SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi,
I am 8 weeks out. My WS and I were just about to start couples counseling and were new empty nesters when he disclosed he went repeatedly to massage parlors for happy endings, etc. 9 times between 2016-2021. I am not at all sure I can forgive my WS. I would like some healing to occur between my WS and I whether we reconcile or not. We have two wonderful children together who we both love very much. In my heart of hearts, I don't think my WS is a horrible person. I think he has sexual compulsion that stems from his childhood issues and poor coping. He was in a sexless marriage in his twenties and went to massage parlors right before the marriage ended as well. It doesn't mean that I know that I want to be with him. He has lied and gaslighted me which is the worst part of this whole thing. I would like to understand his issues and my issues for healing either way. Addiction runs on both sides of our family so I would like to have as much awareness for our children as possible. I also don't want to repeat patterns if we do break up.

I know I tend toward codependency and don't want to overhelp my WS find resources or be too empathetic. I am struggling with what is too much..

1.Are betrayal trauma/cheating/sexual compulsion specialists, intensives worth the money?

2. My spouse has not been completely honest. I have asked for a full therapeutic disclosure. He is open.

3.I asked for a therapeutic separation. I need some space as my nervous system is a wreck and until he is completely honest with me I need physical space. We will likely spend half the week at the house and half the week at friend's house.(His mom died 3 weeks ago so he is also grieving!)

My WS has been working with a a small men's group run by a therapist (not focus on sexual addiction), an individual therapist (not trained in infideilty) and going to a one Alanon per week with a sponsor in a 12 step program for the past 2.5 years. Although I did not understand why he was doing so much work, after DDay, he told me it is because he realized he had a problem and needed support to stop. He is just now opening to the idea that he might have a sexual addiction because I said I related to partners of sex addict forums. Supposedly, his therapist did not think this is addiction.

3.He sees an individual therapist that he likes and trusts. Is it better to do a full disclosure with a trusted therapist using a book on the topic or a therapist trained in sexual betrayal? (I have found a good book on the topic of course.)

3. Lie detector test-who gives lie detector tests?

4. I am trying to focus on myself-individual therapy, finding a betrayal trauma specialist, yoga, meditation, friends. space, art...

1..not unless he's honest and remorseful. He's not either one.

2..if the only way he will be honest is doing a therapeutic disclosure..then he won't be honest during the disclosure. He will lie then,just as he's lying now.

3..a separation is a good idea. It will help give you some clarity. His therapist doesn't believe he's a sex addict. I think tha should be respected. Many BS,and WS, want to label serial cheaters as addicts. If he Is a SA, then he has a ready made excuse the next time he cheats,and it means you will be constantly on guard for the next time.

A polygraph is a good idea.

You need to be tested for stds. Him too.

At 8 weeks out,you should be taking care of yourself and watchijgnhis actions to see if he is reconciliation material. At this point, he is not. He is lying. And if he is lying, he's not remorseful.

I agree with all of Hellfire’s opinions.
Being truly honest and open is extremely hard for most people under the best of circumstances because the natural urge is to protect one’s self. Imagine the difficulty a WS faces with the added desire not to be seen as broken, or heartless, or - in most cases - at fault in any meaningful way. It’s a heavy lift that most aren’t up for. If he requires certain circumstances or settings just to be honest, that’s going to be difficult road for both of you.
Oftentimes, waywards seem to have amazingly insightful revelations in their first weeks or months of therapy. Yipeee. Of course they do. Usually, their BS had to threaten and coerce them to go, in the first place - and the WS sure as hell wants to make ‘progress’, so it’s not surprising that within a few visits with the first therapist they ever talked to they’re suddenly able to say: "this is why I did what I did".
Are they really suddenly able to do that work which evaded them for years? Did they really find their ‘reason’? Hope so, because that’s gonna be the basis of ongoing therapy.
Let’s say they got it right… How long, if ever, does it take them to mature enough to figure out why they layered betrayal and a complete lack of honesty and integrity on top of the ‘reason’?
If they successfully get through THAT, are they up to the task of formulating a plan to abandon those behaviors for constructive boundaries?
Lastly, if successful in that, do they have it in them to be honest if they were to ‘slip’?
The things you’re doing right now to prioritize yourself and give yourself clarity are awesome. You need to have your feet firmly planted to be in the best position to do what you need to do - which is to be able to demand accountability at any cost.
It’s taken my WS and I multiple D-days and multiple therapists just to get to the point where she understands why she does what she does - and where I understand how and why I enabled it for as many years as I did. Looking back, I was a huge obstacle to a successful R.

#4 for the win.

IC for clarity, support, and strategic planning. The rest tends to evolve.

Best!