SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just found out my husband of almost 20 years is having an emotional affair with a coworker. The suspicion started a couple of months ago with him hiding his phone when I would walk in the room. He took his phone everywhere even the bathroom. When I did see him texting he would have this smile on his face that stopped me in my tracks. Last week he asked me to iron a shirt for him even though I had already ironed his work clothes for the week. He is not very particular about his clothes and usually just wears what is on the hanger. So this request was a red flag. I was able to look at his texts and he has been texting a woman he works with. I don’t even know her real name because he has a pet name in his contacts. He wanted to wear that shirt so they could match outfits for the company holiday lunch and he referred to it as a date. He told her he loved her. I am completely devastated and shattered. I confronted him and he is denying anything is going on and that she is just a friend. I told him she is not just a friend if you are telling her you love her! I asked him why and he said he doesn’t know. He says nothing happened. He says he is sorry he hurt me but sounded more like he is sorry I found out. I have been in a fog since Saturday. I can’t eat or sleep and all I want to do is cry. He won’t talk about it and claims he won’t talk to her anymore but I don’t believe him. I hate him for doing this to our family. What am I going to do?

Dear Broken, I’m so sorry you find yourself here. Infidelity is so soul crushing. Please know you’re not alone and you will get lots of great advice and support here as we all have experienced this terrible betrayal.

First and foremost, as difficult as it is, try to practice self care. Eat if you can and drink lots of water. If you can’t eat a lot right now, get some protein shakes and power bars. If you can’t sleep or are depressed, see your doctor and request some meds to help. Drinking alcohol only makes things worse, trust me. Read The Healing Library at the top of the page. Also, gently, you should consider getting tested for STD’s. Even though he says the classic cheater line "We’re only friends", if he’s texting her that he loves her and they’re dressing alike (which I find ridiculous personally) they are most likely a couple and possibly sleeping together. Cheaters lie to save their own ass. He needs to cut off all ties with this woman, ASAP! And he must do it in your presence. If she’s also married her spouse needs to be told.

You’re very scared and fragile right now. Trust me, been there, done that and got the lousy tee shirt. Surround yourself with people who you can trust to have your back. If you have a religious affiliation I personally found my church counseling a huge help. But I realize not everyone is into religion. Get into counseling for yourself. Please keep posting and know I personally will pray for you.

When distance isn't a factor, these things are very rarely not physical.

You need to be tested for stds.

Tell her husband.

He needs a new job.

Married men don't get involved in affairs to send sweet messages,and innocent pics. They're in it for the sex.

Welcome to SI and I'm so sorry that you find yourself here. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum. The Healing Library has a lot of great information, including the list of acronyms we use.

If he's hiding his phone, he knows it's wrong. It isn't a mistake. A mistake is forgetting to grab the gallon of milk when you're at the store. He has made thousands of conscious decisions to hide his special friend. Thousands of choices to build a relationship with somebody outside of the M (marriage).

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist may help with the emotional rollercoaster ride that can go along with infidelilty. The foggy brain is a trauma response.

Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass is a great resource, and has a quiz that helps understand if the relationship might be considered an EA (emotional affair). You already know it is. Another chapter that I found helpful was the chapter on windows & walls. It provides good information on setting boundaries with people outside of your M.

Because this is taking place at work, there is a possibility that HR becomes involved. Especially if they're found to have used company resources.

Sorry, I don't think you have the whole story yet. Please keep posting.

BTW, I meant to add in my original post, stop ironing his clothes! Does he deserve that courtesy?

Damn. I hate this for you. I went through this at Xmas 17 years ago. It’s horrible so be kind to yourself. Call your supporters and let them know. See a therapist if you can, you need to be heard. Post as much as you want, we’ve all been there.
By the way, it’s not a mistake, it was planned. Find out who she is asap. If she’s married, tell her spouse. Check out the 180 and begin a modified version (no discussions about the future, smile even though you are literally dying on the inside, and no ironing shirts, fixing his dinner etc). Don’t worry, you aren’t pushing him away, he needs to be on his knees begging your forgiveness, but you need to take control.
Good luck.

