SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My xWP is so emotionally detached it literally boggles my brain (I too am a WP but, I have addressed or started to address my why’s and done a lot of self reflection)

We are currently not together but, still living together until we can sell.

Anyway, we were having a conversation last night where I’ve said to him over the 12 years we had been together I was very emotionally vulnerable with him, I had a difficult childhood and he knows everything. However, he’s NEVER been emotionally vulnerable with me. He said he doesn’t believe that’s true, I’ve said it is. His father passed suddenly quite young and my WP was only 21 himself at the time… he’s spoken to me about his fathers passing once only in 12 years.

Other than that, he’s never told me how he truly feels about anything at all. I’ve only just come to this realisation. Anyway, he said last night that he hasn’t had a moment to himself the last couple of months to actually be able to sit and think about what he has done and everything that’s happened, I’ve suggested to him this has been done possibly on purpose subconsciously. Since he just throws himself into work and that’s all he will focus on (he is a workaholic) I know it’s been a really hard couple of months, me finding out he had been having an A, trying to R which turned out to be a false R from him, him saying he doesn’t love me anymore and hasn’t for 6 months but, only just realised it? I’ve been suffering with depression for 16 months which I kept to myself, I had a miscarriage last year which I also kept to myself, the depression took a really dark turn and there were several S attempts from me, he stonewalls and refuses to talk honestly about what’s happened and why he’s done it. I get frustrated because, after 12 years I think I deserve to know the full truth.

Anyway, he said he isn’t an outward thinker (no shit) I’ve said clearly neither am I otherwise I wouldn’t have suffered on my own for so long but, I’m trying my best to change this and be open and honest myself. But, he is saying he doesn’t really think about any of it at all… I said what, you don’t have one single thought rolling around in your brain? He said no… what the hell? I’m sorry I think that is really quite sad, that he clearly cannot connect to his own thoughts and emotions and can obviously detach himself from everything and anything so easily, I’m sure that’s not very healthy? An ingrained coping mechanism perhaps? He seems to just compartmentalise everything. I even had to explain to him the difference between guilt and remorse like, he genuinely was asking what the difference was. I said to me guilt is more of a selfish standpoint, how you feel about your actions but, remorse is showing empathy towards the other persons thoughts and feelings and actually understanding what your actions have caused to them. (Maybe I am wrong but, that’s how I view it anyway)

Then, it was almost as if he was trying to blame me for him not being able to talk and be honest as he’s worried about my reaction. As if I’m not allowed to be upset or angry about what he says and does. I understand there have been times I’ve let my emotions get the better of me and it has ended up in an awful argument. But, I’m trying to tell him it ends up that way for me because of frustration, sometimes I feel like he only admits things when it gets heated. But even then, I don’t get much from him. Nothing works, heated discussions, calm discussions, vulnerable discussions… he just isn’t capable of looking inward at all. I think it’s pretty clear I am trying my absolute best to keep my emotions in check, he knows this. We’ve not had a bad word for the last 2 weeks.

I guess what I’m getting at is, is this a common theme for WS to just completely detach yourself from anything and everything? And I guess is there anything I can do to help him? He refuses to go to therapy almost as if he feels he doesn’t need to change anything and he is fine.

He says nothing affects him because he doesn’t think about it and if that’s unhealthy then ok.

I am worried about his mental state. He said he would tell me if he felt depressed but, he’s not even sure what that feels like. He hinted at the fact he isn’t feeling suicidal it can’t be depression and I’ve said to him, you don’t have to feel that way to be depressed it can be different for everyone.

Fact of the matter is he is so closed off with everyone. He rarely tells anyone he loves them, not even his mother. Everyone knows him as quiet and closed off, doesn’t speak about anything to do with emotions and feelings ever. Even his AP said to me "you know what he is like, he’s a closed book" … wow.

[This message edited by lostandconfused90 at 11:10 AM, Thursday, October 26th]

So I finally feel I can offer a little perspective. I am a massive hider of my feelings and for being emotionally detached, always have been but since the A I have tried really hard to be more open and communicative with my feelings and what goes through my mind with my BS. This doesn’t always work and there have been times when I have held back rather than be open with her as we have moved along on our journey. Now I am not saying that it is easy and I have failed at every hurdle you can think with TT being the absolute destruction and possibly resulting in the end for my BS but with that being said I do feel my inward introspection and my own self criticisim is much more on point now.

