SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My fiancé of 7 years was talking to someone they met on social media for a couple of weeks whilst I was at the end of my pregnancy, the person knew my fiancé wasn’t single and had one kid with me and one on the way but they both still chose to continue flirting, sexually talking and whatever else went on over the phone. He was caught when the girl messaged me she must of finally got a guilty conscience. He basically made up a whole persona, told her he was even a different ethnicity and height and that he had all this money and his own house, which none of it was true. Complete fantasy.

There’s a lot to it, but it’s all over and he’s been through therapy for the first time and we think we know why he done it. I just don’t know how to get through it especially having a newborn baby to look after!

He’s been working super hard to prove to me this past 3 months, he’s done everything he should be doing but I’m struggling to forget, we were a couple that never argued now I’m finding myself arguing with him a lot!
it’s completely out of character he is normally a sweet guy never shown any ounce of this behaviour before, so I’m just in shock and have lost so much trust. Anyone else had this happen at 8 months pregnant ?

Unfortunately, it’s common for husbands to cheat on their wives while they’re pregnant. Sorry to hear that you’ve now become a part of that statistic.

Imo, I say to give yourself time and leniency, especially now that you’re looking after a newborn. Let your husband figure things out for himself for the time being. You need a partner, not another child to look after

it’s completely out of character he is normally a sweet guy never shown any ounce of this behaviour before

You know that saying about someone’s character coming to light if they come into money? Well instead of money, replace it with a shiny new person blowing smoke and attention up their a$$.

It’s no way an excuse, but the most common ‘reason’ heard here was that they like the attention. Don’t know why it has to lead to basically blowing up their family for it, but that’s my take.

I hope therapy is keeping his head straight. Are you in therapy yourself?

[This message edited by Forks027 at 8:41 PM, Tuesday, November 14th]

Yes you’re absolutely right he was loving the attention, he admitted that too!
I haven’t done any therapy regarding this situation, I’ve spent years of my life in therapy for childhood trauma, I was finally in a great place, healthy family dynamic, everything! I don’t know where to start for this kind of therapy either do I need couples counselling or should I just focus on me?

Welcome to SI and sorry that you had to find us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that you may find helpful. Plus, the Healing Library has a lot of information, including the list of acronyms we use.

First, IC (individual counseling) for you - with a betrayal trauma specialist if you can. You may want to wait on MC (marriage counseling) for a while. First, you heal you, your WH (wayward husband) works on his issues, then MC can help heal the M. Unless you get a really good MC, they will shift some of the blame to you, particularly if they come from the "unmet needs" school of thought.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal After Your Affair by Linda MacDonald is a good starting point for your WH. It's short, but contains a starting point for him. Also, Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass is really good. She has a chapter on windows and walls that is very good at explaining boundaries. You have windows (transparency) with your spouse, and have walls (protections) between you and the person who is not your spouse.

Don't worry about forgetting yet. That shouldn't be in your vocabulary yet. It takes years to recover from infidelity. The anger is normal. We reference the emotional rollercoaster. It will pick you up and swing you around, then you can be fine for a time, and boom! the rollercoaster picks you up again.

If his excuse was because he liked the ego boost, he still has some work to do. Why did he give himself permission to speak with somebody and give them the attention that he should have been giving to you? He didn't have any intention of stopping until she ratted him out.

So sorry that this has happened to you.

So sorry this happened to you. You have received good advice. Watch his actions not his words. He should offer you transparency whenever you need. How selfish to betray your trust when you are pregnant. Read in the healing library. He should not be defensive and he needs to c9nt8nue with his therapy. You need to consider betrayal trauma therapy as well. You have a young family. Consider what you need from him moving forward to feel safe. Take care of you and your children. Keep posting. Good luck.

Hi, welcome to SI. So sorry you find yourself here.

Gently, my spidey senses are up just a bit, and I could very well be wrong.

the girl messaged me she must of finally got a guilty conscience.

^^^IMO after just two weeks of flirting, this girl decides to message you? Are you certain it was only flirting and only two weeks? Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, I don't think she felt guilty, I think she was probably angry at your fiance for some reason. Did he end it? Was it going on for longer than you know and she had feelings for him? Have you done a bit of investigation to find out the real truth?

It's going to take years to move through infidelity, please take care of yourself and your baby, make the two of you a priority, find a good counselor just to process your feelings. You are on an emotional roller coaster so the anger is a huge part of dealing with his betrayal.

I would not consider marrying him any time in the near future.

Sending a huge hug.....

I want to add an angle to your situation…
I hope he’s being truthful on why he did this and that he’s been "cured". Experience indicates that someone that cheats is more likely to cheat again, but this site has numerous former wayward spouses that have been faithful since their infidelities. With the correct work and effort – a lot on his part but also as a couple – you two can move past this.

And you have good reason to… Two kids…
This is the angle I want to address: He’s your boyfriend… yet you live together and have two kids together…
Look really seriously into your legal standing when/if he cheats again. When/if you decide this isn’t working. When/if he decided his fantasy-bride is hotter than you and doesn’t have crying kids to keep him awake.
Who is on the deed of the home? Who is on the lease? Who is on the accounts? Who is responsible for the car loan? What can YOU do to make your standing better IF this ends now?

In my neck of the woods that would most likely be marriage. Depends on country and state, but in most places marriage creates a financial union and financial accountability. Nothing romantic about it, but simply a good business decision (in many instances)

I would fear for you to wake up one morning with him having packed his bags and left, with no legal obligation other than you possibly being able to sue him for support. Maybe leaving you and the kids to pay rent/mortgage or even worse – on the street.