Welcome to SI, sorry you had a reason to find us, but glad you did. There are decades of experience here and we have seen these patterns thousands of times. His response is predictable and strait out of "the cheaters handbook". He is not remorseful he regrets getting caught. He needs to cut contact right now, write a timeline (although this early it won't be complete). You need to notify the Husband what his Wife is up to and do not tell your H you are doing it. You have to take control of this and not let him manipulate you. We are here for you, Best Wishes

[This message edited by Tanner at 12:48 AM, Tuesday, December 19th]

Getting your wife to iron your shirt so you can go out with your girlfriend - what next?! The man needs to grow up. If it's any consolation she doesn't love him - she doesn't even know him. Grey rock him until you work out what to do next. Don't let him play you for a fool.

See the doctor in the meantime as you are probably in shock.

Broken

I can only suggest what you can do but I can with 100% certainty tell you what NOT to do:
What not to do is to accept any accountability for his decision to have an affair.
Another fact IMHO is that this will only go away if you are willing to make it go away…
Strangely – you do have that power. Infidelity can only end in one of two ways IMHO. We can reconcile with the WS and that requires the affair to be over, or we can distance ourselves from the infidelity by divorcing. It’s still a very long way from that drastic resolution, but IMHO you should try to embrace those two possible solutions, because to reconcile HE has to be 100% on-board. If you realize 1 week after he claims it’s over, 1 month or 1 year from now he’s still in infidelity the D option should be the clear choice.

What is their work-relationship? Is he her supervisor or are they at the same career/management level?
Is she married?

The book Not Just Friends can’t be recommended highly enough.
IMHO then maybe your best first step might be to get that book – both written and audio versions – quickly read the first chapters and then have him sit in the same room as you are and listen to the audio. Chapter by chapter with discussions after each chapter.

Broken,

My husband had an EA last year. When I confronted him he told me he loved us both. I am so very sorry you are going through this.

I am not sure what your family situation is but the faster you shed sunlight on this situation the faster it will stop. If you have access to the phone bills or know the phone number of the OW get it. Block your number and call it to figure out the name of this person and then you can figure out if they are married too. Out it to the other spouse if so.

Confide in a good friend or family member that will support you and not make determinations for you. You need the support. Save all the texts and other information you find and keep it in a safe place. You could also get a voice activated recorder for his car as that will be where he will communicate with her now that he has been confronted.

Stop doing anything for him immediately. You will thank yourself later. You are devastated right now and you don’t know which way is up but you will be okay.

There is a lot of great advice here, some of which I didn’t heed my first DD. Some of us are more battle hardened but we all come from a place of support.

Sending virtual Hugs,🤗

S2D

Confront him and ask for her full name, her job title (department she works in) and her social media profiles. This is the litmus test. If he does it right away he is protecting his position as your husband, if he refuses, says "I forget" or otherwise stonewalls you (etc) he is protecting her. Fastest way to gauge his loyalty atm.

If he gives you her information look her up ASAP, even in that moment and see if she is married, if so find a way to contact OBS right away.

If he protects her instead then the ball is in your court, do you want this from a partner? Looking at things that are in your control what can you do to give yourself the room needed to think about the hard decisions.

If you have a close friend or relative now is the time to reach out for support, regardless what you decide you need that support IRL.

Edit: don’t feel you’ll be pushing him to her if you stop being his live in maid. It’s crazy hard, I’ve been there, to stop picking up after him, to stop doing the household chores. Clean up your mess, do your own laundry, etc. A consequence you can initiate right away is shutting off the caring physical things you did for him, he devalued you, he doesn’t get to now take advantage of your care.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 7:12 AM, Wednesday, December 20th]

Broken,

You haven’t posted since your original post. I just wanted to check in with you and see how you’re doing. Please reach out if you can to let us know how you’re doing. A lot of people are concerned about you. If you can’t, that’s okay too. I’m still praying for you and your family.