This has really stunted me and I have for the last 13+years been emotionally detached to my BS, we have always joked about how "dead inside I am" and whilst we have laughed over the years it couldn’t be further from the truth. I know this stems from a range of different places:-

1.My parents have an unhealthy relationship essentially a put up and shut up type deal. My dad isn’t a communicator despite having held a high position in law enforcement and having many many social interactions etc with various groups. As a family man…..wasnt really there for us in my view.

2.My own job in LE, I have seen many things and heard many things that will stick with me and I adopted the same mentality of my dad hide and bury my emotions. I can count on one hand the amount of times I saw any emotion from him

3.Trust – Lack thereof, now this is an interesting one that has only really surfaced more recently and ties into my belief that if I share certain feelings etc I will be put into an uncomfortable position or worse find my partner leave due to thinking I am a freak of some sort!

Anyway, the A has broken down a lot of barriers (created a few others). I have opened up to family and friends, councillors and strangers to try and gain more of an insight into my behaviour. I don’t accept the whole "don’t have time!" there isn’t a day that goes by without thinking of my actions and I have an extremely high pressure job that at times can be ever so consuming. I do however accept that when things in my life go well that I do at times close down and not want to talk about issues HOWEVER I do still think of these issues and am certainly still dwelling on them.

My opinion and I am no psychologist, it may well be as you say an internal coping mechanism….I have seen much death and horrors in my job, I still can visually recall in vivid detail so many of the suicides I have been too but have never till recently really opened up and discussed this with my BS. It will catch up, it will spill over but it is for him to decide if he wants this to be preventable…there is also the possibility that he simply doesn’t think about his actions but then I find that hard to believe.

If he is now your ex it maybe easier to just not let him consume your thoughts

TinyTim thanks for your response.

I don’t believe in the whole "no time" theory either - I think it’s just because he doesn’t WANT to look at himself out of fear maybe?

He just comes across as though he really doesn’t care but, I don’t believe that he doesn’t care at all.

His parents split when he was around 13/14 as his mother had an affair and left the family for the AP who she is now married to. He says his parents splitting didn’t affect him and he just thought thats life and parents split (I don’t believe at 13/14 this is how you’d think) I think he just put it in a box. I’ve said I feel he perhaps had abandonment issues stemming from this. He along with his siblings stayed with their father, didn’t get on with their stepdad (they do now) so I assume they didn’t see their mother as much well, they definitely didn’t as they went from living with her and seeing her everyday to not everyday. If anyone says "I love you" to him his usual response is "you too" and I see him bristle as he says it.

I just wonder if deep down he feels like if he trusts someone with his vulnerability and his true self he feels they’ll leave.

I’m not sure why he would feel he couldn’t trust me, especially after all of these years together and he should realise I’m not judgmental… I had a crap childhood myself I’d never judge, I’d try to understand and be there to help.

Yes, we aren’t together anymore but, I’m still holding onto hope of R but, he would need to address his inner issues surrounding intimacy and lack of empathy or being in touch with his emotions.

Sometimes I feel like he can’t have loved me at all throughout the years.

Before his A I knew we had terrible communication skills and it wasn’t good. However, I did try to speak him a few times about certain issues and he would clam up get defensive and walk off and make out it wasn’t an issue.

Never once did he come to me and say I’m not happy or I’m struggling and feel distant from you. He is very conflict avoidant or just avoidant in general… so I don’t really understand how he thought having an A would solve that.. it’s made everything so much worse.

And now it’s almost like he expects me to just say oh okay, it’s all good have a nice life and not be upset. He did say to me last night he doesn’t expect me to just get over it but, it sure feels that way.

It’s just like banging your head against a brick wall, I also realise that me trying to get him to talk is most probably causing him to retreat further.

I guess I feel like once the house goes on the market and then sells it really is too late for us. I’m trying to do the 180 but, I am not very good at it if I am being honest but, I am trying my best.

[This message edited by lostandconfused90 at 5:09 PM, Thursday, October 26th]

Well, tonight he’s said that he is taking the next week to try to relax and destress (it’s half term) and then he’s going to do his thinking and self reflection. I’m hoping he means it as, he’s not said anything of the sort before tonight. Hoping showing him my own inner work and reflection via my journaling has inspired him - time will tell.

I’ve said I won’t try to talk to him about anything until he comes to me. I’m gonna try my best to stick to that promise.

hi - avoiding all emotion is not surprising given your xWP life history. my wife would say that I have been a horrible reflector all my life and i would agree with her.

For me the reflection and speaking the thoughts patterns out loud help me to realise the stupidity of some of my thoughts. but if verbal is not his thing maybe journalling or writing them down might work ok.

