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Asking for advice on how to not be complacent. By this I mean when things are "good" (by this I mean my BS is internalizing her pain and choosing to not at that moment outwardly express her pain and anger), how do I not take for granted that my BS is still in horrible pain, angry, hut, sad, depressed because of my actions? I put "good" in quotes because that is the way my dumb ass perceives it..."we are getting along and not fighting and doing things together so things are good!" But every time I chose to think this way I completely minimize her and her pain, and hurt her more.

What do all of you do to keep from being complacent and minimizing your BS?

Thanks in advance for your wisdom

I think it's definitely fairly common, my bs and I could have a glorious week but then the moment she starts to struggle I collapse and become a dick and compare myself to a microwave..... check out my insight required thread!!

Best thing to do is keep checking in though, keep asking if they are ok and dont get defensive and silly. We just need to accept this is going to be hard for a long time if not forever and just stand beside them when they need us....all sounds simple and yet I'm often doing the opp of those things!!

This isnt easy and I wish you all the luck in the world

I know that it sounds counterintuitive, because the whole point is to take accountability, but I wonder if it would help to take yourself out of the equation when your BS has triggers (or even when they're apparently doing ok). How would you react if the event that was upsetting them had nothing to do with you? Would you still be angry, impatient, etc, or would you be able to show empathy and comfort them? If they were (for example) grieving a loss of a parent or friend, would you avoid the topic, or would you be able to think proactively about their pain and help them bring it up to the surface?

Note that the answer to the question above might still be "no," in which case, you have an even more fundamental level of work to do. If it's not guilt that's blocking you from being able to connect to them in times of grief, what is? Do you tend to flip an internal switch whenever your partner needs something emotional from you? Is that true of other relationships in your life?

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 7:13 PM, Sunday, January 21st]

BraveSirRobin,

I am not an empathic person - something i need to work on and develop to have more emotional intelligence and range. When she is upset about something other than me or my actions that have hurt her, I am not sure that I show empathy well and am supportive of her, but I definitely don't get defensive, minimize, and justify like I do when I am the focus of her distress. Not sure if I am answering your question right, or understanding it. Your questions however are helping me see that my lack of empathy is a big problem here...I should be having empathy and understanding of her pain even when things are "good."

It is definitely guild, shame and a feeling of helplessness that makes me selfishly not connect with her on an emotional level when confronting her pain caused by me. And yes, I think I avoid emotions and "flip a switch" when i feel overwhelmed by them, and that is true of all relationships. How do I not flip the switch, run like a cowardly child from emotion, and instead be there for her to face what I have done and her pain no matter what the expressed mood is?

My husband sent me a quote (yes, he has had to drag me through a lot of the work I should have been and should be doing myself) from a book he read:

Initiate Discussion About the Injury
Each time you bring up the violation, you let the hurt party know that it's on your mind, too--that she's not alone with it. When you demonstrate that you won't forget what you did and will continue to be mindful of its lessons, you help release her from her preoccupation with the injury. I often say, If you want your partner to move on, you must pay attention to her pain. If you don't, she will.