SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi
I found messages from my partner to another woman. He does a lot of interstate work they met on a plane. He initiated contact on Instagram saying pleasure to meet her. She responded. She lives at the other end of our country. Comments like we will have to catch up and it was a shame he wasn’t there. She was liking his posts. I’ve confronted him and he swears it didn’t go further that he didn’t mention me and he was just flattered by the attention.
I’m just devastated. He has immediately deleted her and swears he won’t
Lock his phone and it won’t happen again and we can work through it. I’ve sent her a message she must know he has a partner as his profile
Pic had me in it. She hasn’t seen or responded. Not sure how to act. He feels it wasn’t cheating as it didn’t go further and he says they wouldn’t have met

He's a serial cheater.

It looks like he was fishing for another affair partner.

Fishing for an AP IS cheating.

Don't bother with her. He's your problem.

With his track record he absolutely knew what he was doing wasn't ok.

He said you could work through it. That sounds like he's very confident you won't be going anywhere, regardless of his behavior. You should let him know that's not true.

Also..flattered by her attention? External validation is one of the number one reasons people cheat.

What work has he done in the past, to become a safe partner?

It's not cheating because it didn't go further? Bullshit. And, the reason it didn't go further is because she didn't bite.

[This message edited by HellFire at 11:22 PM, Friday, December 8th]

I just read your last post. You caught him,with messages on his phone,and he said it wasn't cheating because he knew it was a scam.

Sounds like this is his go to excuse.

The chances that you've caught him,every time he's cheated like this,are extremely small.

I'm sorry you have another Dday. He is an unremorseful serial cheater. Anything done privately with another woman behind your back is cheating, including just saying Hi.

This behavior on planes must be done all the time. I had a man chat me up and ask me to let him "take me for coffee". He could see my wedding ring. We talked about kids. He was good looking but I was not interested. I told him someone was picking me up. Same thing happened to a friend of mine. Now I read and she sleeps. Not interested so this woman was.

I agree that she is not your problem. His cheating is.

Sorry to say that he sounds like my husband who was soooo sorry because the woman was going to tell me over Facebook their 6 month long EA. He beat her news to the punch. He also said he wouldn’t do it again. He too, loved the external validation from the younger women. Well, he did it again and again until I took a hard stance. I made one internal rule he still doesn’t know about… for every broken promise, I told a member of his family about this pillar of the community type of guy. If he knew, he would just die. Please take a hard stance. Please don’t keep his secret. You will feel better letting it out.

He’s obviously fishing. It is not normal to exchange numbers with a random stranger on a flight. I hope you rake him on the coals for this because a) he hasn’t learnt his lessons b) he doesn’t look at it as cheating ( intention to commit murder vs committing murder ) c) he travels a lot.

So how does he plan to work through this?

He looked her up on Instagram and initiated contact. HE is the one who was fishing. Everyone is right—she isn’t your problem as long as he has internet and can seek out anyone he wants.

External validation is one of the major issues of cheaters. But he was the one driving the whole thing. They were both getting an ego boost and looking to keep it going. Is he a people pleaser? Mine was. And there is very little that they won’t do to keep the admiration coming. He lacks boundaries and wants the attention. A very dangerous combination for a cheater.

Honestly you deserve better.

Clearly he’s not changing and he won’t stop. Confronting him does nothing.

He’s not interested in being an adult in an adult committed relationship. He needs the ego boost of other women to survive.

I’d suggest moving on. Not your first rodeo but should be your last IMO.

What a serial cheater "says" and "swears" often means very little.

Time to tap into your personal agency. If you're having trouble, consider enlisting the support of an IC.

I'll go against the grain here and say that I could believe your husband's explanation/excuse. He was wrong, but didn't think that it was that bad to chat with a woman, if he had no intention for things to go further.

But what the bigger issue here is, in my opinion, is that his boundaries were never built, or rebuilt, strongly---or situations like these would never occur. And if his boundaries aren't solid, then he is playing with fire....and has the ability to burn down everything near and dear to him. LOTS of potential collateral damage. Just the fact that he doesn't realize that this is an egregious action should make you very concerned.

Recovering/former alcoholics don't dabble with a little 'harmless' drink here and there. Recovering/former gamblers don't buy 'harmless' little lottery cards. Recovering/former cheaters don't engage in 'harmless' flirting/external validation. It looks like your husband needs to take a serious reevaluation of himself....if he is serious about wanting to be a safe husband.

Thank you for everyone’s replies I appreciate more than you know.