I just hope that his "time to reflect and think about things" is the real deal and doesnt mean - im telling you what you want to hear but im really just avoiding and delaying the conversation that i know needs to happen but i dont have the courage to have. Or doesnt mean that im doing this alone because i need to have some time by myself and my AP to plan the next steps.

towards healing.

Seizetheday,

I sure hope so too.

As far as I’m aware it’s over between him and the AP but, as she is a COW, I can’t be 100% sure. But, I must have badgered him a million times about it, I think he would have admitted it by now if he was still carrying on with her but, who knows. So hopefully he’s not stalling so he can have time with her.

He doesn’t seem to think he has FOO issues at all… I dunno how he can’t see it. His whole family are like him, rug sweepers. No one confronts anyone when they’ve upset the other etc or when there is an argument it’s usually after a few drinks and the following morning everyone pretends like nothing happened at all

My family are the opposite in that regard, we argue, we air it out, we forgive and move on. Doesn’t mean you don’t love and respect your family members if you have confrontation does it. Don’t get me wrong I’ve done my fair share of avoiding conflicts in our relationship however, I grew up in a household of domestic violence, furniture being thrown, holes punched in walls etc so, that’s the reason I avoid it in my relationship - I know this isn’t right though and trying to change that. Should realise we would never have been shouting and screaming like that as we aren’t those sort of people. But, ya know…. Inner child issues

[This message edited by lostandconfused90 at 6:38 AM, Friday, October 27th]

I’ve just seen this from an archived post on here… Cheaters handbook but, this one was about MLC (my xWP is 34 but, he’s done almost all of these things) I left out the custody/children part as we don’t have any… but this is actually crazy to me how relatable it is to my situation

I apologize if this has been posted here before but here it is.

Sad part is 90% is true .....

THE FAMOUS CHEATER'S HANDBOOK

Welcome to the wonderful world of cheating !! You are about to embark on one of the most perilous journey's you have ever taken. A journey fraught with intrigue and guaranteed to turn you inside out! This book is designed to help you make sure you get the most emotional bang for your buck. In these pages are the "how to" answers to the questions you have been asking yourself about damaging as many people as you can along the way. Come on and dig in, it's time to get this Roller coaster rolling on down the tracks!!

Chapter 1

Choosing the correct speech

There are 4 basic speeches for you to choose from. They are:

a) I love you but I don't know if I'm in love with you.

b) I've never loved you, and we should never have gotten married.

c) We got married to young. I never knew anything besides you.

d) You tricked me into marrying you, I would never have done it otherwise.

Once you have decided on which speech to give, you need to cause as much anxiety in your spouse as you can before you actually give it. Continue to the next chapter for Lessons in building anxiety.

Chapter 2

Lessons in building anxiety

You will find these lessons to be helpful in causing anxiety in your spouse and others (depending on the level of pain and damage you want to cause), not just prior to giving the speech, but throughout your MLC.

Lesson 1

Monstrification of your Spouse

This is easy to accomplish. Simply think of only the "bad" things that your spouse has done throughout your entire relationship. Have one of those "angel" spouses? No problem, just remember how bad she always makes you feel. DO NOT under any circumstances remember fondly your spouse, or anything they have done for you. Remember, they are going to be the cause of all of your problems, so it is imperative that you convince your self of this first.

Lesson 2

Emotional Detachment

This will be very easy to do after accomplishing lesson 1. All you have to do is start reminding yourself that you don't care about them, what they feel, what they want, or if they hurt. Simple! Every time you remind yourself of this, you will get further and further away from your relationship emotionally. Now, that wasn't too hard was it? On to lesson 3

Lesson 3

Mass confusion and Indecision

This lesson requires a little more thought and attention. You must constantly practice saying "I don't know" to ANY and ALL questions. That is imperative!! Your spouse (and others) must never know precisely what is going on in-side your head. Also, never let them know where you are going, where you have been, who you were with (this will go hand in hand with the lesson on the Other Person, or OP), or whether or not they can expect you to return home.

Lesson 4

Lies and Deceit

To get the most damage, and cause the most pain, you must lie and deceive at every opportunity. And to really achieve hall of fame status, you should be very inept at it, so that everyone knows that you are lying, or suspects, but can't prove it initially. This works very well for the following chapters, OP and Cake Eating.

