.

No. You can't. And that's not your responsibility. You can only be responsible for your happiness, for advocating for your needs, and for your part in the marriage. Only he can do his. And only he can decide what is important to him.

How far from my own happiness am I supposed to be to accommodate someone I think will never be happy?

Here's another way to look at this question. What do you need to be happy? And what fears prevent you from taking that path?

I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. It is okay to take care of yourself. If you're not familiar with the 180, a soft version might help bring you clarity and perspective while you try to understand what you need.

What has your H done to change from cheater to good partner?

NC - No Contact - is one of the requirements for R. Ii other words, no NC, no R. His resuming contact with his ap is a gigantic red flag and usually a reason to end R.

R is a process of building an M that serves you both. If the new M doesn't serve you, it's up to you to seek the necessary changes. You have to risk your M to save it.

Does he now understand that he can’t have the AP in his life in any capacity?

He's put you through false R. He's clearly not doing the work,or remorseful. If he was, talking to the ow would have never happened. You can't be friends with the AP. And why would he even want to??

Some cheaters are in the marriage for the long haul. They don't want a divorce. After all, child support for 3 young kids will ne expensive. He likes having a wife, and a side piece.

Stop forgiving someone who isn't doing the work.

His actions don’t seem to match his words.

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