Massive conversation here. He is out the home atm but swears it was just that short causal conversation and promises to leave phone unlocked and access at all times and that he has made a big mistake

He admits she was flattering him and asked for his Instagram and he didn’t mention me
He
Immediately has deleted her

Says he wants to marry me next year and commit fully. We have been engaged a couple years With no rush as second marriage

I said no way we will see if we can R

Heard back from the woman who states it was just that short conversation and no further than that

A mistake is forgetting to grab a gallon of milk at the store. He made conscious decisions to get her number and message her.

He cheats, you rugsweep. He cheats again, you rugsweep again. He cheats AGAIN, you continue to rugsweep. Why on Earth would he want to change his behavior when you continue to reward him for it? That's crazy. You cannot make him stop cheating. There are no magic spells to cast or magical behavior to mesmerize him. You CAN get off the crazy train, though.

Lock his phone and it won’t happen again and we can work through it.

What is it that he wants YOU to work through?

It’s not as if you go searching for these women, or that you write the texts or create a situation where he needs to do either.
This is a bit like an alcoholic blaming the bartender for the drinks he’s ordering…

I think you need to be clear on this with him:
The ONLY thing I have to work through is if I want more of your cheating or not.

The cheating, flirting, messaging… that’s all something YOU need to work out. Not me.
It would definitely be to your advantage if you could help me believe there is improvement, for example by going to IC, by having an open phone, by putting your phone aside in the evenings and when with me… but as-is I’m just waiting for the inevitable repeat.
I might have the energy to wait for now, but if there is no change then that energy will drain and my willingness to be made a fool one more time will disappear.

This is his pattern. You find something, and he gaslights you. You accept it,rugsweep,and he just continues.

He was flattered..and he didn't tell her he was with someone.

He's going to lock his phone,so you can't find everything else he's done, is doing,and will be doing.

It was a choice,not a mistake.

So..it's clear you aren't going anywhere. He knows that. So this will continue.

What are you going to require this time? What boundaries are you setting?

What work is he doing to become a safe partner? Love bombing doesn't make him safe. And it certainly doesn't make you safe.

Don't marry this man. During the time,before marriage, he's already shown you who he is. If you marry him,it will be that much harder to leave him when he does it again.

Your requirements should,at minimum, be..

Full transparency. You get full access to all accounts and the phone. Passwords included.

Complete honesty.

Std tests(you too).

He answers all questions without anger or defensiveness. As often as you need to ask.

He gets IC to figure out why he cheated again.

Accountable for his time away from you.

And, he deletes his social media,since he uses that to talk to other women.

At MINIMUM.

But, really, aren't you tired of this?

That this woman said exactly what he said means absolutely nothing. So what if he deleted her from Instagram? Who knows if they haven't been exchanging messages on another platform. Maybe it did happen as he said(still cheating)..or maybe he contacted her,and told her what to tell you.

The only thing you do know, is he can't be trusted. And that he's a cheater.

[This message edited by HellFire at 5:22 PM, Monday, December 11th]

Okay let’s review the common/typical cheater behavior here.

🚩. He wants to marry you - seriously this is just love bombing at its worst.

🚩 he didn’t think it was wrong - really?!? Then why didn’t he tell you what was going on? Duh - he knew it was wrong since he kept it hidden!!

🚩he’s going to give you full access to his phone. Let’s analyze that - he can cheat w/ a secret phone, secret app he deletes each day, hidden contacts (using a male name for a female) etc.

🚩 HE DOESN’T THINK HE WAS CHEATING!!

I’m going to tell you two things. First every person I know that was cheated on before marriage was cheated during the engagement and the marriage. All 25 of them! And they all regret marrying their spouse.

Second - my H had a 4 year EA. He refused to admit it but I knew it was going on. I was not stupid or blind. It finally ended but he never admitted it. Fast forward 15 years later it was very easy for him to start a mid life crisis affair. And plan to kick me to the curb. And blame me for his unhappiness, the reason he cheated etc (all typical cheater behavior).

The fact your partner does t think he did anything wrong is the number one reason to run far and fast. And remind yourself of the disrespect he had towards you AND his attitude that he did not cheat.

He did cheat. It just had not escalated to a physical affair. But he certainly was planning on it.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:42 PM, Monday, December 11th]

For every cockroach you see, there are a 100 hiding in the walls.

You did not win the lotto and just happen to catch the one time he was fishing for an AP. I guarantee you that he's on the hunt for hook-ups constantly and regularly cheats on you while he is on the road.

The fact that he's offered you unfettered access to his phone means nothing. He can delete messages and use secret apps. He can get another device that you won't know about.

And if he's not "fully committed" to you before you're married, then he will never be committed to you. There is nothing magical that happens during a marriage ceremony that transforms a duplicitous slimeball into a decent man and faithful husband.

All you're doing by staying is pissing away precious years of your life.