Chapter 3

The Other Person (or OP)

Now it is time for you to succumb to temptation. You KNOW all of those other women/men want you! They have been coming on to you for years!! It is time for you to give them their chance at having some of you. Make sure that you leave a very confusing trail for your spouse to follow. One that lets them suspect, but have to dig and sneak (to make them feel worse about themselves) to find the information they need to prove it. Hold out admitting the affair as long as you can, and don't admit it ever, if you can get away with it.

Chapter 4

Cake Eating

This chapter is designed to string your spouse along in uncertainty as long as possible, because as long as they have hope, they won't be able to go out and find their own lives and be fulfilled. Why should they get to do that, while you are so miserable? They shouldn't!! So, make sure that you are affectionate occasionally (not too often, as this will raise anxiety levels), that you drag your feet about making a decision on the marriage, and that you leave and come back several times (as many as you can get away with).

Chapter 5

History Revision

It is very important that you revise the life you have lead with your spouse. You must use words like: Always, Ever, Never and All of the Time. Always precede the statement with the terms: you, I, and we. As in "you always nag me" "I never ever (double bonus here) get to do what I want" and "We have to do what you want all of the time". This will help to make your spouse feel like the way you are behaving is all their fault, and can cause them to feel even worse about themselves than they already did!!

Chapter 6

It's all about you!!

Remember this is all about you! What you want and need, RIGHT NOW! You shouldn't have to wait until you can afford something, just go on out and get it! You deserve a new haircut, new clothes, and some new toys. You've worked for it. You would probably look great in that new Convertible, or on that new Harley!! So don't hesitate! You live in the here and now! So why wait until tomorrow!!

Remember, the word is CRISIS and if you are in one, EVERYONE else should have to ride the Roller coaster with you! It's no fun taking a ride alone, and you know what they say about misery loving company! Go on out there and get started, so much pain and damage, and so little time!

Chapter 7

Avoid, Ignore, and Run Away

This chapter is to help you deal with the problems that your spouse will try to cause. We don't want you to have to "deal" with anything, now do we? You shouldn't have to "think" about any "issues" right now, except those that concern you "feeling good". The best way to handle this, is to Avoid, Ignore, and Run Away. Any time someone tries to make you see a more "reasonable" stance on a subject, simply Avoid making a reply...stare out into space, as if you are thinking about something important, and they will become uncomfortable and leave you alone. If there are responsibilities that need your attention, simply ignore them. You don't have to do anything you don't feel like doing. And the best for last is Run Away! This can be accomplished in many different ways. OP's can help you Run Away from all of these "problems" as well as Alcohol, Drugs, New Sports Cars....etc the list is endless. Of course, you can always just leave...but remember not to let them know where you are going, and if you'll be back!!

Chapter 8

MC and Therapists:

Your spouse may ask you to go to counseling with her/him. This is only useful to make them feel better. It cannot possibly have anything to you so there is no reason for you to follow-up with anything suggested--it doesn't matter to you. The only thing you should look for is more reasons (excuses) for avoiding, running and ignoring (see previous chapter).

Chapter 9

I Don't have to if I Don't Want to and You Can't Make Me!

Remember that this is about YOU, and what YOU want and how YOU feel!! No one else is important, so don't let them make you feel as if you have to listen to anything they say. Your spouse will try to help you of course, because they love you. Don't let them get away with giving you unwanted advice. Let them know in the teenage vernacular, that they can't make you do anything. This is important, you must be as childish as possible!! Any truly adult behavior on your part will only convince them that you are listening to what they are saying, and you will have to start back at the beginning. Of course, this technique can be used knowingly to cause more confusion and chaos, just beware of the danger, you don't actually want to start acting like an adult!!

Chapter 10

"How to threaten" and/or "How do move out".

You threaten to move out for weeks or months but you don't. (*)You tell your spouse that you got too much on your plate right now to look for a flat but that you will do so in 2 weeks time. After 2 weeks, repeat from (*).

If your wife wants to come too close to you, like entering your bedroom to talk to you, tell her to stay away or you will move out. When she replies that you will move out anyway tell her that you will move out faster if she comes any closer

Chapter 11

Art of Clinging

The Art of Clinging to the End of the Mattress without falling off the matrimonial bed while still sharing it with your spouse.

Chapter 12

Advanced lessons

This is usually reserved for those in more difficult situations, where the LBS has responded not by tossing you out, threatening to leave, or filing for divorce, but instead persists in not only OFFERING to cooperate, but actually MAKING THE CHANGES you said you needed.

"I am tired of living like this/I don't want to live like this anymore/I am not going to live my life like this?" often is coupled with another advanced tactic, "It's not you, it's me".

