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Hope this isn’t too weird or blunt a topic, and I am also a BH. BW may handle this differently or feel differently. But I find myself really struggling with the idea of being so physically lonely for this whole D process (I’m near the beginning), and missing WWs physical touch. Yknow. I’ll be blunt, sex.

I miss her. Straight up miss her in a lot of ways, and I miss the bedroom fun, and after 17 years we knew each other well. Now through this D process she gets to have her fun with AP while I’m the one with integrity, being celibate while I’m an emotional wreck trying to move on.

How’s everybody else handle this? Just sit in a dark room and be grumpy? Look at old pictures of WS and "reminisce?" Say screw it and decide it’s fine to not wait until D is complete?

I so understand what you are going through. I try not to think about WS. It only hurts more. Divorcing is a very lonely process. It is excrutiating that they get to have all the fun with there AP and we get the intens grieve.

It is a very personal decision what to do with the loneliness. I have decided for myself that I want to end things first and heal completely before I begin something new. If there is a something new...... but I want to be ready if it does!

Why do you have to be cellabit? Did I spell that right? Auto correct doesn't recognize the word. Maybe it's a sign...

Anyway, you may have your reasons for being alone during the D process, and I respect that, but I looked at it as just another way for my STBXWW to remove agency from me. By staying cellabit while we settled the D, I was effectively held hostage, and she could drag out the process. Since there was no chance of R, I chose to move forward.

Now, my big mistake was not healing and jumping back in the game too soon. I fully intended to wait, but I inadvertently met an absolutely gorgeous woman and we began a short but very intense relationship. I regret the relationship as it caused me additional pain during a period I was still very raw, but it taught me some stuff about myself, stuff I've brought into my relationship now.

Heard of Tinder ? As far as you don’t get emotionally involved and make your expectations clear ! I don’t see why you should deprive yourself . Be safe !

[This message edited by Abalone123 at 4:53 PM, Sunday, November 5th]

You've got a great deal of healing to do, it would be unfair to use a woman unless you are both on the same page.

IMO you need to give yourself a bit of time to have more clarity about how you want to move forward. It's only been a couple of weeks and your divorce papers are not drawn up.

Focus on your children and your healing and your path forward for a bit.

I'm a BW pursuing a D and understand and relate to this. I personally have no inclination to be physical with my STBXWH, which was a pretty strong sign to me that I was done as we always had a strong physical connection and a good sex life, but i do still miss having a physical connection with someone. I also have young children (2, both aren't school aged yet).

I've chosen to remain celibate for now, for a few reasons. One, I literally don't have time for anything other than work, taking care of my kids and running the household. My situation is more of an anomaly than most on here. I was the sole breadwinner. However, now I'm also the single parent. STBXWH got a job again and only has the kids about 1 day a week, so I'm managing everything now. Two, I'm not emotionally ready for anyone else. Three, I want to ensure I don't do anything to jeopardize my situation for purposes of the D, in case it gets contentious. I just manage things on my own for now.

That said, I totally understand your feelings and don't think you or anyone else should judge you if you decide to pursue a connection before things are final. I would urge you to ensure you're sure it's over with you WW first and also to be discreet. Also, make sure you can still put your kids first.

"Now through this D process she gets to have her fun with AP while I’m the one with integrity, being celibate while I’m an emotional wreck trying to move on."

I can empathize.

What we signed up for and what we got were two very different things.

I can say sincerely that it took me a long time to heal and be in a place where I can consider being sexually intimate. I hated what EXWH did to me to include the betrayal and the lengthy to this day involuntary celibacy.

The good news for me is that there are way better potential partners out there than him on the more healed side of infidelity.

Lots of good discussion and opinions here. It’s tough. Absolutely I am not, and will not be anytime soon, ready for emotional involvement. I’m so early in this process. I really miss WW and the thought of her doing stuff with others still makes me sick.

But the thought of waiting 6-12 months to even look at another woman seems so unfair. Some people seem to think it’s ok to have a little fun as long as we’re up front, some people maybe not. I guess it’s a very personal decision , as long as you have integrity about it.

I’ve got time, of course. And I’m still at a point where even *doing anything solo* makes me sad, so… that tells me how far I am from being ok. Just looking forward at what it means to move on, and how to do so in a way that’s healthy without just abandoning my own wants or needs.

"Now through this D process she gets to have her fun with AP while I’m the one with integrity, being celibate while I’m an emotional wreck trying to move on."

Empathize and don't. I'm an emotional wreck, but my goal is autonomy. Autonomy from past hurts and childhood motivators, but also from the comparison of my WW's behaviors and my behaviors. We're divorcing, severing, ending, parting, finishing, and one day we'll be fully separate financially and emotionally! My WW claimed a great portion of my life, a daily depreciating resource that declines daily no matter how I choose to live. How I treat myself now is just as important as how I treat myself post-divorce and should not be connected to my WW's choices. My question to myself, "Given my current condition am I able to date, have sex, and enjoy a woman's company?" My answer, unfortunately is no. I can certainly blame my WW for this condition and look to how she is doing and what she is doing, but is her model of behavior something I need to consider? Is thinking about her at all good for me? Or should I look to healthier models of behavior and my own capabilities, interests, and motivations?

I mostly just tolerate women that show me any interest. Even if I initiate through my own engagement and signals. I'm not ready, I'll hurt myself, and I'll hurt others. My goal is to stop letting my desires hurt me, accept my current temporary state, and build toward a me that can enjoy a woman, sexually, and in all the other ways. If I thought I could find someone equally in need of sex, looking to not bond, and just bridge toward something better - I still wouldn't. Because that's a fiction, if betrayal has taught me anything, sex is not free. It's an intimate act, that we may shield ourselves from the intimacy, but we're built for it, and we can find ourselves attaching. I do think there can be healthy casual sex for singles, I'm just not convinced unhealthy people are good at keeping it healthy.

I have a good friend who just got divorced from her sex addict WH. She abstained until her D was final, and then she began what we're jokingly referring to as her Ho Phase. She's playing the field and making it clear to everyone that she is not interested in a relationship, she just wants to have some fun. And she is - she's having a great time.

My personal opinion is that unless it can hurt you in any way - emotionally, legally, physically - go for it. Be clear with potential partners about expectations, wear a condom, and have some fun. JMO.