This line is most effective AFTER the LBS has jumped through hoops and bent over backwards. It basically confirms that no matter what changes the LBS is willing to make, the incompatibility lies within the Ulcer, who has no intention of, or implied desire or ability to, compromise.

Appendix

HOW TO MAKE YOUR SPOUSE THINK SHE IS CRAZY

1. When confronted by the evidence of an EA or PA, become very indignant. Stress that the LBS is obviously just a jealous sob/bi*ch, and you are entitled to "buddies" of the opposite sex.

2. Never, ever answer the question, "Are you okay? Is there something wrong?" with a direct answer that might actually lead to a discussion that might help the marriage. Continue to never talk to spouse, never give her/him a personal compliment or touch of affection and by all means work on the "cling to the edge of the mattress to avoid touching" maneuver that is so successful in making your spouse crazy.

3. Always bear in mind that your spouse will expect you to want to at least give them the chance to "fix" the marriage. Since you have already checked out emotionally (of course NEVER tell them that!), you are under no obligation to actually listen to anything they say or acknowledge anything they do. This tactic is also extremely beneficial when they employ the MLC diet. When they lose a massive amount of weight and you are in ear shot of someone who mentions to spouse about the weight loss, say "Are you losing weight? Why don't you ever tell me things?"

4. Of course one of the most successful ways to drive them crazy may only be used when you have earned the MLC Black Belt. Go to marriage counseling for months, let them pour out their soul to you and the counselor and let them believe they are actually accomplishing something. Then arrange things so the spouse finds you in your own home with OP. This will accomplish two things: a. She will finally have to understand how lucky you are to have found your "soul mate" and b. She will be doubly betrayed because she thought you were actually working on the marriage.

DON'T LET YOUR SPOUSE GET TOO INDEPENDENT - STATEGIES FOR SUCKING YOUR SPOUSE BACK IN

1. Make negative comments about OP or the chances that the relationship with OP will succeed. HOWEVER, under no circumstances, make any commitment to end the relationship with OP.

2. Make veiled hints about suicide or excessive drinking or drug use. Be erratic and hard to contact.

3. Do random acts of kindness such as yard work or something. That will keep your spouse confused and hopeful.

4. Make vague comments hinting that things might work out between you and your spouse IN THE FUTURE. HOWEVER, under no circumstances take any actions to work anything out.

BUTTON PUSHING

You (the mlcer) know a lot about your spouse. You know what pushes their buttons to get them both upset and/or happy. You have the power, you can do it! So using the kids to upset them is fair game (see section on how to use "custody" to upset them but not take on the "custody"). And if that ever stops working, find something else. Suggestions might include pets, valuables in the home, their appearance, family, career. Nothing is out of your reach since you have put in so many years getting to know your spouse--use what you know.

THE BLAME GAME

By now, you should be aware that all of this MUST be your spouses fault, however, your spouse may not understand this completely yet, so you need to start planting the seeds.

There are several ingenious ways to put the blame on your spouse, and we will be exploring them all.

Method 1: The Non-Blame Statement

I’m trying not to blame YOU

This statement implies that you are "not putting the blame on them" but on closer look (which your spouse is guaranteed to be doing) The words actually put all of the blame on the spouse (where of course we know it belongs).

Method 2: The Passive Blame Statement

I don’t think that I can live with you.

My opinion never mattered to you.

I can’t live like this.

We rarely have fun anymore.

I don’t want to live this way anymore.

These are passive statements that don’t actually assign blame to your spouse, but your spouse will definitely get the idea if you use them. They can’t help but see that it MUST be them that makes you feel this way.

Method 3: The Direct Blame Statement

You never listen to me.

You never put creases in my pants.

You use bagged salad.

You never keep the house clean.

You are going to do it your way.

All of these are direct statements of blame. You should mix actual faults with things that don’t really matter to make it more confusing, and make your spouse feel as bad as possible about themselves.

Your spouse has probably already started doing the hard work to look inside his/herself (Yuck, what an awful thought!) and will take on all of the faults you list to try and correct them. This will keep them occupied for awhile, and you can avoid any serious relationship talks while they apologize for and try to fix all of their own faults.

Make sure that you don’t actually accept the apology, that way you can continue to bring the fault up which will slow down their self improvement process. Remember, they are working on becoming better human beings, and you wouldn’t want that to happen to fast, as that would interfere with your ability to string them along.

Note: NEVER ACTUALLY ADMIT TO ANY FAULTS OF YOUR OWN!!!! REMEMBER, YOU DON’T HAVE ANY! YOU ARE THE GOOD ONE, AND HAD THE RIGHT TO HAVE AN AFFAIR, LIE, SPEND MONEY, OR ANY OTHER THING, BECAUSE THEY ARE THE ONES THAT ARE BAD!!!

Let’s not forget "We’re just incompatible – we always were."

Also, when the LBS starts to make changes, make SURE you find fault with these changes, or point out how it’s "too little, too late", or wasn’t what you meant AT ALL. If all else fails, put the LBS down for being so willing to change herself for your needs. Also, when the LBS starts to make changes, make SURE you find fault with these changes, or point out how it’s "too little, too late", or wasn’t what you meant AT ALL."

How to keep you spouse guessing…be mean one minute threatening divorce, etc then next day be kind and sweet almost the way your spouse remembers you..rinse repeat….

HOW TO CONTINUE THE CRAZINESS ONCE SEPARATION/DIVORCE IS AGREED UPON

1. Even though by now you, dear MLCer, have done everything human possibly to convince your spouse that you do not love him/her and want out, when the time comes to actually file, DON"T DO IT! This is the coup de gras of MLC. Absolutely DO NOT TAKE THE INITIATIVE. This is a most vital and awesome crazy-maker. Holding out will force your by now totally devastated spouse to finally throw up his/her hands and seek legal counsel.

2. Once the LBS has had enough and decides that divorce is in their best interest, you have won HUGE points here. Refusing to be the one to file now puts YOU in the role of victim, bringing you all the attention and pity necessary to allow you to again regain your image of the abused one in all this. Now you can, with absolutely NO guilt, tell everyone the divorce was your LBS’s idea (which of COURSE it was!) and they will assume that:

a. the LBS lost all that weight and obviously has been involved in an affair, and

b. the marriage ended because your LBS spouse is going through a – YES! THE PINNACLE OF CRAZINESS! – Midlife Crisis!!

Yikes!!

And after everything we’ve been through these last few months it seems like nothing will pull him out of it either. The only other thing he’s said is "the physical sides gone for me and it’s too far gone to come back" in other words he’s not attracted to me anymore even though he’s saying he doesn’t find me unattractive or ugly anything like that so, what do you even mean?

[This message edited by lostandconfused90 at 6:39 PM, Friday, October 27th]

I just wanted to add this as well as, I’ve found it extremely hurtful and just downright cruel if I am being honest.

His entire family have shut me out completely. I almost died and they still didn’t reach out (his sister did a little but, not much) I just find it so bizarre that your son/brother could be with someone for 12 years and they’d say I was family and yet, none of them have said a word about anything he has done or anything that has happened. There’s absolutely no care there whatsoever. They just pretend I no longer exist.

It’s almost as if they have never thought I was good enough for their golden boy. He says he’s sure that isn’t true but, come on. Not one of them have sat him down and said your actions were appalling and we are disappointed in you. If it were my brother I’d have blown up at him, it wouldn’t mean I’d disowned him or didn’t love him anymore.

Emotional detachment- clearly a learned behaviour of his as they are all the same.

It’s really cut me deep that they’d do this to me. Am I wrong for feeling this way?

He has now said he’s said everything he wants to or needs to say to me. He doesn’t think he has anything else to add… so in other words you’re not going to do any kind of self reflection.

He said he feels guilty for what he’s done, sad for what I’ve been going through, doesn’t like what I did last year and that’s pretty much it… didn’t say he regretted anything. Says he doesn’t know how he feels about himself. Just that it’s ended between us and that’s that. Cool.

He says he has plenty to say to me but, not about us or his affair. He keeps just saying it was months ago that it happened…. He slept with her in august …2 months ago, affair started in may 5 months ago he’s acting as if it’s been years.

I’ve told him he isn’t good for my mental health and I want him to move out for a while… he said ‘I’ll think about it’ just reeks of grandiosity really.

I would love to just hate him but, unfortunately I don’t. I actually do love him still, even after everything I cannot turn off my feelings at the click of my fingers like he clearly can.

I’ve said I’ll get someone round to value the house next week or he can figure out how to buy me out. I’ve had enough now.

I’m curious why you’re posting in this forum with a stop sign when the issues you’re asking for help with are that of a BS. You’d receive more responses in the General forum.

Scared soul I am a mh that’s why I’m posting in here.

You’re allowed to post in General. (It’s for everyone.)

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 3:35 AM, Sunday, October 29th]

Ohhh ok. Thank you Sacred.

I’m still a newbie so, I wasn’t aware I was allowed to post in there.